V - Old Love on New Matters
~ V ~
An Old Love on New Lovely Matters
Strikes of thunder across the darkened clouds were the only illumination to the narrow lane before me. Ponies I passed gazed up from my hip. Some knew I was sick. Others worried why I was ill. I'd be an attraction if this kept up... or a case for someone to call the guards.
So I slipped into the alleys nestled between the towering buildings, alone and suffocating in the tightness, shambling with my shakey claws spreading across the slick walls for support. Of course the downpour had to be cold. Everyone with an umbrella except me. The sickness felt good. Punishment for guilt.
Going through pain, even self-imposed, makes previous crimes hurt less.
But all of that stopped as my body kept smacking right into the building. Something was familiar about it. Even though no light came from the grey clouds, something about the structure still stood out. My rumbles against its side must have roused the pony inside.
At least when they came out... it was a pony who, anytime before this, would have made me frown.
“Now who is going out in the middle of the night and... S-Spike?” Having been gazing at my feet against the stone ground below, I barely lifted my head against the swirling weight of drowsiness. A perfect mare of white stood on the exit of the alley. “Darling, is that you? So it is so! Come, dear. Inside now.”
I smiled tiredly. “T-Thank you, Rarity.”
“That is something you can do after you've explained yourself.” Rarity could have stepped to the side and let me through. But that wasn't like her—at least not anymore. She came forward, bearing an umbrella. Her magic held it above my head. “And where is your jacket or other kinds of an article? Don't you dare lie to me with excuses.”
It was terrible of me to feel comforted when the chilling droplets of rain stopped pelting against my scales. The cool slickness stuck to my scales, reminding me of their feel. I could have taken more. My life could be composed of feeling that horribly. But I felt so much better, refreshed, when the rain finally stopped.
Not because out of my own will, of which I would have used to endure the night.
But because it was the kindness of a friend that deemed I should be saved. I couldn't reject her offer. It was the only way I would allow myself to be helped. It... was all so funny. Funny, all things considering.
“And before we go inside, dear? I must ask of single favour.”
“Anything.”
“Please shake yourself dry before entering the door.”
“You'll never let that down.”
“I hang that mucked frame for a reason, darling.”
And so we passed into the home of my former love, suddenly and so late, any other context I would have felt lucky. Actually, I shook my head. I was now fortunate to have her, here and now, despite everything that came before.
I was already spilling my guts before I entered the door. My sickness was much like vomit: it came out, on its own, violently and ongoing. Only by getting it out of my mouth could my body become healthy again.
I just hoped the same would be true of my mind... and my heart.
~ Twilight ~
The dance was meant for me... and... yet... I didn't belong.
Ponies were dancing. Couples and the kind. Happy faces and talking muzzles. Everypony seemed to get along. There was a purpose to them being here. Even though all of this was devised to me, I sat at the table away from it all, alone with my cheek on a hoof, wanting to go home.
Spike...
He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to meet me after the speech and whisper nothing but good things into my ear. But he wasn't on the stage and he wasn't off it either. For all the ponies that came here for me... why did I feel so terribly alone?
Was this what he thought? That having all these other ponies here changed me into something different? Why couldn't he see I was still the same mare beneath it all? My friends got me. But never as much as him. He was my best friend. He was supposed to be my...
“I see your date went well.”
I whipped my head behind me. Starlight stood to the right of my seat, smiling. Black streaks coursed from her eyes. Ruined eyeliner? But the mare hardly touched make-up. Why would she be like this now? “Starlight? Why are you here... and were you crying?”
“Crying? Please.” Starlight wiped the black cover with a foreleg, leaving no trace of her sadness. “Superior mares never cry. But shedding a few tears to get what they want...”
“Get what you want? Spike?” I blinked as everything clicked. “T-The date. Y-You saw?”
“Saw and wept.” Starlight smirked as she strode to the front of the table. “Wept as he saw me.” Starlight shook her head while clicking her teeth. “The poor boy looked so happy once he left you. Made me worry for a second that I'd truly lost. To be honest with you, I think it was quickly putting the stuff on near my eyes that made me cry.”
I blinked. I exhaled. I subtly raged within. “Y-You... you manipulated him?”
