Waiting on my 20s
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This is awful...
10124071
Any reason why you say that? Or is this just a story you find...out of place?
10124133
Have you ever heard of spacing and paragraphs?
10124199
Yeeeeeaaaah, though I'll admit, the beginning chapters do need revision so I'm gonna do that. Anything besides that or...?
10124071
If you don’t, I’ll have to delete your comment.
10126754
It's just bad overall. Just look at the dislike ratio.
10127031
It needs work undoubtedly, I'm doing that now as a matter of fact, but at least it's not as bad as other things here that I'm sure you know of. And I don't really regard the like/dislike ratio, its kinda just, there, you know? Besides, I'm only focused on who likes it, even if it comes up a little short for being different. Did you read the whole thing so far? Cause Noah gets better, he's just an asshole in the beginning cause that's his character trait.
This is so fucking good! PLEASE CONTINUE THIS! :3
10155812
Don’t worry, chapter was just delayed due to the covid-19. Next chapter drops this week :)
10156772
Yay! Oh and don’t rush! Im sorry if I rushed you but it is so good! I hope that you are being safe and healthy. Hope you have a nice day/night! And thank you for this story!
10157992
It’s alright, no worries :)
Up Next: V - If You Want It Done Right
Up Next: VI - Miserable Asshat of the North
Okay. WHY do you have the main character be a walking stereotype? That doesn't scream anything good for the story.
And that's just in the description. It feels like he's inclusive for the sake of being inclusive. Which is never a good thing.
10179796
I guess I’m mainly trying to create a different type of character than what is normally seen on this site, a stereotypical white boy, in romance stories. Not only that, but I couldn’t seem to find a devoted and long love story including Sunset Shimmer. So if I’m gonna do it, I gonna do it my way. As for Noah altogether, I wasn’t exactly aiming for a hood nigga in the long run, only in the beginning, and with his friends. Noah is a good person with a somewhat pure heart, and even more in the end. I want him to be this absolute jerk to people he doesn’t know to establish himself within the school. So when the Rainbooms hear about him from Sunset, they already know he’s a jerk, but they don’t know anything else until the end of the Friendship Arc. What I’m basically saying is, Noah is not gonna be a basic boy from the streets, in time, I plan for him to become a gentleman, but not completely abandoning what he learned from his old home.
As for being inclusive, I can’t really lie, that’s what I want Noah to basically be. The entire Equestria Girls Universe is large, and I basically want to take Noah, and place him in a universe he doesn’t understand, but is incredibly important within it. I want him to become apart of their group with his own little spin on the whole thing. I don’t want him to be there and all of the stories just flood him within it without him really making a difference.
If you can tell me about other things I can improve on, or explain properly, I’ll gladly listen because I don’t want to be a bad author.
Notice: Chapter VI may drop this Wednesday.
Up Next: VII - Elements of Incompatibility
Next Up: VIII - A Long Time Coming
ALSO Next Up: IX - Nothing But Our Wit And Our Will...
So the story is about an African-American ghetto guy in it but the cover art has a Khanda symbol on it, I'm I missing something here?
10209511
I'm gonna be completely honest with you, I just took a random transparent symbol. Once I find the right one, it'll change. Thanks for pointing that out, I had no idea what the symbol meant or where I came from as I needed a symbol to give an idea about what Noah’s necklace looks like.
Next Up: X - To Save The World
Also Next Up: Epilogue - The Friendship Arc
Despite NOT knowing about common things in the REAL World. HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW ABOUT AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BULLSHIT!!!
HELL YEAH!!!!!!!! Despite being F****** PISSED, on the fact that the Dazzlings are the Ones that caused the Wars, Terrorism, and the Tragedies. I mean WTF Author, for doing that???!!!! That's REALLY SCREWED UP TIMES 999 TRILLION!!!!!!!!! At least, that there are DEAD, and be FRICKIN TORTURED, AND EVEN RAPED FOR ETERNALLY IN HELL!!!!!!!
God lee. 🤦🤦🤦🤦 Noah need to FRICKIN Teach everyone about the Common stuff, History, Media, and Gestures, in the REAL World.
10227368
1. 😂
2. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna change the American part. It was basically supposed to be foreshadowing for something, but now, I'm not exactly sure how that would work.
3. Definitely, I wanted a story that actually punished the Sirens, and I wanted it to be more deserving by making it that they're serious war criminals. And trust me, they're getting what they deserve.
4. Actually, Noah’s gonna use those to his advantage, especially with Sunset.
5. Thanks for reading!
10227581
1. 😉 😏
2. Thanks, it's just since they DON'T KNOW Anything in the REAL World. Like Past History, the Wars and Terrorist Attacks, don't know the 7 Regular Continents like North and South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and North and South Poles. They don't know Simple Gestures and Phrases from Regular Teens. So HOW can Principal Celestia and Luna know about America, and Noah being African American????
3. At first, I thought they be in Noah's "Harem" like in other High School/Equestria Girls Stories in this site???
But, being PURE EVIL, Causing ALL of the WARS, SLAUGHTER, GENOCIDE, TERRORISM, DISEASES, DISASTERS, AND MORE!!!!???? just for FRICKIN FEEDING, and Boredom!!!!!!!!!! Like MOTHER FRICKIN the Four Horsemen, or the Seven Deadly Sins!!!!!!????
