I'm Callum! I'm an 18+ trans guy from the USA. Expect edgy stories from me. He/him please!
The Royal Sisters have lived for a very long time. So long, in fact, they don't even bother telling anypony. It's lost history. But one day, they decide to tell you, the reader, what truly happened to turn them into the ponies they are today.
(Comments are much appreciated!)
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This is pretty good so far! It's pretty impressive, considering there was no editing done. XD
Little Celestia is SO FRICKIN CUTE.
It's pretty rushed, and there are also a bit of errors with punctuation, but hey it's unedited. XD I get it.
10048714
Little Celestia is such a darling XD
Oof, I know DX Punctuation who?
I was a little confused about the time gap between this chapter and the previous one, but all in all it was still pretty good! I gasped out loud when the Timberwolf attacked Luna--that was not a direction that I was expecting the story to turn.
But don't worry, that's a good thing! I love it when stories do something that surprises me, which that certainly did!
Boy, you certainly did chuck the journal of the two sisters into the fireplace. XD I do like this take on it, though!
Timberwolves should be taught that little filles are NOT a main course meal!
What journal? The only journal here is Celestia's angsty ramblings about-Oops, spoiler!
Oh no! This was a really emotional chapter.....I feel so sorry for the four young royals.
I feel like this is a super random use of the word fuck. Tbh, I don't even know what it's supposed to mean here. 🤷
10048766
Oh hoho, I am intrigued.....
Well........half the chapter was in italics. I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not...? It's pretty confusing.
This seems like a super random statement to make in this situation. If you paired it with something like: "But Celestia could tell--her sister was going through something she'd never understand" it would make more sense.
Luna seems like she's going through some stuff there.......honey, you okay?
I'm really getting sucked into this story now! It's really picking up!
Lil' Moondust is so sweet and cute! Of course.......I know something's gotta happen soon..........cause storytelling demands tragedy for the characters. That and the "tragedy" tag.
10049064
MOONDUST NO! Okay, this chapter really punched me in the feels.
That's all I have to say.
This was a really good story. There were quite a few issues with grammar and pacing, but since this is a first draft, I understand why it's that way.
I'm going to admit it right now--I cried when both Moondust AND Bright Orange died. Also, those gods can go f*** themselves for all I care, cause TIA DID NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!!!
I would love to see this idea fleshed out a little more and edited to be a better story. If you ever have free time, I'd recommend going over it. XD
This is definitely a story I'm going to read again sometime. ESPECIALLY if it gets edited.
10051646
Thank you for all the advice and comments! This story will get an editor in the future for sure!
...Celestia deserved better
Are either related to Platinum or any of the founders of Equestria?
Were you intending to place "." or "..."
I recommend adding a horizontal line after this. The sudden timeskip may confuse a reader without it.
The two paragraphs appear clustered together. I would recommend clicking ENTER after the "ok."
This one is also having the similar issue. Press ENTER after "much."
Press ENTER after "mother"
You could add a horizontal line before this paragraph and alter the first sentence as "The two sister woke up in the middle of horrible forest" to introduce the scene.
I'll be honest, I'm really confused here. There's a lack of context that explains why this is all happening. Why do the monarchs possess the power to move the sun and moon? Is this power tied to the bloodline? Did they gain this power from the gods? Did they or their ancestors made a contract with them that resulted in this separation from their children? It's likely these questions will be answered later in the story.
Also, the pacing of this chapter was very fast. I would've like to of delved into scenes that displayed the nuances of the bonds between the family, the condition of the world that the monarchs face, and the initial perspective Celestia and Luna had of the world they lived in. The exposition felt much too brief, in my opinion.
"After the fillies...
Where's the weak spot?
Recommended change: "...Her attention, however, focused on someone more important, Luna. The filly ran to her sister's side."
"...if I raise the moon!?"
It seems I was right to think that the monarchs received their power over the sun and moon by the gods. But that only raises questions about who they are exactly? Why do the Royal sister's bloodline have ties to them?
Also, the pacing was really fast again. The whole arc about the city they resided in was ignored. I was under the impression that the two had to achieve some sort of tall task within city such as solving a problem that ailed its residents. I honestly don't know what the gods mean that the sisters had unlocked their destiny. I figured given that they are princesses, that they would somehow rally ponies to follow them or overcome a threat to earn their trust. Them defeating a large timberwolf in a secluded forest doesn't exactly make sense to me that they discovered their destiny. Luna was mortally wounded and it infuriated Celestia so much that it sparked a power in her to smite the creature. One could say rage is her destiny because of it (which would foreshadow Daybreaker).
