Lobster of Faith, Part One
Twilight Gets a Puppy
Season 4
By TDR
Lobster of Faith,
Part One
Twilight Sparkle was not sure what she had been expecting. But she hadn't been expecting this.
Lionheart, the island capitol of the Gallopagos and the Nox-Cal race was a massive dormant volcano island that was honey combed with passages to the underground old city built into the mountain itself. Above that in the cauldra of the volcano was the new city of Lionheart built after the Equestrian civil war. Quick flying Thestrils, magically capable Kirin and the massive towering Nocturne roamed the city going about their day, some stopping to stare curiously at the group getting off the train for a time before moving on.
The city itself was hardly unexpected as Twilight had gotten a great deal of information about it from Comet Trail. Though the size of the double city dwarfed both Canterlot and Manehatten put together, and who knew how deep into the volcano the old city actually went. The lower levels were all constructed during and after the War of Night and the Equestrian Civil War as a fortification against possible attacks and retaliations. The only conflict to ever reach the shores of the island came from an Equestrian navy admiral, who defying orders from the princess, tried to put the island and all its inhabitants to the torch.
What was left of the admirals fleet was now a popular scuba diving destination for some tourist spots that had cropped up on the outer chain of islands.
The Nox-Cal had never officially surrendered, but after a time they opened up trade and travel, though it was always limited until the return of Princess Luna. About a year after her return, Gallopagos was again made part of Equestria, instead of just a contested territory.
This was still debated rather hotly among some of the older Nox-Cal, but even they couldn't or wouldn't argue with Princess Luna directly.
Still all of that was expected. What wasn't expected was when everyone save Granny and the Crusaders was ushered into a rather nice conference room in the capitol to meet with a very, very, small figure.
Teacup regarded the lot of them with some interest, flitting around the room like a humming bird. Teacup was pastel blue with a robins egg blue mane. A tiny suit of red leather armor adorned the breezie gods form and a rather wicked looking butter knife covered in tiny glowing red runes fit between the buzzing wings.
Teacup fluttered to a stop in front of Sombra and frowned.
“Such a waste, you could have went on for years with that, but you gave in for chocolate.” Teacup fussed before darting over to Sunset.
“And you, that was the dumbest play for power I have ever heard of . At least you aren't backing down from your current interest.” Teacup snapped before darting over to Applejack. The breezie regarded her for a moment before quickly zapping her with something, then floating up to look the much larger Witch- Jack in the eyes.
“That was some shit. But you better not back down either.” Teacup huffed before zipping in front of Spike.
“You, you I do not like. You're mom's a total bitch, and you stopped me from gaining enough power to fix this mess with logic. LOGIC! I fucking hate dragons.” Teacup snarled.
“What?” Spike asked in surprise.
“You talked Celestia down from killing the orange one. Do you have any idea of the conflict that would have exploded from that. It would have started the Equestrian civil war all over again, With the Apple family, the buffalo, the dragons and the moon dogs drawn fully into the fray between Celestia and Luna. One death would have brought an Armageddon of such proportions I could have fixed everything.” Teacup snorted.
“Umm... Sorry for not allowing the death of millions?” Spike stated looking around curiously at the others.
“No you're not." Teacup huffed," But any way.”
“Do you have to be this abrasive?” Twilight demanded.
“Look Sparkle if you had gone though half the shit I did... well you'd be dead.... a lot of times.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“Ugh this is that stupid negotiation crap isn't it? With pleasantries and diplomacy and all that shit.” Teacup's eyes rolled. ”I told Celestia I didn't give a crap about that.”
“Well cutting to the chase then. What exactly did you want from us?” Twilight demanded.
“Right. Brass tacks as it were. I can do that.” Teacup settled down on the table. ”Let me tell you a bit of a story. It's about how the Breezies trip came to be. It all started with this centaur bastard named Tirek.”
“Tirek?” Sombra muttered. “I have heard that name before.”