“Like I was left with many choices!” Starlight swung around at once without a sway to her rump. Noticing those details drove me with hate. Her taut little body beating my pudge. Why did I see those things through the eyes of a boy? “Spike and I had decent chemistry and you know it. But when you pull the lifetime experience card—“
“It's not some card!” I barely kept the shout down as I rose from my chair, a hoof slammed into the table, using it to lift me into the air. “I wasn't out there to win! Unlike you, all the things we did, all the things we said... all of them were true!”
“And what makes you think the same isn't true with me?” Starlight shot back upon stepping closer to the table. My heart burned with boiling lava intensifying my rage. I'd never been so close to hitting a mare before. “Do you think I don't love him? That I don't hate what you have? I would have loved to know him when I was younger—because the boy I grew up with was so great!”
I narrowed my gaze. “What are you saying?”
“That all you got is having grown up with him,” Starlight said with painful sincerity. “From what I hear... you weren't the best friend to have around. Orders and overwork. Barking commands but never whispering compliments into his ear?”
I gritted my teeth to keep my horn from glowing.
“If we had been the ones to grow up together,” Starlight said with an expression both smug and hiding pain. It killed me to know the show she was putting on. But... empathy wasn't my friend today. “He wouldn't have grown up feeling so useless in the world... and I wouldn't have become what I did.” She shook her head. “We would have saved each other. I can still save him. But the undermare sometimes has to play tricks—but don't think the intent isn't honest.”
Starlight stood proud... despite the trembling in her legs... the same true of my own... both of us standing before the other. “So, Twilight. What do you say to all of that? Your dragon left you. And if he gets enough time to think. He's going to leave you for good—leave you for the mare that'll open his world rather than limit it to home.”
And suddenly, I became aware of the weight and power of the tiara resting on my head.
~ Spike ~
“That's the whole story.” I laid back on her couch despite my legs trailing off its end—but at least my feet pressed firmly into the ground. An arm rested over my eyes, allowing the world to be vague with my eyes still open. “Can't say I was expecting it. Or deserving of it. After... us, I expected nothing at all.”
“My...” Rarity kept quiet during my rambles. Did zone out part ways through? I wouldn't blame her for it. “Now isn't this an interesting revelation. My Spikey-Wikey is now a hot commodity on the mare market.” She giggled into her hoof. “Oh, do excuse me on that. It's rather comical, in a way.”
“Story of my life.”
“Not quite in that way, Spikey.” Rarity blew a heavy breath strained by laughter. “It's always been a joke of yours to be a sellout in terms of romance. Though that's never quite been what you're about, correct?”
I shook my head underneath the weight of my claw, feeling the velvet of the cushion rubbing against the back of my head. “The idea always seemed neat... but you're right. That's never been quite me. Just a thing a guys says and jokes about, ya know?”
“Perhaps I know that better than any other mare, darling.” Rarity cleared her through with a trio of beautiful hums. “Though you've finally arrived in the state that most stallions would admire... you have no taste for it whatsoever.”
“I like pineapple on pizza,” I said, chuckling. “Don't think my taste amounts for much.”
“Do you mind playing the fool another time, Spikey?” Rarity said with a huff. She shifted in place, causing me to dial it down. “You nearly fainted on my door out of love-sickness. Do you realize how much it hurts a friend's heart to see such a sight?”
I blinked. “G-Guess I've been a little too focused on myself. Sorry about that, Rares.”
“Thank goodness for that.” The swishing of her hoof cut through the air. “And here I was worried you'd be sorry for yourself the rest of the evening.”
“You're not holding back any punches.”
“A lady confesses the truth when it is proper to do so,” the pitch of her voice implied her chin was lifted up. The things you noticed after a decade together. “And tells a lie the same. I could tell you the latter to make you feel better.”
“But?”
“The former would actually make you better.”
My claw finally slid from my face. The distant ceiling swam back into focus. Turning my head, I gazed from the couch, seeing the table and then the chair on the other side. The white mare sat upon it, a glass of wine floating by her side, the blue of her eyes... calming.
Her beauty saving me rather than entrancing me.
“You do know that I love you, darling, even if it's not the way you've always desired?”
