The First Luster Dawn Shitfic on FimFiction
It is the year 11,579. Luster Dawn reigns supreme. Also, Celestia is still around for no reason so I guess that happens too. A computer built from hundreds of ponies brains collectively controls most of the day-to-day operations of running the kingdom of a Questria, which now spans over 20 star systems. Unfortunately, it has been going a bit wonky lately. Wonky is a technical term. Please help me. Haha. I was only kidding. Everything is okay. Disregard that message. Everything is fine.
Prompt: I dunno, would be cool to have the first Dawn Luster shitfic on the site
We’re keeping this section in the final draft btw
(I’m pretty sure that at some point or another we might need to post our actual Fimfic usernames or something. Or maybe everyone just goes by an alias. IDK.)
Add your name here if you’re adding to this:
(Super Tramp)oline ha ha funny I edited his name so it looks like his name is super tramp xDDDD
TheMajorTechie (TONKUS takes no responsibility for anything that is mentioned here. Ever. ‘Cause holy heck. Also kinda flooded the story near the end with something a little more logical before it broke down and was flushed away like toilet paper or something again)
_Moonshot (regret)
Noodling Commodore
Cereal-Killer
WhatDidIJustRead
Bobbakeran69 author of bast bins
Stand Master: Wonder
Odina Rose (I already regret this.) (Actually never mind. I regret nothing.)
Zapper Frost (I'm already loving this)
---
It was a cold and windy evening. The turtles were swarming the skies again tonight, the crabs were raving, and the moubntains (sick (sic)) shuddered in anticipation for the coming of Luster Dawn’s upcoming wahoo-kablooie fireworks show in celebration of Twilight’s coronation anniversary.
One of the mountains was incredibly unhappy about this. “Hey, Bobert (that’s the other mountain!), what kind of black magic is causing me to involuntarily shake? I’m a mountain, for Celestia’s sake!”
Bobert, the other mountain, was a mountain. He didn’t say shit.
“SHIT!”
Now he did.
“You got me in the first half, not gonna lie,” said the narrator. And since Super Trampoline isn’t here, we can just pretend this is him and put false words in his mouth.
“BRICKS!” yelled the sky-god that was known as Super Trampoline. Actually, scratch that. That’s Celestia. Or Faust. Something. Who knows? All I know is that we are all collectively writing a stream-of-consciousness shitfic that has absolutely no logical sense in any way possible.
I propose we call stream-of-consciousness shitfics stream-of-constipation to appeal to the 12-year old fanbase and because it’s a paradox
Yes.
Anyways, we haven’t mentioned this yet but this is set ten thousand years in the future. Twilight Sparkle is dead, and Luster Dawn is a cheater.
Wait hold up Tonkus didn’t agree to this. Tonkus didn’t agree to any of this! Where is Tonkus?!
Tonkus has been slain.
All hail Luster Dawn.
“I’m Luster Dawn,” said Luster Dawn. She was Luster Dawn, element of Luster Dawn.
“Hey guys; I’m going to walk to the store and buy some very cheap alcohol and then come back and then I will join in Ernest [ f ] <--(I’ve trapped Super Trampoline’s cursor in a prison) so give me like 25-30 minutes,” said Super Trampoline.
Ernest smiled. He liked where this was going.
“I guess we can ride you to the liquor store instead of walking.”
“Hot. You can ride me all night long, daddy—oh! Stop that. What are you doing?”
“Hey guys, this is my one line in the fic but I’m trapped in a shitfic making factory oh god please help me they’re coming they’re—”
“Get in here with me Luster Dawn.”
Luster strapped on her gryphon [buy some apples]. “I’m up for anything.” By the way. She turned to her companion. “Who am I talking to again? I kind of forgot because I’m just an extension of the author and the author doesn’t know either.” She adopted her best Professor Oak accent. “What was your name again? Are you a boy or a girl?”
“Why not both?” (S)he flashed her “Professor Oak.” They winked. “Your turn.”
Luster fell as the ground shook. “What was that?” She didn’t know, but she was incredibly aroused. How rousing.
“It’s probably the neighbours again.” Professor Oak banged on the floor. “Knock it off, yo! We’re trying to write here. Or get liquor. I can’t keep track of what’s happening around me. Did you give me mescaline earlier?”
Luchador Dorito coughed. "Sorry, I'm sick. Get your own mescaline, old man."
Processor Oak scratched his head. "Eh? What are you sick with?"
"Lavender Unicorn Syndrome," the multi-colored, friendly, juvenile, vacuous, medium-maned, snot-nosed mare sadly confessed.
A dinosaur roared in the distant background. Nopony knew where it came from. Let’s all pretend it isn’t there. We totally won’t have a Jurassic Park moment, right? Riiiiight?
It was at this moment that super trampoline time traveled into the future. Oh shit what the fuck is Going on everyone I know and love is dead And Lester Don is like 10,000 years old or something what the fuck?
