Grief
"It's a shame, you always used to prepare yourself so well when you had an audience with the princesses," Rainbow Dash said. "They let you stay in the castle, and this is how you repay them?"
Twilight looked at her through the mirror, refusing to turn around. Her eyes were bloodshot, her mane was disastrously unkempt, and her teeth had been ground into painful stubs. Laying next to her on the vanity was a copy of the latest Daring Do novel, an unused hairbrush, and a pair of scissors.
"Why are you here...?" she asked bitterly.
"That's a really good question Twilight," the pegasus began, circling the unicorn with a mocking grin. "Why am I here?"
With a scream that had been long repressed, the lavender mare picked up the book in her mouth and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.
-~{>L<}~-
In her life, Twilight Sparkle had experienced many emotions. Many of them positive, and many of them negative. But, for the first time in her entire existence, she was feeling the most powerful and pure emotion she had ever imagined possible.
Hatred. Cold, unforgiving hatred.
It was a thing that didn't come easily, a terrible fate bestowed upon anyone and everyone she directed this hatred at. A twist of the knife that was already lodged into her victim from the guilt of the heinous crime he or she must have committed to awaken such fury from the lavender mare.
"What do you mean back order?" Twilight asked, growing increasingly unstable by the second. "You said that the new Daring Do book would be in by today! I have a customer that has been patiently waiting for it..."
She had to admit to herself, 'patiently' was a bit of an exaggeration on Twilight's part. She knew that Rainbow Dash meant well, but knocking on her door every morning at six sharp to see if it had arrived early was more than a little excessive. Not that she could complain, it was an effective method in making sure that Spike woke up on time and kept to a regular schedule.
That being known, Twilight couldn't help but be helplessly frustrated at having to disappoint one of her friends. Rainbow had been waiting on this novel for weeks, and she could predict the imminent rage that would engulf the pegasus when she delivered the bad news.
"My apologies miss," offered a scrawny mail colt. "But that's what the company told me when I went to pick it up. They said it should be here within a few days."
Twilight sighed, defeated. As if she didn't have enough problems of her own to worry about, now she had to add 'stressing out a friend' to her list. It was relatively early, so perhaps the unicorn had time to prepare some tea before Rainbow arrived, with hopes of softening the blow.
"I'll see you then, I guess," she said insincerely before closing her door on the undeserving target of her anger.
Well, she thought as she began to make her way up the stairs and into her room. I suppose he deserves a 'sorry' for all of that nonsense.
Twilight focused on her door knob as it was enveloped by a dark pink aura, opening to reveal a quiet, but nonetheless chaotic-looking bedroom. The mare took a quick look at her quarters, a soft grunt escaping her as she reviewed her haphazardly positioned bedsheets and covers, which were lying at odd angles between her mattress and the floor.
She walked over to Spike's basket, lightly prodding him with her hoof.
"Wake up, sleepy head."
"Wha- oh," he started, quickly glancing around the room as he was risen from his slumber. Content that whatever fears he had weren't realized, he turned to his offender with a frown. "What's the deal Twilight? Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Twilight knelt down to rustle her assistant's spikes. "Do you?" she taunted playfully.
Spike considered the question for a moment. "No," he finally answered. "But what's so important that I need to get up when it's completely dark out?"
"Rainbow Dash's book is on back order," she said gravely.
The dragon gave Twilight an incredulous look, but once the reality of the situation hit him, his eyes widened. "Mother of Celestia..." he began, a sense of dread overtaking his features. "I'll start storm-proofing the library."
Twilight smiled, somewhat relieved that Spike wasn't mad enough at her to be utterly humorless. "I don't think that will be necessary," she mused, rising up from her crouched stance. "Just put on a pot of tea for us, please. I think Rainbow should be here around six, so that gives you plenty of time."
-~{>L<}~-
Six came and went. So did seven. And eight. And nine.
Now almost noon, Twilight's tea had long been cold, and she couldn't help but wonder why the pegasus who had been so eager to claim her next edition in the series was nowhere to be seen on the date of its supposed arrival.
Just as she was about to give up hope and go into town, Twilight heard a soft rapping on the door. "Come in Fluttershy," she called, expecting the unusually pathetic knock to belong to the yellow pegasus.
"Uh, it's me," corrected a raspy voice. "I'm welcome too, right?"
Twilight's ears perked up. "Rainbow Dash?" Twilight asked in surprise as she jumped up to answer the door in person, pushing it open with a hoof. "Where have you been?"
As the door opened completely, Twilight was taken aback by the sight. Her friend's mane was even more disheveled than usual, and her eyes were bloodshot. Choosing to respect her Rainbow's privacy, she simply stepped aside silently and allowed the cyan mare to enter.
"I made some tea for us," Twilight said, hoping to break the social wall that had formed between them in the brief minute of awkwardness. "Though, it's probably co-"
"You're wondering about why I look like a wreck, right?" Rainbow interrupted bitterly. Her voice was cold, uncaring, and Twilight didn't like it one bit.
But it wasn't her place to act on that notion. "A little bit, yes. What happened to you?"
"Was just up late working," she responded halfheartedly, leaving Twilight partially unconvinced of the statement's truth. "How are you?"
"Fine," answered the unicorn. That was new. In the entire month Rainbow had been coming to the library, she had no interest in her friend's well-being, only that of the book she was waiting on.
