• Member Since 29th Jan, 2013
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some of us are great writers and some are great editors but where would any of us be without a reader?

Comments ( 59 )

Moar plz.
I need to know how this story ends, my sides hurt of laughing :rainbowlaugh:

Well as long as i made at least one person laugh, I guess i can consider this a success.

In the description, you used the wrong "your"
In this case its "you're"

Also Equestria is misspelled, as is Guardponies, princess could be capitalized, and the last sentence needs a little better punctuation, such as a comma after “money”, and “if” needs to be either capitalized or put a comma before it. Good premise though :pinkiecrazy:

Twilight's mom would make an excellent Mare in the Shower.
Except she wouldn't have missed... Death by Shampoo.
Embarrassing way to die, but a great name for a Hair Metal band!
...I'll see myself out. Loving the story so far!

So far, my impression of this story is " Discworld's version of Princess Bride, crossed with an isekai anime, on drugs"
I'm TOTALLY ok with that, for the record.

Ha ha! Yes! Thank you. These are the comments I live for! I learn from every mistake you point out and it makes me a better writer.


In hindsight I probably should have looked over and edited my description before publishing this.

I'm glad your enjoying the story so far, thank you for the comment!

Oof, at least we know who's bucket got pissed in.
Poor Candy Floss

Gotta say, I'm really enjoying this so far.

Equestria's bumbling deadliest assassin is struggling to make ends meet. Until Princess Luna hires him to test Canterlots elite Gaurdponies.

Why would Luna choose him if he's so bumbling?

Because this is a comedy, and that was a joke.

11 down votes 0 complaints I can't fix it if ya don't tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Come on lay it on me I can take it

Well, the first chapter needs to be fixed due to grammar errors and such. I haven't given a dislike though.

The first chapter is pretty awful. I often consider rewriting it. Does my writing seem to improve in the later chapters?

It's... surprisingly accurate. You are the first person I saw correctly using French on this site. Congratulations.

What? Really? My French is terrible I had to do extensive research to make sure that was right, and even then i wasnt shure.

yeah.. i would read this but there are too many spelling mistakes in the first chapter.

Actual mistakes, or an exaggerated country drawl?
Some of the dialogue in the first chapter is grammatically incorrect in order to reflect a rural upbringing.

I don't expect everyone to enjoy this story, but if there are misspelled words please point them out so I can fix them.

Found a couple of someponies with missing e's and a deadpanned with only one n
But I feel like there's something I might be missing, maybe you could point it out?

It does seem to be better.

I look forward to more, if there will be

I'm no quiter I'm gonna finish this!

Better but not great. Not yet anyways, I'll need to keep practicing if I want to get better.

"Oh good, Because to tell you the truth I was a little uncomfortable about the hole idea." Luna said making a rude gesture with her hooves and winking at her sister to ease the tension in the room.

pun intended or just spelling error? :trixieshiftright:

No I didn't misspell whole, Luna made a dirty joke.

ah. Was hard to tell with all the times you used 'your' instead of 'you're' and 'to' instead of 'too'.

I'm confident he'll be more than a match for canterlot's elite guardsponys." Luna told her sister beaming with confidence

That's not saying much. My little cousins are more than a match for the royal guard.

And you enjoyed middle-aged stallions company.

Asian dude at a school desk:" Ha! GAAYY-EEEEE!"
You really need a proof-reader, bud. Spellcheck does ONLY that: check your spelling. It doesn't tell you if you're using the correct words for the sentence or if you're missing a word.

"Was hard to tell with all the times you used 'your' instead of 'you're' and 'to' instead of 'too'."

Ahh. Homonyms have always given me trouble. Thanks for pointing that out I'll be shure to look this over again and make corrections once this is complete.

Oh my, how embarrassing! your right that one missing word does makes that sentence sound pretty gay.
Fixed! Thanks for spotting that. You've got a sharp eye, I have considered finding myself a proof-reader, but I'm afraid I don't write frequently enough to keep one busy.

Just read the first chapter, and so far I'm loving this character! Nice work.

It's a problem a lot of people have, whether english is a first or second language, and no matter how long it's studied.

There are definitely mistakes, especially in the first chapter, but they get less as the story goes on.

