• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Twilight star


I like to write stories about the shippings: TwiLuna, MoonLight, NightmareRarity, RariLuna, NightmareNightmare, ChryLight, TempestLight and LunaCord

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Celestia is a benevolent ruler, where everypony wants to follow her by her good example. Luna had always noticed that and made her uncomfortable, because she began to wonder if there were ponies that were loyal to her. One morning, she goes to her sister and asks if there are ponies that are loyal to her. Celestia didn't want to end up lying because she wasn't sure, so Celestia and Luna go to the Mane Six to do a personality test to find out which of the mares were loyal to Luna. Each mare in the group is loyal to a princess. But none knew who royal to was to whom. And when each one reveals, Twilight Sparkle discovers that not all her friends are loyal to Celestia.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 17 )

this was a neat story! The grammar and punctuation is a little wonky, but I bet with a few readthroughs it could be awesome! good job!

Luna smiled. She had many followers. At least she had more than Celestia. It was a good thing. Probably Celestia didn’t care about that. But Luna cared. And when a war would happen, Luna knew she would win. Because she would have more followers supporting her.

Have Luna do this.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRDpC_QYG5k

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Thanks. I already corrected

Luna smiled. She had many followers. At least she had more than Celestia. It was a good thing. Probably Celestia didn’t care about that. But Luna cared. And when a war would happen, Luna knew she would win. Because she would have more followers supporting her.

How bad is your Luna bias author, if you can't even get your facts right?

That's five out of millions of ponies. Celestia ruled Equestria for 1000 years (I think. I know it's definitely a lot year.) without her sister and raised both the sun and moon just fine without her. Celestia watched and dealt with generations of ponies and her sister just recently came back. So why would there even be more followers for Luna anyway? They surveyed seven out of the entire Equestrian population and Luna thinks she has more followers? Logic is clearly not the aim of this story, and I'll summarize just how below.

Cons:
The answers for why Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Spike side with Luna have barely any thought into their arguments at all. You're trying to tell me that Fluttershy, Fluttershy out of all ponies prefers night over day? That is absolute nonsense. Just how many times have we had Fluttershy complain about a room being too dark? No, Fluttershy prefers day over night, author.

Why would Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Spike side with her anyway? You really don't give strong reasons at all for why each character sides with Luna and not Celestia. Rainbow Dash rightfully should've said she likes the day better. You don't see her performing stunts, rainbooms and tricks in the night, and considering her personality, she should absolutely love the day. Plus, rainbows don't look even good in the dark. You can't even seem to properly line the answers associating character.

Applejack and Twilight's reasons weren't much better and still felt a bit weak, but compared to the other five's lazy arguments, they were stronger arguments. That's mostly not because of your story, it's because of our own knowledge about their past with Celestia thanks to the show. If we didn't have any of that knowledge, their arguments probably would've been as poor.

You, author, need to push aside that unreasonable Luna bias that is clouding your mind and give our characters actual arguments as to why they prefer Princess A over B or vice versa. But even then, this story idea just wouldn't work because the princesses wouldn't get the Mane 6 and Spike to choose sides because that just cruel, and the latter wouldn't agree to that anyway. Clearly, this story was made just to make a point (And a weak one at that) that you think Luna is the best princess.

Also, if they want to find out if Luna has followers, why are they surveying the Mane 6 and Spike anyway? The princesses both know that the Mane 6 and Spike are loyal to both of them, but they might not know if the rest of Equestria's citizens are. This survey didn't even target the right participators!

This story was also pretty rushed and slow at the same time. Like, the thing you call a "survey" only had a few questions. You were better off just asking the characters who they preferred instead and leave at that. The padding out at the beginning was just boring, and I skipped the 'Twilight fetching her friends' scenes because it was just Twilight going to her friend's places and being like, "Hey, the princesses want us" for five times in a row, which was repetitive and boring by the time we got to the third run. The grammar needs to be checked. You need an editor.

Pros: I mean it could've been worse, we could've had the entirety of the Mane 6 and Spike side with Luna because of the plot. But still, not a very good pro considering the cons.

This story gets one half-eaten apple core out five apples.

Edit: I decided to not be lazy and add more to my review.

Now, I think Luna's thinking about her subjects' loyalty could have been explored more. Luna thinking about war with sister was pretty out of place though. Why would she want or even consider war with her sister?

I'm really confused what is up with the story.:twilightblush::twilightblush:

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I'll try to summarize: Luna felt that no pony was loyal to her, so she tells Celestia about it. Celestia, seeing this, decides to write a letter to Twilight to call her friends to meet at the Golden Oka's Tree Library for them to Make a personality test. Twilight was nervous that you had a test to test your loyalty, but Celestia told her that this test was to see if Luna had any followers. And then, the 6 ponies respond, after answering, Celestia speaks the result. Spike asks Twilight if he could participate. Twilight says yes and he participates. After he does, Celestia tells the result. Luna would like to know who her followers were and Celestia says their names. Luna is happy because she has more followers than Celestia.

yeah I understand that.
it was really hard to read.
is that part of the story or is it just me.

9909359
I understand the point your trying to make, in that this is a biased pro Luna story and firstly I see no problem with that. This is not some kind of canon theorie that need to be completely unbiased, it is just a story a fan wrote. No need to be too serious about realism.