Confused, Twilight decided to inquire her on it. "Are you here for your book?"
Rainbow Dash bit her lip. "Yes," she answered unenthusiastically. "I'm guessing it came in this morning?"
This was it. Rainbow was going to be furious, and there was nothing Twilight could do to calm her down. After all of her days waiting, the pegasus was going to be let down. The lavender mare cringed, knowing exactly what response would come of her bad news.
"N-no, it's on back order." she forced out, bracing herself for the oncoming torrent of rage.
But it never came. "Oh," Rainbow replied without any noticeable change in mood. "That's a shame."
Twilight completely froze. This was unlike her friend. No, this was the polar opposite of Rainbow Dash, the hot headed action-craving daredevil and self-proclaimed best flier in Equestria. Her behavior made no sense, and the only response Twilight could muster was slowly opening and closing her mouth.
"So," Rainbow Dash said, snapping the unicorn back into reality. "You said you made tea? May I have some?"
"Uhm, of course," Twilight said, unsure of what exactly was going on. "Make yourself at home."
As Rainbow clambered onto a nearby couch, Twilight trotted briskly into the kitchen where she was met with Spike's curious eye. "How'd she take it?" he asked cautiously, expecting the worst.
Twilight flipped the kettle burner on while she thought over just how to answer that. "She... didn't care."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "What?"
Twilight looked back into the living room, watching Rainbow Dash as she sat peacefully on the sofa. "Rainbow was completely fine with it. She seemed so... indifferent."
"Do you think she's okay?" asked Spike, a hint of concern dripping from his voice.
The unicorn dismissed it entirely. "Of course she is, she's just tired from working all night."
The dragon seemed content with that answer until a stray thought struck him. "Working? But there isn't a cloud in the sky, there hasn't been for days."
He was right. There had been absolutely no weather work all week, and Twilight had even heard from Cloud Kicker how nice it was to have some time off. Twilight had been ordering Rainbow's book at the post office, and Cloud Kicker had been talking to one of the employees. She remembered it being a gray pegasus, but the name didn't come to her.
But Rainbow had no reason to lie to her, unless she was having trouble with something. Unwilling to add any extra stress to herself, Twilight decided that whatever it was, Rainbow Dash would be open about it eventually if it was important enough for everyone to hear.
As if on cue, the teapot let out a high pitched whistle. Twilight extended her arcane influence to her surroundings, levitating multiple objects to prepare the finished drinks.
Content with her work, she brought the cups out to the main room, where Dash was still sitting quietly. Twilight placed the pegasus' tea on a nightstand in front of her, where she accepted it with a small nod. Drinking from her own cup, the unicorn took a moment to study her friend in detail.
Rainbow Dash didn't just look completely exhausted; it dawned on Twilight that she looked... distant. Careful. Anxious to the point that she couldn't even be comfortable in her friend's home. Twilight was obviously concerned, but more than that, curious at what the cyan mare could have been doing the previous night.
But before Twilight could make any assumptions, Rainbow broke the silence. "Do you ever think, Twilight?"
What kind of a question was that? Of course she 'thought'. Everypony did; it was a basic fact of life. "What are you talking about? I think all the time, we all do." Twilight said, cocking her head at the unusual query.
"No, no," Rainbow Dash said, shaking her head. "I mean, do you ever think. About yourself, about the world, about what's really important."
Twilight shuffled her hooves in thought. "No, I guess not. I've always been content with just living life as it comes to me. Why so cryptic all of a sudden? This isn't like you at all."
Rainbow Dash didn't answer. Instead, she simply turned to stare out of the window. She held that pose for awhile, taking in the morning view before letting out a long, pained sigh.
The sound of it made Twilight's lip quiver; she had never been put into this kind of situation before. But that sound... that terrible, defeated sigh. It made her stomach twist in pain. There had to be something she could do.
Before she had the chance, Rainbow Dash got up from the couch and walked over towards the library exit. "Thank you for the tea," she said politely as she opened the door, taking her leave without waiting for Twilight to respond.
The lavender mare watched the door swing back and forth before clicking shut. An uncomfortable, still silence quickly engulfed the entire library as she took a moment to consider what had just happened.
She needs a friend, Twilight concluded.
-~{>L<}~-
"Twilight, dinner's ready!" Spike called.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was even the best meal Twilight would ever eat in her life, but tonight, she had no appetite at all. The morning's events still hung over her, occupying every thought process she could form. It wasn't voluntary; the unicorn had tried to get her mind off of Rainbow Dash, but she knew that there was something she had to do. She couldn't just sit here locked in her room all day.
That utter look of despair. What could possibly cause that out of nowhere? Just yesterday had Dash been at her door, eager to jump into the first chapter of Daring Do and the Keepers of the Seventh Gem. But now? Now the pegasus was just a drained, exhausted, empty shell of what she had been.
It wasn't Twilight's place, but... maybe talking to her was the best idea. How much could possibly be made worse by simply asking if she was okay? Worst case scenario, Rainbow Dash doesn't want to talk about it, and the unicorn is asked to leave.
"Twilight!"
But it was nothing to starve over, especially seeing as she was pleased with that decision. "Coming!" she finally answered, making her way down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Twilight's heart skipped a beat when she looked up at the clock. "Eleven...?" she asked obliviously. "I've been up there for the entire day?"