Luna let out a long sad "sigh" as she tossed the damp pillow across her bedroom. It spun through the air and plopped ungracefully onto the floor somewhere near the foot of the bed, scarcely half of it's intended distance, Which wasn't very surprising once you consider the pillow's poor ballistic capabilities. Without looking, Luna felt around on the floor with her magic in A half hearted attempt to retrieve the discarded pillow, but she gave up after only a few failed attempts.

After letting out another long "sigh" Luna smiled A small smile, Ignatius had said that he might be chasing the wrong princess, maybe there was hope after all? Luna didn't want her sister to be lonely, and she was more than just A little ashamed to admit it, but she also wouldn't mind if Ignatius would just stop pursuing Celestia and knock on her door instead.

Suddenly there was A knock at the door. Luna, surprised by the sudden knocking fell out of bed with A dull "Thud" pulling the blankets along with her.

With A thin wisp of smoke wafting from the very tip of her horn, Celestia kicked the door open and rushed into the room, embracing her little sister in A tight hug.

"Lulu! I was so worried, you never came to dinner, and the guards said that you haven't even left your room all day" Celestia said, squeezing her sister A little too tightly.

"Ha ha... yeah... sorry about that... when I knocked and you didn't answer, I may have panicked just A teensy bit." Celestia bashfully replied.

Luna began crying into her sister's shoulder, "I'm so sorry sister, I know it's wrong, but I want him to want Me! Does that make me A bad pony?" Luna asked her sister as she continued to cry, her tears leaving A damp trail down her cheeks.

Some capitalizations that need to be fixed. Might be more.

"It isn't realy that late." Said Celestia stretching and stifling a yawn."He seemed like A night person anyway, I'm shure that he's still awake. We should go and see him."

Really and sure are misspelled.
Overall really liking the fic. Cant wait to see how Ignatius gets out of this one.

Welp. He's dead. So much for that. XD

....OK i think I got it all fixed! Thanks for pointing out all of those capitalization errors, I really appreciate it. Capitalization is one of the areas in which I need to improve.

Hmm...shure sure and shugar sugar are two words I'm constantly misspelling I normally catch those on my own but this one seems to have slipped through the cracks.

Thanks again for pointing out those errors. I really appreciate it, I try to turn each one into a lesson so that I might improve as a writer.

(Looks at the chapter, refreshes it a few times, then looks it over again before looking at you)

You sure about that? Looks the same as how the other guy pointed out. :trixieshiftright:

Oops, looks like i forgot to save after i made some of those corrections.
Should look alot better now.

Yeah, gotta manually save every time you make a change. This site doesn't have auto save like other story-based sites and apps do.

This is getting better with each new chapter.

Looked through the first six chapters, fixed a bunch of errors, it's still not perfect but at least its tidier.

You should mark this as complete by the way. Unless your gonna do a epilogue.

I'm currently rereading the story in its entirety, searching for any loose ends that need tying up in the short epilogue I plan to write.
But don't worry I'll switch it over to complete once it's published.
I can think of few things more annoying than an incomplete story that the author was too lazy to Finnish.

Omg I love the interaction btwn Iron and Razor at the end lol.

You awaken abruptly, after a very angry Princss Luna blasted you from the dream realm

You forgot the e in Princess.

Thank you glad you liked it
and... fixed! Thanks for spotting that.

Is this story nothing but cliches stacked on cliches?

I don't know? probably?
Truth be told, when I first started writing this it was strictly to entertain myself. I didn't really believe that anyone was actually going to read it. I'm really more suited to telling stories around a campfire than actually writing.

But I was having fun so I continued to write and the more I wrote the better I got and the better I got the more I could see how terrible I was.

Much to my surprise people were actually reading my story and some of them liked it?

I've always believed if your going to do some thing do it well so i got some books and started teaching myself how to write write better. So if you can read through the terrible second person perspective, overcomplicated plot, and awful cliches then I would honestly appreciate you criticism. And don't hold back I really wanna know what makes you go Uhhg this story is awful because... or What was the author thinking why did they write it like that?...

You know what, I think I can do that for you. I was going to stop reading this story outright but, you asks... and that is a lot more than most would do and I applaud you for that. Whether my critique of your story is good or bad you had the fucking balls to ask for it, and as far as I'm concerned that deserves praise.

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