• Published 7th Nov 2019
  • 1,796 Views, 81 Comments

Who I Choose To Be - milesprower06



One of Equestria's youngest and most unpredictable villains faces an uncertain future. After Princess Twilight attempts an unprecedented treatment, things become even more uncertain.

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The Journal

So I don't really think there's a perfect way to start this off. Princess Twilight gave me this journal to start writing in. I guess she trusts Doctor Graymare enough to keep an eye on me so I won't try to slash my throat with this quill or anything.

The past month has been like waking up from a nightmare that was as bad as can be, then I opened my eyes, and the nightmare was me. Everything felt so hopeless down there in the dungeon, that I wasn't sure I would ever get out, that the pain would ever stop. I had forgotten that my birthday was a few days ago, and when I saw that piece of cake, the first thing that came forward in my head was my last birthday at home, and then everything went hot.

I don't doubt that Doctor Graymare had a hoof in getting me out of that cell, I'd heard him arguing with Princess Twilight more than once down the hall during my time down there. He's been the face I've seen most of these past few weeks. He seems to genuinely care about me even though I've barely been able to speak to him because of this pain, and I'm trying to figure out how I feel about that.

The pain... it doesn't come from any physical wound, it's deeper. It makes it hard to breathe, to think, and it was at the absolute worst when I fell out of the chair in my cell. The next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. It's still there, but it's gotten better in the twenty minutes I've been here in this tower. It feels like a home. I'm still afraid of when it's going to come rushing back again, but for now, I'm just glad to feel hungry for once.

If Twilight was willing to keep me down there, then I'm really glad Doctor Graymare is here. I know he means well, but maybe he doesn't know all the details of what I did. But if he can help Twilight fix her mistake, maybe he can help me fix all of mine.


"How is it coming?" Doctor Graymare asked, pulling Cozy out of her thoughts as he set a plated, diagonally cut daffodil and daisy sandwich down on the desk next to the open journal.

"It's... Coming." Cozy replied, setting her quill down as she looked to the simple but inviting dinner.

"Do you mind if I have a look?" The unicorn asked, resulting in a momentary pause in the filly's first bite of her sandwich as she glanced at the journal. Graymare noticed.

"I mean, I don't want to pretend that Princess Twilight believes you should have any expectation of privacy, but I want you to know that I'm not Twilight. So how about a trade? If you let me read what you've written..." Graymare paused, reaching to the kitchen counter with his magic, pulling over a leather-bound medical journal, levitating it over to the desk.

"You can read what I've written. I want to see how you think you're doing, and in return, you can see how I think you're doing. Sound fair?" The doctor asked, offering her his slightly bigger, thinner journal as it floated above her plate.

"Deal." Cozy answered, nodding as she slid her journal towards Graymare, and the doctor immediately set his down in its place. Cozy continued eating as she flipped open the leather cover, and read the first, minutes-old entry, as he did the same.


Day 33

I figured now was as good a time as any to restart these log entries. The past couple weeks, I quickly grew weary of logging the hours and hours of suffering I heard down the corridor of the dungeon solitary wing. I had never seen Princess Twilight approach something so passively. I don't doubt that she's torn between her passion for helping as many ponies in need that she can, and her anger at Cozy for what she had nearly done to her school, her student body, and to all of Equestria.

But now that I have fortunately gotten through to her, it is my sincere hope that real progress can be made. This is a previously unheard of medical treatment, as psychopathy has historically had no known cure. But with the help of Starlight Glimmer, the Headmare of the School of Friendship, whose magical abilities rival that of Twilight herself, and Sunset Shimmer, a former student of Princess Celestia who has become an incredibly powerful empath, Twilight has devised a highly experimental, and quite frankly, ethically questionable treatment for Cozy's mental state. We are now truly in uncharted territory, and I can't help but feel a bit excited again for progress now that Cozy's surroundings have improved a thousandfold, with creative outlets to occupy her mind, homecooked meals, and a more comfortable bed.


"Cozy..." Doctor Graymare began, who had pulled up a chair and taken a seat next to her, and waited for her to finish reading, and paused until the pegasus made eye contact with him. "When I first became a physician, I took what is called the Hayppocratic Oath. It's a centuries-old promise, taken by generation after generation of doctors and healers, to do no harm to those we take under our watch and care. It doesn't matter what our patients have been accused of, or what they have done. We help them. So I want you to know, that to me, it doesn't matter what you did. I'm going to do my very best to help you. End of story." He told her gently, but firmly, offering the closed journal back to her.

"But... It matters to me. What I did, especially to my family... I don't know if there's any way I'll be able to move on from that." Cozy replied, taking her book back as she closed his and slid it towards him as she finished her sandwich.

"That's fair. Right now, your conscience can't come up with any reasons why you did what you did. Even if you can't find a reason, finding a way to move on from it will be a very important step in your recovery. Every journey begins with a first step, and you've made your first one. Tomorrow, there will be time for another one. And another."

Cozy let out a yawn.

"I was wondering how early you'd get tired, with how sporadic you've been getting sleep the past month." Graymare added as he took the empty plate to the kitchen.

"But if I'm getting the bed, where are you going to sleep?" Cozy asked as she set her journal back down on the desk.

"Don't worry about me. This isn't my first prolonged house call. A good pillow and blanket will do me on any couch." Graymare told her, as he went to the closet to acquire such items. Meanwhile, Cozy made her way over to the twin bed that had been made with a bedsheet and a comforter. She could tell even before laying in it that it was warmer and softer than the bed in her cell, or even the one in the hospital.

With a stretch, she lifted the covers, and climbed in, and as Graymare dimmed the lights of the tower's living area, she faded into the realm of dreams as her head sunk into the incredibly soft pillow.

Author's Note:

10 Internet Points TM (Non-transferrable, non-refundable) if you can spot the reference I put in there.

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