"Yeah," Spike answered. "I didn't even hear you writing. What were you doing up there anyways?"
Do you ever think, Twilight?
What are you talking about? I think all the time, we all do.
I mean, do you ever think. About yourself, about the world, about what's really important.
"... Thinking." Twilight replied.
"Well, I made soup," the dragon announced, placing two bowls of bubbling green liquid on the table. "It's your favorite, daisy stalk chowder."
The lavender mare took her seat and began eating, albeit not as exuberantly as her reptilian companion. Though hunger wasn't an option, she still wasn't in the mood to drink her entire meal in one gulp. Even if it did happen to be the best meal Twilight would ever eat in her life.
The irony wasn't lost on her, and for a moment she laughed, much to the confusion of Spike.
He stared at her incredulously. "What's so funny?" he asked, raising his lack of an eyebrow.
"Nothing," she replied, waving him off with a hoof.
Before Spike could insist on getting more information out of the unicorn, there was a loud knocking on the door. Twilight smiled; for once she knew exactly who it was, and this time, she was going to set things right with Rainbow Dash.
Twilight walked over to the door, pushing it open. "I'm glad you came back, Da-"
The unicorn cut herself off as she noticed that standing in front of her wasn't the rainbow-maned pegasus. Instead, the pathetic-looking colt from earlier that morning, giving her a sheepish smile. Twilight worked her mouth for a minute, but eventually her sense returned to her. "Envelope? What are you doing here so late?" she asked.
"Well," he began, poking around his saddle bags to find a small, rectangular package. "This came in early, so I thought you'd like to have it now instead of tomorrow."
Twilight's eyes lit up. This was perfect; she could bring the book over and give it to Rainbow. This would surely cheer the pegasus up, just a little if anything. Much to the mail colt's surprise, the unicorn jumped out of her house and trapped him in a bear hug.
"Thank you thank you thank you thankyouthankyou-"
"Can't... breathe..." Envelope muttered, gagging under the force of Twilight's hooves.
Upon seeing his distress, she released her grip. "Sorry. But you have no idea how much you've helped me."
"Anytime, miss Spar-"
"Gotta go bye!" Twilight quickly shouted as she ran out of the door, leaving one very confused colt in her wake.
-~{>L<}~-
As her balloon closed in on Rainbow Dash's flying mansion, Twilight focused her energy on her hooves, feeling a quick, sharp pain shoot through them as her cloud walking spell took effect.
It had been a long time since the unicorn had any reason to cast this spell, and to say the least, she obviously didn't like doing it that often. But for this occasion, it was well worth it.
Landing softly on Rainbow's cloud home, Twilight hopped out of the balloon and took a moment to consider the situation. The pegasus had looked terribly desperate and tired, so Twilight truly needed to prepare herself for the worst. Whatever was bothering dash was bad, really bad.
What if it involved her friends?
What if it involved her?
Had someone hurt Dash?
The questions kept rolling in, but the unicorn dismissed them all. She was going to give Rainbow Dash the book, and they were going to talk it all out. She walked up to her friend's marble door, pushing it open. It was right then that Twilight knew Dash would come out of this, and that everything was going to be okay.
But sometimes, the world just doesn't want to cut you a break.
At first, Twilight didn't process it. She didn't recognize it. It was wrong, a joke played on her. A sick joke that could only be realized in a fully black spectrum of existence - a spectrum she couldn't be on. A dimension she wasn't a part of, one she had only wandered into accidentally.
But if that were the case...
Why was it so real?
The unicorn dropped the book, walking slowly towards Rainbow Dash's bedside. On the floor, the cyan mare lay silent and still. There was no blood or rope, no debris or weapon, nothing. There was nothing to explain this for what it was.
Yet it was, nonetheless.
Acting on impulse, Twilight extended a hoof to check for signs of life. A heartbeat, a slow breath, anything. Reality set in as she was greeted with electrifying stillness and deafening silence. It burned in the mare's mind, and in turn, she clutched her head in pain.
Twilight had understood the phenomenon of blurred vision and dulled perception in times of extreme emotional stress, but she had never expected to go into shock. She had never expected to feel nonexistent.
Yes, that was the word. Nonexistent. She felt as a spectator, watching this portion of her life be played out for her; a front row seat to her unwanted, indescribable piece of the world. But the theater was cheap. There was no noise, and the sight blended into the background. It was forced, but at the same time, restrained. A contradiction that caused it to look deformed, which in hindsight, was a perfect way to describe it.
Hours seemed to pass as her search for any signs of hope failed to turn up any results. At this point, her vision began to realign into focus. She saw clearly, more clearly than she had seen in her life, but what she heard... that was truly torturous.
Ticking. She hadn't noticed it before. A grandfather clock, a hoof watch, anything. Ticking. Close yet so far, mocking her as if to tell her that time was moving by, that she only had so long to make a move. As if to tell her that she could escape, as if to tell her she could change the course of events, but only if she did it right now.
She knew better, though. The clocks were a lie, and now was far too late.
Twilight let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding as she got up from the floor. Surveying the scene before her a second time, now with more accurate perception, everything seemed to click into place.
On Rainbow's night stand sat an opened bottle of white pills and a note. Drawing obvious conclusions, the unicorn sighed. She hadn't cried as of now. She didn't feel sorrow, or pain, or grief. Empty. Numb. Those were the only words she could use to describe it. She felt nothing now.
