• Published 23rd Dec 2011
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Mortal Kombat: Equestria - Green Akers



Twilight and friends enter the latest MK tournament to save the Cutie Mark Crusaders from Shao Kahn.

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Dulling The Blade

Raiden glared unhappily at the phone before him, which was lit up like a Christmas tree from the various callers trying to reach him. Muttering something under his breath, he punched a button at random and picked up the receiver. "Hello? ...Oh, hey, Apollo," he began. "No, Fran's not in right now - I gave her the rest of the day off. She couldn't stop crying after Johnny Cage got beat this morning. ...Right, right...no, I'm fine, really. It's not a big deal - Johnny wins the tournament, what, once every three or four years? ...Yeah, I know, he's good, but he's awfully high maintenance, you know what I mean? Anyway, what were you calling about again? ...Your band's playing at the amphitheater tonight? Gosh, A-dog, I don't know if I can make it - Sonya and Liu Kang are fighting today, and losing Fran has put me way behind...Uh huh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. Talk to you later. Bye."

Raiden hung up the phone, grimacing as it immediately started ringing again. While he fed Apollo a line about being okay, the pained expression he now wore told a different story. Punching a few more buttons to forward all his calls to voicemail, he sighed and closed his eyes, trying to use meditation to regain his focus.

Suddenly, a Rebecca Black song started playing from inside Raiden's pocket. Confused, the elder god reached down and pulled out his cell phone. "Good grief, what now?" he wondered, hitting the answer button and putting the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"TROLLLLLLLLLL LO LO LO LO LO LOOOOOOOOO..." Princess Celestia could be heard singing on the other end of the line.

"Argh!" Raiden flung his phone against the wall in a fit of rage. "I have had it with that royal rabblerouser!" he seethed. Deciding that dealing with the other gods wouldn't be so bad after all, he started pounding on the buttons of his office phone.

"YOU HAVE FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE NEW MESSAGES," the phone informed Raiden.

Raiden slammed his head down on his desk. "This is not going to be a good day, is it?" he muttered.


"All right!" Spike declared, as he and his pony friends made their way back to their hut. "That's eight wins in a row!"

"Wow-wee!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited! I've never been this excited - well, except for the time when..." Pinkie Pie stopped and thought for a moment. "Nope!" she decided. "This is officially even more exciting than the time Twilight came to town!"

"I'm just thankful Rainbow is finally getting rid of that awful rainstorm," Rarity remarked, glancing up to where Rainbow Dash was kicking holes in the cloud clover. "Still, I do believe we've earned some modicum of respect from these ruffians."

"You got that right!" Applejack agreed. "These varmints'll think twice before messin' with us again!"

"We can't get too excited just yet," Twilight warned her companions. "There's still a lot of tournament left to be fought out, and we need to make sure we stay on top of our game."

"So who fights next, anyway?" Applejack inquired.

"Let's check the list!" Twilight declared. "Spike?"

"Let's see..." Spike pulled out a roll of parchment and began scanning the list. "It says here that Pinkie's scheduled to fight in a few hours."

"Wait...what?" Pinkie appeared shocked by the news. "Oh no! This is terrible! I haven't had time to pick out my game face yet!" With that, Pinkie Pie dashed ahead towards the ponies' hut, disappearing over the next hill in a streak of pink.

"I wish she'd take this whole thing more seriously," Twilight muttered.

"Aw, don't worry about her, sugarcube," Applejack advised her friend. "She's always a little out there, but she always gets results."

"I know I would certainly be unnerved by the thought of fighting her," Rarity offered. "I was ready to stick my head in an oven after somepony left me stranded in the desert with that girl." She threw an annoyed glare up at Rainbow Dash, but the pegasus was too high up to hear her.

Twilight took a deep breath. "You're probably right," she admitted, "but still..."


Back at the hut of Raiden's champions, Sonya stood in front of a mirror in a boxer's stance, throwing quick jabs at her reflection while a translucent vision of Raiden stood nearby. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Raiden questioned.

