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I was happy with my life, I had everything I could ever need, a house, money, family. I just had to be the one to get teleported into the body of a little girl on a planet controlled by ponies who think of humans as mindless slaves, just my luck. At least I have magic.

This is my first and probably only story ever, even so constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 79 )

I haven't read this yet but I am a big Tanya fun

Good starts and was quite enjoyable.

Incoming Nazi-loli Displaced.

10020452
Then, i'm not too sure, if your going to like the story. It was kind of inspired by The Saga of Tanya the evil, but i'm still not too sure on how i'm going to advance the story without a war.

10020466
Thank you, it's nice to see at least somebody read and enjoyed the start.

10020475
I meant the premise of it, she tries to get to the top lol I read it just for the fact of the pic

I'm just wondering but is this really Tanya? Because you've described the character as black haired and red eyed so...

Engaging thus far, definatly worth watching. I'm intrested to see where you'll take this concept and will be happy to offer some feedback after a few more chapters.

10020660
I actually went for the oposite colour scheme. I still plan on her eyes lighting up, when she does magic, I'm just not sure about yellow.
And who said her name is Tanya?

10020798
Your cover art that's who





Also so far so good, like it so far but won't hit the like button until i see were it's going.

10020475
i mean you alredy have the ground work of humans being animals but some not so you could go that way or just a survival kind of story. either way you made a solid start and ill cheer you on

10021099
Well, who knows what I will think up while writing. I mostly just let myself go and when I feel like it's enough for a chapter I go through it to see what I made. Then I just fix the mistakes, and hope people will like it.


10021006
Look, I suck at painting, on the computer or otherwise, so I just googled something, that I thought would fit my story. It isn't perfectly accurate, and I'm sorry if you thought it was going to be a displaced fanfic or something. It is still a fact, I was thinking of Tanya when making the character, but I don't want my character to be a perfect copy of her.

On that note, if somebody finds a better picture for me to use, I would appreciate it, if you would tell me. Thank you.

Seems good so far, I'm just wondering but will she find a village of humans and show them how to use magic thus creating there own kingdom? Because at the moment I thjnk that the only way the ponies will treat them as equals is if the humans beat it into them!

Also is human sentience equal to the amount of magic they have (no magic no sentience, a lot of magic you are very intellegent)? Because if that's the case then that right there is a natural cast system.

I hope there is a reason for the ponies behavior

10021221

If I had to guess it would be because some humans can see magic and they want to know how they do it.

10021232
But from the wording they regularly go after humans

10021221
I'm planing to explain everything in the later chapters, as the protagonist uncovers the reasons.

10021206
That's actually an interesting idea, but i don't think she will find any human villages any time soon. Also abot the whole more magic, more sentience you'll see. And please stop guessing, you ruin epic reveals that way. Except if you want me to tell you everything in the comments. :P

Although, some of the guesses are great ideas for the future, so I personally don't have anything against them. I just probably won't reply to them from now on.

10021235
Maybe humans are one of a few limited number (if not the only) species that can see magic but (as far as they know) not be able to use it, it probably also helps that physically we wouldn't even be a challenge to the average pony if we ever managed to escape.


10021261

Ok, sorry I'll stop now

10021271
You don't have to stop guessing if you don't want to, I'm just not sure if I should reply or not with the answer, since the parts of the story I haven't written yet, keep changing in my head, the continuation of the story might get influenced based on what you guess.

10021282
But if you change it midway through then that could destroy some foreshadowing you've been setting up for a while... anyway this fic is giving me planet of the apes vibes... anyone else?

10021301
I don't think you have to worry about that too much, but thank you for the warning. My mind wanders off sometimes, so I have to fix whole paragraphs, because I put in stuff, that will happen in the future, or I forget a detail, that changes the whole scene.
When I was writing the last chapter, I accidentally skipped half of the walk back and at the part, where my character starts thinking, I wrote stuff, that would happen years later. So I think I can say I have at least some experience with fixating my thinking on the correct thing.

Also, should I make the chapters longer? I have read a lot of fanfics and with most of the ones, that go over 50k words, the chapters are usually around 2-5k words. Am I supposed to write longer chapters, if I am aiming for a longer story?

10021316

Write whatever feels comfortable, if most chapters are 1k ish then I don't mind, if there's the occasional 5k+ then perfect, but ultimately it doesn't really matter how long a chapter is just so long as it feels natural (not rushed) personally I prefer short but frequent chapters, but I do occationally watch fics that have an average of 10k words a chapter.

I'm not an author in any way though

10021336
OK, if you say so. I think I'm pretty comfortable with just 1k every few days or so. Thank you for telling me.

10021129
I get ya i Really suck at drawing so i understand sorry for sounding like an ass:ajsleepy:

10022244
It's fine, you didn't know. It's not like it's your fault, I'm bad at drawing. I just wanted to explain why I chose this picture instead of making one myself, since I felt like I was tricking you into reading with the current picture.

He/she finna rip off the serpents mustache and dash the rest of the way.:facehoof:

How is she gonna survive this then? What a predicament

And now a couple question about the close of this fic itself...
Can humans with a sufficient amount of magic get a cutie mark? (I'm thinking shoulder blades/lower back if the answer is a yes)
Will the MC be talented in enchanting objects? Because if so then with enough time and resources can she build an invisible flying house with inbuilt farms and water collectors?