Twilight didn't want to read the note, but it was inevitable, so she decided to bite the bullet and get it over with. Swallowing a lump that had formed in her throat, Twilight formed an aura around the letter, bringing it closer to her muzzle.
So this is it, huh?
I guess that isn't how you expected me to start this. Honestly, I don't even know who I'm addressing. As of now, I don't care. You probably want some sort of apology, or explanation, so I'll give it my best shot.
Earlier today, I went to visit one of my friends,
Twilight coughed, her stomach jerking up into her throat.
And while I was there, I asked her if she thought about life. She didn't, and that was okay. It was actually what I expected. We're all so young, and that feeling of invincibility we have... It makes us ignorant to those kinds of thoughts. Makes us want to avoid them.
But I can't. I've never been able to. That's why I put on a brave face and feigned superiority, pretended to be confident to reinforce that same invincibility within myself. Needless to say, it didn't work. Perhaps confidence is just that, though. The ability to superimpose a falsity upon yourself and wear it as all that you are. To live by ambition.
In the end though, it's just that. A falsity. A mask, a facade, whatever you want to call it. That's why anyone who knows me wouldn't understand this writing, it makes no sense. I've never spoken of myself as one with words, but I guess for something to stick out, another thing must be ignored for balance to be maintained.
"The calligraphy... the articulacy... this is beautiful," Twilight said to herself, only to realize just what exactly she was complimenting.
At that point she lost it, turning from Rainbow's note to vomit. Dry heaving, the unicorn composed herself, but not without consequence. She was absolutely, utterly disgusted with herself. This was so sick, so wrong, so perverted...
And she thought of it as beauty.
I think I'm getting off topic. This may seem out of nowhere, or unexplained, but it isn't. If anything caused me to be like this, I can't remember what it was. But only recently, only just a few months ago did I truly realize how severe I had a problem.
The blind fear and insecurity, the crippling thought of being hated and marked a failure. The day of the Best Young Flier's Competition. I understand that stage fright is common, but...
... I almost killed her. I was so obsessed with myself. I had lived in Cloudsdale my entire life, I knew exactly what would happen if she had gone up and done the act she was planning to do. But I was preoccupied, too preoccupied to explain that fact. Too preoccupied with a falsity.
I refuse to let that happen again.
"What?" Twilight asked no one, turning the parchment around several times before throwing it on the ground. "That's it? That can't be it."
How could Dash have stopped on that? The letter barely explained a thing, it just ends without making any sense at all. Confused, Twilight took a moment to desperately search the room for a second note, only to find nothing of the sort. Frustrated, Twilight lifted up the original paper with her magic and sent a flame through it, incinerating the note to ashes.
"Stupid mare," she accused, looking back down on the still body of Rainbow Dash. "Stupid, stupid mare."
Completely drained and out of options, Twilight lied down next to the cyan pegasus, wrapping a lavender hoof around her body. She was cold, ever so cold, but the unicorn didn't mind. Exhausted and ripped of emotions, Twilight placed her head on Dash's, giving the other pony a gentle nuzzle.
As they lay there, Twilight heard one last thought enter her head before falling asleep. One last destructive, dangerous, horrible thought. One thought that would alter the course of Twilight's life for longer than she would have ever wanted it to.
I could have stopped this...
-~{>L<}~-
Twilight kicked open the library door to enter, and not longer after, slammed it back shut. The sudden noise woke a sleeping baby dragon, who instead of being up in his room, had been passed out on the couch. He had dark circles under his eyes, indicating his concern and fatigue.
Noting the entrance of the lavender unicorn, Spike jumped up and pointed an accusatory claw at her. "Where in Equestria have you been!?" he shouted at her. "You never told me where you were going, and I was up all ni..."
Spike's mouth stopped working as he took a better look at the mare before him. Her eyes burned red, her fur was standing on end, and her hoof looked crushed and bloody from where it had impacted the door.
"Twilight..." the dragon began, suddenly very remorseful about his recent actions. "What... what happened to you?"
"Take a letter Spike," she said in a cold tone, ignoring his question. "Now."
Afraid of what could happen should he disobey, he picked up a scroll and quill, motioning for Twilight to continue. She took a breath, trying to calm herself as she made the hardest announcement she ever had.
It was ten. Ten in the morning. She had slept at Rainbow Dash's all night, a memory she knew now would haunt her for the rest of her life. If she hadn't hated herself enough before this, sleeping next to the carcass of one of your best friends didn't help much at all.
The sad part was, that wasn't even the worst of it. Very soon if not today, her friends may try and convince her otherwise, but there was one absolute truth. This could have been prevented, and Twilight was the pony who could have prevented it. She had seen the despair on Rainbow's face with her own eyes, and what did she do about it?
Nothing.
She wanted to die. For the first time in her life, Twilight wanted to die. She was too overwhelmed to maintain any form of stability, and that scared her. When she tried to imagine her future, she saw nothing. She couldn't picture it. It was black and empty, and that scared her.
But she didn't have the luxury of death; it would only place a larger burden on the shoulders of everyone else, an unnecessary addition to the currently unknown pain they all possessed. It made her wonder for a moment, if she had actually been the first in that room. If anyone else had seen that and just ran. Just ran like she should have.
In her heart, she knew it wasn't true. The world wasn't that kind to her, and this was her guilt to carry, hers alone.
