“Spoon, Silver?” the teacher called out.
“Here,” the grey girl said flatly, resting her chin in the palm of her left hand.
“Tiara, Diamond?” the teacher called out.
A few seconds passed, and the teacher repeated the call, to more silence.
Sweetie stared over at Diamond’s seat, scratching her ear as she did. It was unusual to see Diamond and Silver separated for any length of time, and Silver did seem to be out of sorts herself. Where was the bully now?
She sighed and scanned the rest of the room, eyes falling on Scootaloo, then on Applebloom, and a few other classmates besides. Everyone had grown, and now here they were, just a few months from graduating high school. Scootaloo’s hair had grown long, and she wore it twisted into a long braid that wouldn’t interfere with her skateboarding. Her leather jacket was draped over the back of her chair, it featured patches of all sorts depicting what she felt were qualities she and her friends, and her hero, shared. Faded, torn, jeans adorned her slender legs while a loose fitting t-shirt featuring a picture of a rainbow-colored lightning bolt covered the rest of her. She looked inhumanely bored at this very moment, and Sweetie found herself stifling a giggle at that.
Applebloom had a hat sat leaning against her seat, near her feet. She couldn’t wear it in class, not since the new rules were established, but the Stetson told the story of her life well enough on its own. She still had her ribbon, but now she wore that tied around her upper right arm. A simple pair of jeans and a green shirt covered her up, and work boots covered her feet.
Silver’s glasses had been traded for contacts, and she wore a silvery button-up top tied at the waste, over black leggings that were covered by a light-grey skirt. A pair of silvery slippers finished this off, while bracelets and necklaces were set to accessorize an otherwise simple outfit. Silver didn’t appear to be looking at anything more than a wall, and she was clearly set on giving Scootaloo a run for her money in the bored-looking contest.
“Very well, Ms. Tiara is absent again…,” the teacher huffed as she turned to the chalkboard.
Sweetie noticed Silver visibly slouch as the teacher said this.
Huh?
The rest of class was a blur of numbers and functions, which Sweetie felt was absurd for so early in the morning. Nevertheless, she took down notes through her yawns. Halfway through writing down a particularly brutal equation she felt a buzzing, and jumped with a little squeak before scrambling to locate her cell phone. It was buried in the pocket of her capri pants, she felt herself blushing as the class turned to stare at her.
She sighed and pulled the phone from her pocket, bringing it to life with the press of a button and swipe of a finger. She had received a text message, from Scootaloo.
Sweetie, wna hng aftr skool?
Sweetie giggled briefly, using one hand to rapidly tap out a response while using the other to attempt continuing to take notes.
Sure, wher @?
She took a moment to focus on her notes, crossing out an erroneous number and filling in the correct one above it.
Strt w SCC, duh!
Well, of course. Sugarcube Corner would be the expected starting point. Scootaloo must have known this was not what she meant though.
Wer d u wanna go after?
Sweetie yawned again, and the teacher’s droning finally came to an end with the piercing screech of the school bell. The class was dismissed, and Scootaloo didn’t hesitate to throw on her jacket and grab her bag and start moving to the next class.
Sweetie smiled as she watched her friends readying for their next classes, she wished she’d not moved on to advanced placement when she had, it meant they didn’t share as many classes as they would have liked.
Skt prk
Sweetie sighed as she made her way to her AP English class, bumping into Silver as she approached the door.
“Watch it!” Silver said with a scowl.
“Oh, sorry. I wasn’t paying attention,” replied Sweetie.
“Any idiot could figure that out,” replied Silver with a pronounced roll of her eyes.
“Oh, um, yeah,” Sweetie said with a tiny giggle, then she stopped as she thought of something, “Oh, Silver, do you know what’s happened with Di-”
“Don’t. Even. Ask.” Silver snarled as she stomped away into the classroom.
Sweetie stood there, blinking for a moment as she scratched her head.
“Uh, did I say something wrong?”
“Theems tho,” said a rather distinctive lisp from behind her.
Sweetie turned to see Twist, her orange hair arranged in more manageable tails and her glasses settled comfortably on her nose. She stared at Sweetie for a moment, before tilting her head.
“Thomething wrong, Thweetie?”
“Uh, I mean… I don’t know. Just was wondering if Silver knew what was going on with Diamond, she’s been absent awhile now… Dunno, just feels wrong, I guess,” she said with a sigh.
Twist nodded in response.
“Thure, but it’th not really our buthiness, ith it?”
