My First Fanfiction Movie-esque Novel
This project is to show how very well-developed my own world can be developed, and how well-written my characters are based on personality, characteristics, and dialogue are presented.
This is MoonStar's Grand Adventure in terms of her meta development of my own mini-series, originally done on Equestria Amino. Because of this story, this will hugely impact the lives of the many characters I will develop, create, and grow all on its own, and I want you, the fans, to just keep supporting me with your kind words and generous wishes.
OC(s) used in this fanfiction: MoonStar GalaxyChaser, Fiery Heart, and Camellia Iris
A new chapter will be live each week.
Synposis: After the loss of her kingdom to Starlight Glimmer, Thorax, Trixie, and Discord, Chrysalis vows revenge against mostly on Starlight and Thorax the very most. Years passed by, she has taken solitude in Everfree Forest, vowing the day her revenge on Starlight will soon arrive. When she failed to retrieve the Elements of Harmony by the failure of her Mane 6 clones, she rethinks on her actions, until one day, a mare from Fillydelphia/Baltimare will soon change all that for her, and a stallion from New Britaineigh embarks on a new adventure, afar from home...
The world building seems to be okay but, as much as I hate to say it, your narrative seems to be somewhat on the dry side, mainly consisting of this happened then that happened interspersed with bits of exposition here and there. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to improve that - I'm not a writer myself - but it might be worth pinging someone more experienced for advice. God knows there's quite a few people on FimFiction willing to lend a hand.
A few concrete, easier to fix bits might be that your tenses sometimes switch between past and present, and I might recommend changing MoonStar's capitalization to Moonstar or Moon Star - a capital letter in the middle of a name can be a bit jarring when reading.
I hope I don't sound discouraging - starting out at anything can be a bit rough going, but the story itself has promise so I hope you keep at it.
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Allow me to explain a bit on the name of my OC. I actually wrote the name to be exactly that. MoonStar is actually meant to be one whole name, and not two separate ones. So, if you make it as Moonstar or Moon Star, it is simply more confusing since that is how I made my OC in the first place. The same thing if you mentioned her last name, GalaxyChaser. So, if you can see the separation of her name: Moonstar Galaxychaser, or Moon Star Galaxy Chaser, it isn't that fitting to me at all. It's kinda like the equivalent of saying McIntosh or MacIntosh, just an example. Second, I know the writing in itself is very dry, at first, but it gets a bit better later on; the story was written last year, so I plan to make it more fluid and interesting, thanks to having to download Grammarly. For the tenses, it is still a struggle for me to keep in either past or present, so I am doing my best to keep it mostly in the present, and also not trying to alternate between 1st person narrative and 3rd person narrative. I plan to stick more to 3rd person for action sequences, and 1st person for dialogue sequences. It would really help me out a lot if I can find an editor that is willing to stay with me and proofread my work before publication. I had around 3-4 editors to help me with this story, but all abandon me to do their own work, and I don't blame them at all. Thank you for your constructive criticism, and hope to make these changes effective in the near future.