So how was she supposed to share that?
"Dear Pri..."
No, she couldn't start it off like that. It couldn't be another student to teacher letter. This was different, this was important, and all titles they previously owned were now completely irrelevant. Celestia was no longer Twilight's mentor, or ruler, she was just someone the unicorn needed to speak to right now.
"Celestia," she began, more content with her greeting. "Your immediate presence is requested outside of Ponyville Library."
Spike scribbled the message as fast as he could, looking up at Twilight as he sent it with a small breath of green fire. "What's all this about, Twilight?"
The lavender mare exited the library, once again ignoring the dragon's question completely. There was so much on her mind, so much that Spike wasn't ready to hear right now. So much that only one pony in the entire country could handle it as it was.
With a flash of bright white light, that particular pony had arrived. Twilight felt electrified as the alicorn's powerful magic surged through her, igniting every vein in her body. She looked above her, where the source of it was hovering regally. Gliding down to the soft cut grass, Princess Celestia turned to the unicorn.
"Twilight, what is the meaning of... oh my," She said, only then noticing her student's physical condition. "What is going on here?"
Twilight didn't answer. Instead, she simply walked towards her balloon and gestured for Celestia to enter. The alicorn did as instructed as Twilight lit up the balloon, sending it afloat.
For awhile, they stood in silence. Twilight wasn't looking at Celestia, and she hoped that the alicorn didn't see how troubled she really was. Knowing the princess, however, she probably knew very well what was going on, or at least what emotions were cascading within the lavender mare. But Twilight had called her here for a reason, and she needed to speak.
"Celestia," Twilight began, turning towards the alicorn, who looked a little surprised at the informal address. "I need you to promise me something."
The alabaster mare looked puzzled, but nodded anyways. "Anything, my faithful student."
"No," she corrected, causing even more confusion with her teacher. "I need you to promise me something, and I need you to keep this promise for as long as you live."
The cold, grave tone Twilight took almost caused the alicorn to flinch, and she would have had she not experienced pressuring situations for thousands of years. Celestia nodded again, but this time, kept her silence. Whatever words she could have said wouldn't change much.
"I will one day fall," Twilight started, looking out of the balloon towards a marble house which was growing ever closer. "And leave you a phantom. I need to know that you will accept me for what I was, and move on. Unlike Luna, I won't get a second chance, and I won't be returning."
When the unicorn paused for Celestia to speak, she was utterly lost. It was taking all of her energy to keep a straight face, much less form discernible thoughts. But, the words eventually came to her. "Twilight... Why are you on such a dark topic?"
Arriving at Rainbow Dash's mansion, Twilight landed the balloon and stepped out onto the clouds. The air around this place was still, and a sense of absolute dread hung over her. A familiar twisting knot in her stomach formed, causing her to flex her hoof in pain. This response to the environment wasn't lost on Celestia, who gently prodded the unicorn with her muzzle.
It was now or never. Twilight breathed in slowly, tasting the rotting aura of death on her tongue. Sickened, the mare considered cutting her losses and turning around, but it was already too late for that. Extending a hoof, she once again pushed open the marble door, revealing the scene she hoped to never look at again.
"Oh no..." Celestia commented as she cantered towards Rainbow Dash, checking for signs of life just as Twilight had. Suddenly overcome with a mix of emotions, Twilight laughed bitterly at the familiar scene and shook her head.
"How long has she been like this?" the alicorn asked.
"An entire day at least," the lavender mare answered, her cold monotone showing no indication of changing. "I came over last night."
Celestia studied the body for a moment longer before rising and walking over towards her student. She began to speak to the unicorn, curiosity overpowering her mind. "Who told you what happened? A friend? The Ponyville guard? A nei..." the alicorn stopped speaking as she watched Twilight close her eyes, and let out a pained sigh.
Then the reality of everything hit Celestia like a train.
"You... You found her like this..." she said, more to herself than Twilight.
"I could have foreseen it," Twilight admitted, ashamed and disgusted with herself. "She came to me yesterday. She came to me yesterday in the worst shape of her life, and what did I do? I ignored it. I let her walk out, I allowed this to happen. Rainbow Dash is dead, and it is my fault."
Celestia knelt down to the unicorn, feeling her rage as it emanated from her body. Twilight was impossibly powerful, and whatever she felt was forced upon every other being. In this situation... It was far from pleasant.
The alicorn had to say something, or the consequences would be devastating. "No, this isn't your fault, Twilight. You had no idea, you could have never seen this com-"
"Do you ever think, Celestia?" Twilight interrupted, catching the white mare off guard.
"I... What?"
"I asked, do you ever think?" the unicorn repeated, albeit louder than the first time. "About yourself, about the world, about what's really important."
No, I guess not. I've always been content with just living life as it comes to me. Why so cryptic all of a sudden? This isn't like you at all.
"I have lived for eons, Twilight, of course I think about bigger things," Celestia answered dismissively, unhappy with the change of subject. "I know you're in pain, but I've never seen you talk like this... so dark... so..."
"So cryptic?" Twilight asked, completing the mare's sentence.
Celestia nodded. "Twilight, did she say anything? Before she... went?"
Thank you for the tea.
"No, she left a note," Twilight said, until now having hid the memories of the accursed thing. "But I burned it. It made no sense. It wasn't emotional, or anything. It didn't even explain why. She couldn't tell me why."
