• Member Since 21st Mar, 2019
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Eyy, I'm writin 'ere!

Comments ( 71 )

I'm hopefully optimistic about this one. While I'm not as big of a fan of down-on-her-luck Trixie as I once was, this looks like it takes a new spin on it. The death of a sister has given Trixie the motive, let's see where the path takes her.

those tags and the mature rating along with Trixie being one of my favorite ponies has me already tracking this story along with going under the impression that there's no happy endings at the end of this story.

It seems everypony and their newspaper editor knows of Trixie and her sister's past. And now she's coming to collect.

Interesting idea on unicorns and what drives them. Kinda obvious in Trixie's case, though.

Huh, another Pie sister. They just keep popping up.

Not going straight to Ponyville, I see. This bodes poorly.

Till next time!

all this did was make me want to know what lead up to this.

This was a very interesting start! I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes, and learning why things got to the point they're at here.

oh trixie, your not so far gone that you can't see that what you did was wrong. Nice to know Lyra_heartstrings get a pass on your unicorn draining thing going on.

Yeah, you're evil, Trixie. I ain't even blaming the amulet for that one.

So starts the downward spiral. And I can see why the prologue against the heroes was so brutal.

I got a bit of twisted joy in her revenge against that news pony I kind of hope she does do some murder in Tartarus it would be something all that power in one place easy pickings also I kind of hope she does succeed in resurrecting her sister at the end despite her lost and ends bittersweet ending on Trixie life

I was confused about that part with Moondancer until I read further and assumed that Trixie had used an illusion to transform herself into Twilight. That part with that filly whose blind along with looking like her sister has me questioning her sanity which is good based on the tags.


That violence and dark tag certainly wasn't window dressing.

This is certainly not the type of story where you're rooting for the main character. Crappy and tragic life or not, no way do I feel sorry for Trixie after this. That part where she thinks she's seeing her sister just hammers home how far gone she is. But, I will continue on because I'm curious how this will play out.

Till then!

Looks like Trixie's been busy, and not in a good way. If I were to hazard a guess, depending on how knowledgeable Trixie is of ancient domains, she may be heading to Tartarus to break in rather than to stroll by.

Neat to see Concrete being brought back in. Looking forward to seeing if her plans work out. Though, having read the beginning, I'm rather doubtful.

Having the prologue start near the end of her story makes writing it a little challenging, and I feel that the tension is often defeated when we know that Trixie will ultimately be defeated too. But I still try to make as many twists and turns, as well as subplots that weren't included in the beginning, as I can. :twilightsmile:
But stay tuned for the next chapter, if you're curious now, the sixth chapter will absolutely dumbfound you! :raritywink:

you know I hope there a killer vs killer or her murdering a few bad ponies that make ponies like Trixie she doesn't want that near those she cares about cause bad ponies know how to play society and rules so the normal ponies miss their sins or completely blind to the monster in there amidst

well time for shit to get more darker for Trixie.

Hmm, even with the plan laid out, I had trouble following some of the action in the last part. I know where Trixie ended up but I'm a little fuzzy on how that happened.

Regardless, the plan worked and now Trixie's in an odd situation. I'm curious once again to see where this is heading.

A lot of other nasty ponies in this mix. Wonder how they were able to do this for so long without getting caught. Well, "justice" was served either way.

Till then!

There will be something like that in the near future. Maybe not bad pony v bad pony, but definitely some interesting combative interactions in the near future :raritywink:

You're right! I tried to tread a line between explaining Concrete's methodology between explaining it briefly and hitting the reader over the head with it. I thought it was well explained enough, but I should've been more coherent about it. Thank you for the feedback! :twilightblush:

I don't believe Arkon's on the level, there are probably a few things he's withholding from Trixie however at this point the only honest thing I could take form his story is that he knows how to escape Tartarus.

yeah he trying to use trixie for his own escape, no one that sent to literally hell is going to be that kind to a stranger, it use or be used let see if trixie can be the one to use Arkon

I'll offer some critique first. The dialogue in the chapter could use some cleaning up. There's a lot of run-on sentences. The characters feel like they are speeding through their lines, which doesn't give the weight and impact I think you were going for. Put a few more breaks in to let them breathe.

