PonyFinder: Friendship is Evil

by No one is home

Causality

“Wow, that’s the third accusation of treason this week.” Lily scrunched her little pink snout. “Is it me or is a little weird that we’re getting chased around for crimes we committed in the way off future, instead of the crimes we’ve totally committed right here in ancient Villjatowne?”

“Actually from their perspective this is modern Villjatowne,” Iam pointed out with a kind smile, before scowling, “But yeah, that’s weird. Not as weird as you putting your mane in pig-tails, and changing out to an even shorter plaid skirt… but weird.”

“Well, I thought about what you said, and I wanna try to project a more mature appearance.” Lily smiled and nodded to herself.

“I…” Whatser face cocked her head to the side and suddenly stopped for an exceptionally awkward pause. “No. I will not even.”

“Honestly, I never figured that one time I used time anomalies to stop a genocidal war would be the thing I was hunted down for.” The cyan stallion complained.

“I agree.” Whatserface nodded. “I always suspected it would be for the circus themed prostitution rings.”

“Funny,” Lily said while rubbing her chin with an absent minded hoof, “I always figured it would have been all those years you spent selling drugs disguised as a priestess of Luminance…”

“I know? Right?” Iam fumed. “It’s like karma just fell asleep at the wheel, and now I’m getting railroaded for that one thing I did right.”

“So the rumors were true.” A stallions deep voice rose from behind the trio. “Rasberry Pastel, I wouldn’t think you’d have the gal to return to Villatowne after what you did, traitor!”

“Gods in hell!” Lilly proclaimed with a squee, “It’s Steele Prism! The absolute hottest of the eternal champions of everglow! Can I have your autograph? Can I stab you to see where you’ll turn up in history next time?!?! I’ve always wanted to do that!”

“Oh gods of fuck!” Iam snapped angrily before shouting at the sky. “A champion of Everglow? I’m a petty criminal at worst!”

“There were more than two circus themed prostitution rings.” Whatseface commented drily.

“Okay! I’m getting a little sick of the unmitigated Krava-shit!” Iam Snarled.

“Hey!” A passing offended pony shouted. “My wife is a beautiful unicorn! Don’t make fun of her body shape… OR her extra horn!”

“I’ve never even been to Viljatown,” Iam continued to rant, ignoring the offended stallion, whose wife was CLEARLY a unicorn and not a purple bovine, “And besides that, all my betraying the Empire was in the Great War, which doesn’t even MAYBE happen in this timeline for another couple of hundred years!”

Steel Prism cocked his massive crimson head to the side in confusion at the raving mad-pony, and the small, pink, ghost pony mare nuzzled his front fetlock.

“Yeah,” Lilly crooned amidst her nuzzling, “We’re from the far off distant future of one of the big maybe-baby time-lines.”

“Wait, I see what’s going on now! It’s so obvious!” The blue degenerate grinned widely. “Steel Prism, this is all a Tempus-Time-Fuckery misunderstanding. We will come peacefully and present our case before her majesty.”

“You will?” Steel proclaimed, taken aback.

“This is unexpected,” Whatserface said flatly.

“Wut?” Lily twisted her head around as she somehow availed herself of a non-consensual pony back ride from the large red paladin who was trying to arrest them.

“Guy’s,” Iam turned to face the ungathered crowd and thrust his hoof triumphantly into the air, “I have had an epiphany. All the crimes we actually committed are in their future. All the crimes we’re wanted for are in OUR future. Technically we haven’t done anything wrong yet. We have a clean slate. All we have to do is NOT go back in time and commit high treason. We have a new chance to live our lives as good po-” He was cut off by a gurgling gasp of surprise and something wet and sticky striking the back of his head.

“Whatever you do, Charlie,” Lily meeped sheepishly, “Please don’t turn around.”

“I would also advise against turning around,” Whatserface monotoned.

“Lily,” Iam said softly as his eye twitched, “Is the wet gunk on the back of my head Steel Prism, eternal Champion of Everglow, and one of your personal idols?”

“To be fair, I DID ask him if it was okay if I stabbed him to see where he’d turn up in history next,” Lily replied quietly, “...he didn’t say ‘no’.”

“Lily, dearest… why did you murder Steel Prism, the paragon of justice and virtue throughout the history of everglow,” Iam droned in a neurotically calm voice, “just as I was talking about how we had a real chance to turn our lives around?”

“I am more curious as to how.” Whatserface stated flatly. “I was watching when it happened, and I still do not understand what I have just witnessed.”

“Both questions, same answer,” Lilly replied cheerfully, “It was funny.”

“This answers none of the questions,” was the only toneless response the scarfaced mare could manage.

“Well, this time period was a bust.” Iam sighed heavily.

“Maybe we can unwind time and unmurder Big Red Sexy… I know he’s coming back, but I feel kinda sad that I cut my mandatory-you-don’t-have-a-choice-cuddle-time short” Lily pouted as adorably as a small pony covered in blood and viscera could possibly manage.

“No, I just checked my Luminace Assistance Piece,” Iam examined a digital device attached to his foreleg, “According to the Potential Object of Relativistic Normality, it’s a fixed point in time. You are always going to murder Steel Prism at that exact moment.”

“Well obviously!” The pink ghost pony exclaimed, “I didn’t need POorn to tell me that. I was just hoping I could talk you into a few replays before we moved on.”

“We are NOT going to replay the past week just so you can edge up your ‘muder point’ score!” Iam insisted, “At least not more than twice.”

“I also had a few employment opportunities that could be explored with maybe three more retries.” Whatserface droned flatly.

“I don’t care how much fun it is!” Iam stamped a hoof angrily, “We are not unravelling space and time more than four times for our own sick amusement!”

“So we’re agreed,” Lily grinned wickedly, “After maybe five redos of the past week, we move on to another period in history?”

“Seems legit.” Iam smiled warmly as he adjusted settings on his LAP.

Author's Note:

Steel Prism, everyone, one of the Champions of Everglow. Think of them as reincarnating NCPs available to enteract with the party in pretty much any era of Ponyfinder you may be playing in.