Dash of Love

Life_in_a_monologue

Life_in_a_monologue #1 · Jan 12th, 2020 · 1 · · Dash of Love ·

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pretty good :)

Samuel-Neocros

Samuel-Neocros #2 · Jan 12th, 2020 · · · Dash of Love ·

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10030079
Thank you

I had to do some rewrites, since I didn’t exactly like the style of writing used here. I probably will end up doing more rewrites, if I notice other things. I changed it to second person, since the first person thing only worked first time, but I found it to be weird after a while.

WolfLover

WolfLover #3 · Jan 14th, 2020 · 1 · · Dash of Love ·

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This is a good story. I was about to give a lesson in biology and how if dash is anthro and he is a human there is no risk of impregnation but I saw the note at the end. Personally I think this should have been in 1st or 3rd person as second person for this kind of story makes it a bit harder to read as I correct the words so that they make more sense.

Samuel-Neocros

Samuel-Neocros #4 · Jan 14th, 2020 · · · Dash of Love ·

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10033214
It was initially first person, but when I saw my first Dislike, I freaked out and changed it to 2nd. I am planning to release another chapter which has the first person still intact, but I’m thinking of changing this back to 1st person.

Samuel-Neocros

Samuel-Neocros #5 · Jan 14th, 2020 · · · Dash of Love : 2nd Person Edition ·

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I decided to make it First Person again, and released a second person chapter. Hope you enjoy the complete version!

Frasse

Frasse #6 · Feb 8th, 2020 · · · Dash of Love ·

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sorry i frogot about this store i just added it to my read later list and completely forgot a abuot it its was ok i guess this story wasnt for me i felt really emberessed i olny rememberd it because of this story it got me thinking of you so i think you going to enjoy it if you havnt read it allrady https://www.fimfiction.net/story/458392/cuddling-a-pony

The Red Parade

The Red Parade #7 · Mar 8th, 2020 · 1 · · Dash of Love ·

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Not a bad story!

Before I start going into my review I want to throw out a disclaimer that I don't usually do clop fics so I'm a bit out of my depth here. Since plot and characterization aren't that big of a deal I'll be brief on them. Instead I'll focus on the reactions of each character and the grammar as well.

So, grammar: I think it's pretty solid but there are a few typos here and there. One thing is that when you have a dash in between words like 'I' or names like 'Rainbow,' the second word should still have the proper capitalization, so it'd be "I... I..." instead of "I... i...".

There's a few sentences that seem strangely worded to me, but I'll leave that up to you. There are however a few that seem grammatically incorrect to me. I can't find it now but I recall an instance where you said 'her and me.' I think the correct phrasing should be 'she and I.' (If you already know this skip this part) A rule I remember about that if you ever get confused is to get rid of the second subject and only look at the first person pronoun (so for now ignore the 'she' and 'and') and read the sentence. So you wouldn't say 'me entered the room,' you'd say 'I entered the room.' Therefor, it wouldn't be 'she and me entered the room,' it'd be 'she and I entered the room.'

Character wise... I don't know. Something feels off to me. Maybe I'm just not used to the characterization of Rainbow Dash in this manner, maybe I don't have enough details about the speaker. And yes, this is clop so these things shouldn't matter, but something about the speaker is weird to me. In the beginning you seem to establish the speaker as being unconfident and unsure of their ability based on how they describe their art skills, yet they take the lead in the bedroom. Maybe this is just a common thing in clop fics, I don't know because again I don't read them.

Finally, I think there's a few details that don't seem necessary. For example the condom bits. I don't think the reader needs to know where exactly the speaker got the condom from as we can probably deduce he had it in his pocket or wallet and took it out before stripping. And again later, when the speaker clarifies that Rainbow won't get pregnant because of the condom. This just kind of breaks the scene here, because who is he trying to reassure? Himself? That doesn't seem necessary because he's been pretty confident this entire time. The audience? I'm not really sure why he'd need to address the audience here.

(I read the ending bit again and realize now you clarify their personalities so you can probably disregard some of the stuff I said earlier.)

So in conclusion, it's a pretty solid fic. Again I find it hard to find things to talk about because these fics don't typically have a plot, character development, or other aspects but I did what I could. I think it's pretty cute, especially at the end, so well done!

Hope this helps you,

Red.

Ambientsonar7