Of Earth Ponies and Their Magicks

by bahatumay

Chaos vs Kindness

Author's notes: A certain masked ferret requested that I place these notes at the beginning so as to make them easier to access, and I have found that it is always in my best interest to listen to ferrets.
That being said, there might be a few spoilers in the notes, so I have put them in a quote box above the double page break.

1) I almost had Twilight write, “Something terrible is going down through the entire town!” but decided against it, because I like my references to be less obvious. For example, in the first few paragraphs alone, I used quotes from Lilo and Stitch and Kung Fu Panda.
2) This is totally not from personal experience.
3) The problem with writing from her perspective is, she doesn't know their names. So I have to be descriptive, but not overwhelmingly so, because then it's hard to read.
4) The flu was to cause congestion. Turns out, it's impossible to hum with a plugged-up nose. I remember the first time I learned that. Mind. Blown.
5) This is, of course, Law number 1 of Cartoon Physics.
6) I've worked as a Spanish/English amateur translator and interpreter before, and I discovered that Spanish doesn't have a specific word for “chipmunk”. They just use the word for “squirrel”: ardilla (ar-DEE-ya). There's your random trivia for this chapter, use it in a sentence today.
7) I don't like it much when stories throw in fandom references just for the sake of making a fandom reference. For example, if I wanted to do so here, I would write that a gray pegasus also flew through the air, saying, “I just don't know what went wrong!” because canonically she was hiding in the chicken coop for a split second during the song in the episode “May the Best Pet Win”. Or, I could take the easy way out and descend to Scootachicken jokes... Nah.

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Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I just returned from checking the wards myself. They are as secure as ever.
My first inclination is to believe that a small packet of chaos energy has been released from the Everfree Forest, in which case I'm afraid that the only option is to wait it out. It should pass in a day or so.
Please keep an especially close eye on Pinkie Pie.

Your mentor,
Princess Celestia

* * *

Journal entry of Twilight Sparkle
25 Cancer, 3980

Yesterday, the princess told me that a packet of chaos energy may have escaped from the Everfree, and it should disappear soon. It hasn't disappeared. Strange things are happening here (1), and it's most unnerving. Just this morning I discovered that somehow there was baking soda in my jar of baking powder. That made the waffles disgusting (2), and Spike apologized, but I don't think it was his fault. I mean, he's never done this before, and he loves making waffles.
I hope this chaos ends soon. It's really getting old fast. After Discord, I have had no desire to even study chaos. In fact, I don't think it's even possible to study chaos.
Wait. That sounds like a challenge.
Maybe I can after all...

* * *

Screwball giggled as she skipped happily down the street. Swapping baking powder with baking soda was one of her favorite tricks to pull. You see, the pony actually doing the baking knew for a fact that she hadn't put in the soda, but it was such a common error that it was possible that she did, but she would have remembered grabbing the wrong jar, but it was possible she just saw 'baking' on the label and grabbed it... and their thought processes would go round and round and round, just like that, and it would drive them crazy and there was chaos. It was little, but still good.

Yeah. Still good.

Now, though, she had a different plan in mind. Today was the day she found the other pegasus. Then, just the pink mare. And then, finally, Magic would break.

Maybe. This might take some time. Screwball had to admit that she was nowhere near as good as Daddy had been. Either way, Screwball was determined to check off another box on her list. The only problem with this plan, though, was actually finding that elusive yellow pegasus.

As she skipped, she slowed to a stop as she saw the same gangly unicorn colt from yesterday's race, talking to a really short colt right outside of a house (3). Screwball felt one of the corners of her mouth perk up. Or maybe she just needed somepony stupid enough to tell her.

Now, he just needed some incentive. A carrot on a stick, if you would. But as soon as she faced him, she felt her ear flop, then one eye flutter, and then a knee twitch.

Or, you know, she could just let the universe provide. The door burst open, knocking Snails into the air and landing him in some conveniently-placed bushes, and a magenta earth pony happily trotted out of the house. She was carrying a picnic basket in her mouth, and was oblivious to the colt she had just knocked flank over teakettle. She was closely followed by a bouncing and smiling pink unicorn filly, who could only be described as 'the cutest filly in the world'.