Twilight felt her eyes burn. She couldn't deal with this, she couldn't cry in front of her teacher. She wasn't going to give Celestia the burden of seeing this, she was a stronger mare. She cared too much, and she had to detach herself. She had to fix things before anyone else could see her as she was.
"My faithful student," Celestia started, wrapping a wing around Twilight. "Please, come back home with me. You shouldn't be here right now."
"I don't need to uproot my life for this," she said. "I am not a filly anymore."
The alicorn nuzzled her student gently. "Age doesn't matter, Twilight. We all feel sorrow. Come home, please. For me."
Twilight stepped out of the alicorn's wing, making her way for the mansion's only exit. "I'm not going to Canterlot. I owe her more than that, I have to host her funeral."
"And then what?" Celestia asked in a harsh tone, startling the unicorn. "You never think these things through! You're going to wallow in self pity and ruin your life for this!"
"No I won't," Twilight shot back. "You don't know me as well as you think you do."
Celestia shook her head. "Is that so? Think about when Discord showed up. You had turned against all your friends, and there was no hope for your victory whatsoever."
"I would have figured something out," Twilight argued.
"No," the alicorn corrected. "If I hadn't sent your friendship letters back to you, this entire country would be in ruins!"
For what seemed like hours, they sat in silence. Twilight had yet to face Celestia, who was now sweating from the tension that formed within the room. The alicorn looked back and forth between her student, and the still body of one of her best friends. Realizing the stress that the unicorn must have been under, Celestia swallowed her pride.
"Twilight, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I just-"
"No," the unicorn said, cutting her off. "No, no, no. You don't get to do that. You don't get to talk to me like that."
Twilight turned around violently to face her mentor. "Just who in Equestria do you think you a..."
But Twilight was no longer in the presence of Celestia. Standing before her, proud and tall as she had ever been, was Rainbow Dash. But there was a key difference between her and what she used to be. She looked older, more graceful, more... alive.
Once again, the irony wasn't lost. But this time, there was no laughter from either pony.
The background seemed to fade out as the cyan mare spoke. "What are you doing, Twilight?"
"H-How are y-you here?" she asked, backing up as far as she could into the void. "You... You're supposed to be dead."
Twilight was absolutely terrified, something that didn't pass over Dash lightly. She walked to the unicorn and put a comforting hoof on her shoulder. "Maybe so. But you obviously are seeing me for a reason, even if I'm not real."
The lavender mare looked at her friend in confusion. "But... Why?"
"Twilight. The second you start blaming yourself for other ponies' deaths...You lose yourself in the process."
She didn't know why. She didn't know how it came about. But hearing this didn't help the unicorn, it didn't bring her peace, it infuriated her. It made her more angry than she had ever been in her life.
"You want to give me advice!?" she screamed, shoving Rainbow Dash off of her shoulder. "You didn't have to go and do this! You didn't have to die!"
"I did."
"Who are you to go and do this to me!?" she asked, her emotions reaching their peak. "Just who in Equestria do you think you are!?"
"I think I'm somepony who loves you very much, Twilight," Celestia said, holding the unicorn in her hooves.
Twilight gasped, looking around the room to see no sign of a living Dash, only the lifeless body lying next to the bed. It was too much. She didn't care who saw anymore, but for the first time since finding Dash, she cried.
Hot tears fell to the floor as the lavender mare sobbed violently, pushing on her temples as she did so.
It was painful to the point where it frightened Celestia. "Twilight... Are you-"
"No," she said in between sobs. "I'm not okay."
"Shh," Celestia said, rocking the unicorn back and forth. "Everything will be fine."
For the first time in her life, Twilight didn't believe her. She didn't believe the one pony who had taught her everything she knows. Celestia may be wise, but this was something that even she couldn't have possibly dealt with. The unicorn was so scared, confused, and shaken to the point where she couldn't even function.
"I need help," Twilight said. "I can't do this."
Celestia ran a hoof through her students mane, shushing her as she did so. "And you'll get it. You're going to be okay, Twilight. I won't let anyone else hurt you."
-~{>L<}~-
With a scream that had been long repressed, the lavender mare picked up the book in her mouth and threw it at the mirror, shattering it.
But when she whipped her head around to face her accuser, she was met with only the emptiness of Celestia's bedroom. Twilight let out a second shout, slamming her hoof on the ground as she fell to her knees. There was no one there. There had never been anyone there.
She was alone.
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At some level I wasn't sure I had, this scares me.
If your next question is "Was this story effective?" the answer is "More than you probably imagined."
I'm reading this later.
Heavy stuff. Well written though. I give you five out of five crying fluttershys.
1112497
I am pretty sure I had, despite the feels, a total braingasm. Hi Dusty!
This is an important story, LunaUsesCaps. Make no mistake about it. Consider yourself followed.
As someone who was dealt with this particular topic in real life, this story really got to me. It took me a moment to realize what had happened at the beginning of the story, and once you understand the scene, it really speaks towards Twilight's mental state. Rainbow's note really echoed a common idea regarding the world of ponies, that they're perfect or infallible. Here we see just how wrong that is. Even Celestia showed a bit of an emotional outbreak, something so rare for her, even in fan fiction. But most importantly for me, were Twilight's feelings of "I could have stopped it." To know that level of heartbreak and sorrow, it's almost unbearable. This is an amazing story sir.
