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On their way back from the Treehouse of Harmony late one night, Smolder and Ocellus lose track of their way. With the dangers of the midnight hour in the Everfree becoming evident by the minute, the two begin discover more about each other than they ever had before.
(Entry for The Discovery Writing Contest.)
Teen rating for mild violence and suggestive themes.
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To find is to lose... to lose is to find. Reminds me of Kingdom Hearts.
10024624
On a bit of a Kingdom Hearts binge. Couldn't help but reference it here.
10024727
I know the feeling.
I'd pay a ton of money to see the mature version.
10028567
So would I. If I had money. Which I do not. I'd pay preposterous amounts of imaginary Internet money though.
10028802
When the Discovery contest is over, I'll go back and make a bonus chapter with the more mature stuff thrown back in.
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Yay!
Hey there! Thank you so much for entering The Discovery contest and for requesting a review! I’m Bachi, and I was the judge assigned to your story.
First off, I want to start by saying that I thought you definitely show off a good eye for detail. It’s clear that you went through a lot of effort to imagine exactly how the characters would look and move and sound in this scene, which can lend a great sense of vicerality to the action. I definitely appreciated that you included a lot of these small-scale descriptions and thoughts, which add a lot of flavor to the mood of the story.
I will have to admit, though, sometimes it was difficult as a reader to directly translate what you probably had in your head to what I was getting from the text. For instance, I’d like to point out that most of the story’s sentences are similar in length—medium-ish, but a bit on the short side. Now, there’s nothing wrong with these kinds of sentences, but when you put a bunch of them together, sometimes it can be a little taxing on your reader’s attention. Some people might describe it as feeling like they’re reading a big list of things that are happening, and other people might associate short sentences with high energy and feel overwhelmed.
So I think I'd suggest trying to mix in both longer and shorter sentences into your prose. It’s a little tricky trying to describe exactly how the impact of high-energy short sentences and relaxing longer sentences can have on your reader, but it’s definitely something you intuitively pick up on the more you’re aware of it.
On a different note, I also wished we had a little more time and breathing room to really have the chance to see the chemistry between Smolder and Ocellus get developed before their big confession. There’s just a bit of that in the very beginning, but before it really goes somewhere, things transition pretty quickly to action and danger and excitement.
So basically, what I’d think would take this story up to that next level would be to spruce up the prose just a little, while focusing on what makes the romance between Smolder and Ocellus fun and compelling. Like I mentioned before, I do think you have a great sense of adding in important little details, so building off of that, we want to do our best to keep the readers engaged and attentive.
Thank you again for submitting to the contest! Please feel free to reply or PM me if you have any questions. I really hope you found this review helpful!
-B.
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This is great. You've given me a lot of think about and improve on. Thanks.