• Member Since 2nd Sep, 2019
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Uni-Fi


I've been a fan of My Little Pony, longer then I have been on FIMFiction!

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A killer cyber pony wants everyone to see what it’s like for her living in the internet...all alone...and sad. But not EVEYPONY has access to the internet. And here they all are.

Derpy: Because she just ‘ain’t interested.

Lyra: Because she never had a computer to begin with.

Bon Bon: ‘Cause her Wi-Fi is broken for the day.

So these ponies are gonna try to save Kelty and their friends!

(This story is not completed, but I marked it as completed since I have no more ideas for it.)

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 8 )

So funny and so tragic, that ponies could not see.

That devils only play when they're free...

This is silly fun, I can dig it.

Also the cover art is very eye catching.

I’m sitting on the edge of my seat

omg its like cupcakes fafteramth had a story agian

How is everyone enjoying the story so far?:twilightsmile:

Edit: I cancelled the story ‘cause I did not have any more ideas.

Marry Christmas.:heart:

You spelled their wrong in the description. You said there.

Now, this has been quite an interesting read with a good idea behind it. However, I’ll be brutally honest, the way it is executed needs a lot of work to make this into a good story.

First, it is good to somehow introduce your characters. I know you know how they look and who they are, but remember that the readers cannot see into your head. Even a short sentence or two about how Kelty and Glitcher look would make a difference here.

Next is the pacing of your story—the speed with which your story progresses. Pacing is closely tied to atmosphere and suspense. And suspense is something you need in a good horror story! Most often you can just raise the tension of a moment by gradually quickening the pace to a moderately fast level. However, your whole story moves too fast. The readers just whoosh through the chapters and almost don’t remember a thing because of how fast it was. Take your time describing the individual scenes, let the characters struggle a fair bit at what they saw before being taken.

Last, grammar. There is a plethora of incorrectly used punctuation, roughly worded sentences, and a load of mixed-up words such as does/dose, its/it’s, your/you’r(e), which/witch, their/there/they’re and so on. That turns away a good deal of potential readers.


I’m deeply sorry my comment has to be such a negative one, but I believe this should help you become a better author. I suggest finding someone with a very good knowledge of grammar and story mechanics and consulting the story with them. It has the potential to be a good horror tale :raritywink:
Also, reading a lot of varied fiction of high quality is key to improving your own style.

PS: If you consider the story to be kind of finished, it’s better to mark it as complete rather than cancelled. Almost nobody reads the latter because it indicates there was some problem with the story.

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