• Member Since 10th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Last Monday

RayneTheSkunk


The Young Six are a blessing to this very earth

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The most dangerous assignment of Captain Gallus' career: protect Luster Dawn, friendless magical prodigy, from Ponyville. Isn't there a nice war to fight instead?


Written for the The Discovery contest.

Edited by the lovely Lofty Withers, Just Lightning and Sock Puppet


If you liked this and would like to donate check here https://ko-fi.com/raynetheskunk .

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 20 )

... Yeah, you suck at coming up with names for Luster's friends. They're so painfully obviously based on Gallus and Yona it's not even funny.

I did love the story though.

Queen Twilight x Captain gallus

...Equestria’s not at war with anyone, Luster’s not a nobel or from a rich family...

I believe you meant to say noble, right?

...I want someone to look out for her, and I respect you enough to know you aren't going to be any creature’s assistant, and don’t think she needs an assistant, but she needs someone dependable who can watch over her.

I think replacing this portion with a ";" would suffice for the sentence. Well, that or adding a period.


Anywho, I'm liking the premise of the story. I can tell I'm going to enjoy this.

"This Kirin juice is way too good, I can’t pass this up.”

derpicdn.net/img/2019/1/6/1927785/large.jpeg

:pinkiehappy:

Good luck in the contest!

This was okay, for the most part. A few typos and some punctuation errors but nothing major that a reread couldn't fix. I got confused with the whole 'throwing knife' bit and why Luster Dawn went missing all of a sudden. I'm going to have to go back and reread hat part again; it just wan't clear to me. Best of luck with the contest.:scootangel:

...aiding in the defeat of Lendys...

Googled that. Apparently its the name of a fairly popular cafe in Virginia. I guess Gallus really didn't like the food there. :rainbowlaugh:

10066691
Indeed the best ship

“The Oxford comma is non-negotiable!” The words blurted out of Luster’s mouth as she shot up.

Ha! As an English major, I appreciate this joke. :rainbowlaugh:

“Well yeah. You didn’t really grow at all.” Gallus’s face took a harsh turn into the deepest of grimaces. “You’d think all that training would at least bulk you up,” Silver said, feeling Gallus’s side, “You aren't even an inch taller since graduation..."

On this subject, I've actually been off-and-on studying screenshots of Gallus's oh-so-brief scene in "The Last Problem," and I'm not so sure this is actually true, because he appears to me to be half-a-head taller than Luster the brief moment the two are standing side by side, and yes, that's mentally excluding the added height the guard helmet would add. And Luster is the same default height as the average adult pony, so Gallus is by no means short in this scene. I've wondered if he just looks it because of how brief the scene was, the camera angle, and all the armor obstructing a clear view of his body...

Eh, just throwing that out there for consideration.

--

As for the story itself, it's nice. It feels like it wraps up a bit too quickly at the end and shirks a proper fleshed out resolution for all characters, but knowing the word count cap for the contest is 12,000 words, I can see you literally didn't have any space left for it, so I can mostly let that slide. :twilightsmile: After all, telling the story you want to tell and still stay within a set word limit is hard--I speak from experience. :twilightoops::rainbowlaugh:

Oh wow. This story is actually really good. Execution’s a bit iffy with several punctuation errors and Luster’s motives not being foreshadowed/made clear enough, but the idea behind it is excellent.

What I initially thought was a snappy, fun, slice-of-life fic of seeing Luster make friends turned out to be a deeply personal one for Gallus. I really enjoyed how the action revolves around Luster - this was her story, not his; and the fact that the climax, while being a good lesson for Luster herself, turned out to have a subtext as also being a far greater learning experience for Gallus and his struggles with parenthood.

I really appreciated how this secondary revelation was kept subtle, and the ending just being this really sweet, heart to heart talk between (new!) friends was a nice touch. I also like how the explanation of what happened to Gallus over the timeskip was teased in the beginning, and slowly revealed to the readers through organic conversations bit by bit.

This fic attempts to tackle this very heavy subject matter - parenthood, abandonment, family - whilst at the same time trying to tell a coherent story around characters we already know, plus introducing a set of new characters (Luster and her friends). That’s a lot of things to juggle doing in 12k words, and you can tell a lot of the scenes were rushed. But, I think you managed to do it all sufficiently well, and sprinkled in enough jokes and fun moments throughout to make it a fun journey reading through, and it all culminated into something I think really stands out from a lot of other fics on the site.

I’m touched by the ending, and I’m only sad that there isn’t more of this story to read :yay: Good luck with the competition!

Nows the part where I reply to everyone.



10066882
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10067547
Thats pretty funny, and probably not something Gallus would be above doing if he hated the food enough. I just like using a few DnD things in fics when I get the chance. Its one of the forgottom realms dragon gods or something.

It feels like it wraps up a bit too quickly at the end and shirks a proper fleshed out resolution for all characters, but knowing the word count cap for the contest is 12,000 words

Lofty thought so too. I might have done it without the word limit. but I personally thought the implied resolutions left enough for the reader to come up with their own conclusions of what happens afterword. I personally just decided I just felt that was better


10067688

I really enjoyed how the action revolves around Luster - this was her story,

I'm glad this part really worked out for you, and apperantly others too. I was concerned the approach I took to this story might be a bit obtuse. Since its basically and A-plot and a B-plot story if all the A-plot scenes were deleted. It seems some were left still a bit confused but not too much.

and thank you to everyone

10068133
Well, I suppose the main issue is that Gallus is a really passive protagonist, and didn’t do a whole lot. Instead, the main story thread was pulled along by Luster, with Gallus most playing as just an observer, so that’s probably why the story felt somewhat clumsy and hard to follow: the audience is always playing catch-up and had no agency. Even in the climax, he basically just gave advice and wasn’t the one saving the day.

It breaks traditional narrative structure but that’s something I can appreciate. It’s refreshing! The spotlight is kept on Gallus’ internal struggles, and the story works because those struggles refer to very pertinent, personal issues we can relate to in the real world. Hence why I think this story stands out amongst the many other epilogue fanfics on the site.

Kudos again!

Dan

Great story. Needs continuation.

Oxford commas are sometimes useful to avoid ambiguity, but they're still ugly.

56

Isn’t there anyone else for the job.

Questions should end in question marks.

Man this was great, all the young six interactions were gold. You gotta continue this. Maybe see Gallus try to repair his relationship with Silverstream, see how ocellus and smolder’s child works out. Does Luster ever have to confront real evil with her new band of friends.

So gallus is going to protect luster dawn ok cool this is pretty interesting so far

I’m fine now, really. Don’t worry about it. I’m just not ready for families. I’ve already got my hands full with work, ya know

I actually know when he means Because I'm not ready for family either There sometime I don't know if I am ready

This was a pretty good story I do like how with interaction with dawn and gallus How much he cares about her Not because it's his job but he really truly cares protecting her And I do like how things up and going on with them after the episode of the last problem

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