I just feel that the story needs to slow down and expand upon the world around the sisters. Perhaps the experience with the poor and wronged at that city could've opened their minds to the darkness that harms them (the residents) and emboldened the sisters to take a stand to protect them as their savior, their princess.
"...to become..."
How does Tempest and Faust have connection with Chrysalis and Discord?
"The changeling..."
"Chrysalis jumped even more, "Even better!"..."
Recommended change: "They were livid."
How are Faust and Tempest able to live over 2000 years? I thought the gods only gifted them the power to control the moon and sun, not extend their lifetime 20x more than the average pony.
Also, the debut of Chrysalis and Discord comes off rather random. Since when did Celestia's parents had the trust of changelings and dragonequus? And wouldn't they be capable playmates for Celestia before the birth of Luna?
Wait, are they using magic (as metaphorical bullets) or actually guns?
What's to stop the frightened guard to never return and hide under the protection of the royal sisters? In fact, the guard can easily betray Sombra by disclosing the king's true intentions to eliminate his element of surprise.
"Hmph."
Also, why does Luna need Celestia's permission to spark a relationship with another pony? They are equals, so Luna is some regard, shouldn't feel so restricted by Celestia's urges. In fact, that can be another display of their friction.
"You wench..."
"...even though..."
Yeah, this is sounding like a dumb idea on Sombra's part. He just conquered the crystal empire. What would make the royal sisters think that he would be so quick to give that away? I can only see this as a way for Sombra to provoke them.
How does Sombra not find this suspect? He sent a white-flag letter to them and in response, the royal sisters admit defeat to him. He would have to be brainless if he doesn't expect deception.
So it turns out that Sombra isn't that bright despite being able to take over an entire empire. His defeat was lackluster because of how painfully easy he was tricked by the royal sisters. If he was so confident in his powers, he should wage war against Equestria and take the lands with his and his army's power. If he realized he could not defeat the royal sisters with his current powers, then he should be cunning to place the sisters into a serious disadvantage that they would have to overcome. Instead, he did neither of those things and he fell rather easily. It makes me wonder how Princess Amore fell to this guy.
Is Princess Amore an alicorn just like Celestia and Luna? If so, I figured she would have the upper hand in strength just as Celestia and Luna. If not, she would at least have her guards to help overwhelm him unless he had followers of his own (the only one I'm noticing is a stallion named Sunstorm).
Also, where is Cadance in all of this mess? Being the likely daughter of Princess Amore, Sombra would at least have her in captivity or slay her. Unless of course, she was with the royal sisters or somewhere else at the time.
As I said from the second chapter, I think it would be best if you slowed the story down and expand upon the world around these sisters:
For Luna to think about stallions, there should already be one that she fancies. Develop upon that relationship and display Celestia's initial disapproval of it that pricks into her own relationship with her sister.
What is the history of the Crystal Empire and how did Princess Amore come to power? Are her kingdom close friends to the royal sisters'?
How did Sombra take over the crystal empire? Was it because of his powers? Did he attain loyal followers that allowed him to overwhelm the kingdom?
10049003
I agree with your assessment. Her having the appearance of a teen mare doesn't have any relevance unless it ties someway to her current behavior. Perhaps because she is stuck in her teenage body for an extended time, her mind and body are struggling to deal with the complex emotions and hormones fluctuating within her. Perhaps her appearance makes her feel inferior, influencing her to flex her power more boastfully. You could also point to the voice in her head, but Celestia would likely chalk it down to stress.
After the fall of Sombra?
How would the public not expect them to have children when they got married? They should realize that as a possibility, shouldn't they? Of course, this could just be Luna being very anxious.
That sounds like a serious flaw in the invention. I wouldn't expect them to make use of it if it can become such a serious safety hazard. Didn't anypony tested this thing to prevent accidents such as explosions occurring from plugging in the outlet?
"mean"
"..."
"Granting..."
Okay, who are these gods? Is the story telling me that they made the elements of harmony for the sisters since they can dictate its power?