I do like the imagery, though. The living embodiment of all the power the Alicorn Amulet collected, trapped forever in a contained inferno. That's a fitting punishment there. The beginning memory/dream is also haunting.

I'm of mixed feelings for Concrete. She's trying to do her job for the best of Equestria but kinda lets others take the fall in order to get the job done. I don't think I'll be shedding any tears for her if she were to kick the bucket.

Kinda sucks what happened to Burst.

Looking forward to more!

so all of this could've been avoided if strawberry cream survived childbirth with her foal as this caused Glass Rivers to shatter and try to kill Trixie who didn't want to kill him as it went against her goal to acquire a pardon and get her sister back. Then again it was stated there wasn't going to be a happy ending for her so gotta make sure all roads to anything positive is cut off I suppose.

Not quite. If Cream survived, somepony else would've taken Glass' spot. After all, there would always be somepony who was the best swordsman, or strongest fighter.


I desperately hoped that Trixie's logic of her taking out the ultimate evil would've earned her a pass to go resurrect her sister without any pony getting in the way because they know once she has her sister she'd take off the alicorn amulet. That's kind of hard to do when you kill agents of the crown even if your forced to do it.

I was also under the thinking that Glass decided to kill Trixie as a last stand, he knew he wasn't walking away from this battle and thus wanted to take her with him with my only evidence being his laughter plus his final attack.

Curious how Trixie was able to regenerate herself from so many wounds, but not reattach a leg. Guess there are some limits to her power.

Black blood? Yeah, that's not ominous at all...

Really, at this point, the Elements are the only thing to stand a chance. But I suppose one last shot couldn't hurt.

Keep at it!

imagine if it turns out death is going to be a new beginning for her? this makes me wish this had a sequel in planning where Trixie is a recurring type mare with her goal against a cruel world with false lights and fake ponies pure rage and madness there

Either they know something about black ice that Trixie doesn't know or Trixie defeating him is really legit.

Its like you get to the final boss of a game and just when you defeat him, he comes back with another form that you had no idea existed and thus wasted majority of your resources on the first form so your kinda screwed.

The political shenanigans in this chapter felt odd. I'm not sure if I buy the way Celestia is portrayed here. It seems you're leading up to a Daybreaker change and I'm not sure it's warranted.

However, I do like some of the character moments Luna had. The weight of losing a pony like Glass hit her hard and the consequences are just as bad.

And I think I now know how this will tie in with the opening chapter. Yikes, this is going to get ugly.

Till next time!

dammit, looks like no sister for you Trixie. A fate worst than a quick death is a life working for this version of Celestia who as you've explained is not as what she appears to be.

Well, not what I was expecting. And definitely getting more Daybreaker vibes.

So, I'm not really sure what this accomplished. Trixie's leaving again but she doesn't seem as focused on her ultimate goal as she was before. I'll see what the next part has in store before making any judgments.

Till then!

I wonder if Celestia sees a bit of herself in Trixie? see her as a broken pony who only wants her sister but dangerous still I think out of Celestia dark side she gladly drop her mask cause there has to be a point in her life where she hates her people sometimes and resents this duty and trauma maybe Celestia choose twilight as her replacement since she only wants her sister and retirement free from the burden in the end

well looks like some pony lost sight of what they did all this for.

mega man x 4 reference 'WHAT AM I FiGHTING FOR'

'the road to hell is paved with good intetions'

forgot the other saying about not forgetting one's motive for falling into darkness so thought about this saying to sum up celestia's view for equestria.

I think the one you're looking for is, "A man can walk into hell with both eyes open." Wherein, someone can be tempted down a path leading to their own oblivion willingly and unintentionally. ^^

a sad idea for this au but imagine if it turns out twilight ruined Trixie's life very early like the day the rainboom and twilight magic surge twilight happiest day of getting her mark was the worst day the one that forced Trixie and her sister on those cruel streets or had a hand in their treatment by ponies? I mean that giant horrible purple dragon might have sneezed fire or drooled lava and magic bursting everywhere there had to have been damaged building and even accidental death from that! bet Celestia "smoothed" it over hush-hush I mean twilight was just a lil filly she didn't do no wrongs! no one important got hurt after all.

Trixie apparently sparked a change for revolution and glimmer has a motive now oh nice!