I lazily smiled at her. “Of course I do.” Then nodded. “And I love you too. You've kinda become my best friend as of late. At least, in the way Twilight used to be.” I chuckled. “Can't exactly go back to being that way with her now. At least, not considering what happened tonight.”
“And you do the same to me, darling.” Rarity's eyes glanced over the rim of her glass, narrowing. “I can't pretend to be an expert on the matters of love, my darling. But there is a theme here I couldn't help but notice.”
“What's that?” I said while rolling my head back. “That I'm the greatest jerk to have ever lived? That I so greedy as to want to be with two separate mares? How I can't choose one over the other?”
“You assume this to be the workings of your greed?”
“Pretty in character if you ask me.”
Rarity went to say something but stopped to blow some air. Something had affected her. Did I say something wrong? I glanced over to see her drinking from her glass. Within a few sips, the emptiness shone within the dim lighting.
“Darling? Listen to me.” Rarity set her glass on the table, looking at me, right in the eyes from over the rim. Fixated and concentrated. Determined in something fierce. Losing myself to her gaze, all my jokes and bluffs burned from her craze. “And listen close. If you so wished it, I could go and compose a series of reasons for why you are so wonderfully wonderful.”
I gulped.
“But the truth of the matter, darling, is that lifting you up will only make you feel worse.” Rarity exhaled without taking her eyes off from me. “I can't say much on the matter of loving more than one pony at once. But do not dare delude yourself into thinking it has anything to do with greed.”
I squinted my eyes. “But... a-all of this is because of my greed.”
“You boy.” Rarity smiled. Eyes sad and lips wobbly, though, despite this, the rest of her body seemed happy. “You silly little boy. In all that you have spoken of these mares, of what you love so much about them both, of all that you wish to make them feel, all that which you crave to do with them... not once have you spoken once of yourself.”
I blinked. “I... don't follow.”
“Of course you wouldn't. Love makes us all into filly colts and mares—and the same would appear true for dragons as well.” Rarity leaned back into her seat, smiling fully now, rubbing her forearm with another hoof. “If you were truly the greedy creature you claim to be, does it not make sense for you to be speaking the vices of all this instead?”
I coughed. “Of myself?”
“Exactly that.” Rarity nodded. “You have barely spoken of what these mares do for you. Of how they make you feel. They aren't bloating your ego or serving any other purpose that is ill. Despite the.... strangeness of your situation, all of your talks have been about love, of completing each other, of all that you love of them—and nearly nothing about yourself.”
I chuckled with an empty chest. “And so that keeps me from not being a jerk?”
“That's never been the case of my point, Spikey.” Rarity waggled her hoof in the air. “And you would do well to pay better attention! A greedy creature would only desire to be loved.” She lowered the hoof to the seat. “But you? Your problem hasn't been getting more love, but rather, giving more it.”
She giggled at the end of her words. “So darling. If you must consider yourself greedy—at least do so in the proper terms.” She sighed long and hard as if wistfully taken away. “With a heart so big and neglected for so long, is it truly such a surprise you are simply brimming with love to share?”
I blinked. Slowly, I sat up, easily and quickly, despite being on the verge of vomit moments earlier. My mental fog cleared away; the queasiness sloshing beneath my scales replaced with the freshness that comes after a long shower.
Clean.
I felt clean.
“And... what do you think I should do we these two mares?”
“That's not an answer for me to give, darling.” Rarity looked over her shoulder and out the window. She wasn't looking at anything, but gazing away, happily. “The words of a friend can only take you so far. Hopefully, though, you're feeling better about all of this than before you came in.”
I smiled at her—even if it was only caught in the corner of her eyes. “You have magic not even Twilight possess.”
Rarity smiled. And she did so while turning back to look at me. “You're a good dragon, my Spikey, who just so happened to get a little lost.” She stepped down from the chair and approached the side of the table. “But you've always had a good head on you as it t'were. You're more than wise enough to learn from your mistakes.”
I chuckled while standing up. “Wise enough to make the right choice here?”
“Another answer that this mare cannot say.” Rarity craned her head back as I came stepped before her. Lowering onto my knee, I brought my muzzle inches away from hers. “But I have faith in my dragon. And that... I'm sorry to have kept you away from so many mares for such a long time.”