“Tirek's the god of centaurs, thieves and probably leeches.” Teacup explained.
“Leeches?” Witch- Jack questioned.
“Yeah, CAUSE HE SUCKS!!” Teacup roared before settling down again. The Breezy seemed to have some issue staying calm.” Alright, alright, I'm good, I'm good. Any way a long time ago, I have no idea how long, I don't bother to keep track of anything beyond how much time is left, there was a single portal in Equestria to my world. The Tir Na Nog, or the Fae Wood by your naming conventions. I think the place connected to some place here called the Rainbow Valley, but whatever. Any way King Leech found the place and tried to drain the portal of its power. He half succeeded. It blew up instead and split my entire world in half.”
The others blinked as they regarded the diminutive breezie.
“At the time most of the Breezie race lived near the portal, Rainbow Valley was a near perfect copy of our own world, only not quite as beautiful. But it allowed us to trade and hang around with your ancestors, who thankfully evolved out of that fat hippo thing they had going on.” Teacup explained. “ But that was who the crap knows how long before Tirek did his thing. Any one living near the portal got flung out of it and trapped here as the portal sputtered out. For some reason or another the powers what is decided that I would be made a god. I wasn't any one, just a guard for the queen. I had seen who had done this and I wanted his head. Being a god, I got like eight of his heads. Lost count of how many times he crushed me, but I didn't stop.”
Teacup sighed.” Fortunately for you ponies a newly ascended Celestia showed up, and while me and the leech were fighting, she managed to save a good portion of the breezies from dying before she joined in the fight. Tirek got driven back, but the portal was fucked, the queen and all the royalty were dead as were a large portion of all the breezies who got kicked out of our home. Even less than that survived until the following year when the portal reopened in two different places.”
“Wait what happened to Tirek?” Sunset asked.
“His brother turned on him and he got sealed in Tartarus until he gives up his powers and dies.” Teacup huffed. “Celestia wouldn't let me wipe out all the centaurs to speed it up, and who the crap knows how to kill all thieves. I mean nobles and politicians exist. Celestia wouldn't allow wholesale slaughter and I owed her for saving as many as she did so I didn't go full Genocide Route.”
“Wait, what?” Sunset questioned.
“ The portal appeared in two places, one led to the highlands and one to the lowlands in the Fey Wood. Problem was the pollen from the highlands was needed to keep the plants from the lowlands, which we needed to survive, alive.” Teacup sighed. “And given neither portal appeared in Rainbow Valley any more and everything in this death world you ponies live in is trying to kill breezies, Celestia offered me another deal. I don't go out sparking wars to feed my power so I can fix the portals, and she will make sure her ponies help us every time we have to do the migration.”
“How much power would you need to fix the portals?” Twilight asked.
“According to Celestia and a couple of her horn brain subjects. 78 megathrums.”Teacup offered.
Sunset and Twilight both seemed to be calculating that for a moment as Twilight took notes.
“Given the rate at which gods gain power from their portfolios....” Twilight considered.
“And this would be a major portfolio too.” Sunset continued.
“Right. Nearly every country on the planet would need to be at war with each other.” Twilight concluded., close to three billion fighting.
“Yeah even your war of night didn't managed that. But I mean crap, I draw power from any sort of war, when you're at war with yourself on decisions, the war against moles in your garden. It's not just open conflict. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you leave your shitty house, and you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do leaving his mansion.
Class war.
You make it to work, and you find out that the annual drug test is today. And you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents.
Drug war.
But then, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your griffon and nox-cal co-workers.
Race war.”
The gathered group stared at the ranting breezie.
“I draw power from war, from conflict..... not cold wars though, that griffon, zebra feud was blue balling me for two hundred years.” Teacup ranted. “Every conflict, every fight riot, argument, and even inner turmoil adds to my power Sparkle. And it has yet to be enough for me to FIX MY FUCKING GATE!!!”
“Uhhhh.” Twilight began.
