Who Wears the Pants?

by Ninjadeadbeard

Grudge Match (Anarchyverse version)

Author's Note:

The following is a modified version of the original story. After a talk with a friend and reader, and some soul-searching on my part, I decided that some of the elements in this story did not reflect well on me as a person, or as a writer. Dialogue implying that dresses are a submissive garment, as well as the logical fallacy of Rainbow Dash disliking dresses, has been replaced with... well, Rainbow Dash having terrible taste in fashion.

The original story will remain up, but for anyone who reads this story as part of the Anarchyverse, this will be the version that matters.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, whose titles included (from her most to least favorite) the Princess of Friendship, Ponyville Librarian, Valedictorian Magna Cum Laude of CSGU’s 1104 Graduating Year, Princess of the CHS Fall Formal 1107 (depending on Chronal-Dimensional-Fluctuations), Princess of Equestria, and Second Best Princess from Equestrian Geographic ten years running, sat pensively on a high hill on the edge of the White Tail Woods. The sun was beginning to dip down towards the horizon, and the remnants of lunch were scattered about the little picnic she and her friends had thrown.

When she went to turn the next page of her book, Treasure Hunters, AK Yearling and Groom QQ Martingale’s latest book about the (entirely fictional, we assure you) continuing adventures of the married archeologist couple, Daring Do and Doctor Caballeron, Twilight didn’t seem to notice the page actually turning.

This was problematic. She knew her magic reserves would be low… but now she couldn’t even turn a page? On a BOOK!? This was too cruel. She desperately tried to swipe the pages with her magic again and again, and all she managed to do was strain her eyes looking at the page as the light levels dipped and jumped erratically around… her…

She glanced about, noting both that Rarity and Pinkie Pie were giving her odd looks, and that the sun seemed to have jumped several degrees across the sky from where it was before. It was now 11:30am, if the sun was anything to go by.

“Sorry,” she grinned, sheepishly, and set the sun back to 2pm. “Guess this spell’s taking a lot out of me…”

Something crashed, out in the depths of the woods, sending a ripple of force out into Twilight’s shield. The dome of violet light, arrayed in huge, hexagon-shaped plates of raw, magical power, completely enveloped the woods. As the force from that last hit struck the shield, it quivered slightly under the impact, but held firm.

“Honestly, this is ridiculous,” Rarity sighed, her sewing kit laying forlorn at her side. She also had a book held in her magic, some cheap romantic thing with a well-worn spine. “Can’t they see that?”

Pinkie Pie set out another set of fresh cookies, seemingly from nowhere, and nopony questioned at all why they were so hot and fresh when there wasn’t an oven around for miles. It was just Pinkie things.

There was another crash. This time, a line of trees shifted a few feet to the left.

“Ooh,” Twilight made a mental note to contact the Royal Geological Society and have them update the continental plate maps later, “I think Applejack did that. Five bits.”

“No bet!” Pinkie pulled out her binoculars, “I’ve seen that mare crack diamonds with a kick! Dashie ain’t got nothin’ on her.”

“Diamonds?” Rarity moaned, “What a dreadful waste over some silly tradition…!”

The fashionista paused, turned her head a little to the left, and squinted into the distance. “Is… is that Fluttershy?”

Indeed, it was Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus was flying in their direction, following the gentle curve of Twilight’s shield spell. While she made good progress, she flinched and glanced to her left worryingly whenever another explosion went off in the distance.

“H-hello, everypony!” she said, happily, but with a nervousness she hadn’t shown in years, “W… what’s going on? Is there some horrible, bad guy trapped over there?”

Pinkie shook her head, “Nope! Nothing like that’s going on today… at least as far as I know.”

“Oh, good,” Fluttershy wiped away a bead of sweat on her forehead, “The Sanctuary was hosting a souffle contest for Miss Cheerilee’s class and… well, the shockwaves were causing a lot of trouble. Um… what is going on? If you don’t mind…”

Rarity took out a small file and began doing a little maintanence on her hooves. “Oh, it’s just Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy frowned. “What are they doing?”

Twilight gazed, unimpressed, at a sudden rainbow-colored cloud that rose above a far-off hill. The sound of the collision reached them a second later.

“Fighting. Because that’s my life now…”

“Wh-what!?” Fluttershy gaped, eyes shrinking down to dots, “Why are they fighting!? They’re friends!!!”

“Well, yeah…” Pinkie Pie began, but stopped when she saw her usually calm, gentle pegasus friend pacing in agitation right along the edge of the magical barrier, eyes locked on the horizon.

“They’re more than friends!” Fluttershy began talking quickly, “I mean, we’ve all seen their relationship grow over the years. Dashie and Applejack may have started off as rivals, but they’ve been so much more since then!”

“Yes, darling, we know,” Rarity raised an eyebrow, wondering where Fluttershy’s sudden manic energy came from, “It’s…”

Another thunderous crash cut off what she was about to say. This one was accompanied by a rainbow-wave and the distant thrash of an electric guitar, if Twilight wasn’t mistaken.

