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Leading the hive is a role Thorax fell into, but as more and more changelings look up to him they consider him a replacement for their former Queen. Now they want to make it official, but Thorax isn’t so sure. Perhaps his pony friends can give him advice on the matter.
So, here it is. My very first story. A lot of thanks to my beloved Foofy, who's been supporting and helping me from the very beginning.
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For a first story, this is pretty damn good lol
Love the imagery. You get a follow and a fav from me good sir.
9989888
Thank you very much, sweetling!
This is so simple and genuine, no depth of plot or some sense of drama crammed in, just a clear premise and what happens with it. This could be a scene from the show, basically word for word, and I'd believe it. I think that tells how well you're able to replicate the feeling FiM has.
As a Slice of Life veteran, I adore the straightforward fics that perfectly reflect a day in the life of the characters.
Definitely going to follow! Any fellow buggo writer is a writer worth keeping an eye on.
9989978
Your kind words are appreciated. I hope you will enjoy the rest of the story just as much once it is ready.
Good start up to the story, feels clean and natural, like the build up to a casual conflict.
"Aellyth pulled back her creation in fear of seeing it fall off and glowered." I'd recommend changing 'fall off' to 'crash on the ground' because it sounds more OOMPH if that makes sense. More danger.
Pretty good description of a scuffle, I like it.
I like the solution of a color identity management. Shows wisdom in the value of therapy and talking problems out to find answers.
"letting himself slump onto his haunches and holding both of his forelegs up in defense." I feel like this could be better worded. Something quicker and more succinct to reflect how close the catch was. Something like... "slumping back onto his haunches and narrowly catching it in defensive forelegs." Not sure? I can't really make a good recommendation on this one. It's fine if it stays the way it is.
I like this description. Very natural and reasonable.
"Should he be more intimidating? No. That couldn’t be the solution. He blinked." Characters being introspective about what they need to do is one of my favorite things. I try to do it often in my story because I never get enough of that conflict.
Not sure how I feel about the ultimate solution, but it's a nice catch all and it represents the changelings learning to share so... not bad. I like it.
It's cute watching Thorax's difficulty with being called their king.
Overall good chapter, feels nice and fluid, effectively glued together. Sometimes it feels like you're still finding your pace with the dialogue but it's clear you have a set goal in mind, so congrats on a good first chapter!
9989994
Thank you! Both for reading and for the tips!
"Twilight listened with occasional nod." Near the top. Should be 'an occasional' or 'the occasional.'
This is the kind of adorkable Twilight I know, though I'd think about removing 'kind of,' because it flows better.
Yeah that's definitely the Twilight we know and love.
Try 'all of a sudden!' It sounds cleaner. I'd also recommend making this paragraph end on an italicized thud just for greater impact. Onomatopoeia is your friend.
"who is more qualified of being our" Try 'to be our' and see if it flows better to you.
Try to describe the unease. It's a really important part of his growth so I think it'd help to go into detail about how unease makes his body respond. If that makes sense.
I like Thorax's explanation of wanting to be the big brother instead of a king. Really fits him.
Try using 'trot all over your wishes' rather than 'walk.' Has more impact and feels more pony.
I like this description and reaction a lot.
I think there should also be something in here about Twilight tentatively trying to get him to let go of his attachment to Chrysalis, either by Ocellus reminding him of how power hungry she was, and how she never sought to integrate with ponies even though Thorax proved they could, etc.
Hmm... seems like Thorax is slowly realizing that anyway. To some degree at least.
"He broke the silence with a sigh, releasing all of his worries through that one, big breath—for now—and stood." I like this description. Tbh though I don't think most people would break down and accept such a position they've been so vehemently against that easily. I think for most people it requires getting over their hang ups of why they don't want the position in the first place, whether it's because something about their past tells them they aren't fit for the job or because they're deathly afraid of becoming corrupt with power like the one who came before them.
Most of the people I've known who have had confidence issues, including myself, normally need to go to the heart of the matter for why they feel the way they do. An issue set deep enough that causes a visceral reaction like feeling uneasy is, while not for everyone, not a simple thing to get over. I feel like this could maybe be a little more drawn out, but I'm not sure. He's not my Thorax, and you probably see him differently than I do.
Things like this also aren't often on/off switches. Most people who have issues like this tend to have regressions now and then where they doubt themselves and have to repeatedly affirm themselves. Again, it's your story and your characters.