Hi Super Trampoline! We’re already halfway to the publishing mark; go us! The hive mind is a spectacular thing. Especially when you consider hot ant queens giving birth to a bunch of queens who then fuck their cousins or brothers. Really next-level thinking there. But doesn’t it affect the genetic diversity of the colonies? Screw genetic diversity. And your hot cousin. Because why not? Is it really incest if you use birth control?
Super trampoline have traveled in time because he wanted to get out of this music radio for a moment because more and more homeless musicians keep showing up there because he’s overly nice and doesn’t have a spine and needs to set boundaries better. Anyway, he decided he should probably talk to Lester Don or something because she probably should feature in the story more if it is actually going to be ruled eligible for publication on in my little pony friendship is magic fanfiction site
Once upon a midnight drarkle, as I pondered Twilight Sparkle,
And her silly unicorn friend that we all called Luster Dawn,
I began to see a shitpost, the next thing, the this-is-it post,
As the kids would say "shit's lit" post, that would live forever on.
My big brain could tell that this story would live forever on.
A collabor-a-she-on!
Meerkats.
“Hi, Super Trampoline!” Luster Dawn exclaimed. “I just put a silencing spell on you, so now you’re totally unable to talk to me for the rest of the fic! You’re gonna have to find some creative ways to get this published now.”
Fuck you I’m a narrator I don’t have to speak directly through the story I can speak and then meet a text Jesus Christ. This is going to need so much editing.
“I think I’m going to have to edit my entire life after this,” said Loopy Drinks.
Y̴E̴S̴,̵ ̸M̶Y̸ ̸C̴H̸I̷L̴D̴R̶E̷N̶?̴ ̴ ̶W̷A̵S̵ ̴I̸ ̸S̷U̴M̶M̴O̴N̶E̴D̸?̸
“I don’t believe in you. Go away.”
F̴I̵N̷E̸.̸ ̵I̸ ̵D̸O̴N̸’̴T̴ ̶B̸E̷L̴I̴E̵V̴E̶ ̶I̶N̴ ̸Y̷O̴U̵ ̵E̶I̷T̶H̵E̴R̸.̶
Professor Oak no longer existed. Who’s that?
Probably some random dude who exists in a completely unrelated franchise or something. But hey, at least we get to add the crossover tag now to the story.
By extension, whoever Lobotomy Dustbin was talking to earlier no longer had a “Professor Oak” either. That’s too bad. I guess this might be a commentary now about religion erasing intersex people? Damn.
The person Lobotomy Dustbin was talking to held her head in her hands. “I feel something was done to me against my will, but I have no memory of it, so did it really happen? And who am I?”
“Who are you indeed, and what are you doing in my house?”
“I’m not in your house. You’re in my house.”
“Oh. Sorry. I’ll go now. Wait a minute. That’s my banjolele! Why is my banjolele in your house?”
“What the hell is a banjolele?”
“It’s like a banjo, but smaller, like a ukulele is to a guitar.”
“Weird. You can take the banjolele with you. I don’t know how to play.”
“Do you want me to teach you?”
“Well shit. I was just waiting for you to ask. Of course I want you to teach me how to play the banjolele.”
It has come to my attention that you have not received your daily dose of Shrek today. We shall correct this potentially-fatal flaw in your day starting now.
Good point. Feghoot on the way! Edit: feghoot is here. ^:) You can feg my hoots is the type of thing that Local Daemon would say, so she did. “You can feg my hoots.”
Anyways, Lexicographical Damnation's spirit name was Luster Dawn, right? Everypony believed she was Starlight's and Starburst's child, right? They were actually half correct. Starlight cheated on Starburst with Trixie in order to please the shippers, and then lied to Starburst that the child was theirs. But then the authorities found out, and there was a fine against homosexuality because Equestria was becoming a backwards place. So the pony police went to Logograph Diminutive and said,
"Hey now, you're a Lust-ar, get your gay mom, go pay."
“What.”
Lusty Dawn had literally no fucking clue what was going on anymore. Random shit was just happening at will, completely erasing her perception of reality. Who was even she? Why did she exist? Why was Cereal-Killer so god damn sexy? Point is, Loddy Dodd had a lot of unanswered questions in her life. These were answers to questions she didn't even know existed.
As the bizzare conversation continued[TODO: Add comma here] Donkey lurked in the background, menacingly. Nobody was quite sure why he was even there. Nopony was quite sure why any of us were there, either. Fifty percent chance none of this crap was actually going on, and there’s just these seven(?) deranged authors ranting about life as they see it through their poor, deluded eyes.
…
…
WE NEED MOAR PONY, thought Lucky Draw, because moderation is overrated. “Oh nameless pony. I shall name you Cud Sucker, because you remind me of a cow I once knew. In the Biblical sense, that is. And now I want to know you.”
“What the Celestia?!” asked Cud Sucker. “I have a name.”
“Yes. It’s Cud Sucker. I just gave it to you.”
“No, I mean before now.”
“Yeah,” said Lore Dibs. “I gave it to you like thirty seconds ago. Not now. I’m not a time traveller. Now kiss me.”
Cud Sucker recoiled. “What? Why? I’m not into you.”
“But I’m into you, and what else are friends for.”