“Okay calming down, calming down.....” Teacup exhaled. “Look I asked you here because you're the god of magic, if any one can help me figure out how to get the portals fixed sooner it would be you.”
“Sooner?” Spike asked.
“Yes. In a hundred and eighty eight years from now the portals are predicted to come back together, every year they've been getting a little bit closer, current prediction has them meeting near the foal mountains in one hundred and eighty eight years. Every year I bring the breezies who will be staying in the high lands for the year to the highlands portal. And the ones who I brought last year have to fly along the breeze corridor to bring the pollen back to the lowlands portal. And as I said EVERYTHING wants to kill us here. I'm the only one who can actually do anything in this place, and the moment I go home the powers 'what is' will probably take away the magic that makes me a god since my home doesn't follow the stupid rules of this place. And until this is all done. I. CAN'T. GO. HOME!” Teacup snarled, whipping off the butter knife and slamming it into the table. The table broke in half along with the floor under it and a large crack traveled along the wall in the direction the breezie was facing. Thankfully no one was in that direction. “Right, sorry, sorry, I'm a little testy here......”
“S'fine. Ah get why.” Witch-Jack nodded not sure if she could have done anything about that blast of magic.
“Well. I'll do what I can to help, but I'm rather new at this whole goddess of magic thing.” Twilight offered.
“Look, if you can knock off even twenty minutes of the time needed I'm more than happy to help out with anything you want. You need some one killed, I got that, a small country destroyed. I can do that too. A large country? Yep, I got you.” Teacup stated. “Harmony said it was working on something to try and help, but no one has seen that damn tree in a long time.”
“We did, but Harmony didn't say anything about portals.” Twilight sighed.
“Figures. At any rate. I wanted you, Sunset, and Sombra here as well. Sombra had a weird upbringing and schooling, and I know Solomon studied Tirek. Sunset went to another dimension entirely and might have some insight into portals. I wanted the foals and dragon here because if they screw something up, the breezies have already left this portal. I wanted the Witch Wolf here in case magic needed to be eaten to help. And Granny I knew was gonna come, cause I owe her ten bits.” Teacup sighed.
“For what?” Spike asked.
“Mind your own business.” Teacup snapped.
“Why Applejack though, why not Rahs?” Sombra questioned.
“Cause Rahs has a date and I didn't want to interrupt that.” the breezy pointed out.
“Seriously is everyone watching my brothers dating life?” Twilight growled.
“Only the ones that matter.” Teacup smirked. “I have my own vested interest in Rahs' love life. Unlike the others in regards to your brothers dating life though, I make no promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield after all.
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10593112
Wow another bot. This one is sort of a compliment but also not clever.
Is it wrong that I'm currently imagining Teacup speaking in a female version of The Major's voice?
10593123
Teacup has not had a gender assigned.
So I guess you could say that Teacup "Loves Var" I guess when he was still a guard his rank was Major.
Love the hellsing abridge ref
That's a very angry, very metal breezie. Cadence is very likely proud.
10593127
Whichever brings more conflict at the time, I'd say.
"If you came from where I come from, you'd be DEAD!"
A god that feeds on conflict and strife. One would think he were the god of Windigoes or something.
Someone is a fan of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
10593127
To be clear, who is willing to get close enough to find out?
Ah man, seeing Tir Na Nog hurts me personally. :(
Rip Hoops and Cuber Dwarf.
Now Pat Benatar is hosting a concert in my head with that last line.
Two gods, three demigods, and a werewolf all in the same room together.
I swear this sounds like a setup for one of Discord jokes.
Also who current has it in the betting pool that the following beings, in no particular order, ascend to gods/goddesses?
Spike
Sombra
Pinkie Pie (assuming she isn’t one already)
Sunset Shimmer
Trixie
Applejack
Jade
Saturnalia
Rarity
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
Prince Blueblood
Big Mac
Shining Armor
Applebloom
Scootaloo
Sweetie Belle
Thorax
Kevin
...I should have seen that last line coming.