D'aww that's cute. An old changeling lullaby. I'm tempted to use that idea myself. I have a couple ideas from some roleplays I want to use as well, that I might use in the final chapter of my sequel.
For a little more variety I'd consider changing the end of the previous paragraph to 'voice behind him' and changing 'said' to 'called.'
While this does answer one of my previous questions, I think it's important to recall that Thorax left Chrysalis' hive of his own volition originally. There had to have been a reason he did that.
I like this introspection a lot.
I really like your characterization of Silverstream and her interactions with Ocellus.
Looking forward to the chapter about Pharynx. Overall another good chapter. It felt like you were falling into the swing of things more near the end, because it seemed like you were using more detail for the expressions and gestures during it. Seems like you're hitting a stride, keep it up!
9990042
Some really good advice right here, thank you!
9990065
Np!
Congrats on getting featured
If “King” bothers Thorax so much, he could always take a lower or different title, one that doesn’t imply that he’s inherently better. Baron is a very low noble rank, for example. There’s always people above barons. Or he could go outside of ranks of nobility and pick something like First Citizen or Leader.
(“Leader” probably has some bad associations with readers since that’s what Fuhrer literally translates to, but then again the head of government in Ireland is called the Taoiseach, which is also just Irish for “leader”).
9990814
It's titles in general that bother him. 'King' more than others, yes, because of the changelings' history with their Queen, but I find 'Leader' to be a very neutral and good title, personally. And I've never had anyone I talked to about it bring up the German translation, 'Führer', which might be because even non-Germans usually go for straight up 'Fuhrer'. Still, thank you for the comment, it made me think.
Well that escalated quickly.
9991469
Changelings never grow up~!
I agree with other comments that say this feels right out of the show, I think Thorax's characterization in particular is spot on. He's one of my fav characters in the series despite unfortunately having less screen-time compared to the others, so a fic like this is basically all I want from one that stars him
9991834
Thank you. I'm happy to hear such a comment about my own interpretation of canon Thorax.
You know that actually reminds me of the job I had when I did volunteer work at the library for a class in high school.
Like an average abusive parent? Still this is telling. I mean I'm all for evil Chrysalis but there's gotta be some reasoning for it. Why do all this? Shrug
Again how is she cold-hearted? The show doesn't tell us and tbh we've never seen what exactly made Queen Chrysalis evil TO THE CHANGELINGS. I mean they followed her without any regret.
Oh Thorax that's not so simple. This is quite sad.
Btw why not just adopt the Prince title Thorax? To show your allegiance to the Princesses?
9992211
The Prince title is still a royal title. Thorax doesn't really want to be seen as royalty. In fact, he'd happily go without any kind of title.
The show does tell us how she is cold-hearted but it doesn't tell us why. I plan on covering that in another story in the future if you care for it because I have a lot of ideas for the 'why'.
I've always though Chrysalis was more angry that Thorax betrayed her than just a random changeling because not all members of the swarm came from her own eggs. Thorax and Phyrax how ever where her own children. Even evil creatures can feel love, especially one that feeds on it. So Chrysalis was torn, she loved Thorax but that feeling went against her philosophy, the toys represent the emotions she refused to accept.
Typo in "give he group" at the very top.
I imagined this as a shriek.
"hooves about excited again." Try using 'excitedly.'
It genuinely bothers me the black changelings are naturally seen as 'evil' even though Thorax proved they didn't have to be that way by living in the Crystal Empire as he was for so long.
I really like this. It makes a lot of sense.
I REALLY like this introspection.
I guuuuuuuuess. If Thorax can do it, she can do it.
You're getting better with more natural, less objective based dialogue. Banter. W/e you wanna call it. At least imo. I have a problem with this sometimes, but now and then I find myself creating dialogue more naturally.
He's a cat in a box. Obviously.
I've not decided yet if I want the changelings in my story to have pony captives that they siphon love from or that they just share love amidst the hive that they bring back from the field. I'm thinking about doing both.
Interesting bit of lore, I like it.
Simple. Apt.
I look forward to Thorax learning this isn't true. Respect for power can come in many forms. Such as admiration. It doesn't have to come out as fear.
Probably change 'come' to 'came?' Also nice detail on the pillow. I can't be sure what Chrysalis was using for, so nice and subtle.
