• Member Since 13th Nov, 2018
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

Ghuntz


"El piano me cayo encima..."

E

It's been twenty-five years since the so-called "Final Battle for Equestria". The three-pronged head of the villain cabal that nearly took the kingdom down, Cozy Glow, has been awake the entire time, feeling every second trapped inside a statue in her dishonor. All she wants is revenge.

Flurry Heart was only a baby during the events that led to Cozy's demise. Ever since she had the ability to read, she was perplexed by the nonsensical actions and motivations of this little filly. Why did she do what she did? Why was she punished so? The curiosity was too much.

The dusty old books in the Crystal Empire tell her nothing. But an idea creeps into her mind. What better way to find out than to ask Cozy Glow directly? What's the worst that could happen?

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 36 )

Shining placed a hoof around Flurry and gave her his shoulder. “Mistakes are mistakes, kid. We tried our best with what we had, and this is just how it ended. We just wanted them to stop coming after us. It’s no use getting all sobby for it now.” Shining put his hoof under Flurry’s chin. “Now how about going back home. I’ll make you some delicious Crystal Cruit.”

Did something? You Ponies never visited them and Discord made it all worse with not about putting them in a team but pretty much used them to get Twilight to relearn something :twilightangry2:

This show should had the real Grogar and having the evil 3 become friends

9971274
Agree and showed that friendship is becoming toxic for being in peace for so long. They mock them like their superior than them and barely know them

Why didn't AJ sound the general alarm or go to the Mayor and tell them Cozy had escaped?

This is really good.

This story is really good. I hope Flurry will catch Cozy and give her the help she needs.

This is a neat concept. Gets my seal of approval.

I'm not sure who the story is telling me to focus on. I think Flurry is the main character, and her struggle to fix her mistake, though I also want Cozy to succeed in some aspects. It's making me apprehensive, in that I don't know who to root for.

“Absolutely not, young lady.” Cadence stood up, looking down on a shaking Flurry. “You’ve done more than enough, Flurry Heart. I hate to be the villain right now, but you are to stay here in the castle until Cozy is captured.” She dropped the imperative demeanor and picked up Flurry’s chin. “I’m sorry, honey. But I can’t have you going out and looking for her when she’s probably being helped by things unknown at this point. I’d hate for anything to happen to you. Spike here will keep watch, won’t you, Spike?”

Considering the fact that Flurry is in her 20’s, Cadance can’t legally force her to do anything.

9988154
That’s what makes this interesting. It’s going to be great when all parties involved finally meet up.

Hey everyone, just know that I'm reading the comments and I love the questions and compliments! I will be answering any questions only once the story is complete, as not everything has been revealed. Anyway, it's coming along and thanks for reading!

Ah liked the part where Cozy Glow said the thing with the stuff. Very interestin!

That’s a deep way of seeing their culture. I mean Cozy sees how lazy her kind has become even with the magic of friendship, she’s wants her kind to be productive before Celestia become overprotective and see how further they can go without staying as cliques

Stupid question, but why wasn't the Bell secured in any way shape or form?

That explains why ponies barely ever go on adventures to explore out there

10026893
My assumption was based on a lot of supplementary material, like the comics. In the Reflections arc, for example, a lot of old and potentially powerful items were left dumped in the archives, and considering that it's been twenty-five years since the events of The Ending of the End, stuff gets moved around and items that were once important have left the public eye as other events and items take place. Consider that as believable as you wish.

Cozy knew Tirek before she was send to Tartarus and exchanged letters with him, right?

10032171
Duly noted, and such has been edited into the story. It ultimately changes nothing, but good catch. Thanks.

Interesting turn at the end. I might have liked to see cozy lay the flames of revolution, but it's nice to see the story take the road of redemption.:pinkiehappy:

I generally find it rude to critique someone's work unbidden, but there are two small things that do make it rather difficult to keep reading:
>Onomatopoeia being used like a sound effect, when it's clearer and easier to just indicate the noise is being made--ie

“*gasp*” the yellow foal muttered, mouth wide open

It's just as easy to say, "The yellow foal gasped, mouth wide open", plus it doesn't break immersion.
>Too much deus ex machina/"numb brain syndrome". Characters believe way too easily, and don't react like actual people. Cheese and Muffin, even as children, wouldn't blindly believe this madly fantastical story Cozy weaves; they don't know her, and she's essentially duping them about people their parents know/are friends with. Or, in the previous chapter, AJ basically doesn't react when the child who tried to kill Starlight and take over the world pops back up. She basically wags her finger (hoof?) and moves on.
Again, just friendly critique--no malice intended!

