• Member Since 16th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 22nd, 2014

hannahs98


American princess, former genius, pop icon, satirist, food critic, feminist, great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of a convicted witch, and the occasional aesthete. B) wbu

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Rainbow Dash has always been independent. She never really NEEDED anybody to comfort her. Except maybe her friends. But when Scootaloo comes waltzing in her life, Dash's life is about to change. She discovers her sisterly feelings for Scootaloo and decides to teach her everything she knows. And with a sister... there comes trouble. But may this trouble turn out for the better? Her chances have never been this amazing. Her whole life and perspective is about to change... forever.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 71 )

Needs a bit of editing, but otherwise it's pretty good.

Looks great.
good start. Cant wait to see the rest. ;)

Great story looks to be going places! Only thing I can really criticise is the block caps are not needed as they don't look as professional, but otherwise when can I expect chapter 2? :yay:

Please, do continue. :twilightsmile:

Sorry I didn't mean to like criticise maliciously :fluttercry: Hopefully it helped and hasn't put you off? :fluttershysad:

Not bad, just seemed too fast paced. Dash may be a speed demon, but the story doesn't need to be.:rainbowwild:
I mean, was Scootaloo asking Dash for flight lessons the only thing that Dash did that day? Some development could have been done to lead up to the next day's realization that Dash should train Scootaloo, perhaps talking with her friends about it and getting their reactions or flying around Cloudsdale and seeing other foals learning to fly. Let us see a bit more of the change in thought that Dash goes through over time instead of just: "day 1 no I won't help you, day 2 I was wrong I'll help you.

also an error I spotted: teacher her how to maintain
and this is a bit nitpicky but, I rather doubt Twilight would refer to Scootaloo as "one of the cutie mark crusaders" instead of just saying her name.:twilightsheepish:

Now for some positives to offset the hopefully not too harsh criticism...
I like the premise and look forward to seeing where you take it.
You're not abusing Scootaloo or making her a grounded pegasus (at least it doesn't look that way) which automatically gets you a point in my book.
Soarin is tagged, there is a romance tag, the title is A New Family...seems like SoarinDash...my favoritedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png which is another point from me (if that is the case...which I hope it is.)
Keep going, stories can only get better with time and effort, and you're off to a pretty good start.

1099291 The only thing I can see that needs help is that you need to start a new paragraph when somepony new beings speaking. I notice this a lot in the last few paragraphs. Otherwise, it's a great story idea, and I don't see any issues with grammar or punctuation!

Then consider your story tracked, I'll do my best to help with constructive criticism so long as you want me to.
s.deviantart.com/th/fs70/150/i/2011/167/6/0/rainbow_dash_salute_by_atomicgreymon-d3bo0dx.png

Oh and I'll enjoy reading it too:twilightsheepish:

1099733
Awesome, I'll check it out later, right now Dinner and Criminal Minds is calling my name.

but i thought Lauren said Scoots was disabled and unable to fly? not t..to be mean...i was asking

1099791

She is... for now. But not for long! :raritywink: Well, at least, not in this Fimfiction.
However, in season 3 of MLP, she may start flying. But season 3 doesn't come out until this fall. :raritydespair:

1100010 acctually. it airs in september like last year so proberably another 2 or 3 weeks. it will be fall

1100034 lol i hate waiting 2 or 3 weeks but atleast it's better than a month. my new wonderbolt jacket will be in along with the beginning of the cold weather down here louisiana. anyways, i love the story. continue?

Awesome! :raritystarry: Write more soon? :twilightsmile:

Woohoo, featured already! :yay: Congrats!

There is something I need to know before I invest my limited time reading this fic: Will Scootaloo remain flightless by the end of this story?

Ok! This is definitely better.