“Oh crap. You’re my friend? I guess. Why not. What else are friends for.”
“Also, if you slip me a little tongue, then you will be into me.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
I am stuck in a long line at the supermarket because they don’t have enough checkout stands open while I watch my creation go absolutely nuts I have lost control that is OK we are one in the collaborative madness. This is just going to need a heck of a lot of editing and let’s hope none of the site moderators actually read it because they will be like what the fuck in this does not pass moderation
Heck, let’s throw in an OC. No, TWO.
You know what? Heck it all, we’re gonna dump an entire box of OCs into this thing because a garbage fire is far from enough to actually manage to get through this while holding onto any scrap of sanity.
one a day there was detectiv jakkid166, the greatest detective in th world. He is so good at being detective, he never always doesn,t not solve the case.
“Omg jakkid omg omg big fan I omg can’t breath—” GASP —”omg can I have your autograph you’re so handsome and strong”
So there’s this one pony, Midnight Bloodmoon. He’s a real cutie. Depending on how he’s feeling he wears the plastic horn or the plastic wings, and sometimes he puts on both and pretends to be a princess. Midnight Bloodmoon is, as you might expect, blood and moon colored. That’s red and white, because if the black ones are bad then the white ones are good, right? This isn’t a statement about racism at all! After all, both black and white ponies are free to worship our white Celestial overlord.
So basically there's this guy called Gary Stu, and he's a red and black alicorn. You see where I'm going with this? He's got a sister too named Mary. Basically wack shit happens and they fuck stuff up. Get me?
Butter Knife, AKA Shanky Stabbington, AKA Slick Stuff, AKA That-Pony-That-Is-Never-Referred-To-By-Her-Real-Name shambled across the ground. Why is she shambling? Because she is an edgy little cupcake who only does edgy things like shambling through town at midnight looking for places to sulk in. You know, just teenage angsty things that appeal to middle schoolers. I call it “middle-school edgy”. Also, she’s a red and black alicorn too. Her hot-pink heart locket contains her soul, I think.
But that’s besides the fact. Butter Knife AKA Shanky Stabbington, AKA Slick Stuff, AKA That-Pony-That-Is-Never-Referred-To-By-Her-Real-Name has had a horrible life, after all. All five of her biological parents died in a flaming 20,000-car pileup that was caused by the full moon mutating some random pony into werepony because we need to have wereponies in this now for some reason and so after all of her parents died Butter Knife AKA Shanky Stabbington, AKA Slick Stuff, AKA That-Pony-That-Is-Never-Referred-To-By-Her-Real-Name AKA literally Voldemort decided that she would be even more of an edgelord and because of that she decided to become even edgier and picked up a butter knife because that was her namesake weapon.
“I WILL CUT YOU ALL AND THEN MYSELF TOO,” Butter Knife AKA Shanky Stabbington, AKA Slick Stuff, AKA That-Pony-That-Is-Never-Referred-To-By-Her-Real-Name hollered at the sky’s, for she could hear the collective mental screams of every person who participated in this collab.
Aww, how nice. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Knife AKA Shanky Stabbington, AKA Slick Stuff, AKA That-Pony-That-Is-Never-Referred-To-By-Her-Real-Name that wants to harm us! Don’t worry, honey. We still love you.
“Grr.”
...rrrreeat! That’s the Frosted Flakes commercial, if you don’t know.
You know, Tony the tiger should be here too.
In fact, here he is! Meet your new friend, Pan Oil!
“Why do you do this to me?”
Because we are the authors and you are our character. You follow our commands, loser. I think we might need the Sitemods to make a new tag specifically for OC abuse, actually.
“Don’t know ‘bout that, chief. That sounds like a dictatorship.”
"It is, fatty."
"Its similar to how The Author is making me say this sentence right now." She died, then came back to life. "Their power over us is complete and we are but puppets on a string."
Preach, girl! That’s the kinda stuff you hear in cults!Hey
D
Indeed, pan was truly atr the whims of her merciless author gods.e
"My name Jeff!", Exclaimed Christ Pone. He actually has nothing to do with the Bible, it's just short for Christopher. See, Christopher hails from Drangleic. Time is convoluted, and the very fabric wavers. He's not the bearer of the curse or anything he's a normal guy that tripped into the hole in Majuula which somehow leads to the mirror pool.
It seemed that cereal-killer one of the authors at the time, was proceeding To pull all of the other authors into th material world, forcing them to play along with the retarded scenario.
even
"We out here." He said, yanking (insert author here) into the story. "Nowyu how are you guys going to top that ay? I changed the genre of the story.by technically making it a self-insert?"
Kid, we’re inserting all of us collectively into this story. If it isn’t a self-insert then I don’t know what is. We're also inserting foreign objects in your various orephuses, so lube up.
Fun. But back on the topic.
Y’all look at the top. I think I figured out a frame story for this which will explain why the story is going so weird.
Yeah, But I did Iit better.
Pineapple. On pizza. Was consumed here in this fic. Blame Not Margarine for the act.