“I… guess?” she answered awkwardly as they both entered the classroom.
The rest of the day went by more smoothly, without Sweetie further unintentionally angering Silver, with random texts from Scootaloo and Applebloom throughout the day, and even the odd text from Rarity just checking in on her little sister so close to graduation. I mean, darling, it’s so exciting! Soon you’ll move on to college, grow and find the path you’re meant to take! I can hardly contain myself, dear!
All the while, though, she could never quite get her mind off of Silver, or Diamond. Why was Silver so upset? She was surly very often, but outright hostile? No, she was more along the lines of an antagonistic brat most of the time. It didn’t fit her at all, so what was up?
Naturally, Sweetie’s thoughts meant she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings, and so she collided with someone else. That someone else grunted as she fell and her bag slid a good distance from herself. Sweetie looked down and gasped.
“Oh! I’m so sorry!” she cried as she reached down and helped Silver up from the floor.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Silver snapped as she shoved Sweetie back.
Sweetie was caught off guard. She blinked, stunned into silence at Silver’s hostility.
“Gah! You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought!” she screamed as she lashed out and slapped Sweetie across the face with actual strength behind it. It left a mark, and left Sweetie even more stunned than before. Silver marched off, shoving another student out of the way and grabbing her bag before storming down the hallway and finally through the school’s exit.
“What the fuck is her problem!?” yelled Scootaloo as she watched Silver storming off, then turned to investigate Sweetie’s face, “Are you okay? That looked like it hurt pretty good…”
Sweetie blinked her stun away and focused on Scootaloo’s violet eyes, “I-I’m okay, thanks… Uh, how much did you see?”
“Saw my friend, the space case, walking along in her own little world before she runs into Silver and sends her crashing to the floor… then helps her up and gets yelled at for her troubles, and then gets slapped,” Scootaloo growled.
“Oh…”
“Y’know what? I’ve had it with her crappy attitude,” Scootaloo said as she adjusted her jacket and dropped her bag by Sweetie’s feet before spinning on the heel of her boot and marching after Silver.
“W-wait!” cried Sweetie.
“Ah don’t think she’s gonna listen ta ya,” a familiar twang spoke up from her other side.
Sweetie looked at Applebloom, they nodded at each other, and both took off at a run after Scootaloo, who had just turned and walked out the door moments earlier.
By the time they arrived outside, Silver was on the ground with a fuming Scootaloo staring down from over her.
“Scootaloo!” cried Sweetie as she ran up and placed herself between her orange-toned friend and the grey-toned girl. Scootaloo glared at her, clenching a fist and raising it up.
A strong hand gripped her wrist and held her fist steadily.
“Now hold on there, Scoots… Ah don’t think ya realize what yer about ta do,” said Applebloom calmly.
Scootaloo took a moment to collect herself, looking first at her fist and then at Sweetie who was stood resolutely between her and Silver.
“Oh… I…,” she tried, but the words failed and she deflated. As soon as this happened, Applebloom released her wrist and Sweetie took a breath. Silver groaned from her place on the ground before Applebloom reached down and caught her by her left elbow and carefully lifted her to her feet.
“Hands off me!” she screamed.
Scootaloo twitched, but Sweetie stepped up and hugged her first.
“Calm down, Scootaloo… Please…,” she said softly.
Applebloom just shook her head slowly at Silver, “Ain’t how ya show gratitude, Silver… and yer welcome, by the way, fer coming to yer aid so fast.”
“I don’t need your damned help! Leave me alone! All of you!” she said, hot tears forming at the corners of her eyes as she turned and sprinted away.
“Wha?”
After some time, the girls found themselves at the Corner, sipping on shakes and chatting about college prospects. Although, Sweetie never quite fully joined the conversation as she stared out the window. Scootaloo groaned and hammered a fist into the table they shared.
“What’s up with you, Sweets? Why are you acting like this?”
“I can’t help thinking about Silver… and about Diamond…,” she replied softly.
“Are you freaking kidding me, Sweetie?! Those jerks!? If they’re miserable, it serves ‘em right!” cried Scootaloo.
“I don’t think anyone deserves to hurt, Scootaloo,” Sweetie returned.
“I-I,” Scootaloo stammered.
Applebloom sighed and drummed her fingers on the table, “She’s got a point there, Scoots… Ah mean, Ah ain’t no fan of them gals neither, don’t get me wrong now… Ain’t sayin’ ah’d go n’chase after ‘em or nothin’”
“...I just mean… I hate to think they’re hurting like that, y’know? What if it were me? I’d want you girls there for me-” Sweetie said.