I don't think you really needed a the time transition between Dash saying no, and arriving at her house, just doesn't seem like enough time to warrant it. Perhaps just show her flying towards her home with Scootaloos sad reaction to her saying no popping into her head, which would make for a bit of setup for Dash's thinking when she did get home. If you do want to show that some time has passed, a better way to do it would be to work it into the narrative rather than just a ==(time skip) for instance: In the example I used about dash flying home, you could mention how the sun was nearing the horizon which would tell the reader it was getting close to dusk, when she gets home, you could mention how the 'last rays of the sun' slowly disappeared out her window to show that night has come. These sorts of things when done right can help draw a reader into the story and feel it pass instead of just seeing it pass.

Also the dialogue with Twilight, maybe add a bit to it, right now it's seems a little too brief, Hi>I'm gonna teach scoots to fly>spike get books!
Now while I agree Twilight would more than likely just jump straight to wanting to give her friends study material, just jumping straight to actually giving them books just seems off to me. A simple line like "Oh! I have several books that could help you learn about it! Spike! go get <book titles x, y, and z>..." I think would make it sound a bit more fluid. Then you could even put a little joke in like having Dash say "good, yeah that's why I came here" then Twilight could feign shock at Dash actually wanting study materials.
Also this is still nitpicky but...It still irks me when Twilight says "I see you brought one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders with you"...I dunno it just bugs me but that's just my opinion, heck most of what I said is, so do what you will :rainbowwild:

How could she of all ponies teacher Scootaloo to fly? (it's teach, teacher is a noun :rainbowwild:)
made the wrong choices (she only made one mistake, so singular choice)

Now on to ch.2 and congratulations on being featured!:pinkiehappy:

This was a good chapter, the pacing and dialogue were much better.:twilightsmile:

Critique time
Not as much to say this time though a few things from what I said on Ch.1 can apply here.
Scootaloos progress however seemed a bit fast, after reading a bunch of books She hovered on her first try? Though I did like how Dash held her hooves on the first go, that...that was just really nice. Perhaps have scootaloo fail a couple times before hand though, her wings just fluttering about and not getting her anywhere, then have dash give her some instruction like say proper wing motions for getting lift, and then having Scootaloo get her first takeoff. Then proceed pretty much as you did, you could show Scootaloo doing various exercises to build her strength montage style (I have the rocky song and eye of the tiger on standby)
Also why it's not bad, Dash's emotional progress towards Scootaloo also seem a bit fast. If I'm right about the timetable, it's only been about a day since all this happened.

A few errors I spotted:
mentoring her over many thing (things)
She shut it close with a snap (closed)
promises to hopefully fillies like me? (hopeful)
laughed as she packed her cupcake as well; (is she taking the cupcake on vacation? *badum tish* packed away, or some other word for ate:rainbowwild:)

Grats again on the feature, and I look forward to chapter 3.:pinkiehappy:

Wow... that was tough... I have an offer for you; I'm an editor, and I want to help you with this, because I honestly had a hard time reading this and not wincing.

I read these chapters through because I like the concept, but the content was something I had to wade through.

I cannot believe how formal you are... every sentence is so stiff, so structured, there's no informality, and your dialogue... yyyeah, that could use a hefty shot of 'conversational' toning. Have you ever actually tried to say 'I am so happy to watch you progress and to be able to help you.' out loud? Because I guarantee you a person doesn't sound like that. And Dash, specifically, wouldn't. Try something like 'Hey squirt, no biggie, you're like... the sister I never had. I'm just doin' what any truly awesome pony would be doin'; helping out my number one fan. I'm just happy you're getting better at this!'

Do you already have an editor? Because if not, I have plenty of time. :twilightsmile: Not to mention this whole thing could read so much better.

What do you say? Your creative ideas and drive with my help to make it all sound awesome? Unbeatable teamwork!