"Are you kidding?" Sonya replied. "I've been waiting to take a crack at one of these ponies since the start of the tournament! I am beyond ready!"

"That's what Johnny said too," Raiden reminded Sonya. "Now he's trapped in his own personal nightmare starring three amateur hairstylist fillies with three pairs of scissors and zero hands between them."

"Meh," Sonya responded with a shrug. "Johnny's just a loudmouth lightweight - all talk and no action. Any real fighter with half a brain - let along a highly-trained member of Earthrealm's Special Forces such as myself - would roast these dumb ponies like a marshmallow."

"You are underestimating your opponent," Raiden warned. "This 'Pinkie Pie' is a formidable warrior, with an unpredictable battle style. She's like organized chaos, only without the organization."

"Formidable? Don't make me laugh," Sonya scoffed. "She beat Smoke by talking him to death, for crying out loud."

"Which she is more than capable of doing to you," Raiden pressed. "Are you absolutely certain that..."

"Relax, Raiden," Sonya implored, fishing a pair of earplugs out of her pocket and presenting them to the elder god. "I got this covered. The real question is...is that little horse ready for this?" She spun back around and executed a textbook roundhouse kick...smashing the mirror she had been using into a thousand pieces. "Oops..." she winced, giving Raiden a sheepish grin.

Raiden could only facepalm at the sight. "Thanks, Sonya," he grumbled sarcastically. "We could really use seven years of bad luck right now."


Peering out from his position behind a huge boulder, Shang Tsung looked out upon the row of outhouses that stood before him. Sighing at the sight of his nephew Shing approaching, Shang slid back out of sight before he was spotted.

"Well?" Sub-Zero demanded from his position behind the rock. "Was that the pony we heard, or not?"

"No," Shang Tsung admitted. "Apparently my nephew is not only as dumb as a horse, but also sounds like one when he walks."

"Confound it, Shang!" Sub-Zero exclaimed. "We've been standing back here for over an hour, and the only ponies we've seen have been in the sky! Are you sure that party pony will be coming?"

"Patience, Sub-Zero," Shang Tsung insisted. "I made sure to tell the cafeteria janitors to close their bathrooms until after the battle, and we've got hundreds of ninjas on patrol right now enforcing our ordinance against public urination. These are the only available bathrooms on the island, and I saw her drink seven glasses of punch this morning. She'll be here, all right."

"Bah," Sub-Zero muttered, tapping his foot impatiently. "I can't believe I rescheduled my Scrabble match with Baraka just to hang out by the bathrooms with some dopey sorcerer whose plan is probably rubbish to begin with!"

"Yo Pink, how you rollin' today?" a voice called out from the vicinity of the outhouses.

"I'm feeling grrrrrreat today, thanks!" a cheery pony-like voice answered.

Shang Tsung peered out from behind the boulder again, smiling as he saw Pinkie Pie exchanging a hoof-bump with another fighter on her way to the bathrooms. "Rubbish, huh?" he shot back. "Looks like that 'zero' in your name stands for your IQ, 'cause here she comes!"

"Lucky stiff," Sub-Zero grumbled. "So now what do we do?"

"Just follow my lead," Shang instructed, watching as Pinkie Pie stepped into one of the free stalls. "Come on!"

Sub-Zero followed Shang Tsung with a suspicious look on his face, as the sorcerer casually strolled over to the outhouse occupied by the pink pony. "So Zero," Shang remarked as they approached, "did you hear Sonya is fighting one of those ponies today?"

"I'm aware of that, yes," Sub-Zero replied curtly.

"Just between you and me," Shang continued, stopping just outside Pinkie's stall, "I hope that pony cleans Sonya's clock today. That girl is just a rotten apple, you know?"

"Of...course," Sub-Zero confirmed, still a bit unsure of Shang Tsung's motives. "It's just a crime how she treats poor Kano tourney after tourney..."