“And we would be!” Scootaloo declared.
Sweetie smiled, “I know, and thank you… But… I’m worried, a lot… They don’t really have friends like I do, like you do… Sure, they have each other, but they don’t seem all that great at it, do they?”
“Eh, Silver’s just a follower to Diamond’s prima donna anyway,” Scootaloo scoffed.
“Ah think Scoots is right, Sweetie. Ain’t like they don’t get each other, at least,” Applebloom offered.
Sweetie fidgeted for a moment before she grabbed her drink and stood up.
“Okay, you girls can stay here then… but… I’m going to go and check on Diamond, and maybe she’ll know why Silver is so angry…” she said steadily as she looked at Scootaloo then Applebloom.
“You’re serious?!” cried Scootaloo.
“Ah don’t think that’s such a great idea, Sweetie… What if she just turns ya away?”
“It’s a risk, I’ll admit… but I’ve still gotta try!” she declared as she turned on her heel and walked toward the door of the Corner.
“Ah fine! It’s your damn funeral!” Scootaloo yelled after her.
The manor was intimidating. That was the first thought that went through Sweetie’s head, followed quickly by “Why did I come here?” and that was supplanted by “Okay, Sweetie, just a knock on the door…”
And so, she did. After that she noticed the large brass knocker and smacked her own forehead.
It took several minutes, during which time Sweetie considered she might have come at a bad time and might have to return later. However, the time spent considering leaving meant that the butler had time to arrive at the door and gingerly open it.
“Yes, ma’am?” he spoke eloquently, poise and confidence dripping from the words.
“Uh… I’m Sweetie Belle, a friend of Diamond’s… uh, and I’ve been getting kinda worried about her because I haven’t seen her in school,” she supplied.
“Ah, I see. You wish to visit the Young Mistress?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Understood, please wait a moment,” he said as he backed into the house and quietly closed the door, leaving Sweetie Belle staring at the door with some confusion.
“What just happened?” she asked the door.
The door did not respond. It did, however, open. Once again revealing the butler.
“The Young Mistress seems not inclined to respond to my entreaties… However, I do not believe that silence necessarily indicates unwillingness. At any rate, she so seldom receives visitors other than Miss Spoon. Do you wish to see if she will respond to you?”
“Um, yes,” she replied.
“Very well, please follow me,” he spoke quietly as he turned and receded into the manor toward an enormous spiraling staircase. It was thick marble, with a large crystal chandelier hanging above as centerpiece to the scene. Sweetie was in awe, the house looked huge on the outside and the inside agreed with the notion wholeheartedly.
The butler ascended these stairs, choosing to move up the right spiral. Sweetie followed him, still looking around at statues, ornate crown molding, and so much more. The house was decorated at every point, practically bragging about being the size it was and the wealth of its occupants.
It took a few minutes to reach a mahogany door, at which the butler nodded.
“Ms. Belle… The Young Mistress is behind this door,” he said softly.
Sweetie nodded at the butler, at which point he nodded in return and took his leave.
Sweetie turned to the door and took a deep breath. She’d never been in Diamond’s house, couldn’t imagine any reason she would be, and yet here she stood, ready to talk to the girl.
She raised a hand and gently knocked on Diamond’s door, which gently opened on its own. Sweetie blinked, then stepped forward and carefully moved the door further, poking her head inside.
“D-” she cut herself off when she saw Diamond Tiara standing before a full length mirror, down to her bra and panties, staring at herself. Angry red scars crisscrossed over her legs, stomach, and upper arms. Her eyes were sunken, and she looked tired. She was also crying, and seemed not to notice Sweetie at all.
I think I see where this is going, and I'm not sure I'm going to like it.
9989087
There's no guarantee of that, sorry. It's a tough subject.