Also 1103976 Why does that even matter? If it's a good story, who cares :pinkiehappy:

I sense Epicness in later chapters of this fic

I like this, it could do with some grammar checks and conversations sound a little forced but I like it! Not enough Scootalove on the internet for my liking :scootangel:

1104115

Definitely! I'm reviewing my first two chapters and trying to make any grammar changes. :derpytongue2: I'm still at a loss for what other details I should add to fluff up the story a bit! :rainbowwild: Any suggestions? c: Hm... I know I need to find a way to slow down the time changes. Everything's happening so quickly; I just don't want the readers to get bored! :applejackunsure:

I would love to have you and >> Edragon as my editors; if you don't mind! :pinkiehappy::rainbowwild::twilightsmile: Would you mind messaging me any editing suggestions? It would make it a lot easier than to remember where you commented. :twilightsheepish:

Awesome sauce! :rainbowwild: Me gusta! :heart:

1104515 I'll tell you what, I'll download these two chapters and give them the once over, then I'll message you when I'm done, and hopefully get an e-mail off you so I can forward the .rtf files to you.

That's how I usually work (well, actually I usually work from people supplying me chapters ahead of time, and them checking over what I've done before they post anything), and I'd be happy to give this a go over the weekend.

Onwards and upwards :twilightsmile:

I like where this story is going!
And I only noticed few mistakes. I can live with those, if the stories quality stays at this level ( or above of course :twilightsmile: )

1105847

Thanks! :twilightsmile: Can you please point out what you noticed (via Fimfiction messages/mail) so I can make the story better? I love reading critiques and trying to make the story the very best it can be~ :rainbowwild:

11043631104115

Hmm... Nah. On second thought, I'll keep tracking this. I just prefer "Scootaloo can NEVER fly" stories, on the grounds that she is the PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT of PURE AWESOME where her scooter is involved. Giving her a set of wings that work (Guess that reference, feel good about yourself) undercuts the above point entirely.

I'm liking this story. Can't wait to see how and where all the tags apply. :rainbowkiss:

I love this story. So much dawwww:rainbowkiss:

1106020

I can't remember all the places and I don't have much time at the moment, but when I have some time, I'll read the two chapters through again and mark down the mistakes for you! :twilightsmile:

Not sure if it's my Computer, but the picture is broken.

1158956

I'm a bit pressed for time at the moment; but as soon as I can get some free time on my hands, I'll try to finish/work on as much as possible! :twilightsmile:

I hear what your screamin, player.:pinkiesmile:

Hey, I like the premise here, with RD being selfish and then realizing it and going back to do the right thing. A good start for a story! I like the entire concept of gratuitous amounts of Scootalove, it's something I wish we'd see more of.

Overall the writing is good. The pacing may be a little fast, but I enjoyed reading it- you put in a fair bit of description for actions and to give flavor to dialogue. RD and Scootaloo seem in character.

I do see a lot of places where words aren't used properly... I mean, I can get a sense of what you intended to say, but the word doesn't quite make sense. For example, "...Scootaloo looked up in her face for any detection of saying yes." 'Detection' is a verb, an action, and it's out of place there.

I see some misused punctuation as well. I think the general usse of semicolons is good, but there are a lot of places where you've used them when a comma would be more appropriate.

I don't know if you have anyone to proofread or edit for you, but a second set of eyes helps TREMENDOUSLY. When I get my wife to read what I write, she comes up with an astounding number of errors that I overlook- I see them so often while revising and changing stuff around, they just don't stick out to me anymore.

Anyway, I like the story so far. It's sweet, has an uplifting concept and it's got me rooting for everything to come out happy in the end. Well done! :eeyup:

ahhhh, im still waiting :ajsleepy:

1581631 To be honest, I don't know whether I should cancel this story or not. It doesn't seem to have a direction anymore and requires careful planning if I do chose to continue the story... Meanwhile, I am working on other projects, but currently I'm drowning in the midst of a flood of homework.
I may post a one-shot soon, if I can manage to pull it together in my spare time.