"It's more than that," Shang went on. "She's...well...she's just not a nice person! She blows off autograph seekers, she badmouths her friends behind their backs, and she never leaves a tip when she goes out to eat."

"Really...I did not know that," Sub Zero commented, knowing full well the sorcerer was lying through his teeth.

"Oh, but it gets worse," Shang Tsung proclaimed, lowering his voice to a whisper while making sure he was loud enough for Pinkie to overhear. "Remember the little kid who was here the last time we held the tourney on the island? The one from the Make-A-Wish foundation?"

"Er...yes?" Sub-Zero was really confused now.

"Remember that big show Liu Kang and those guys put on about going to the kid's birthday party later?" Shang shook his head. "Yeah...Sonya blew it off."

"Unbelievable!" Sub-Zero declared, using his best 'shocked' voice.

"I know!" Shang repeated, his voice squealing a little. "And to think...she even pinkie promised she'd be there too."

"WHAT?!?" Right on cue, Pinkie Pie practically exploded from the bathroom, blasting the door off its hinges and crashing into Shang Tsung. "That's terrible!" Pinkie shouted. "Nopony breaks a pinkie promise - no pony!"

"What...can I say?" Shang finally offered, a bit stunned from the blow (and from hearing Pinkie at full volume mere inches from his face). "Sonya does. It's not the first time, either."

Pinkie's entire body went from pink to red. "How dare she!" she seethed. "The power of the pinkie promise must be used responsibly! You can't just pass them out like party favors!"

"Don't tell me," Shang Tsung replied. "Tell her."

"I think I will!" Pinkie Pie decided, and the pony rushed off in the direction of the fighter huts, leaving behind an amused Shang Tsung and an unimpressed Sub-Zero.

"Congratulations - you made the pony mad," Sub-Zero remarked. "And this accomplishes what, exactly?"

"Oh, I've made her a great deal more than mad," Shang explained. "You see, my cold-hearted friend, there are sacred values...and then there are sacred values."

"Right...because that makes things so much clearer," Sub-Zero muttered.

"Just wait and see," Shang offered. "Now, if you will excuse me, I must answer the call of nature myself."

Shang Tsung identified the nearest empty stall with a working door and stepped inside, leaving Sub-Zero alone outside the outhouses. Muttering to himself, Sub-Zero turned to leave, but stopped upon seeing Sektor walking by the area. "Hey!" Sub-Zero called out, rushing over to the cyborg's position.

"GOOD MORNING, SUB-ZERO," Sektor greeted the ninja. "AWFULLY STRANGE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING TODAY, ISN'T IT?"

"Yeah, sure, strange," Sub-Zero answered. "Hey, remember that time when Noob Saibot drained out all your oil while you were sleeping?"

"DO I!" Sektor confirmed. "THAT LITTLE STUNT COST ME A FORTUNE IN CHIROPRACTIC BILLS."

"Well, here's your chance to get him back," Sub-Zero continued, pointing at the outhouse Shang Tsung had occupied. "I just saw him go into that stall - you should go tip it over while he's in there."

"YOU HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR, SUB-ZERO," Sektor announced, slapping the ninja on the back. "I HEARTILY APPROVE!"

Now, it was Sub-Zero's turn to smile, as Sektor walked up to the outhouse to perform the dirty deed. "Perhaps this will teach the sorcerer not to question my IQ," he chortled, "and teach that mechanical moron not to play his MC Hammer records all night."


"There you are," Liu Kang declared, spotting Sonya as he entered the cafeteria. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be preparing for your battle?"

"I am!" Sonya insisted, gesturing to the large plate of spaghetti in front of her. "I'm carb-loading!"

Liu Kang looked quizzically at Sonya's meal. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked. "I thought carb-loading was for endurance sports."

"Exactly!" Sonya agreed. "Let that pony blabber on until her jaw falls off - I'm gonna outlast that motormouth no matter what!"