10063505
Thanks for the feedback!
Firstly, yes, I went in knowing that suspension of disbelief had to be slightly fumbled in order to get this story going. As you said, these characters (should) know each other, I simply made it so that they didn't for the story to have more of a fluid plot progression. In this case, I prioritized the character development that Cozy experiences with the kids, and decided to skip a few logical questions to get them on the adventure. Also, it sort of makes sense if you look back on certain episodes and how foals react to manipulation. One thing is to put yourself in their shoes and make the most reasonable decision, the other is to actually be that naive kid that doesn't know any better.
And as for AJ not doing anything, if you keep reading it might answer your question... ;)

Interesting how most Cozy reformation fics don't show the future. Pretty good story.

Most of the first part Flurry = written as Fully

Also i'm sorry but the final chapter and the epilogue kinda ruined the story for me, the chapters feel.. kinda like the story was running out of steam a little? Like it was rushing to the conclusion way to fast and seemed like it skipped over a few beats.

Like i honestly have no idea /why/ cozy decided to like completely 180 on her whole plan and then use the bell on herself or something? I mean yeah she felt bad cause she betrayed her minio- i mean 'friends' but it doesn't really convey what she want to accomplish. What even happened after she did so, Before the epilogue i assumed she turned herself back to stone along with the rest of the legion of doom. (which unfortunately were underutilized in the finale, sure they bickered but they do that all the time, besides if they were getting freed anyway why would they try to convince cozy to pick a side?)

I do want to say you did a good job with the rest of the story and it was enjoyable to read until chapter seven

Last two chapters were kinda iffy, but the rest was good.

The story has a good concept. It does feel a bit rushed though. Still, glad I read it.

While the end does feel a bit rushed and I didn´t like some small things like that an artifact older that the frigging elements simply "dissapeared", the idea and the overall writing was pretty good. I didn´t find a lot of errors, and nothing major, so plus for that.
https://www.digital-noises.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/seal-of-approval.jpg

Also you know the story is good when it got me thinking ´bout alternate endings.
Now i gotta deal with thoghts of 1) Cosy using the bewitching bell on Chry and Tirek, 2) using it on Twi, 3) Twi using it on Cosy, 4) Cosy keeping the Alicorn magic, and so on.

So yeah, my head about right now
http://www.thedailysheeple.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/nuclear-bomb-explosion2.jpg

As promised, here's my feedback.

What… what is this?, Cozy thought,

Don't put a comma after the thought. Treat it like a quotation.

her ears attacked with the sound of silence.

I'd put "her ears were attacked" instead.

With no sense of day and night, with no sensation, time ceased to exist.

Then time ceased to exist.

Hello, Department of Redundancy Department?

“Sorry, ma… but, what was it I was supposed to be sorry for again?”

That would be "What am I supposed to be sorry for again?" -- unless you're going for an Irish Flurry Heart, but I digress.

“You went into the Archives again? The secret wing? Remember now?”
“Oh, right! I was looking for information on Tirek, Chrysalis, and—”
“Ahem.” Shining interrupted.
“Oh. Right.”
“Why are you even interested in those two anyway?”
“I’m not.”
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“*sigh*...You know how when I was a little filly, you guys told me the story of the ‘Final Battle for Equestria’?”

First off, you've got a bad case of Talking Heads throughout this section. Animate them somehow. Second off, don't describe onomatopoeia in quotation marks. Just say that she sighed.

That wouldn’t make any sense”,

I’m the bigger pony here”,

Slip those commas inside their quotations.

A serene look and silence from Cozy.

"Serene" is an odd word to use here. Try "stubborn" instead.

Back in the past...

Oh, that's another thing I wanted to mention. Show, don't tell the setting -- this applies to both where and when.

