Foalsitting Feather Bangs

A teenage Princess Cadence has been doing a lot of foalsitting services thanks to her Aunt Celestia. The next job is to foalsit an infant foal named Feather Bangs. It was going to be an easy job for Cadence as little Feather Bangs gets extremely fond of the young princess.

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EverfreePony

EverfreePony #1 · Dec 15th, 2019 · 3 · ·

Well, this is a fairly nice idea, though I’m afraid it needs two things to truly shine. First, there is no conflict. I don’t necessarily mean drama, this is just the general term used to describe the driving force that every story should have. Just something that gives the plot a direction and keeps the reader interested.

Second, I believe you are not a native English speaker. There is a lot of typos, misused prepositions, mixed up tenses, and plural forms of nouns used where singular should be. Also some rough and unnatural syntax here and there, as well as a very frequent repetition of words. Besides that I took
note of incorrectly used punctuation within direct speech, but that’s something even native speakers struggle with.

Also, watch out for just stating (‘telling’) that certain events happened. You should ‘show’ them instead—let the reader experience them to the tiniest of details along with the characters.

Er, yeah... I apologize for rambling on like that. In short, what I was trying to say is that to make this a great story, you need two things. First, liven up the plot with something interesting and possibly unexpected that will put Cadance’s foalsitting skills to the test. Second, try to look for someone who can help you tackle the issues I have mentioned above. Also, let me know if you have any additional questions, I’ll gladly try to answer them