"YOU!" The sound of a loud, irritated voice drew everyone's attention to the cafeteria entrance, where an angry Pinkie Pie stood foaming at the mouth with rage. "BREAKER OF PINKIE PROMISES!" she snarled, pointing a hoof towards Sonya.

"Breaker of what now?" Sonya shot Pinkie Pie an unamused glare. "What are you talking about?"

Pinkie Pie's eyes turned bright red. "Your soul is stained by the tears of the innocent," she proclaimed, charging at Sonya. "Feel their pain!"

"What the..." Sonya managed to say before Pinkie Pie leaped across her table and tackled the fighter to the floor. "Hey! Stop it! Get off me! We aren't supposed to fight for another forty-five minutes!" Sonya objected, as she traded blows with the enraged pony.

"No! The bill for your thoughtlessness comes due NOW!" Pinkie Pie thundered in response.

The rest of the room sat in stunned silence for a moment as the two combatants fought. Finally, two warriors stood up at a table on the far side of the room. "Brawl?" one fighter asked the other.

The second fighter nodded. "Brawl," he agreed.

With that, the cafeteria once again devolved into chaos, as everyone rose from their table, grabbed the nearest warrior, and started wailing on each other. For his part, Liu Kang suddenly found himself hoisted in the air and tossed through one of the side windows of the cafeteria, landing in a heap outside.

"Ow..." Liu Kang moaned, rising from the ground and brushing the broken glass from his hair.

"Liu Kang!" Liu Kang looked up to see Twilight and her friends running over to him. "Have you seen Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked. "Her fight begins soon, and we can't find her anywhere!"

Rainbow Dash looked at the Liu-Kang-sized hole in the window the fighter had just crashed through. "You know, it's probably easier to use the door when you leave a room," she advised. "Take it from somepony who knows - windows don't save you much time."

"It was not my idea," Liu Kang pointed out. "I was 'escorted' out via the window during the fight that erupted when your friend came in and attacked Sonya!"

"Attacked?" Twilight couldn't help but smile. "Come on, Liu Kang - Pinkie's the kindest, mellowest, happy-go-lucky pony you'll ever meet! She would never attack somepony, not unless..."

"Fus ro DAH!" The sound of Pinkie Pie unleashing a dragonshout cut Twilight off and shattered every window in the cafeteria (the ones that weren't already broken, that is).

"...somepony broke a pinkie promise, didn't they?" Twilight muttered.

"Well, we can't just leave her in there!" Applejack declared. "We've got to get her to the battle site before the fight starts!"

"Whoa!" Rainbow Dash dived out of the way of a frying pan that came flying out one of the windows. "Yeah...I think her fight's already started," she pointed out.

"Whatever shall we..." Rarity stopped in mid-sentence and sniffed the air. "Good heavens!" she exclaimed, her face turning green. "What is that smell?"

"I do not..." Liu Kang stopped short as the stench hit his nostrils. "By Raiden's non-existent beard!" he sputtered. "That smells like...like..."

"...like a fresh pile of cow manure, yes, I know." The group turned to see a soaking-wet Shang Tsung standing behind them.

"My word!" Rarity remarked. "What, pray tell, happened to you?"

"And why do you smell like a barrel full of skunks?" Spike inquired.

"I don't want to talk about it," Shang muttered.

"Okay then - what happened to the rest of Sektor?" Liu Kang asked, pointing at the robot head under Shang Tsung's arm.

"If he's lucky, his body did not escape Earth's orbit," Shang grumbled. "If not, it should be enjoying a close-up view of Jupiter right about now."

"I DID NOT REALIZE YOU WERE IN THERE, I SWEAR!" Sektor's head pleaded. "SUB-ZERO SAID IT WAS NOOB SAIBOT!"

"I will deal with Mr. Freeze later," Shang snapped. "Right now, I must break up this brawl to ensure that our next fight starts on time."

"How do you figure on doin' that?" Applejack questioned.

"Like this," Shang answered, walking into the cafeteria.