Your tags for this story are; Equestria Girls, violence, Suicide/Self Harm, Profanity, Drama, Sad, Slice of Life, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, CMC's. Based on that, I already have a rough sketch of the story. Between that and the description of the story, I already had a pretty good idea what I was getting into before I started the story so I don't think I'm as surprised as Winter_Solstice. Emotionally speaking, I pretty much got on the level of what I was expecting so I was sufficiently braced for the impact. Other people might react more strongly, though, because they are used to the standards of the show and the show is escapism from the harshness of reality. Stories like this could simply be a reminder how grim life can actually be which might bring back painful memories and perhaps make the story a little too relatable for some. (Shrug). But that's the thing about fiction writing. It can go anywhere. The show canon characters are little puppets to a fanfiction writer and they could be presented in a wholly different light accordingly. For those who are ready, such things should be appreciated for it's own value. That's probably the wisest approach to any fanfiction story. I suspect most of the readers on this site appreciate it when the show canon characters really act and feel like they characters they know and love, even when they are put in unfamiliar situations. For my part, I tired my best to make such characters feel authentic which I suspect my readers appreciated, but with such little feedback, I don't know this for certain. This story may require your audience to have a broader pallet, but if they do . . . if they can hoofle this . . . then there are probably also many more stories that could potentially be on their menu on this website. Those with broad tastes and loose standards are usually easier to please in general.
There are a few technical issues that I'd like to point out which very likely are mistakes. Copy/paste this sentence in Control+Find. "It left a mark, and left Sweetie even more stunnied than before." I'm fairly certain that stunnied is a misspelling here. Quite likely a typo in this case, because it certainly isn't a quote from a character. Instead, this was narration outside of a character quote.
Another questionable thing I found is: "Silver marched off, shoving another student out of the way and grabbing her back before storming down the hallway and finally through the school’s exit." Did you actually mean "bag" instead of "back"? Because, four paragraphs before that, there was this sentence, "That someone else grunted as she fell and her bag slid a good distance from herself." The continuity of these sentences seem to suggest that Silver Spoon grabbed her bag upon leaving, not her back. She could have grabbed her back too, but why? Was it hurting? If this is what you meant, then is her bag still on the floor? I guess Silver was too frustrated to remember to pick it up.
Possible, but unlikely, which is why I pointed this out.
Yet another question I have about this story pertains to the unnamed butler in this story. Is it Randolph? (Click here for reference: https://mlp.fandom.com/wiki/Randolph/Gallery). If so, I wouldn't expect Sweetie to know that. Sounds like this is the first time she came to Diamond Tiara's house. As such, it makes sense that you wouldn't immediately spout out his name. Why would Sweetie Belle say, "Oh Randolph, it's you!" We can wave the name entirely due to the context of the story, at least for this chapter until he is more officially introduced, except for one thing . . . if it is Randolph, a more detailed description of him could be in order. Sort of a hint for readers to let them know with whom the story is dealing with. If you scroll down in the link I offered above, there are a few human pics of Randolph in there. Personally I don't recall seeing him in Equestira Girls, but those pics are there nonetheless.
Once again I like your distinctive grammar style for each of the characters. That is something that brings the story to life. I've already established that you have a good hoofle on county twang, but you got Twists lisp on top of that. Furthermore you got the crude spellings of the text messages. That's a nice touch! If I were to picture those scenes as a movie, then a pop up window probably appeared beside Sweeties head which showed those messages. If that is the way most people talk like in text form, then I really appreciate that detail.
I realize that the story is incomplete. I wouldn't expert it to be called "Chapter 1" if it was the last chapter. Man, if the credits actually rolled after the line, "She was also crying, and seemed not to notice Sweetie at all." And they all lived miserably ever after. THE END! Wow. That wold be quite abrupt. But yeah. It's clearly established that this is the beginning of the story, not the end. That said, I do have one question about the ending of this chapter. Is the chapter itself complete, or is it all you've written so far and it's meant to continue? Personally, I'm guessing that the chapter is indeed done because the tone of the ending is a cliff-hanger. That's the hook meant to draw the reader into the next chapter. Can't say this for certain, but that is the direction the story seems to be leaning on to me.
9992295
There are plenty of stories in this vein
So, yes, there are plenty of stories with difficult themes. This is one such, and so I say it has a trigger warning and please be careful about continuing to read this.
Thank you, I've located and corrected the noted mistakes.
I don't know Randolph, not yet. So, no, this is not Randolph. Though this fellow will quite likely play a bigger role in later chapters.
I'm honestly unsure if that's how folks talk in text form anymore, I personally take the time to type it all the way out on a flip phone. But that's me. Could use a reference, I think.
Correct, The chapter itself is complete. I am currently working on how best to proceed into Chapter 2 in a way that does not piss everyone off.
For all those who haven't seen Season 5, Episode 13, "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", you might want to skip this reply. This is a spoiler warning.