Also, I've realized that we skipped very important elements of this story such as the sisters' two friends, Chrysalis and Discord. Whatever happened to them? Last I heard, Discord started a war, but it's never mentioned what happened to him at the end and what he did to spark it. What has Chrysalis been up to? Is she still allies with Celestia?
Also, I get that the appearance of Tempest and Moondust is supposed to be heartwarming because of the trauma that Celestia had endured, but it doesn't make sense.
How is Tempest able to enter the living realm from the afterlife? What sort of magic is he using to do this? If he is able to do these feats, he should always be able to give brief visits to her daughters to offer them comfort and guidance after recuperating his magic.
And also, what is the "tomfoolery" that the gods speak of? Yeah, Celestia neglected her sister, but she was still doing her part to lead an entire country. How was she supposed to know that her sister was inhabited by a sentient shadow (I would say the gods messed up by not informing Celestia or confronting Luna about it since they should be omniscient enough to know about it)? In fact, where did this shadow even come from? It certainly can't be hers since it doesn't sympathize with her. Where and how did she contact this thing? Was it always in her since she was little filly (which could explain the blue fog business she had)?
"..."
"...born yet."
But why though? I thought the punishment was to be separated from her sister for a thousand years? Their actions have honestly painted the gods as the true antagonists of the story.
"...extreme agony."
"... huddling..."
So the gods can intervene to harass Celestia's family, but they won't step it to prevent threats from occurring upon the lands. Are we really sure they're gods and not devils in disguised? Also, what exactly are they? Are they alicorns or unicorns? Because I think this is the first time their physical feature has been described.
So even these gods have limits?
And Celestia did not think to do the same towards the residents of Ponyville? Besides Celestia and the mane 6, it's not like NMM harmed any pony.
Didn't the gods blessed them with a powerful immunity against diseases:
An alternate story where the sisters are forced under the whims of gods does sound interesting. It would tackle upon the theme of loyalty/ faith as the sisters (only Celestia displayed this) have to question their allegiance to upper beings that have mostly caused them pain.
In my opinion, I feel that this theme I'm noticing and the events of this story is far too rushed. Never am I truly invested in the sisters as I am not exposed enough the goals they desire as princess, the chemistry between their lovers, children, friends, and parents. I would've like to see their relationships gradually develop instead of it being summarized.
I also have a lack of investment into Moondust and Bright Orange's character. Yes, they are the offspring of the princesses, but there's nothing more relevant beyond that. The story treats them more like a plot device to traumatize to sisters and radically change their character.
Also, what ever happened to Discord and Chrysalis? Your footnote mentions side stories (which may expand upon the two), but honestly, I believe they should be in the main story, especially after speaking about a war that Discord sparked.
In my opinion, I believe this story should be extended far beyond 20k words. There are too many arcs that aren't given in just development:
I believe each that are listed need to be expanded upon (more than just a chapter for some of them).
10176093
I really have to thank you for going over this story. I will be taking some of your advice and trying to fix up those grammatical mistakes when I can.
HOWEVER, my friend and I simply don't have the time right now to do a rewrite project that big. We already have the epilogue story to TSOCAL in the making, along with MLP Characters Watch The Story Of Celestia And Luna AND Meet The Parents Part 1.
It took us 5-6 MONTHS to finish up this 20,000K Draft, and we didn't want it to sit around in our docs, so I decided to share it. I know it's heavily flawed and rushed, but if a so called rewrite is to happen, the other stories have to be finished and posted first. I don't want all that work to go to waste.
You tended to focus on the negative aspects, and that made me feel heavily discouraged. A good critic/proofreader should HELP the person they’re proofreading for, and sure, pointing out stuff I needed to fix is something that IS pretty necessary, but at the same time, there IS ways to be more polite about it.
I know that's not what you intended, but it did somewhat hurt my feelings.
10176118
I apologize for coming off rude. My intention was not the bash at your work. I just felt that there were too many things the were left out and felt the need to let you know. I believe one cannot know the flaws in their own work unless someone else points it out for them so they will be aware of it the next time on their own. How else would it help that writer to improve and evolve? Still, I'm sorry that I came off harsh, but I do hope that my comments prove useful to you in some way.
10176124
You are forgiven! I know that wasn't your intention! And I will be using your comments in the future