• Member Since 5th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Flutterpriest


Comments ( 18 )

Well that was... short.

10003884
Hah! :rainbowlaugh:

Some things to note for Flutterpriest:
1. You switched tense, a lot. It kind of breaks the immersion.
2. You have some mentions of hands?
3. Dialogue was... okay. "The prego” roflmao

Overall, I'd say the story was... okay. Nothing particularly bad, but nothing that particularly stands out as spectacular. It just kind of is.

Giving it a like, because it made me giggle. And also sparklecest. Sparklecest is good.

10003955
Thanks. The tense switching is a problem I know I have.

I'll control F some of those hands.

I don't know how to help you on the dialogue. I aimed for comedy first, sex second. On top of that, I had to keep it short cause I knew I had a ton of stories to write over the last week :)

10004050
Ah, well okay. It's fine about the dialogue. That kind of stuff is never easy to fix. All I ask if that you use my feedback to improve future fics.

Needs a bit more work on punctuation and where you do/don't start a new sentence, but the dialogue definitely got a few chuckles out of me. With the "action" scene so short, the humor kind of took most of the spotlight. I was surprised you didn't add the comedy tag.

Overall, not bad. Keep up the good work!

Why was this so wholesome

Pretty good. Felt rushed though. Very rushed. You could have divided it into 3 chapters. First the introduction with Cadance and Twi, second chapter the clop (and expand on that a lot. The blindfold shouldn't come off for at least half the chapter) and lastly the aftermath chapter with her foals.

“Yeah,” Shining said, “Those definitely weren’t dreams.”

God damn. I had to pause and think on life for a few seconds.

Damn, wish it had been longer in more ways than one, but I'm mostly satisfied with what I got. Thanks, Priest.

How to summarise this story in two words.
"What?"
"What?"

10/10,would laugh again.

ehhhh, I'm two parts torn on this one, part of me liked it but the writer in me is facepalming over and over at the lack of buildup, the rushed sex scene, and the lack of a plot beyond:

"Twilight got pregnant with her brother's foals, the end."

I feel like there could be such a much bigger plot to this even for a one-shot still and yet there was almost nothing here.

10082569
Exactly the best part

“What?”

“What?”

10003955

  • What? She just wanted her brother's sauce ... with meat

10184716
A lance of meat, with special basting sauce.

Some call it a spit roast.

I call it a DIIIICK

10186638
The sauce bit was in response to the 'prego' bit. Couldn't find the photo on my phone but prego is a tomato sauce brand

10187003
Oh, lol. There are also things like the Portuguese' prego roll.

“You should use protection if you don’t want to be… well. The prego.”

Recent studies show that nine out of ten mares prefer to be the prego over ragu. :twilightsmile:

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