• Member Since 20th Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Captain_Hairball


Harkness compliant since 2015.

T

The Storm King has defeated the reigning Princesses and put Twilight Sparkle to flight. Now more than ever, Equestria needs a wise and selfless leader. Instead, they have Blueblood.

Trapped in Canterlot Palace, Blueblood must lead the ponies held captive there to safety. Can he rise above his failings and overcome Tempest Shadow and her army of raiju? Or will he and the ponies under his protection go down like a flaming airship?

An entry for FoME’s Imposing Sovereigns II contest. The prompt was for Blueblood and War.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 15 )

Shooting difficult targets was the thing he was best at in all the world, and now when it mattered he’d failed.

"Harmony guide my aim" can be a curse or a blessing, depending on who you're aiming at and what they need to do in the future.

"Well, Miss Donut Steel? How edgy are you?"

Seriously, magnificent.

My apologies for forcing you to fit this inside of fifteen thousand words. You still managed to pull off an incredible tale of struggle against both impossible odds and Blueblood's own self-loathing. Fantastic work throughout. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.

9931293

Thank you! I've read some of the other stories; competition is stiff. :twilightsmile: Also, I am totally failing at not hanging around the site obsessing about my stats. :rainbowlaugh:

Great story, Captain! I always enjoy seeing Raven, but she was especially bad-ass and snarky! And writing Blueblood as a self loathing, reluctant hero really made me cheer for him. Your portrayal of him here made him much more interesting and humble than I imagined he could be.

Well done! Good luck in the contest.

I really liked the idea of this story, and the description got a smile out of me before I'd even started reading. From there, though, not all of this worked super-well for me. I think this was the part that first bothered me:

Blueblood’s spine stiffened. “Twilight’s festival. I will attend, as promised.” Oh, how he hated Twilight. Twilight Sparkle was everything he knew he ought to be and wasn’t — friendly, brave, open, beloved by the ponies. She didn’t even know she was Celestia’s heir; though Blueblood did. Celestia had asked his permission for the arrangement, and he had granted it cheerfully. He didn’t covet the throne, but he did covet Grandma Tia’s love, and he feared she loved her more than him.

Just because there's so much character motivation and probably-complicated feelings and everything, all packed into a single paragraph of essentially exposition. I'm totally willing to believe that that was an issue of the wordcount limit, because I think a scene that delved into all that more naturally would've been an improvement, but also probably taken up more space.

And I think most of my other issues with it could be explained the same way; there were some pivotal moments that I think could have been really amazing, but just didn't get enough room and development to feel earned. There's a moment where Blueblood insists that the Raiju aren't monsters, and my first thought was "why does he think this," because the story didn't really show the Raiju being much but monstrous.

Still, this was a fairly engaging read with some really nice touches throughout, and I think there's groundwork for a really good story in here. I'd love to see this expanded upon after the contest's over, if that's something you ever feel like doing.

I don't care if he came around in the end. For what he did to Raven I am, now and forever, the eternal enemy of Prince Blue Blood!

On to chapter 2... I am actually enjoying this fanfic a lot :-)

Pones, "Why don't we just shoot them?"

Alondro appears and pops a cap in the Storm King's head. It's super-effective! "Yar velcome!" He leaves.

Pones blink out at the audience of young kids traumatized by character brains splattered all over the screen, "Oh THAT'S why!"

:trollestia:

9931360

This is the feedback I feared. And yet knew I would get? Yeah; even when I saw that the most effective entries in the contest were more like vingettes I persisted in trying to bit a multi-character action-packed epic in under the word count limit. I am very stubborn :facehoof:

Anyway, it did well enough that I am motivated to fiddle with it more and/or write sequels/prequels, so your feedback is super helpful. Thank you!

9931369

I think I might agree.

I think Blueblood might agree.

This is really good.

An absolute thrill from start to finish. You packed a lot of great character moments and some pretty awesome action sequences into a relatively small space, and I can appreciate that. I don't typically read fics of this grittier nature, but I enjoyed it all the same—even if it felt a tad constrained in certain parts.

Thanks for writing this!

Very awesome story! I think it's going to do well in the contest, but you should be proud no matter what.

Well this certainly is an interesting read

interesting read

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!