I noticed your story was on hiatus... why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!?!? :raritycry:

I suppose it's a bit too late to agree with 1104115 on some things? If only I had actually seen this way back when. Either way, the dialogue does sound artificial sometimes, but it's also not something that's easy. A bit of work goes a long way, and I bet that when you come back in a blaze of glory it'll be great. What I would do (again, very late advice) is to actually say the dialogue out loud and imagine the character saying it as well in context until you get the patterns down.

Ok, just this so far.

"... thanks Dash. You're changing my life. You're my biggest hero!"

That is very blunt :twilightoops:, remember you want to show the readers, not just tell them, even if the character is doing it for you. I like the basic idea of the line, it fits very well, just find a more subtle way to say it. Maybe something that also builds character, perhaps....

Thanks Dash, nopony has ever done anything like this for me before. You'r my biggest hero!

This keeps the general feel of the dialog, but doesn't tell the reader out right what is going on. It also gives you options you can tie into Scoot's back story if you decide to go there.

Hope this was helpful, if you ever want my thoughts on anything just drop me a pm. :twilightsmile: I'm no good at spotting grammar stuff, but I like to think I am pretty good at concept work and maintaining the feel and flow of a piece. I'm serious about the pm thing, I found the idea behind your "Follower" account very touching and I would like to help the person who had that idea in whatever little way I am able to dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_smile.png . So if you ever want to talk or want a fresh set of eyes on something let me know :pinkiesmile:

1659081 Fear not, my dear Celestial. Check my recent blog post, then let me know what you think. :twilightsmile:

1672209 Thaylien never got back to me on that offer. Heh, it's alright. Just wondering... are you an editor? Although - thanks for the constructive criticism! A lot of people told me that the dialogue sounds artificial, but I was actually thinking about it, and I'm going to write a prequel to this story to make Scootaloo's motivation for learning how to fly greater, more explained and (probably) more logical. After that, I'm going to go back and do massive edits to this story to (hopefully) make it more natural. In addition, thanks for the watch! It's very much appreciated. :heart: :pinkiehappy:

1672264 Wow, thanks so much for the offer! That'll be wonderful; I do need someone to go over ideas with me and tell me if they're alright. As a matter of fact, (like I mentioned earlier in my latest blog post), I'm going to write a prequel and then edit this story to make it better. But thanks so much! It means a lot to me! After I start (and finish) planning for the prequel, I'll message you because I'll need frequent help with ideas; if that's alright with you. :twilightsmile:

1672281

Am I an editor? Actively, not quite. Have I been? On occasion. Could I be? Most certainly, as long as everything gets sorted, and I understand what's expected. Like I said, it just takes some work to get results.

You're welcome, by the by.

1672302Sounds great :pinkiehappy: I look forward to it.

1672281

Did I honestly not? Wow... my apologies kiddo, I didn't mean to snub you, I feel like a bit of a git when I looked back through my inbox and saw your name there with a question, it got lost in all the other requests that day.

I'll tell you what, how about a plan to start off with? I'm more than happy to edit for you, so there's only two steps you need to do. 1, re-read these chapters, say them out loud and think about any of the conversation and whether it could be improved by you before I see it, and 2, use the e-mail on my page there, send me the chapters on over as attachments, and include any new work you've done. I'll cast my eye over the work itself, use any and all tricks of the trade to make it sound better, and run you back the results.

I'll also, since it's what you asked originally, provide some feedback as to what could make the story better, where you could take it next, how you could improve it in general and we can bounce ideas back and forth.

Because I feel bad about leaving you hanging, you get the deluxe service. And I look forward to working with you :twilightsmile:

1673361 Honestly, it's alright - everyone forgets things! Thanks so much for the offer!

Well, I'll try to complete that one-shot over the next couple of days before re-vamping this story. Do you work on Google Docs? I prefer that, since you can look at critiques quickly; but if not, that's fine. My email's <hannahs98@gmail.com>.

I'll get back to you shortly! But thanks! :pinkiehappy:

Cheers!
~hannahs98/Follower

1680407

Indeed, mail me over the link and I can start work as soon as tomorrow afternoon.

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