Within seconds, all sounds of combat coming from inside the dining hall stopped, replaced by a chorus of coughs, hacks, and curses. Soon, fighters came pouring out of every door and window, holding their noses and gasping for air as they escaped. "Well...that's one way to do it," Twilight commented.

Eventually, Shang Tsung reemerged from the cafeteria, dragging Sonya and Pinkie Pie behind him. "I believe these are the two you were looking for, hmm?" Shang asked rhetorically.

"I demand an apology from this hag!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"For what?" Sonya snapped back. "You attacked me! I should be the apologizee, not the apologizer!"

"That's enough!" Shang bellowed. "We shall settle this like we settle everything around here: with Mortal Kombat!"

"Fine!" Sonya and Pinkie Pie proclaimed in unison, as a cheer went up from the surrounding crowd.

Twilight watched apprehensively as the crowd begin moving towards the fight site. "I don't know about this..." she admitted.

"You never do," Spike muttered, as he and the other pones followed the crowd.


The atmosphere surrounding the fight was more like a primetime matchup than a midday undercard, complete with a raucous crowd that was not shy in voicing its opinion - or its favoritism. "Knock her block off, Pink!" one person shouted.

"You got nothin', Blade!" another person offered. "Nothin'!"

The anti-Sonya sentiment worried Liu Kang. "Why are they doing this?" he asked his companion. "They do realize we're trying to keep Shao Kahn from conquering Earth, right?"

"Meh." Sonya dismissed the sentiment. "Everybody loves an underdog - or underpony, in this case."

"I know," Liu Kang acknowledged, "but still..."

"Whatever," Sonya stated flatly. "They can cheer, they can boo, they can play vuvuzelas and sing show tunes for all I care - I'm going to change this pony's color scheme from pink to black and blue."

The ponies, on the other hand, were enjoying the good feelings being thrown their way - mostly. "Geez," Rainbow Dash pouted, "why don't people cheer like that for me?"

"Probably because you don't own a party cannon," Twilight suggested, turning back to Pinkie Pie. "Are you ready for this?" she asked.

"Yes," Pinkie Pie declared, her voice an octave deeper and far more serious-sounding than usual. "The honor of the pinkie promise must be defended."

"Okay then!" Twilight decided, secretly impressed with Pinkie Pie's newfound focus.

Finally, the referee stepped up to the edge of the ring. "Your attention please!" she called out. "This match is about to begin! In this corner, the undisputed party-hardy champion of the world...Pinkie Pie!"

"PING-KAH-MEE-NUH *clap clap clap-clap-clap* PING-KAH-MEE-NUH *clap clap clap-clap-clap*" the crowd started chanting. Pinkie Pie, however, did not acknowledge the cheers.

"And in this corner," the referee continued, "the woman responsible for the capture of the top-thirty most wanted Outworld outlaws...Sonya Blade!"

The crowd's chant shifted to "OH-VER-RAY-TED *clap clap clap-clap-clap*."

"Combatants ready?" the referee asked.

"Get on with it," Sonya responded, while Pinkie Pie just nodded.

"Very well," the referee declared. "FIGHT!"

Anticipating a verbal assault, Sonya struck a defensive pose and waited for the monologue. Pinkie Pie, however, didn't even crack a smile, choosing instead to stare stoically at her opponent.

"What's the matter?" Sonya inquired. "Cat got your tongue?"

Pinkie didn't flinch...or move...or even blink.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Sonya pressed.

Pinkie Pie simply raised a hoof, pointed it at Sonya, and motioned for the fighter to bring it on.

"Fine - be that way," Sonya snarled, charging the pony and attacking with a lightning-fast volley of fists and feet. Pinkie Pie, however, parried every attack with surgical precision, as if she could predict Sonya's every move.

Liu Kang and Twilight's jaws dropped in unison at the defensive display, while the rest of the crowd roared its approval. "Where on earth did Pinkie learn to fight like that?" Twilight wondered.