References are cool.
Also, I wonder if Cadence knows teacup has a little part of her turf.
So...did Teacup just declare their romantic interest in Rahs? Cause that's what it sounded like.
This Hellsing ultimate abridged reference had me laughing way too hard.
I find it hilarious that Teacup is the god of war. And that even the gods are in on Rahs' love life.
10593364
I think it was more so interested in seeing this romantic contest of wills continue between Rahs and his soon to be 6 suitors.
After all, love is a battlefield.
And it is quite the active one
10593257
Someone was, since Sea Breeze is Teacups's son
10593337
I got money on Jynx becoming the God of Dimond Dogs at some point
10592684
The joke- whoosh
Your head
Also, waffles.
10593388
I read that and for the rest of the chapter, Teacup had the Major's voice in my head.
How big a wizards wheel would be needed to absorb that much magical energy from what sort of area, either dead, or far larger for regneration at what speed, to generate the pulse needed to fix the portal?
A thousand years temporal city mass displacement?
Wow, even the God of War recognized the destruction capability of the Goddess of Book.
10593364
Nah Teacup loves the conflict the girls are going through chasing him though.
10593406
Jade?
10593886
Whoops, I meant Jynx
I see someone is a fan of Team Four Star
10593407
Unfortunately, there are plenty of people, including at least one IRL acquaintance of mine who ought to know better, who are historically illiterate and blinkered enough to seriously believe this (the proposition that "cancel culture" was invented by and is only used by "the far left"), so even now that I know you meant it ironically, I still do not find it funny.
It's like when Seinfeld gets sent to prison and decides to entertain his new cellmates with a standup act full of prison jokes, except that there it was at least clear that he was trying to tell jokes.
10590079
According to TV Tropes, the original forty cakes meme was from an edutainment book called the Superdictionary.
It continues:
10593886
Sorry. I meant Jynx.
10594580
I don't care; waffles are still superior to pancakes. Look, I'm not an idiot. I know that historically both sides of the political spectrum have used cancel culture, but right now it's largely being used by the left. I didn't come here to talk politics, though, I came to have fun because, ultimately, this story is meant to be humorous, and I made a joke. You didn't find it funny? Fine. That's okay. I thought it was hilarious, and so did a bunch of other people.
Teacup losing his temper repeatedly reminds me of Hades in Disney’s Hercules.
media3.giphy.com/media/12lV980pEpWM9i/giphy.gif?cid=4d1e4f291lk7jj84vi2ttf40uxrhdxqczz49gj3nu0eqk6uw&rid=giphy.gif
(That's a pretty long sentence.)
Teacup is a fun god. :P
10603142
Thanks. Fixed all that except the powers 'what is'. That's correct
...all in favor of containing this one so it doesn't cause problems?
10603906
*holds up a magic mason jar with magic air holes in the magic lid* Amen to that.
10614682
Wait I have a better plan
*rips Teacup's portfollio out of him and slaps Twilight in the face with it, which proceeds to glow violet before dissappearing*
Congratulations Twilight, you are now the goddess of Breezies and War!
That's species not race, Earth pony, Pegasi, and Unicorn are races of the pony species, Griffin are bird and feline hybrids, no pony in them, and Nox-Cal I think are hybrids of dragon, pony, and bats.
I cannot argue with this. And wow, Teacup has good reason to be pissed, but damn..... and the scary thing is who might get his war portfolio if he does stop being a god.
And, do note, even this ball of rage and destruction will not screw with Granny Smith.
So Undertale and Helsing Abridged I see.
The Breezie god is a whole barrel of refferences. XD
So. Teacup does like war. He LOVES war.
Everyone loves TFS Hellsing
Never see someone in love with war before
dis is funny refence to hellsing abridged
Well shit... War for War sake. Not a fan of it...
I can imagen humans a Breezee to enjoy the same lethaly in Equus.