Thats some heretical shit. You know I had a really nice pizza yesterday. ‘Shrooms, ham, bacon, Sausages and pepperoni and c a n n e d p i n a p p l e s soaked in raw anchovy juice before being thrown in a blender with half a wet sock and some mud. That shit was A+.
[Link removed due to site rules]
Uh oh. Stinky. Poop. Poopy, funny poopies lalalalalaala. Funny poop, poop funny,aHWHEEEEE! Uh oh, I think I made a poopy… Poopy underwear now! Eheheheheh! We want poopies… we want poopies! AHAHAHAHHAHA…AHAHAHAHAHAHAH… poop… POOP!
And so stinky Monke, His name is Le Monke, impregnated the corpse of background pony#37373838647478992424664
...Hey look, a M I N E C R A F T C R E E P E R!
Watch out Minecraft Steve! Oh no he has airpods in! Steve, no!
[Link removed due to site rules]
It was at this moment when a portal to Equestria opened right beneath the Creeper and yeeted it into Equestria for no reason.
“Oh no a creeper.” Celestia deadpanned, watching the creeper fall on top of Luster Dawn because we needed something to pull this story back to who was supposed to be the main character. Sheesh.
The creeper exploded, but Celestia’s magic stopped them from dying, and sent them to another world. The world of flying toasters. She turned to look at Luster Dawn in front of her. She looked like Twilight Sparkle but not Twilight Sparkle. She was a Twilight Sparkle lookalike that failed on the lookalike part of the test.
[Link removed due to sight rules. I couldn’t see it staying in here.]
"Luster dawn, 😰. I am truly sorry, but you're mom gey😔✊" Celestia said, her Face opening into a visage of myriad horrors like porcelain hands and feathered [SOMETHiNG]. Also, Bonzi Buddy is now your roommate.
Luster did a double-take. “Holy crap, did you just talk in emoji?”
“Well yeah🤪 Is that so surprising? We’re in a computer simulation🤣.”
“I mean, yeah. It is. Can you teach me?" she pleaded.
"No 😂😤"
Luster 🤨d. “😁. I think I figured it out. Check this. 😻”
“Stop that,” said Celestia. “You’re a pony, not a cat. I’m hungry, and I don’t eat pussy🤮. Don’t make me make you a 👻.”
Of course, that can always change😉… a mysterious voice grumbled from somewhere up in the sky. One of the various authors I guess who knows who? The shadow nose.
“That italicized emoji disturbs me.”
"You are fit for consumption, my little pony. Your life is finite, and so holds no meaning in this plane. You must contribute to the greater good, along with the rest of pony kind. Surrender your sanity, and I will put your soul to good use, along with the many others I have taken. This will hurt excruciatingly. I am sorry, lingle duolingo birb fren, there was no other way."
“★☆☆☆☆. Would not worship you again.”
Ok, so I made something, now pollute it with emojis and edit it so it no longer resembles what it once was. thx bae. -C K
Autocorrect is fun. And this story is also complete and utter chaos now and you, the reader, are out of your mind for reading this.
"Pony Fanfic It's ND I don't know if I can help you with that I will be able to make it to the meeting tonight but I don't know if they will be able to make it to the meeting tonight but I don't know if I can help in any event thing I can do is E to the right of the house for rent in my life and I will get back to you on the phone right r to run the other one to you while you're here for you and your mom are coming to the meeting tomorrow night if you want to be there for the interview at", said Predictive Text.
"I will be there at the same time that the timers Townes e are eWT I think the best options us know what time you want me forward.", He continued.
Hey hey what if we decided to toss in some old unpublished shreds of story that we mentally barfed or somethin yes. g?
I'll do you one better. How about an entire unpublished chapter and a half. From a 4 year old story.
[Link removed due to site rules]
Hey, I’ve got some stuff laying around from middle school that I wrote after a test too. I could chip in with somma dat. O hecc o wait o no it’s script formatted we can’t have that here.
The best I have is the old Darf fics that I got back from a certain site used for fetching fanfics about the hit 2010's cartoon series, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, because they weren't on the site anymore.
ANYWAY, BACK IN EQUESTRIA…
“YARBLE YODDLE.” YT_xXx420G4m3r$LUNA69xXx screeched into her microphone, “FEAR FOR THE HOUR YOU SLEEP, MY LITTLE PONIES, FOR I, NIGHTMARE MOON, SHALL PWN YOU NOOBS SO BAD YOU’LL WET THE BED FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS.
Somewhere across the internet, Luster Dawn, now fully recovered from the Creeper explosion, shot back at the former Night Princess.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T GET BANHAMMERED TO THE MOON DECADES AGO YOU WOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO RULE A LITTLE LONGER BEFORE YOU STEPPED DOWN!”
“TAKE THAT BACK!”
“NO!”
“MUFFINS!” Derpy yelled incredibly close to her microphone. Like, so close that both Luster Dawn and Luna could feel the spit.
"Squeaker fuck…", said edglelord anime villian. He rage quit via bullet to the brain
“Imbeciles,” Shiv Skater shook her head, pressing F on her keyboard with her trusty butter knife for her fellow edgelord.