I shook my head before throwing my arms around her, pulling her against my chest, the form of the mare, the shape of a friend, a different kind of comfort to my confused heart. Even though nothing made sense... being close to her caused me to feel okay despite it all.
“You allowed me to love you even though you didn't feel the same way...” I laughed into her neck, which I nuzzled for a second. “No wonder why I started going crazy when we saw each other less and less. I guess, in the end, I need others to latch onto.”
She laughed and nuzzled me back. “Don't you worry about that, Spike, for most of us are the same in that.”
~ Twilight ~
The door was thrown open before my mouth could do much of the same. Our muzzle had been pressing and our eyes blazing while our hearts were cut beneath our coats. It took everything to not cry.
The building of tears burned to keep back. I hated how I couldn't be weak. That I would like to keep strong a little longer all to not give Starlight the satisfaction. Where was Spike? Why wasn't he here? Why wasn't I swept up in his arms, protected and hidden, crying into his chest?
I was so weak.
And I made even weaker the stronger I had to pretend to be.
“T-There!” Starlight and I slowly drew our eyes right, keeping our muzzles pressed, gazing at the intruder. Spike had burst in through the doors, hunched forward, panting. He tried lifting his head to see us, struggling, and doing that even more to give us a smile. “There you girls are! I... I've been... r-running through this castle and—oh I forget how big this place is.”
My eye twitched. Banishing Spike the moon became a sudden idea.
“T-Twilight, I... I'm so, so so so sorry for missing your speech.” Spike leaned back, further than he should, fighting to keep himself outright. Even in important times he was beyond comical. I hated the fact I wanted to laugh so hard. He tickled me in special ways when I should have felt nothing but anger. I hated how much I loved him. “I got messed up. Really messed up. The kind where I do things that I normally could.”
He stepped forward but swayed to the left on doing so—slamming himself into the side of the open door. Both of his claws gripped it as he leaned into it totally for support. His legs wobbled like never before. “But still. I-I broke my promise.”
I also hated the shine of his eyes. “I'm sorry, Twilight.”
I opened my mouth to speak—only for another mare to do so for me. “Don't you go worrying about that, Spike.” Both of us glanced at the voice, Starlight having pulled away, standing proudly before us. Each covering a point in a triangle. My mind always noticing trivial things. “We both owe you saying the same.”
Starlight smirked at me. “Isn't that right, Twilight?”
I tugged my bottom lip into my maw, biting gently upon it.
Spike only gazed at us both in confusion.
“It would appear you found out that both of us have fallen in love with you over the years... though one of us was more scared to act on it than the other.” Starlight smiled as she strode toward him—but only a few steps. “We both very well knew we couldn't just take you from the other. None of us were going to give up. So we devised a little game.”
Spike then blinked. “G-Game? Y-You mean... all of this was a game to you?”
“Only one to see who would be the better mare for you.” Starlight turned sideways to us both. “The best way for us to settle our differences on the matter. You've got to experience what life would be like with one of us on your side.” She cleared her throat—a scratchiness barely audible. “There's only one way to select a winner.”
My chest vacuumed into hollowness while a burning spear pressed across the bottom of my belly. I'd never felt so weak, so sick, ready to puke and faint and never wake back up. To be so close to love only to have it turned killed my little by little.
My crown shifted as I stepped forward next to my rival, the weight of my princesshood making me feel real, something else than the vulnerable mare waiting to be chosen by the dragon she loved most. Spike gazed at us with those bright and confused green eyes of his. He seemed as hopeless as me.
And looking to my left, I saw easily through the mask of my friend, of Starlight eyes being slightly watery. All of us inhaled deeply, attempting strength. But it was all down to what my dragon, our dragon, the dragon would say.
“I... want you both.”
What... did he just say? I was already blinking when I snapped back to the room. Did he really just say that? Heat billowed beneath my coat as steam escaped with my exhale. Spike. My dragon. The one I had something special with. The only guy I wanted to spend my life with...
He wasn't satisfied with me alone.
“E-Excuse me?” I turned to my left to see Starlight equally aghast. “What did you just say?”