“It just doesn’t make sense, dad... *sniff* How could they do this to a fellow pony?

See above with the onomatopoeia.

“Now how about going back home.

Put a question mark instead.

Flurry said with dramatic flair. Cozy raised a brow.

I'd put the last one in its own paragraph. Treat it as dialogue, so to say.

APPLEJACK, YOU’RE NOT LISTENING

MIGHT WANT TO PUNCTUATE THAT!

As Cozy was led by Flurry through town

Get rid of that passive voice. "As Flurry led Cozy through town. . . ."

Cozy smiled. “Of course. It’d be silly to try anything now. After all, I want to have the chance to meet Twilight again.”

I'm tempted to put some of Cozy's internal monologue here. It just fits well here.

the much delayed sleep snuffed her lights out.

That sound a bit morbid to me. Try "plunged her into darkness" instead?

“Guys!” Cozy suspended.

Try "interrupted" instead.

‘The Final Battle for Equestria’.

Book titles are italicized. 'Quote marks' are for articles in a larger publication.

“‘Grogar’s Bell: the magical object instrumental to the villain cabal in accumulating the necessary power to overthrow the Princesses.”

This threw me off for a moment. Please clarify that she's reading from the book sooner. (Oh, and close the nested quotation while you're at it.)

She’s have to use the train to get anywhere...

*She'll

“E-E-E-Enemies?! In my tra-train?”

I'm surprised Flurry Heart didn't reply with "It's more likely than you think." Probably would break immersion, but oh well.

Flurry blinked into the caboose.
POOF.

I'd put these in the same paragraph.

Flurry approached them. “Hi there! My name is Flurry Heart, what’s yours?” The two foals kicked their hooves and badly pretended not to hear her. The yellow one answered deadpan. “Brie’s my name.”

Split this paragraph right after Flurry's dialogue. Remember, you want to treat actions by other characters as dialogue.

A bulb lit up over Applebloom’s head. “That’s right!” the crusader came up to Flurry.
“Did you check under the seats?”

Flipside: put these paragraphs together.

Flurry scrunched as she sucked a tear back inside.
And with that, Flurry dashed away, leaving the others in the dust.

Same as above.

But as the morning came and settled itself at noon, the train did not arrive on time. I didn’t arrive at all, actually.

Then where are you right now?

“How much longer are we going to wait here for?” A fatigued guard whispered to another.

I wouldn't capitalize "A" right here.

She opened her massive wings and blasted onto the sky.

*into

“*gasp*—” the fingers wrapped around her face… gently?

Hands have fingers, claws have talons.

The dreary fog from the night before had disappeared, and the godrays touched everything.

"Godrays" is a slang term for volumetric light scattering, neither of which are heard outside of video game development. Put "sunrays" instead.

“Who, that weirdo Tirek?” Cheesy said.
“Him too, but I remember somepony else…”
Cozy lay silent.

It'd be good to get Cozy's internal panicking here.

Muffin gave her a stare, but then sank.
“Good point, I guess…”

Group these into one paragraph.

What in the…
“What are you two so happy about? You’re criminals now, don’t you get it?”

Same as above, and mind the talking heads.

Muffin and Cheesy glanced at each other, sheepish.

*sheepishly

Cozy looked up into the cerulean sea.

"Sea" is an odd word choice. Try "sky" instead. . . unless there's a metaphor I'm missing here.

Well… not ruining it, per say.

*per se

But this whole place is in disarray!

Be careful not to change narrative tense.

Thing is, was terrible at it!

Who was?

“Cozy… think about them… You three threw me for a loop, reached your goal… And you did it together… doesn’t that tell you anything?”
Once again, Cozy was silent.
“They left their home for you… Put themselves in danger for you… That doesn’t mean anything to you?”
Nothing.

But surely Cozy's doing something. Animate her!

“Don’t listen to her!” the goat screeched.

Actually, Tirek's a centaur, not a goat.

Cheesy hugged the downtrodden filly-no-more, “we’re glad you did, anyway.”

Make that quote its own sentence.

And that seems to be everything.

A few typos here or there but still a goof read.

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