Okay, so . . . when I woke up today, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me when I thought about the apparent falling out in this story between Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. When I read this story, i thought to myself even the first time, "Okay. This seems familiar." Then, today, it hit me. You already admitted in another letter that you saw up to Season 6, episode 8 (so far). You also clearly referenced "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" to demonstrate your emotional reaction to it, then it dawned on me that one of the three plot threads in that episode, specifically the second one, is exactly what this fanfic is based on. Once I understood the basis of the core premise, I also realized where this story is likely going as well. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but this story is based on the reasons why Diamond Tiara was depressed, and this story is about the consequences of her not receiving the help she needed when she was still a young child. I think this story is about the natural development of her character when her woes were allowed to fester into her late teen years, except now she'll finally get the help she needs. If I'm right, then Spoiled Rich is the primary antagonist in this story, and the CMC will be the protagonists, especially Sweetie Belle in the beginning but her friends will eventually be pulled into the story as well. I think the CMC will realize that Diamond Tiara critically needs therapeutic help, especially from a friend, and Spoiled Rich will yell at her daughter for hanging out with, "Confused, insignificant low-lifes!" Diamond Tiara herself will also lash out many times throughout this story out of habit and because she's in pain, but deep down she won't repel the CMC completely unless it's to protect them, because inwardly she's also crying out desperately, "Help me, please!"
If I'm right about where I think this story is going and Diamond Tiara does get the help she needs, and moreover if that help eventually starts to succeed to heal her, then I highly recommend adding any one of the following search tags to your story; Hope, Healing, Redemption, or Recovery. Again, only do this if the story moves in that direction instead of something like "suicide". If it does go where I think it does and if you add one of the search tags above that I recommended, then it informs the more observant readers of the story by giving a heads-up and admitting, "Okay, the story does start out dark, gritty, and depressing and that tone does linger for quite awhile, but ultimately this story is about redemption and healing. About recovery from a tragic backstory." Upon seeing that, it'll give the readers hope and hook them into the story for longer. They'll say to themselves, "Okay, I see what the problem is. I see the source of the conflict of this story, and yeah . . . it stings. Now how does it eventually get solved?" Those search tags will them them, "Bear with me. I know it starts off dark, but it gets better."
As an FYI, I think Randolph first appeared in the episode "Twilight Time" Season 4, Episode 15. You should have already passed this episode so I'll offer a reminder. He's the old butler who did a performance dance for Diamond Tiara's classmates because she was too "tired", but she slides in and bumps him off just at the end of his performance in order to trick the others into thinking she did the performance all along, and quite stupidly most of her classmates fell for it except the CMC. Randolph makes a few other appearances later in the show. A lot of fans appreciated the callback and continuity of his future appearances, basically saying to themselves, "Oh hey! I know that guy! Glad to see he's still around, and apparently he's still serving the Rich family". I won't go into detail there just in case there is spoilers, but the point is he is a character that remained connected with the Rich family. Apparently the pattern holds in the Equestira Girls universe as well, so that is why I made that assumption.
Oh my. This... this is gonna get rough...
Tugging heart aside, this is a great start! It could use some brushing-up, just slightly, but overall, you have a really nice way with words. I was pleasantly surprised to see how you described Diamond, there at the end. Not many writers can just openly state what the scenario is looking like, and you did it very well.
I'm feeling like this will go downhill, storyline-wise. But I cannot wait to see how you write the next sections. It has my upvote, and it has my "tracking". Beautifully done; keep it up!
9998811
Thank you very much :) I will handle this well, I promise that. It's a topic I'm rather sensitive to. And, you say it could use some brushing up? How so? Tell me more, please
Looking forward to it!
Well, like:
Most teenagers would use the "@" for "at".
I think that should be "comfortably"?
And then, more or less right after the use of "comfortable", you have this:
Which isn't anything but a nitpick.
Technically, she has, so it might do better with a "further", or simply an "again" at the end.
Slight overuse of "hell". I mean, you have the Profanity tag, so you could.. exercise it a little.
Overuse of "open hostility".
Just the little things, that don't really matter, but just.. support the story.
9999818
Aaah, thank you. I'll go back and address that stuff later. I appreciate your feedback.
Definitely enjoying this so far. I liked the characterization throughout, and I loved the descriptions at the beginning. I didn’t know what to expect, and then that ending came in and had me hooked to see what’s next. Can’t wait to read more!
that cover picture looked like forsaken halfbreeds between homo erectus and homo habilis.