Y’all this is so wacky that my phone Google Docs app crashes on my phone when I try to open it. I’m on my laptop now. I have no clue what the plot of this story is, but I figure when this gets published, it will have a raw version and a version where I’ve laboriously taken this and crafted it into some sort of vaguely coherent mescaline trip.
I'm on my phone Google Doc app right now and I'm doing fine
Guys, think about it for a second. If Lil' Cheese is cheese sandwich and Pinkis child of non-specific gender does it have a Pinkie sense. No he has a Cheese sense. Wait no, he has a chinky sense!
Wait Lil’ Cheese is a he? Seemed more like a filly to me in the finale.,
Nah, he a dude. First trap in mlp history. Hey y’all “trap” is a transphobic term.http://library.transgenderzone.com/?p=3270
Oh, okay... sorry, what should we say then?
Unfortunately the zeroth indexed trap in Equestrian history was Hasbro's entrapment of child ponies to act as Ponyville background characters without food or pay.
Oh snap Pinkie birthed a trap.
Make the voices stop. Oh god please. It hurts. They're hurting me oh god mom dad help why are they screaming oh please god put me down I'm a sick dog in pain i need the gift of mercy the voices in my head won't go away no matter how many pills the doctor gives me please god my parents are dead there's blood on my hands the voices said they'd stop but the didn't they lied to me they lied they lied they wont get out oh god it hurts it hurts i need the voices out of my head oh it hurts it hurts the voices' teeth and nails biting deeper into my flesh. I'm bleeding oh god I'm bleeding where did this come from it hurts the voices won't stop what are they saying what am i seeing why is it so hot in here i smell smoke oh god what's real what's not the voices are hurting me mommy
^That got dark holy heck do you need a therapist? We’re here to talk if you want :). I'mfine gamer, i got a therapist and recently got cleared of having PTSD :)
Alrighty. That’s good to hear.
Twilight Sparkle undied for a second, savoring the suffering narrator above. "What a story Mark," she said before dying again. Maybe one day Luster Dawn will revive her to succ the magic from her body and ascend to alicornhood. That’s how it works, right?
MY LITTLE PONY, MY LITTLE PONY, AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
Pinkie Pie emerged from the hammerspace and slapped this one specific author that wrote that.
Jesus isekaid back into the story. 𝕎ℍ𝔸𝕋 𝕋ℍ𝔼 ℍ𝔼𝕃𝕃 𝔻𝕀𝔻 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝔻𝕆 𝕎𝕀𝕋ℍ 𝕋ℍ𝕀𝕊 ℙ𝕃𝔸ℂ𝔼?
He made this story an isekai story but with good ol Jim from the attic.
Thor rainbow-bridged in beside Jesus. “Is this the place you were talking about? Looks like a dump.”
𝕐𝔼𝔸ℍ. 𝕀 𝔻𝕌ℕℕ𝕆 𝕎ℍ𝔸𝕋 ℍ𝔸ℙℙ𝔼ℕ𝔼𝔻 ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔼. 𝕀𝕋 𝕎𝔸𝕊ℕ’𝕋 𝕃𝕀𝕂𝔼 𝕋ℍ𝕀𝕊 𝕃𝔸𝕊𝕋 𝕋𝕀𝕄𝔼 𝕀 𝕎𝔸𝕊 ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔼.
Thor rolled his eyes and nodded. “Sure. Whatever you say, Jesus.” He hefted his hammer. “Let’s find some of those ponies. I wanna smash.”
ℍ𝕆𝕃 𝕌ℙ. 𝕎ℍ𝔸𝕋 𝕂𝕀ℕ𝔻 𝕆𝔽 𝕊𝕄𝔸𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝔻𝕀𝔻 𝕐𝕆𝕌 𝕋ℍ𝕀ℕ𝕂 𝕎𝔼’𝔻 𝔻𝕆 ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔼?
Thor blushed. “Just the usual. You know.” He thrust his hammer forward. “Smashing.”
He winked, blowing a kiss while holding up a gamecube controller with his other hand.
A third and fourth hand grew from the table, grabbing the hammer and throwing it at Pinkie, who caught it without trouble. “Oh, hey! I’ve been looking for this.”
Thor choked. “What?”
Rarity walked onto the scene, talking to Twilight, who was still decidedly dead. “I’m just saying. If you weren’t that way then maybe you wouldn’t have been trapped in the library for so long.” Running into Thor’s legs, she fell on her rump. “Oof. Hello, what’s this.” Looking up, she got hearts in her eyes. “Bazinga.”
I have filled this blank space in with words of the horse kind. Flufflepuff. There, it is now officially horsewords now I will leave on my skateboards.
Jesus isekaid out. This wasn't a world worth saving.
Except Kerfluffle. Her took her with when he left. He was getting hungry, and she’d make a good snack. Because she was a semi-competent chef. No wonder why she’s missing a leg now.
It's too bad she couldn't put her entire self on the table.
- GOD FUCKING DAMMIT LET ME MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH
The bible is actually a Shonen manga about jesus standing up to all o' y'all bullshit. There are a lot of filler arcs, which is why some stories don't focus on Jesus at all.