“This is horrible!” Fluttershy cried, almost literally, “They only just announced their love publicly a few months ago! They… they were going to be in love! Start a family! Be together as each other’s special somepony!!!”

“Huh,” Twilight watched her friend break down in front of her, “So that’s what a Twilighting looks like from the outside…”

She turned to Pinkie. “I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me for so long like that.”

“Eh,” the party pony shrugged, “We cool.”

There was, at that very instant, a single, colossal, titanic crash. One to dwarf all others. The sort of thundercrack that announces the end of civilizations and the downfall of ages. The shockwave hit first, shattering Twilight’s forcefield like a sledgehammer on fine porcelain, and the wind that rushed past and around the four ponies was only blunted by a smaller, diamond-shaped one that popped up in its place.

“Rarity?” Twilight gasped, her stamina taking a sudden plunge with her spell’s destruction, “Did… did you do that…?”

She failed to say more, as Pinkie shoved a cookie straight into her mouth and proferred a glass of milk. “Get your strength back, Sparkle. Doctor Pie’s orders!”

Dust, kicked up by the explosion, rushed past the picnic ponies just then, redirected slightly around by Rarity’s timely shield spell. The rumbling, thunderous echo of the decisive clash rolled over them next, and would continue to roll over Ponyville and potentially all of Equestria.

“Well,” Rarity popped her sewing kit open with her magic, a smile finally forming on her face, “A lady must be prepared for any situation! I’m just sorry I didn’t practice shield spells more often before. After talking with my mirror-counterpart Rarity, I can see now how useful that sort of thing could have been in the past…”

“H-how can you all be so c-calm about this!?” Fluttershy wheeled back on her friends, “Our friends are potentially hurting each other! Ruining their relationship!" her big, blue eyes instantly filled with liquid and began pouring out of the distressed pegasus, "W-why are we just s-standing up here having a p-picnic!?”

Twilight sighed. She watched Fluttershy with a pitiable look. Then, she asked, “Fluttershy? How much do you know about Apple marriage practices?”

The question caught Fluttershy a little off-balance. She sniffed, and collected herself. “What? Um… I guess not much? Are they that different from everypony else’s? What does that have to do with…?”

“Everything, darling,” Rarity sounded every bit as tired as Twilight, but the way she held up her measuring tape, writing pad, and pencil in her magical aura, one would think she were dancing. “Everything.”

But just before Fluttershy could ask for clarification, she heard something. Coming up the hill, from the same side as the woods… used to be… an orange mare wearing the remnants of a Stetson could be seen trudging up the hill with a cyan pegasus slung over her back.

Applejack, gasping for air, and looking like she’d laid down under the Friendship Express running at full speed, reached the top of the hill and took in the sight of her friends with her least-swollen eye. Rainbow Dash, looking somehow worse… and somehow still alive… lay on her back in a completely torpid state.

With a single, clearly painful heave that took the last of her strength, Applejack dropped Dash to the grass at her hooves.

“It’s… decided,” she said through gulps of fresh air. She took a breath, and shot Rainbow Dash a triumphant look, adding, “Yer wearin’ a dress… an’ not some Wonderbolt flight suit ta tha’ weddin’, ya dang varmint!”

“Finally,” Twilight stood up and stretched, “That was stupid.”

“Mazeltov!” Pinkie shouted, throwing hoof-fulls of confetti about the pair. “But, yeah… kinda dumb. Who makes family traditions about who has to wear the dress or suit in a wedding?”

“Sign of dominance,” Applejack stared at one of the four Pinkie Pies she could see, then chuckled, and added, “Nah, I’m kiddin’. It’s just Apple Tradition! Ye’re farmponies, too. Ain’t the Pies got sumtin’ similar?”

Pinkie nodded vigorously, “Nope! Not since we heard from a traveling doctor pony that beating each other with rocks could cause brain damage.”

Twilight glanced down at Pinkie, and sighed.

“So… so stupid…”

Rarity said nothing. She was too busy taking Rainbow’s measurements while she lay insensate on the ground.

“Darling?” she finally asked the concussed pegasus, “Frills are alright? And flowers? Might I add… bows as well?”

Rainbow Dash coughed up a tooth.

“Oh, don’t be that way!” Rarity scolded, playfully, “If you’d just let me take your measurements before deciding on this silly competition, all to wear that horrid outfit…”

“Ah’m sure it’s fine, Sugarcube,” Applejack flopped to the ground without bending her knees. She didn’t trust her legs anymore. “I’m jes’ glad ya’ll already got my…”

She turned her head a bit, and then winced as she realized what a terrible idea that had been.

“When did Fluttershy get here?” she asked, before a look of fear passed over her, “Oh no… I ain’t hallu… hallic… I ain’t seein’ things, am I?”

Fluttershy, for her part, simply snorted out her nose, and laughed to herself. She turned around and began walking back towards her Sanctuary, happy that her friends were still together, and their bond, perhaps unbreakable.

“I suppose I should have expected nothing less from a wedding engagement…”

Comments

[justheretoreadstories]

Good for you for leaving the original up.