Quite a powerful read. Very effective.
Hmm.....not sure if I like this, I dont usually like stories where one of the mane 6 dies, but being everfaithful to stories i read, I will follow this.
Wow. This was... confusing. I feel like nothing has been resolved. What happened? Did Twilight ever get over her grief? I'm totally confused!
Still, very good writing, and all the characters stay in character, which is good indeed.
encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSuJ1i0xJdqNefJZFOSBbSzK1LEx03jrKWEKUBpyubgmpQ0-azg
1112620 The beauty of this is exactly that. Sometimes our grief is never truly resolved, and whether the author meant for that to be intentional or not, I think it really adds to the tone of the fic over all.
This was really good and just the perfect amount of writing as well.
Oh my Celestia. Take my feels. Take my thumbs. That story touched me deep down, and I thank you for writing this
Pretty sure I preread this..
I am going to guess you wrote this for personal reasons. That said I would pick OCs in the future for this purpose or make more of an effort to keep the characters you use in character.
Rainbow Dash had absolutely no resemblance to her canon/fandom personality. You could have replaced her with any generic pony without anyone even noticing.
Twilight at least was mostly in character except for just letting Rainbow walk away. A shrug of the shoulders doesn't seem a likely response.
oh god this is deep
Good story!
There were some great emotional moments in this. Truly well-done. Seeing Rainbow's letter was an interesting take on how she acts and who she really is. Good stuff all-around.
Very well done.
This is one of the best stories I have ever read. Thank you for writing this Luna, Thank you.
1112793 The point was that it was out of character for rainbow. That was what made it so shocking, the utter change in who she was, the crumbling of her confident facade was why Rainbow was the only character that would work.
I saw Rainbow's suicide coming the moment she didn't react.
That only made the impact worse.
Oh look, there it goes.
My self confidence.
One hour, now that was the fastest damn feature I've ever gotten lmfao.
That was... dark.
Y'know, it seems that this story is incomplete. Officially, the seven stages of grief end with acceptance & hope. It seems Twilight just gets hung up on #5...
This story...hit home.
Please excuse me now, I have a book of memories to look through.
1113030
There is out of character and there is a complete shift in speech patterns. If you wouldn't recognize a character if the name given was swapped out that is no longer out of character. That is now another character wearing an established name.
Damn...
1113101 I think that's the point. The resolution is that there is none. The reader forms their own ideas of what might happen to Twilight. I myself have my own opinion, based on some possible foreshadowing in the last few paragraphs.
Sad Fluttershy approves.
Powerful.
1113361 I disagree. This was not taking away the character, it was suggesting that something more lay underneath. Yes the speech patterns were changed, but that was the point. This suggested that the speech she adopted among ponies was different than what she could have. That the rainbow dash we're familiar with was but a mask over the face of the one we met in the story. It was out of character, but to me, it seemed that the point was that the character we were used to was the brash surface of a very deep individual. Thus, it had to be Rainbow Dash. That is also why I say it is out of character as opposed to "a character wearing an established name".
1113566 Think "the ghost of Rainbow Dash's memory haunting Twilight after all is said and done". The beginning takes place way after the end.
1113566
I'm pretty sure that's Twilight hallucinating RD. She was having emotional problems because of RD's suicide and the beginning and end are Twilight in Canterlot staring in a mirror talking with RD who she is hallucinating.
1112793 Gonna have to agree somewhat with you on this one.
First off, I liked most everything about the story. The prose was good, the style wasn't overly flowery while providing accurate and tone setting description at the same time. Varied word choice and a good grasp of tense were also key. If there is one thing I do take issue with, it's characterization.
Now as you know, ponies and grimdark are sometimes a hard thing to bring together believably. For the most part, I think you've done a good job of doing that. My issue lies with Rainbow Dash's sudden articulate-ness in her note. Of course in order to explain why the most confident pegasus in Equestria would do something like this, you'd need an explanation (wow I felt dumb typing that). But the type of explanation given (the idea that Rainbow Dash could just be acting, and is actually much deeper than she appears) is the same type that could be used on a story like cupcakes. Could Pinkie actually be a deranged murderous lunatic? I guess, but there's no evidence (canon wise) to support that. Could Rainbow Dash have just up and kill herself out of the blue one day? I suppose anyone could, but the story didn't really give much substance in regards to why.
The whole failure thing didn't sit right with me, because she ended up winning the BYF competition, has met with her idols more than once, and led the pegasi to do that water tornado thing that one time. Other than me being over-analytic, this was a good fic and deserves it's place on the box, so have a thumb.
Nobody sees the signs of depression and everybody blames themselves. This story is probably the closest to what would be a real world senario and that terrifies me to no end so congratulations I guess
1113524
Hate to interrupt, but I feel like I have something to add here.
This argument seems to to be a case of the cart pulling the horse.
With a longer story, where we see the character both in mask and out, and maybe see that mask slip or change over time, then it would be characterization, adding depth to a character that already existed.
I don't doubt, based on the way the story was presented that the author probably was trying to do what you suggest, but I don't feel it really worked. It comes off as lazy writing much more than it does as deliberate characterization. The story works because the emotional gut punch doesn't rely on the death being Rainbow Dash's at all. As long as we see Twilight experiencing lost, and fighting with her mentor about the mortality and blame, the story functions fine - the story functions equally well if the suicide was one of her other friends, or Zecora, or with only minor modifications her mother or brother - anyone she cares about. We are asked to accept by fiat that Twilight cares for Blank Pegasus X, and given that it is within her character to do so, it doesn't pose a problem.