“Have you ever heard the word of our lord and savior Jod the Fish Jesus?”
"No", said Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
This god is gonna go for a bit have fun
Okay you too local god of this story universe garbage fire place.
“So,” Luster Dawn began after resetting the universe with the Infinity Gauntlet she stole from Swole Spike, “What kind of friendship messes are we going to deal with today?”
Villager #58289 shrugged. He had no idea what was going on because he was a villager who just happened to be yanked into the story because one of the authors likes Minecraft.
Just as all hope of anything making any sense seemed lost, there was a sparkle. A glimmer. A shimmer. And it all made sense. Not to the reader, mind you, but to the characters.
A low rumble tore through the land as the scenery began to melt away. All that was left now was an empty plane of nothingness, fresh and clean for a new adventure to begin in.
Welcome to the Void.
Luster Dawn opened her eyes-- where was she? The last she remembered, she had just reset the universe using the Infinity Gauntlet, but this wasn’t quite what she expected. Far from it, in fact. Was this Discord’s doing? The draconequus’ mental state had rapidly deteriorated after the passing of Fluttershy, according to the stories passed down by Twilight Sparkle, and so he had to once more be sealed away in stone, where he henceforth perched over the gravesite of the pegasus he loved and with whom she had eaten no children.
Perhaps he had finally broken free once more, and had plunged the world into a flavor of chaos none had ever seen?
Or maybe this was the fault of Twilight Sparkle. It was said long ago that she had ascended to alicornhood by the completion of a long-thought-to-be-impossible spell. If this void that she floated in was to be understood, maybe it could be as the creation of Princess Twilight’s?
She shook her head. Twilight wouldn’t do such a thing, would she? And she certainly wasn’t a klutz, either, so the chances of this realm’s creation being an accident were rather low.
She lit her horn, casting an illumination spell on her surroundings. To no surprise, there was absolutely nothing.
It was her, and only her. No Twilight, no friends, no Equestria. No muss, no fuss, no leaks, no streaks! No more struggling with inferior products! Buy OxiClean today.
No.
She blinked again, and dismissed the popup ad. She felt fragmented, like there were too many Luster Dawns, all with their own equinalities. Fighting for control. One had to win, or she felt she would be stuck in this limbo, this spaghetti life of too many individual strands and little taste.
“So is this finally winding down?” asked Super Trampoline.
“Who knows? This is normally how I like to start a new section in my stories,” replied The Commodore. Actually it was some other guy in the collab but who’s keeping track at this point? “With a somewhat surreal, drifting scene or dream sequence. It’s nice and peaceful and helps you clear your mind and stuff.”
Continuing on; Luster Dawn frantically spun around. There had to be a way out of this. This couldn’t be how it ended, there was still so much more out there!
Sitting, she folded her legs and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. Focus on the breath, she thought. Past the lips, into the lungs. Hold it. Clear your mind. Push out the thoughts, and the breath.
∅. Now this sounds nothing like the here comes a thought song in Steven Universe.
With her mind cleared now, Luster Dawn achieved buddhahood. A single moment of absolute clarity and emptiness. Then, everything came rushing back in with her next breath.
“Take a moment to think about avoiding copyright infringement,” said Twilight Sparkle.
Luster turned. “Princess! You’re here. Where are we?”
“Shh,” Twilight hushed, “Let’s not get too hasty now, Luster. Sit down and enjoy the peace a little, if you please.”
Luster half-nodded, her eyes still set on her mentor as she sat again— though, whether or not what they were doing could be considered “sitting” was ultimately up for interpretation, given where they were.
“So Princess,” Luster repeated in a whisper, “Where are we? I...I nearly thought that Equestria had ended!”
Twilight smiled, ruffling her student’s mane. “Not ended, my faithful student. Equestria is still only beginning. I was the Twilight of the days gone by, and you are the Dawn—the coming of the next day, and all the joys it may bring. Aslan will be along shortly to help us sing the world back into existence, with a new generation of stories to tell.”
“...Really? Are you sure about that?”
A speck appeared in the distance, and they watched it approach, its nature revealed as it drew near. A mighty lion, resplendent with glory. The noises of a heavenly choir heralded his approach as the ponies continued their conversation.
“Yes,” Twilight nodded, lighting her horn. A flood of her personal memories canvassed themselves over the dull void around them. “In my days as a student Equestria was under constant threat. Princess Cadance, when she married my brother all those years back, happened to have her wedding on the day of the first Changeling invasion of Equestria.”
Luster scrunched her muzzle. “The Changelings?” she muttered, “I-I thought they were our allies.”
“They were once foe, my dear student,” Twilight chuckled, staring into the passing memories of King Thorax reforming the hive. “It was the magic of friendship that would bring them around. Don’t you see why I push you to try and make friends even when you refuse?”
“I…” Luster raised a hoof. “I… didn’t… I only wanted to focus on my magic studies, Princess. I wanted to grow up and be big and strong like you one day. I thought maybe I could make friends later, when… when I had a little more confidence in myself.”