That's TOTALLY SCREWED UP, and make them be on pair with Convention Bureau story type Misanthropy Tyrant Celestia, or Xenophobic/Racist Ponies, and Very EVIL Creepypasta or SCP "World Ending Type" HEARTLESS Monsters!!!!!!! 👺👺👹👹
Sure, there are FINALLY KILLED OFF, with DBZ/DB GT/DB Super Vegeta's Final Flash. But, I want them to SUFFER more. Like make it where, ALL of Humanity's Deceased/Victims, be their JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER!!!!! Including Noah's Dead Family. All of the TRILLIONS of People will do EVERYTHING on the Dazzlings. To TORTURE, BEATING, SHOOTING, BLOWING THEM UP, DROWNING, RAPING, KILLING THEM OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, AND OVER AGAIN. FOR ALL OF ETERNALLY!!!!!!!! They WANT Hate??!! They GET IT ALRIGHT, But their WILL REGRET IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!! 😈 😈 😈 😈 😈 👹 👹 👹 👹 👹
4. Probably be funny. But I STILL WANT them to know the REAL World stuff, including ALL of the Sad, Mess Up Stuff like the Wars, Terrorism, Genocide, Criminal Activities and more. SERIOUSLY, it's like this are CUT OFF from the World, they got the FRICKIN INTERNET!!!!!!! They SHOULD know everything like everyone in the REAL World. UNLESS the Canterlot City Mini Government is Hiding ALL of them from the REST of the World on PURPOSE????!!!!
* The X-Files Theme Song* 🔺🔺🔺🔺🔺🔺🔺🔺🔺
10227632
2. Yeah, I really didn’t think that through...
3. Oh without a doubt, I just kept thinking that there’s no way they’ve crossed the entire planet and didn’t cause something horrible. The rest came to me like that.
And don’t worry, they’ll get what they deserve. But sometimes, it’s best to leave on to themselves until they’re screaming at the top of their lungs for death. Which will definitely become a core part of the story.
4. As said before in chapter 6, Equestria definitely knows about the outside world, but it’s being kept a secret to protect them. Along with the things that Sunset and the others don’t know, Noah will indeed reveal what they are. And they already know that there’s an entire world out there to be seen, and Noah is their way to see it.
Up Next: Intermission III - The Abandoned Element
Also Up Next: Intermission IV - Check Please
Well it looks like the Rainbooms will have to go on hiatus thanks to Noah, though I'm now curious to see on how Sci-Twi will affect Noah with her magic compass thing. either way, Nice surprise chapter.
10324287
Anytime👍🏿
I'd like to see Noah's american friends interact with the Rainbooms more. I mean, I understand that Noah might the only one of them who's friends with the Main 7, but that doesn't mean that they don't interact with them. Like for example: Josuke Higashikata and Rohan Kishibe from Diamond is Unbreakable. Rohan is friends with one of Josuke's friends but hates Josuke himself, but they still interact with eachother, creating some of the funniest scenes (in my opinion) in the anime. I just find it weird that Noah interacts with the Rainbooms a lot, and then you remind us that Noah still hangs out with his OG friends.
On a related note, don't you think it's weird that Noah's friends just simultaneously decides to return to America. Like, ALL OF THEM JUST DECIDED TO THAT!?! They practically have no family (as far as I know) in America!! I mean, I understand if you want to focus more on Noah, but his friends have a lot of potential despite having a small screen (screen or page?) time. Just think about it, Noah is the Super Element, but what if the Super Element of Righteousness have elements in them, and the elements are Noah's friends and they discover it backwards from how the Main 6 first discovers the Elements.
Though you could have other americans go to Canterlot High and become friends with Noah. It'd be an intresting arc, with the country of Equus getting more and more fame, and it's no longer an isolated country. But that's your choice to write. I understand if you don't because you probably have planned out the rest of this story.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't introduce characters only to not use them. Especially if they have a deep history with the MC. It's a running problem in MLP, and I'm not a fan of it. Though this doesn't mean that your story sucks. it's just a thing that's been bugging me when you wrote this chapter. I'm looking forward to the rest of the Endearment Arc
10328308
Not a bad idea actually. Originally, I was gonna have it that they did just leave Equis, but the idea of them interacting with the Rainbooms has definitely piqued my interest. Of course, this means they'll be present for the rest of the story as a whole, so I'll have to see how that would go.
As for what they'd do in America, their plan was to go to Foster Care to get back on their feet and into the world while they still have the chance.
Thanks for the idea, it's not a bad one at all and I'm definitely gonna have it in my head for a while. I can already imagine Jain and CJ constantly going back and forth with Rainbow and Twilight.
😁👍🏿
10328385
I appreciate you reading my comment.
Though, you don't necessarily have to send all of them to America. Just about half of them.
I haven't read anything yet, but I plan to.
The like to dislike ratio is definitely off balance, but that won't be affecting me enjoying the story at all. In fact, it partially motivates me to read it even more. Before I read though, I want to establish a few things!