Screwball watched the mother and daughter pair and felt... something well up inside her. Was it anger? Was it frustration? Was it jealousy? Whatever it was, she couldn't just let it slide. She raised her back right hoof, stomped lightly, and hoped that they liked their daisy sandwiches with a side of black ants.

She smirked silently until they passed by. With a quick glance to ensure she was alone, she walked up to the two colts.

“Hey, you ok?” she asked, her voice dripping with sweet concern.

“I... I think so...” the lanky one said, rubbing his head.

Screwball pulled out her signature pout and blinked expressively. “Ok enough to help out little old me?”

The small part of Snails' brain that dealt with mares knew that it was its turn to shine. It began spinning, with an awful groan of rust and twisted metal, and after some deliberation, churned out the response, “Nope. I'm still dizzy. Ask Snips.”

Screwball blinked. It was a good thing she liked chaos, because if this was the future of Equestria, there was going to be a lot of it. She turned to the stockier colt who was apparently named Snips. “So, do you know of a yellow pegasus mare with a long pink mane?”

Only one name came to mind. “You mean Fluttershy?”

“Ah...” Screwball murmured, her search for knowledge that much closer to being over. “So that is her name. Fluttershy.”

Snips nodded. “Oh, yeah. She's always taking care of ducks and such when I see her. She's really nice.”

Screwball smiled. Maybe she could change that. “Do you know where she lives?”

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Screwball was happily trotting down a path, when she began to notice that things looked rather familiar. A few minutes later, and she realized that she was back in town. She had walked in a circle. A very large, very long, very much winding through the forest circle, but a circle still the same.

With a growl of frustration, she spun around and stomped back towards where she had come from, cursing the two unicorns that had led her on a wild goose chase.

A smile came to her face as she remembered the last time somepony had done that. In her desire for revenge, she had found a goose (easier said than done), discorDed it (the process was named after her daddy), and sent it flying after him. Then, the wild goose was chasing him, and it was glorious to behold.

It was a shame she wasn't powerful enough to discorD ponies yet. That would come with time. Daddy had promised.

As she walked back through the forest, she heard the sound of happy humming. Eye twitching with annoyance, she scanned her surroundings, looking for the pony who was about to receive the worst flu of her life. (4) Playing hide-and-seek is rather easy when gravity is just a suggestion. Hovering in the air, Screwball caught sight of a yellow pegasus trotting through the forest on a different path, carrying a basket of plants or roots or something.

Screwball's smile stretched wider than her face. After all this time, and the pony she was looking for came right to her.

Though, of course, had she known what was going to happen next, she likely would have returned to Ponyville and stuck with the baking powder/soda mix-ups.

* * *

Still floating along through the air, Screwball followed Fluttershy through the forest. Fluttershy wound through the various paths, obviously quite at home here in the forest.

Eventually, she arrived at a cottage, nice and homely. Screwball waited in the tree branches for her target to go inside. When she did, Screwball took off her hat and rummaged inside, pulling out another rubber duck, a top hat, a fez, a baseball cap, a bowler hat—what was up with the hats within the hat today?—but eventually found the binoculars she was looking for. She watched as Fluttershy entered the house, surrounded by a little horde of adorable little animals with little pudgy noses and cute little feet and ugh... Screwball suppressed a shudder.

She looked down and widened her eyes, as if noticing her airborneness for the first time, and quickly plummeted to the ground, landing in a jumbled mess of mane, tail, hat, and purple pony. Floating was easy, as long as you didn't look down. Once you did, you fell. Strange how even chaos seems to have rules. (5) Much to Screwball's annoyance, another of those rules seemed to be, “Screwball may never land on her hooves. Period.” Pushing herself to her hooves, she cracked her neck once to get it back into place, and walked up to the house.

A plan began to form in her mind. She would start with the animals. That would get her nice and freaked out, and thus easier to affect with the chAos.

As she walked, she suddenly became aware of a sharp pull on her tail. Turning around, she saw a white bunny holding her tail and scowling darkly.