EDIT

My argument for the MC being talented and enchanting is that humans are great at building things that do things for us and from what I know of magic, this is the closest we've got. Also, being able to see the magic making up the enchantment will help alot

10022968
You, my friend, are a genius. Personally I find the idea of cutie marks against the human nature, since we can be really good at more than one thing and being forced at being the best at only one thing seems like a limiter. But on the other hand it would go with the lore of the world... Now you put me in quite the conundrum.

For the enchanting. hmm, HMM...

10023077

The cutie mark could appear without her being aware of it (as she thinks the light show just apart of the enchanting process) if it appears on some part of the body you can't see, ie the shoulder blades.

And enchanting could have the limitation of needing a crystal (the kind dragons eat) and programming the magic inside (you can also inject some more in if need be). This will also mean her ability to see magic is a giant advantage because she could just write what she sees!

10023129
I guess if you wouldn't know it exists, you wouldn't think you were good at only that one thing, thus not limiting yourself. also, she doesn't know what cutie marks are right now so she would probably think of it as a magical tattoo if she happened to find it.

Quite an interesting idea with the whole enchantment thing, but I personally think, it would be too powerful, even with the restriction of needing a gem, although I'm not sure if that even is a restriction, since gemstones are abundant in Equestria.

If I do add enchanting, she will probably have to learn a whole new language and use the magic proportional to the enchantment without the need to use gems (but gems would make it easier).

I just wrote that without thinking but am too lazy to comb through it and remove anything that may or may not spoil the story. So have a spoiler warning, just in case.

I lost interest because I don't think this will play out to differently from your human and you im sorry I'm I am calling it early but it just feels like It's taking that path to me

10023138

yeah, magic isn't gonna be written in English and it isn't gonna be symbolism, it could be the language of order itself (and thus needs to be perfect or else it won't work) and having it be a taxing and time consuming process even with some specialist tools would nerf it enough? (I'm talking 2-3hr non stop on a simple levitation charm for a floating carriage with a fixed height up to a certain weight)

10023158
Ok then goodbye, maybe come back when a couple more chapters are written just in case it's more to your liking?

Those first few chapters show a lot of promise, but you are starting to rush things, Aljazig. Not just in time between entries though. It feels like you have some specific events you want write and are charging towards them without laying the groundwork to support story.

Writing is often like sculpting clay; strech the plot too thin and it'll fall over. It can take some molding but there's plenty of time to get it right.

My advice is to take a step back after you first finish a chapter. Give it a night to rest in the back of your mind and read what you crafted in the light of day as though you were reading someone else's work. Often simply staggering the re-examination can highlight missing plot beats or parts that don't flow quite as well as the surrounding paragraphs.

There is a lot of potential here, I like what you're doing so far and you clearly have a destination in mind. Just slow down and take a bit more time to enjoy the journey into which your Heroine has been thrust :)

10023158
Well, since I haven't read Your human and you, I don't know how it plays out, but if I just look at the description, it does look quite similar. I guess I will read through it, just so I don't accidentally make it too similar.

10023602
I have a hard time understanding, how my story is rushed. I understand I haven't touched on a few important topics, but that should be resolved in a few chapters, hopefully.
Also, I try to make my chapters at least a day before, just so I can check them with a clear mind before posting them.

Should I write a dream sequence in the present tense or do it the same as I have done everything up to now, so in the past tense?

I'm going to guess that she subconsciously used strengthening magic through fear?
I wonder what else she can do subconsciously?

I guess we'll find out what his/her name is. Later.

Turns out I didn't have to worry about the language barrier, since everything was written in English, albeit old English, but still. I also didn't have to worry about the books falling apart.

Old English is nothing like modern English. It is a completely different language to what me speak now.

10030407
Seems like I didn't do my reserch properly. What I meant was the style of English, Luna uses, directly after her return.

I'm just wondering but will she need to make an operation orb to use magic? And if so where will she wear one or will she have multiple to distribute the spells?

Such as one on the back of each hand attached to a glove for a variaty of spells (levitation/blast) and one on each shoulder blade (wings for flight)

Interesting... so her name is now considered some type of "eldritch" word that should not be spoken. This may be useful for escapes and/or getting the upper hand in combat, but will most likely attract unwanted attention. Then again, she would already be attracting unwanted attention by using magic and having intelligence far beyond what a human even should be capable of.

Ha! Is see what you did with the name! Good thing it's sound similar.

10034125
Yep. Not many stories actually give a proper explanation as to why the main character changed his/her name. The common trope is, that they forgot their original, or it's like, new world new name, but I wanted to give another reason for the name change. Plus it gives me something to play with in the future. (Please don't sue me if somebody thought of it before me, I didn't actually check every fanfic on the site.)

10034153
Ah, do you mean the fairy part? I wondered if anyone got the reference.:pinkiehappy:

I'm just wondering but with the whole dieing and being brought back to life will the character grow and mature into an adult, be shorter than average or stay the same throughout her life?

Also, due to her being human she could slip past guards and assassinate some people before they even suspect a lowly magicless creature to be able to do so.

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