Everyone's story can use a little work. If your story needs a little work, that's completely fine. I don't expect perfection in any story, I simply expect the authors idea's to be perceivable from my point of view. If you can do that: your golden!
I'll be reading the entire story sometime soon, and giving critique as I go along. I desperately want to help others on this site write, and encourage them to keep on writing, despite what others might have to say. I might not be in the position to do this, as my own stories need work, but I hope that I can provide some insight from a readers perspective!
I'm looking forward to reading you story! See you soon.
Praise The Sun
- Solaire
10328411
Anytime, and jeez, you just keep throwing these ideas my way! Now I'm thinking I should get rid of one, get rid of them all, or keep them all.
😁👍🏿👍🏿
10328434
Well that's a thousand times better than a simple dislike as any criticism would be much appreciated. Can't wait to hear your thoughts!
😁👍🏿
Huh,neat
10328788
😁
*reads the foreword*
What. The. Fuck.
10331798
Wut?
Umm... is the chapter title supposed to be the same as the previous chapter, or is this the second half of that chapter?
10335270
It's basically just the next chapter. I used the same title to confirm that there was, indeed, another brand new problem.
Nice chapter. I also noticed a small grammatical error.
On the paragraph,
Don't you mean Pegasi?
10338800
Oh crap, thanks dude. Fixed it now👍🏿
10338813
No problem dude.
I certainly liked how you put your own twist on Sunset lashing out. Instead of her just lashing out at Sci-Twi, you also had her lash out at the main character, which not much fanfics do (though, I haven't read that much Friendship Games fanfics with OCs. Mostly because the OCs don't change the plot, so don't take my word on it).
Though there are some things I'd like to address.
Fist off,
When characters are speaking paragraph's worth of lines, like Sunset's rant, don't end each paragraph with a quotation mark. What I meant about that is during Sunset's rant,
People would think that the second paragraph is a response from Noah. But if you do this,
then people can tell that Sunset is saying the next paragraph. The only time you're allowed to do what you did is when you follow it up with something, like a reaction or a description on how the character says it. For example,
By adding a description or reaction, then you're allowed to do that.
Now there's this other problem I noticed when I first read this fanfic. The way the characters respond to each other and I don't mean how you write their reactions to things, I mean the way you "format" (I think that's what it's called) the way they respond to each other.
For example,
The way you wrote this makes the readers think that the same character is talking. The problem with this is that it'd annoy the readers because they have to reread the same paragraph again, it ruins the immersion.
What you should've done is this,
This makes your "formatting" better. I've noticed this problem when I first read this Fic, but forgot to address it because I got used to it. It may be one of the reasons why this fanfic gets so much dislikes. Which is a shame because this is a good story.
Anyway, I do hope that what I wrote down helped you with your writing, and that you'll use it in the upcoming chapters.
10346258
Dude, I honestly don't know what else to say except thank you. So, so very much.
I have a question though, for the paragraphs, you formatted it so that a quotation mark starts at the beginning of the second paragraph when a character continues. I'm asking if you meant to put that there or if it was by accident. If it wasn't, I'll be doing that in the future without a doubt.
Along with the back and forth between characters in single sentences, I usually do them as a means for humor. But I'll definitely remember to format it correctly when it's not a humor scene.
Once again, thank you so much. I hope you like what's coming, including finales three times longer than usual.
😁
10346798
You're welcome.
And to answer your question, yes I did put that on purpose. You see, a quotation mark is like the reader's cue that a character's speaking. When a character is talking through multiple paragraphs, you don't end the paragraph with a quotation mark so the readers would know that the character's not done talking (unless you put a non dialogue after the dialogues). But you start the next paragraph with a quotation mark so that the readers would still know that the same character's speaking.
Though this is mostly based on what I've seen from many other stories, including non fanfics, so I might be wrong about that.
10346916
A’ight, cool. Gotcha
So... we're at the climax of the Endearment Arc. I liked how-FUCKING RAINBOW DASH!!!- you made a small gag into an important plot-That Fucking Bitch!!-device. So CHS and/or CPA may have suffered some casualties, I wonder how that'll affect both school-LIKE WHAT YOU DID SKITTLES!?!?!?!. (*muffled*calm down Right Brain Calm dow-I AM FUCKING CALM!!) A-anyway I gotta go now before Righty implodes the- I mean homework yeah I have homework so-😈🔥⬅🏃
- uh... GOTTA GO! (*muffled*RIGHTY WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE MULTIVERSE GUN!!!!)
In all seriousness though, I liked what you did with this chapter. Now I AM looking forward to how this ends. The Endearment Arc I mean
10350890
Lol yeah, I was watching the beginning and I was wondering what Noah would do and how Rainbow Dash could essentially ruin everything because of her simple yet deadly mistake.
As for the casualties, I'm thinking the Friendship Games won't be coming around again for some time. Perhaps even never. And thank you. The next chapter is going to get remarkably violent, so I think you'll like it. After all, who wouldn't wanna see a black teenager get his head smashed against a horse statue by a magic-crazed demon-like nerd.