Having never been assaulted by a rabbit before, Screwball paused in confusion, and then decided to reply with a phrase that usually preceded a hoofload of confusion. “Can I help you?” Screwball asked.

The bunny made a quick pointing gesture that obviously meant, 'Yeah. Go away'.

“D'aww,” Screwball cooed. “Widdle Fwuttershy has herself a widdle guardbunny! Aren't you so tough? Yes you are, yes you are!”

The scowl deepened, and the gesture was repeated much more forcefully than before.

“Chill out, silly rabbit,” Screwball protested, returning to her normal voice. “I'm not going to hurt her or anything.”

The bunny snorted in disbelief, and pointed yet again.

Their conversation was interrupted by a voice. “Angel?” Fluttershy called. Her sweet voice made Screwball want to gag. “Where are you?”

The bunny's ears flicked—apparently he was the Angel in question—but he still glared daggers at Screwball.

While there was much fun to be had about that name paired with this bunny, Screwball decided to keep her focus on Fluttershy. “What?” Screwball asked innocently. “Don't you trust me?”

Angel gave a quick shake of his head and continued glaring, which turned into a look of apprehension when Screwball's expression turned evil.

“Good. You'll live longer.” Drawing on the cHaoS inside, she spun in place, slapping Angel across the face with her tail. She watched as his white fur slowly darkened, as if tainted, spreading from where she had hit.

Screwball giggled to herself. “Your mistress called you. Better go see what she wants.”

Angel nodded before turning around and going towards the door. Screwball watched with baited breath as Angel entered the house. Quickly finding a window, she floated up and peered through. As she watched, the bunny walked into the kitchen. Scenarios flew through Screwball's mind. He was getting a knife. He was going to start a food fight. He was going to put salt in the sugar container.

But Angel did none of these things. Instead, he pulled out a pan, various foods from the different cupboards, and began to cook.

Screwball rubbed her hooves together in excitement. Maybe he was going to put laxatives in her food! That was an absolute classic.

He tenderly and carefully sauteed his food, chopping onions, carrots, and who knew what else and adding them all into the pan. Screwball was many things, but a chef she was not, and had no idea what he was doing. Watching him cook soon grew boring, and she began to amuse herself by pulling a deck of cards out from somewhere in her mane and playing poker with herself. Daddy had shown her how, and it was actually pretty easy once you learned how to do it. She had just gone all in and was about to reveal her cards when she heard the scrape of metal on metal, just like a pan being removed from the stove. Spinning around, she saw him place the food carefully on a plate and pull out the salt shaker. Screwball grinned widely... only for it to fade as she noticed that he didn't put an excessive amount on it at all. Then, he stood and took it out the door.

Now mildly confused, Screwball ran around the cottage until she found a window offering a better viewpoint. Picking up her tail in her teeth, she lifted herself up and peered inside.

To her eternal shock and amazement, the rabbit was standing at attention and serving Fluttershy. To say that the yellow pegasus looked astonished would be an understatement, but she soon responded. “Oh... Thank you, Angel.” She gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. “You're in a generous mood today, aren't you?”

In response, Angel kissed her hoof like she was royalty, bowed slightly, and left the room.

Screwball's jaw literally unhinged itself and fell to the ground. Because of this, her tail fell out of her mouth as well, and she crashed to the ground for the second time today.

Grumbling, she pushed herself up again and began to walk around. What else could she do? Any trees to topple? Fires to start?

She froze as she came face to face with the largest group of animals she had seen. Some were playing, some were eating, some were merely lounging around. Each turned and regarded her curiously, but soon returned to their eating.

Screwball grinned evilly before rearing back and roaring. The sound of a lion tore through the air, and the animals scattered, screaming in their animal voices, sending food and each other flying in their dash for safety. Screwball laughed and quickly hopped behind a tree, only to reappear on top of the cottage. She couldn't find any popcorn, but she was going to enjoy this.