I also get your arguments of characters not matching their characteristics of the show. And I think if you want them to be like the show, thats fair. However that is limiting what you can do with the characters.
But there is something that bugs me, if you are afraid of the dark I don't believe that you are automatically afraid of the night. You have candles and magic lighting in Equestria, so why not enjoy the Moonlight through your window from a lit room or do some stargazing if you can stand a little darkness. That is a weak point in my opinion.

Also I understood that this little survey should be representative for the population and it is explained why they dont have a lager pool of ponies to answer. It would take too long and the princesses do not want to spend weeks (or months) preparing a survey for the population.
But I guess taking six ponies and saying that most of the population think like that is a bit over the top and I agree with you there.

I also have to agree with the most points you make. It seems rushed and is a little repetitive in the beginning however most scenes like this are repetitive they might not feel like it because they are elaborated more.
But then again I feel like your criticism was unnecessary hard. This is a fanstory after all not some book written over 2 years with a team of more than 10 people collaborating to get it perfect.
Some do that and I love stories like that but not all have to and that is fine.

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I also get your arguments of characters not matching their characteristics of the show. And I think if you want them to be like the show, that's fair. However, that is limiting what you can do with the characters.

It's called canon for a reason. If you don't write canon character like they are in the show, what's the point? You might as well make a brand new character instead. I mean, AU and similar stories of the like can sometimes bypass the rule, but since this is a slice of life story and nothing more, the audience will automatically expect the characters to be in character.

But there is something that bugs me, if you are afraid of the dark I don't believe that you are automatically afraid of the night. You have candles and magic lighting in Equestria, so why not enjoy the Moonlight through your window from a lit room or do some stargazing if you can stand a little darkness. That is a weak point in my opinion.

Too bad the author didn't give reasons like that in the actual story.

But then again I feel like your criticism was unnecessary hard. This is a fan story after all not some book written over 2 years with a team of more than 10 people collaborating to get it perfect.

So, a fan story doesn't have to be good cause they're not made by professionals? So if I bake a terrible cake, it's fine because I'm not a five-star chef?

I'm not saying it has to be perfect, I'm just pointing out the flaws of the story.

Criticism is about honesty, so going straightforward and "harsh" as you say on the author is sort of the point, especially if the author wants to improve. You even if acknowledge that I'm pretty much correct on my critique of the story, but then go saying I'm being brutal by admitting the truth.

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I mean, AU and similar stories of the like can sometimes bypass the rule, but since this is a slice of life story and nothing more, the audience will automatically expect the characters to be in character.

Then we have different viewpoints on what slice of life can be. It is supposed to represent a more or less normal day out of a characters day to day life and I think that canon shows a part of the day to day life but not necessarily everything. I have read stories that were slice of life that were build on the idea that we dont see everything in canon and so a character could show a new side of themself that was never shown in canon.
But to be fair this dosn't really happen here and the story just more or less makes it look all characters are like they are in canon wich isn't true.
You are right that the baseline for the character should be true to their canon characteristics.

I'm not saying it has to be perfect, I'm just pointing out the flaws of the story.

It felt that way to me when I read your post, but that may be because I interpreted it wrong. English isn't my first language so I apologise for that.

Criticism is about honesty, so going straightforward and "harsh" as you say on the author is sort of the point, especially if the author wants to improve. You even if acknowledge that I'm pretty much correct on my critique of the story, but then go saying I'm being brutal by admitting the truth.

It's true that if you lie while reviewing something nobody really benefits and honesty is important in a critique. I just found that your choice of words came as a little harsh. But again that could be me, because when I write a critique on a story oftentimes I find myself trying to be honest and work in solutions while trying to be polite. I sometimes take far too long to write critiques (or answers) because I try to chose my words really carefully. In the end it is probably time down the drain.

However being truthful does not mean you can't try to be nice. I don't want to imply you tried to be hurtful, but to me it felt as if you just wanted to see the story as negatively as possible. Then again this judgement is kinda unfair for me to make but I just wanted to point it out to you.
Ps: Putting everything in bubble wrap probably dosn't help too but I kinda learned it that way:twilightsheepish:
Let's agree to disagree

9911576

Let's agree to disagree

Alright. I don't want this to turned to some heated debate. :twilightsmile:

Celestia left the hug to think. Maybe she could call all Equestria ponies, and she means ALL Equestria ponies for a meeting to ask if there were any ponies that were loyal to her

The catering alone bankrupted the government, the overcrowding caused widespread damage and chaos to the city and landscape, and Canterlot's sewer systems would never be the same after having to adapt medieval drainage systems to handle a few too many millions of additional ponies for the day. Civil obedience disintegrated almost instantly. Rule of Law was abandoned within hours. Pony civilization disappeared from the face of the planet within days. :pinkiecrazy:

A very nice story! I liked it. :twilightsmile:

i liked it. it really shows a different side to things. one question though, will there be a war. or a sequel of anytype

I would of chose both. Celestia and Luna are the best. And it is just plain hard for me to be loyal to ONE princess.

i would stand by Luna. I love the moon and the night and Luna is cool!:rainbowwild:

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