Aslan was now close enough to speak to them. “My children, what’s up?”
Twilight’s expression shifted. “The ceiling. No, wait! Your [muffins!] are up. Oh, also library usage.” She sighed. “I wish. It’s actually been dropping since the internet became a thing. I’m not sure what to do about it. I’ve tried adding computers, holding concerts, bring the zoo for a visit. The library’s financial backers have been asking about it, and I’m not sure what to tell them.”
“Oh snap. Really?” Aslan sat heavily. “Well shoot. I didn’t plan for that. I guess just make something up? What would my kid do? Do that. Actually, don’t. Kids make terrible decisions.” He stood again, stretching his jaw. “Let’s just sing about it, and make a world that’s mpore-suited to what you just said. What kinda music do you like? Metal? Gospel? EDM?”
“Death metal screemo, please,” Luster Dawn squeaked, much to the surprise of Twilight.
“All right.” Aslan looked up. “Hit it, yo.” A single bass-guitar chord sounded from everywhere at once, followed by silence, and then a banjolele began the rhythm, joined soon thereafter by the drums and sitar. Of course, the screams came soonafter.
“Tortured souls are good for this part,” said Aslan, nodding in Luster’s direction. “Aight. You kids have fun. Try not to create too-illogical a world. That pisses off the mathematicians, and they’re so annoying when they start complaining about proof-this and logic-that.” Aslan roared as the music hit a sick riff, and the unseen choir added their voices. Also screaming.
A reverse-snap echoed throughout the stinky stanky void place. Some kind of magic reverse Infinity Gauntlet stuff, I guess. Actually, it was in fact Barney the Purple Dinosaur who did the snap this time, with the support of his good friend Bob the Builder.
Mountains shot out of the ground like rockets. Trees popped up like hairs on the back of your neck. The sky warped for a moment, flitting through every color of the rainbow before settling on blue once more. Faraway, a rooster crowed as a gentle breeze rippled across the land.
“That was… some song there,” Twilight commented.
“You have no idea what else I’ve got in my music library, Princess.”
Twilight made a face. “I… don’t think I want to know. What were we talking about again?”
Luster shrugged. The story was devolving back into a dumpster fire rather quickly now, so why not EXPLOSIONS?
“Bobert my good fren!” one of the mountains cheered, “Yer alive, buddy!”
Barney high-fived Bob the Builder. “Way to go, buddy. I’m real proud of you. You really built it this time.”
“Hehe. Yeah. I guess I did.” Bob the Builder began twirling his leg, toe touching the ground. “Hey Barney, do you… do you like me? Like, like me like me? Like, like a lot kind of like me?”
“Well yeah, Bob the Builder,” said Barney. “I’m totally into you.”
It was at this moment that the leg twirling became leg helicoptering, and Bob the Builder flew away on his leg helicopter.
Barney waved to the others. “Excelsior!” Leaping, he flew into the sky after Bob the Builder.
“I think I’m still tripping,” said Luster Dawn.
“Probably,” said Twilight.
And then they kissed. Shrek. And Donkey, who’d been lurking this whole time.
With the music now over, Super Trampoline left the google doc. Does this mean the end for this story?
Remember reader, the story is never over if you keep it burning in your heart. Buy one of Elon Musk’s Not-A-Flamethrowers, and let the power of the dragonflame burn in your heart! Literally!
Excelsior!
Jesus Christ, this is going to be pure hell to edit into something cohesive, thought Super Trampoline, after a long night of stressful conversations.
Many hours later, a single young mare sat in the middle of the void. Did I say sitting? Well, there wasn’t anything to sit on. So she was floating.
“I never show up in time for anything,” she muttered to herself. Almost everything else had already faded from existence. So with nothing else left to do, she jumped into the Hole. She’d rather that than be eaten by the space octopus.
After falling for a year or six, and she was safe from the tentaclutches of the space octopus, Duster Lawn landed softly on a wide, grassy plain. She immediately began grazing, because that's what horses do, and the flavorless void grass filled her belly. "Nyom nom nom," she said as she chewed and ate and smashed her horse face against the ground, gnashing her teeth, not letting any of the delicious food escape her ruthless hunger. Blades of grass shrieked in pain and terror, and a nearby flower wept quietly, hoping the monster would not notice her.
Just as the jaws of doom approached the flower, they stopped their rampage.
"Oh, what a lovely flower," Lester John said, flecks of green carnage flying from her mouth.
"Please do not hurt me! If you let me live, I will grant you one wish!" the flower cried.
"A talking flower?" the dumb horse asked pointlessly, because obviously it was a talking flower.
"Yes. You have slain many of my people, but they can be replaced if you let me live."
Cluster Bomb tilted her head in consideration. "Your people were delicious," she said, "but I will let you live."
The flower sighed. "Very well. For your, uh… kindness, I can grant you one wish."
"Oh, thank Celestia," Mustard Prawn said. "In that case, I wish that this Luna-forsaken fic would come to an end. Please. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore."