Fluttershy came bursting out of her house. Frantically, she flew around like a leaf caught in the wind, trying to talk down each scared animal. Screwball could catch phrases, like “please” and “don't worry” and “nothing” and she just tittered.

Until Fluttershy had had enough, and told them so.

“Enough!”

Every animal froze instantly. Screwball's jaw dropped in shock yet again. This yellow pegasus was full of surprises.

Fluttershy flew around to the various animals, giving them a quite thorough dressing-down. “What is going on here? I don't care what happens, wide spread panic is never the answer! Personal panic is perfectly fine, but someone could have gotten hurt! What if you had stepped on a mouse?” She whirled on another, demanding, “Or what if you had broken your leg again tripping over something?”

All the animals looked ashamed, and quietly shuffled back to where they were before.

“You don't need to be afraid here! I've already told you that. Now, can we resume a peaceful lunch?”

Upon receiving a unanimous affirmative, Fluttershy nodded self-importantly and headed back inside. She had lunch of her own to eat, after all.

Screwball removed her cap and scratched her head. What had just happened?

Well, if a fake lion roar didn't work, maybe a real lion would. Hopping down from the roof, Screwball landed with all the grace of a wet sponge, faceplanting heavily before picking herself up and heading deeper into the forest.

* * *

Well, this had been a bad idea. The only things Screwball had found were birds, more birds, and the random squirrel. Well, that last one might have been a chipmunk, but she couldn't tell the difference between the two, really. (6)

Stumbling blindly through the forest, she finally arrived at what looked like a hole in the side of a tree. Poking her head inside, she saw a bear sitting down. Screwball tried to restrain a cackle. A bear worked just as well as a lion. As she circled slowly, she became aware that something was not right. He seemed to be... knitting? She pondered this for a moment, and finally the jury of Screwballs in her head read the verdict: This place was crazy. No wonder Daddy wanted to make it Chaos Capital.

He looked up from his knitting and cocked his head in confusion, as if unsure why somepony would be foolish enough to enter his lair.

This question soon left his mind as he got hit in the face with Screwball's tail. Color drained from his fur, turning him a dull gray.

“That Fluttershy,” Screwball spat. “I can't believe you let her do this to you.”

Now enraged at Fluttershy, the disCordEd bear left his den and went off in search the pegasus, presumably to teach her a lesson. In the discorded state, he had a bit of a one-track mind. This is probably why he was ok with leaving Screwball behind, unsupervised, in his den, where he had food, shelter, and, of course, his knitting.

Screwball smiled deviously before grabbing one loose end of the yarn with her teeth, placing one hoof on the bottom, and pulling hard, unraveling the entire thing. Leaving the den, she stuck her head down a gopher hole and pulled herself out of Fluttershy's chimney. She wanted a front-row seat for this.

* * *

The bear entered the meadow swinging wildly and roaring. Needless to say, the animals were surprised at having their dinner interrupted again, and once again, there was the chaotic scene from before. Screwball liked it better when ponies were running in chaos, but she would take what she could get.

Too soon, though, Fluttershy burst out of her house again. “What are you doing?” she asked, fear running through her voice.

The bear, upon noticing his target, roared and charged right at Fluttershy. She managed to dodge, barely, losing a feather in the process.

“What are you doing?” she asked again, now terrified.

The bear either didn't notice or didn't care, and picked himself up and turned around, ready to charge again, but Fluttershy wasn't about to have that. Rearing back one hoof, she waited until he entered range, and, twisting her hips around for maximum force, she punched him. Right in the nose.

She literally punched the bear.

And, to Screwball's eternal astonishment, it dropped him right where he stood. His eyes spun as he tried to make sense of this new development, but Fluttershy wasn't done yet. She flipped him over with inequine strength and put her face in his, and told him in no uncertain terms how she felt.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she scolded. “You really could have hurt me! Or another one of my friends!”

And the bear lowered his head in shame. His color seemed to return as Fluttershy gave him a through dressing-down.

Screwball was fairly certain that she had fulfilled her astonishment quota for the rest of the year this day alone. This pegasus had tamed the bear with her words.

And she had punched out a bear!

Well, yeah, there were some other things too.