Very fun and exciting banter between Thorax and Pharynx. I wasn't sure at first but I think they might be my favorite characterizations.
I would recommend for a flashback, as that seems to be what you've set up for using the page break symbol, to actually detail it like it's happening in front of the audience, rather than someone explaining it. I have moments in my story where I have flashbacks, and other moments where I have someone actually tell a story like this. Mixes things up a bit.
I think just 'pet' will work here.
That explains it. I kinda love this scene between Chrysalis and Thorax.
This and Thorax's remembering something he forgot made me laugh.
Overall great chapter. Dialogue's becoming far more fluid, only a couple errors, and some great characterization even if I don't agree with all of it. Good job.
9992994
A quick google search revealed that the simply past form of 'pet' is still 'petted', even if some people use 'pet' instead.
Again, thank you very much for the detailed feedback!
9992242
The show tells us how she is evil to them? The only thing it says is that she enforces her way of gathering love. The thing is that the changelings up until thorax dont disagree which doesn't explain much.
9992691
I always had the theory that Thorax’s flashbacks to the hatching showed the entirety of what became the hive. I felt that Chrysalis took the eggs to raise as her army and disposed of the earlier generation so that her words would be taken as law without another authority figure to talk too.
10005951
That's an interesting theory!
That was a nice ending. I like to think my input helped you. Nice.
10006407
I am very happy you enjoyed it. And all constructive input is helpful.
10005965
She was a power hungry sociopath. I wouldn't put it past her.
10006572
That is very true. In my interpretation Chrysalis was the first changeling and mother of all, but your idea makes sense as well.
Hm
10006491
For a first fic I have no complaints. And this is not some downplayed compliment. I genuinely think you made an ok story even if you it was your first attempt and would say the same thing even if it wasn't.
I'll be honest I've been used to "larger scope" fics per say. Nothing too crazy happened and yet something impactful for the character did. I'll be honest I saw no grammar issues, or stuff like that. I also saw no other problems that I can think of.
It was a slice of life fic and it achieved that feeling. Well done my friend.
I also might say this does leave potential for sequels but you shouldn't rush into that idea.
10006772
Thanks a lot, sweetling~!
10006664
Yes.
10006583
Really? Well, I never really thought of her as that much older than Twilight’s mother, and the logistics of genetics convinced me she wasn’t the literal mother. I’d rather not have the baby changing Pharynx was scaring to be the result of incest.
Wouldn’t be surprised if she instituted that idea as a myth, though. Not just Queen, but the model of how a “proper changeling” should act.
Hey after giving it some thought, mulling it over, and listening to your intent behind it I think this was a pretty good chapter overall. I may not like Thorax much but it makes sense for his character and you did a REALLY good job making him an awkward mess.
Never been much a fan of Thorax, but this story surely gives his character a lot more depth. Especially the ending was rather wholesome, I'd say.
10007731
Thanks, sweet-bug! I'm happy you liked it.
10007688
Your critique was fair, perhaps a bit subjective, but I still appreciated it, especially that you pointed out my typos.
I think the only real 'problem' I have with this story is how it seemed like Thorax never gave much consideration to the idea of the hive wanting a king until the fight over the vases. It gave the story a feeling of, 'I've barely given any thought to this problem and now I desperately need an answer', and it feels like it would have been better approached from the angle of, 'This problem has been weighing on my mind for a while now, things are coming to a head, and now I need help'. It played out perfectly fine in a narrative sense, but it couldn't quite kill the nagging feeling in my mind of, 'Why is this only being brought up now?'
It also feels like the scene with Chrysalis and the advice she gave young Thorax, specifically this quote here...
...was setting up for a callback of some kind, since Thorax now has an 'army' of his own, which Ocellus helpfully pointed out in the final scene.
There were some other small points in the story that puzzled me by their inclusion (mostly Silverstream's cameo) but it was a nice think piece all the same. Thorax's character of being the well-meaning but somewhat fumbling nice guy came across really well in the way he broke up conflicts and fumbled his inauguration speech, and his character and actions are the most important part of this story when it comes right down to it.
Overall a pleasant read.
10008174
Thanks!
A cute little slice of hive life. I love it!
Also, long live King Moosebug!
Nice little story.
I also find it amusing how Thorax is not effectively the changelings' Beloved Leader.
More please
Simple but fun.
emergency meeting
yea thats sus