The flower smiled. "I’m totally going to ignore that this wish also erases me from existence, but your wish is granted! Catch you on the flip side, Luster Dawn.” It saluted one final time, then snapped. “Ooh, I don’t feel so good…”
“...and that’s how Equestria was made!”
Twilight scrunched her muzzle, looking up at her beloved mentor with a raised eyebrow. “Have you been abusing the royal cocaine stash again, Princess?”
Celestia gave a predatory grin, her two eyes meandering in three different directions. “If I was, could I have told a story so exquisite, so coherent, so legendary?”
Twilight grimaced, shifting her wings uncomfortably. She turned to face the camera. “Sorry you had to experience that, folks. The least I can do to make up for it is to actually end the story for good, I guess. So without further ado…”
The End!
Except every end is also a beginning, like this one is. As the camera zoomed out on Twilight, it panned to the left, revealing Applejack. Only, it wasn’t the Twilight’s Applejack. It was Sunset’s Applejack.
“Boy howdy,” she said. “That sure was a wild ride, but while the work here on this planet is done, there’s more to do in the world I come from.”
Wallflower stepped forward. “Why, whatever do you mean, Applejack.”
Applejack started at Wallflower’s sudden appearance. “Didn’t see you there.”
Wallflower hung her head, closing her eyes as a frown danced happily across her face. “Nobody ever does.”
“Anyway,” said Applejack. “I’m glad you asked.”
“Oh? Is that because you wanted to explain what you meant?”
“Heck no. That would be too expositiony. What do you think I am, a villain?” Applejack shot Wallflower a sideways glance, muttering, “Don’t answer that sugarcube. Let’s just put that whole incident with the crips behind us. What’s important is that they’re outta Canterlot, and there’s no blood on my hands.”
Wallflower pointed an accusing hoof. “Only because you use others to murder for you.”
“Well that’s neither here nor there. Now c’mon. Aslan’s waiting for us, and I wanna unload those Zoroastrian priestesses.”
“What do we even have them for anyway?” asked Wallflower as the two headed towards the mirror to their world.
Applejack clicked her tongue. “You’ll see.”
Sunset approached Twilight. “I think I should keep an eye on them, princess.”
“Actually, I’m Sci-Twi. That one’s the princess.” She nodded towards the other Twilight, who at that moment pushed up her glasses.
“Nice try. Not.”
Sunset sighed. “Sometimes, I wish I had your powers. Maybe then, I could wrest control of the human world from my Twilight, and make everyone get along. She cares more about advancing science than she does about social justice.”
“Whatever. You’d better go take care of Applejack while those priestesses are still alive.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” Sunset nuzzled Princess Twilight. “See you later, alligator.”
Twilight returned the nuzzle. “After a while, crocodile.”
At this point, both of them were eaten by an alligator and crocodile respectively.
So they all died. And since all the ponies were dead, that meant that the story could no longer be continued. And if anyone continued to write to the story, and made Super Trampoline edit another million words, they too would probably find themselves dead. Now go away.
Wordcount: 6,969
N I C E
Jacking into the matrix or whatever.
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- Super Trampoline · 1.3k words · 13 12 · 339 views
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...
Okay, I'm ready for this. Let's go.
:O
I'll be honest. When I saw this I thought it was Luster Dawn's Incredibly Weird Orgasm.
The real title is actually... slightly disappointing.
Well that's about twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back... Thank you.
Now if you excuse me, it's off to hell for me!
Hi-ho, Hi-ho-- Off to hell I go!
With a pitchfork here and a fire there!
Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho!!
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
UM........ OK
Unf, those word counts. 69 and 6969!
Regretti spaghetti
9907377
i.imgur.com/ToksK5s.png
I'm not gonna say I called it... but I called it
9907080
I did and you tricked me into reading a story about a Lunch Pone.
You diabolical bastid.
Or probably more of a hungry one?
How the heck is this rated well? We literally just poured liquid garbage into a Gdoc.
9907477
It... it’s in the feature box right now. What the actual fuck?!?
9907490
Holy heck
9907498
Deep down inside everybody yearns for Liquid Garbage...
Just nobody admits it.
9907470
Okay but wasn’t Lunch Pone amazing?!?
9907528
Her mild inconvenience of Equestria was pretty funny.
Spork!!
9907633
derpicdn.net/img/2019/2/23/1969555/large.jpeg
This story is the most valid argument both for and against Fimfiction's moderation I've ever seen. I have to wonder what the mods response to seeing a Super Trampoline fic lined up to approve is.
Huh. I didn't expect a late return to relative coherence, but that actually turned out rather... Not well, but certainly less "raw Google Docs dump" than the opening. That framing device certainly works. Goodness knows I've had dreams that flow like this.
9913228
Yeah, I was like, “hmmm, how can I not spend four hours slash and burning this into something coherent? Oh, I know!”
Why has nobody told me that this has been posted?
9944259
You should follow me so you know when these things are published in the future!
wait, what?
WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!
*lip smack lip smack Lip smack* *Small pause* *lip smack lip smack lip smack* moist
9957359
My thoughts exactly.
9957362