“That I want to be with you both,” Spike said while taking a step forward, coming to hold out his arms, opening himself up. It was a desperate move that I stepped away from, the burning touch of tears licking the corners of my eyes. “This isn't some game to me! I've been trying to figure out for these last few weeks which mare I loved more... and I can't answer it.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “You mean you can't decide?”
“It's because it's a question that shouldn't have been asked in the first place!” Spike swiped a claw through the air and took a stand out of response. “How do you think it feels to be so totally in love with you both? Trying to pit those loves against the other to see which one is more real, which one means more... do you know how much I hated myself during that? All that thinking. All that feeling. Being unable to stop loving one of you.”
Starlight chortled. “You should know better by now that some things aren't equal. Didn't I already teach you all that lesson?”
“In this case... it's true.” Spike's breathing was packed with his tension, heard in the strain of the air. He placed a claw on his chest, keeping it there, dipping his head. “I feel different things toward you two. Great and wonderful things. They're not better or worse... the loves are just different.”
Tears raced from his eyes and down his cheeks, but he kept still, bearing them the best he could. My chest puffed and my fluff did the same as a splatter of droplets followed in suit. But my head was shaking. I simply couldn't see his words through the welling of my tears.
“I can't make a choice between you two.” Spike's arms dropped to his sides. His eyes closed, head lowering all the way. “And if I have to make a choice—then I'd rather not decide. W-Whatever you mares do... you do.”
I couldn't handle it.
I simply couldn't handle it.
Everything was made and then broken in a night. It only a few hours Spike had finally been mine. We'd kissed and snuggled and promised to always be together. The horrible isolation I felt at home, living with others but still feeling alone, we'd spoken of that being no more.
To have that future come into being.
Only to be crushed by Spike's absence.
Stomped by Starlight's acts.
And corrupted by his sudden greed.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I simply couldn't take it.
“G-Guards!” My shaky hoof rose to the top of my head, pushing back on the tiara moved out of place. When the stallions in gold arrived, it sat perfectly on my head. “B-By order of Princess Twilight Sparkle... I-I demand these two be taken out of the castle at once.”
Spike blinked open. His face raised and, with one glance at me, went from lost to horrified. He saw it. My anger and disappointment at him. He saw nothing beyond my face beyond that which terrified him the most. That of a mare turned into a princess.
“N-No... p-please...” Spike's head slowly swayed as his voice crackled in pain. “...T-Twilight... p-please... don't do this.” His tears coursed freely, salty, the hurt causing me to be happy—in the worst way possible. What he'd inflicted on me now done to him. All because he confessed what would hurt him the most. “Please don't send me away. I'll do anything. But please... please don't send me away...”
“Ensure they are taken to the front of the castle and inform the rest of the staff they are not to be allowed back in.” I turned around to avoid looking at my friends, my wings flaring out, my back struck out, assuming a posture of power to hide beneath. “The matters are private. Princess Celestia and Luna will be notified of them. Dismissed.”
I didn't hear a fight or a cry or anything of the kind. Stomping hooves of metal clattered across the floor, those made to answer my calls doing as I commanded. Though it took a few seconds, my ears flicked, waiting for it... hearing the bare steps of my dragon.
The steps turning, a power flooding through me, something strong and solid and flowing, allowing me confidence. But upon hearing those steps grow distant and softer, further and quieter... the power slowly faded.
I'd escorted the one who didn't answer my call, who had a choice in the matter, who was my greatest friend of all. But I simply couldn't do it. Even as the door closed behind me and the trees came freely once again... my body collapsed onto the floor, curling into itself, the crown slipping from my head, clattering against the storey.
I took it against my chest, holding it there, caressing the cold metal softly, weeping, knowing it was now all that I had. Where friends could be there and not there. When loves were not met to be. The act of being a princess, the power and the work would be enough to sustain the hollow mare beneath the crown.
But, for now, I cried freely.
The princess without her hero.
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Damn! Drama bomb!!!
Hoping for the next chapter real soon!
And you just fucked up twi.
Twi you heartless bitch.
Wow, that was rough!
Can't wait to see what happens next!
I relate to Spike too much. Nearly has me crying.
Auch! It's hurt!