This comes up as much harsh than it really was meant to be.
this hit home...real hard...
1113874 I think it works much better with Dash though. The seemingly brash, arrogant, and shallow friend having hidden depths and emotional issues hits much harder than the other characters would.
God DAMN YOU FEELERS. THIS STORY IS TOO EFFECTIVE. GLOOMY SUNDAY ALL OVER AGAIN,
You know I was about to get angry that you had used your time to create this story rather than continue Athanasia, but then I read it. I then thought that this is one of the saddest stories I ever read.
So, I completely forgive you because you still created an awesome story. In other words, time well spent.
Im depressed
*suicides*
instant fav
I've been fortunate enough in life so far that I haven't had to deal with a situation like this. That said, this story was really moving and I think it had the perfect pace and structure to really get the message across.
I also think this story ended perfectly. If you would have included more stages of recovery it would have dragged on for another few thousand words, and I'm glad you didn't include the cliche "5 years later Twilight visits Dash's grave to put an orchid and origami figure near it revealing that Twilight was the Origami killer all along!"
1113909
How about Rarity?
She's on top of the world, high contacts in her career, and she's arrogant, confident, smart, and capable. Her life is perfect, right?
How about Pinky?
She's so damned happy, and is a walking talking party trying to cheer everyone up. She would never bring sadness to everypony by killing herself... right?
Fluttershy?
So kind, so caring, everyone's feeling always come before hers. She couldn't hurt everypony, right?
Applejack?
She's cheerful, determined, and hard working. She has responsibilities, dependents, ponies counting on her, the most dependable of ponies. She couldn't let everypony down right?
How about TRIXY?
The seemingly brash, arrogant, and shallow pony could have hidden depths and emotional issues, right? Given that twilight let her run off, she would even probably feel guilty if something were to happen to her.
This is easy. I can go on all day. Any character can have "hidden depths" if you give them to them. Every pony, including Rainbow Dash, has also shown some level of vulnerability that, if exaggerated enough, could be a good basis for suicidal depression.
and 
both have their performance anxiety and perfectionism, and get depressed when they don't live up to their potential. 
and 
are both arguably bipolar, and have gotten very, very depressed at points in the show. Even 
has multiple times depressed herself to the point she collapsed, frustrated from being unable to keep up with the weight of her conflicting promises and responsibilities
I'm sorry, but I don't buy it.
1114109
Rarity being a depressed artist would not shock me.
Pinky already showed her insane colors if you recall.
Fluttershy is only an emotional mess, she would probably be the least shockng one, what with her self worth and confidence issues.
Applejack would be surprising considering her upbringing and beliefs, as opposed to Rainbow, who's upbringing we know little about.
Trixie really isn't relevant, but it seemed very likely that she was over compensating for self doubt with her callous exterior.
I say Rainbow dash is the best because unlike Trixie, she seems stable, unlike applejack, she shows little depth, unlike fluttershy, she is seemingly confident, unlike pinkie pie, she seems generally stable, unlike rarity, she does not seem to externalize her problems.
I really do think she was the best choice.
Wow, this was a really powerful story, great read. Although, I have to ask you something: At the very, VERY end, when it says Twilight's in Celestia's room and she was alone the entire time, what does that mean? Like, nobody was ever there, and Canterlot was an abandoned old nothing where a single mare, gone insane from being abandoned in this town alone, sat crying endlessly about the death of a friend she never had?
I doubt it, but if so, I applaud you for an utterly horrifying ending.
Mustache for you, my good man.
you do not know how depressed this made me, considering in my opinion rd is best pony. you killing her off made me shed tears, not manly tears... full on tears. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!
R.I.P RD you will be missed
1114109
Perhaps the problem is that you haven't come to grips with the illusion of being sold anything. As if you weren't going to already click the link for this story.
Or maybe I shouldn't type while to all appearances being sloshed. I dunno, masks under masks under masks, so on and so forth.
1114195
I find myself curious if you've watched the same episodes I have. In Sonic Rainbow, she is put through basically an anxiety attack by the idea that she might not be good enough. In Mysterious Mare Do-well she basically does the exact same thing. It may be a little bit of a stretch, but her drastic reaction to not being superior to Applejack in their contest and her anger and indignation at being called on her cheating can serve as a third example of the same behavior.
Rainbow being drastically insecure and depressed, and compensating for it with bravado, would not shock me.
BUT, I feel like we're still kind of behaving like two ships passing in the dark. I'm not actually saying that Rainbow isn't the best subject for being a shocking suicide, which is what your insisting. I don't have any problem with that assertion.
Where I take issue is with the black characterization of Rainbow Dash. We only see a depressed shell of herself, who is somehow more eloquent and more philosophical. We are given no explanation of whether she was holding back on her vocabulary earlier, or chose to simplify her speech pattern, or chose to behave more simply to fit in or something. My point is that without that extra characterization, one pony works as well as the next in this specific story.
1114316
I'm afraid I don't follow you. Can you explain or rephrase that?
God... this story.... the feels.... I feel physically sick now.... I'm going to go cry in a corner until I stop feeling depressed now.