But she punched out a bear.

The twelve Screwballs in her head came to another unanimous decision, deciding that maybe it was best if she took a more “hooves off” approach.

Still standing on the roof, she stomped lightly with her back right hoof. Turning all the nails in the chicken coop to marshmallows certainly wasn't very original, but hey, she was in a bit of a bind.

It collapsed under its own weight, sending chickens, discarded feathers, dust, and eggs everywhere. (7) Egg yolk splattered on the ground, wood splintered, and the chickens loudly protested the loss of their home.

Screwball shrugged. Chickens were always complaining about something.

“Oh, my,” Fluttershy said, holding a hoof over her mouth in horror at the random devastation. Then, to Screwball's annoyance, she smiled. “You were needing a bigger coop anyway.”

Screwball watched as Fluttershy rounded up her animal friends, found no less than three hammers laying around (seriously?), and began to rebuild the coop. Every animal there was ready and willing to help, from the mice being sent as gofers to the beavers bringing more wood to the deer helping to hammer in nails. She didn't even seem annoyed. She even began to sing happily to herself.

And as if this couldn't get any worse? She was a good singer, too.

Screwball slowly removed her cap, put it over her mouth, and indulged in a little well-deserved scream therapy. What was wrong with this pegasus?

You know what? Fine. FINE. If nothing else works, you just have to do it yourself. Jamming her hat roughly back on her head, she jumped off the roof and walked straight up to Fluttershy. She tapped her shoulder roughly.

With a high-pitched “eek!”, the pegasus jumped slightly, dropping the nails she was holding. “Oh! You startled me! C- can I help you?”

Screwball responded by rearing back and smashing her head against Fluttershy's. The pegasus collapsed instantly, unconscious. She stared down at Fluttershy's unmoving body and allowed herself a small smile. Turning, she saw that same white bunny as before, once again glaring at her.

As she continued to turn, Screwball suddenly realized that she was surrounded by many of Fluttershy's cute little forest animals.

Except this time they didn't look cute; they looked angry.

And there were a lot of them.

Screwball's grin didn't shrink. What could a bunch of stupid animals do to her, the Mistress of Mayhem herself?

* * *

Two hours later, a very tired, very sore, very bruised, very scratched, very winded, and very exhausted Screwball still ran deeper into the forest. After a minute or so of silence, she cast a look behind her to ensure that those crazy animals had stopped chasing her, and when she was satisfied that they had, leaned against a tree and paused to catch her breath. She would never have guessed that animals could fight like that! And those deer! They look so peaceful but even if it had been funny putting little rubber protective red balls on their antlers, they could kick with their hooves and those had hurt!

She slowly slumped to the ground, still gasping for air. Wow... what a night. She failed to turn the yellow pegasus, she got beaten up by animals, and if her bad luck held, she had just blown her chance to stay hidden and undetected by the Elements.

“Can this day get any worse?” she groused. Normally, there is a strong taboo against saying this phrase, as the universe seems to interpret it as a challenge; but since Screwball was a chaos filly, saying this phrase usually helped make her day better. It was how the rules worked.

Unfortunately for her, she was in the Everfree Forest, and the Everfree forest plays by no rules but its own. Screwball stood up and slowly shook her head to clear it. Looking around, she realized she was standing in a large field of light blue flowers. And she recognized them instantly, having used them and their special powers numerous times before. This also explained why the animals who had been so thirsty for vengeance had simply let her go.

Because nopony—and that means nopony—is immune to poison joke.

“Oh, bugger."

Comments

[bahatumay]

You know what I hate? I HATE it when writers stop writing a story and then suddenly update almost two months later. Seriously? By then we've forgotten the plot, we've forgotten all of the earlier references, we've forgotten all of Chekhov's guns, we don't remember who's shipped with whom or if it's even a romance fic anyway... wait... *checks tags* Ok, it's not, which is good, because I didn't write any romance here.
Like, seriously. We have better things to do than wait around for you to update your stupid story.
....
That's exactly what I did, isn't it ok then never mind please to ignore this comment kthxbai