Applejack shrugged. "With Pinkie, anything's possible."

Meanwhile, Sonya's frustration level was rising with every deflected blow. "Come...on!" Sonya sputtered. "You...can't...stop...me...forever!"

Pinkie Pie responded by yawning and turning herself perpendicular to Sonya. While this move meant she had two fewer legs left for blocking, it didn't seem to make her any less effective. "Are...you...serious?" Sonya complained.

Pinkie Pie just kept waiting...and waiting...and waiting. "What are you waiting for - an invitation?" Rainbow Dash shouted to her friend. "Get after her already!"

After another ten seconds of building anticipation, Pinkie did just that, rearing back and planting a back hoof in Sonya's stomach, sending her flying backwards on a line.

"Yikes!" Liu Kang exclaimed, diving out of the way as Sonya flew past him. The palm tree twenty feet behind Liu Kang, however, made no such maneuver, and Sonya crashed hard into its trunk.

"Lucky shot," Sonya growled, quickly jumping back to her feet. "Let's see you block this!" Racing back into the ring, Sonya leaped into the air and aimed a flying kick at her opponent.

Pinkie reacted by slowly raising a hoof towards Sonya as she leaped, as if she was summoning some invisible force to freeze Sonya in mid-air. The action caught Sonya off guard, and threw her for a bit of a loop. "Seriously?" she yelled. "She can do that?"

Pinkie Pie smiled for the first time since the fight began. "No, not really," she admitted. Instead, she quickly sidestepped the attack, clamped Sonya's outstretched foot between her hooves, and started spinning like a hammer thrower.

"WHOOAAOOAAOOAAOOAA!" Sonya wailed as Pinkie spun her around and around, eventually flinging the fighter back through the air and up against the very same palm tree she had hit before. "I...think I'm going...to be sick..." Sonya moaned.

As the crowd cheered, Pinkie Pie switched to attack mode, rushing over to where Sonya lay, jumping into the air, and performing a massive headbutt drop on her opponent. Pinkie followed up the drop by lifting a stunned Sonya back onto her feet, pushing her so that she bounced off the palm tree, and striking her with a flying clothesline, causing the crowd to cheer ever louder.

"Give her the chair! Give her the chair!" a voice shouted from deep in the crowd.

Pinkie nodded in agreement, pulling a metal folding chair out of nowhere. "Now will you apologize?" she asked her fallen opponent.

"N...never..." Sonya offered a weak reply.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. "Okey dokey lokey!" she remarked, raising the chair over her head.

WHAM! Pinkie's blow drew a pained 'ohhhh...' from the crowd. Shielding his eyes from the actual hit, Liu Kang looked to see Sonya laying on the ground wearing the chair as a necklace, with stars and songbirds circling her head.

"That's it!" the referee announced. "The match is over! Pinkie Pie wins!"

As the crowd went wild, Pinkie walked back over to her friends. "Wow..." was all Twilight could muster. "That...that was incredible, Pinkie! How do you feel?"

"Like it's time to get out of serious mode!" Pinkie proclaimed, her voice reverting to its normal tone. Producing a three-layer cake from behind her back, she raised it above her head like a trophy. "Who wants cake?" she shouted to the crowd, which roared in approval.

Meanwhile, Shing Tsung (who had to step in after his uncle went to take a three-hour shower) walked over to where Sonya was sprawled out on the ground. "Geez Louise..." he mused. "I mean, I don't know what you did to that pony, but she worked you over but good. I mean, that last chair shot hurt me."

"Iz dat you, mommy?" a half-coherent Sonya mumbled.

Shing just shook his head, and went about removing Sonya's soul. After finishing the deed, he gave Liu Kang a sympathetic look. "I dunno, man," he offered. " I'm glad I'm in my shoes and not yours. I mean, these ponies look unstoppable, and you've got, like, zero momentum right now."

"Momentum is a fickle mistress," Liu Kang declared, "and starting tonight, the tide shall start to turn."