It's more that Trixie showed the cracks in the system, and Starlight saw an 'in' for a revolution. If a single pony could get this far on her own, then what could an army I would raise do? There's gonna be a lot of military theory and strategy in the next story, War Against the Sun!

sweet least Trixie was a step just like with any figure of change
I hope starlight strikes a good hit on the "perfect" day I'm sure Celestia made a festival with the elements who heartedly agree with to celebrate Trixie's death day.

starlight, be the hero this story needs.
Tyrantlestia has gotten away with her bullshit for too long.

linkin park 'in the end' playing in the background made this much sadder than it should've been.

mostly for Celestia getting away with doing the same thing that Trixie has done 40+times before. Any sadness was replaced with more hatred during that kangaroo court. It should've ended with mutual destruction from Celestia and Trixie.

when the sequel is out will you link it in from this story?

thank you I look forward to glimmer delivering some justice and a smackdown on some overblown ego's

Solar Team 8 —> Solar Team 12

Trixie was dumb in this fic and I’m sad at how it ended, here’s why. I’m going to be as bluntly honest as I possibly can about all the things I don’t like about this Fic without being Toxic.
Trixie never revived her sister, I at least wanted Innocent Sabrina to live but I would of been ok with her failing if it was done right, however the way this fic ended was bad, everything basically went downhill after Trixie decided to reveal herself and let herself be turned in. What’s the point in having an MC Learn and Grow if they accomplish what amounts to nothing with it? Mc’s are usually admired because they accomplish something, but the way this Story ended felt forced with an unsatisfying ending. There are so many decisions that I don’t understand like why Trixie went from save my Sister, which was her whole motivation for this stupid quest btw, to go to the Crystal Empire and shank a bitch? Why didn’t she try to revive her sister as soon as she escaped Tartarus despite having the collective knowledge of ALL of Tartarus and the previous wielders of Amulet? Why she decided to go to one of Celestia’s parties, give herself up then backstab her benefactors for Zero gain instead of going straight to the graveyard and reviving her Sister WHEN SHE HAD THE STATE COOPERATING WITH HER. Yea, you’ve paved the way for Starlights revolution but did so at the coast of any character growth Trixie had gained. Her one redeeming feature throughout this quest was her determination to revive her sister and for a second I thought I knew why she was giving herself in, instead we get that train wreck of reasoning and an ending that I really wish I didn’t read. I mean did we really need to read a Murderer Kill her way through an Entire Kingdom just to die in the most asinine way possible and elevate a warmongering growing Tyrant? No. Sabrina could of been the figure head for the next fic but instead just like her sister she is a scape goat, another footnote in history. I was pending all my hopes on the big reveal that Trixie let herself be killed as a distraction for the Rival Ritual or an epic double Suicide battle, maybe even Alicorn Evil Trixie but instead the way it ended just makes me wish I didn’t pick this up. I still don’t understand how a pony that Killed a group of elite trained Soldiers couldn’t Beat 6 Civilian Girls ether, yea this fic makes no sense after Tartrus.
Up until Tartarus the story was good, the characters had motivation that made sense, that plot moved forward at an even pace and Trixie Goal was clear but after that everyone just did real dumb shit that makes me question why you didn’t just write this as a footnote in Starlights story. I recommend rewriting the Chapters after Tartarus to make these characters actually make sense especially Celestia since there is no way she’d treat Luna that way after spending a freaking century trying to get her back, if anything I’d imagine she’d be Overprotective, Noise, or a straight up Stalker if your going the Evil Information controlling Celestia Route.

I agree with you on most fronts. I said at the ending of this story that it was riddled with mistakes, and I'll say now that these mistakes riddled the structure of the story too, and it was falling apart with each added chapter, and I didn't notice. I was rushing each chapter on a week to week basis, all of what you saw was mostly the first draft with grammar revisions. I could go further with pointing out mistakes in the story than you did, but there isn't much that would do. You already don't like it, and why would I worsen your opinion of my story.

Though I have to disagree with you on some fronts. Most of why Trixie was doing reckless moves was because the Amulet had a corrupting element on her. She wasn't so much focused on saving her sister towards the end as she was continuing to get stronger. Even when she had the state on her side, she eventually wanted to dismantle it and place herself at the top of the rubble. When she made her move to do so, she felt that she was strong enough to do so. Though, I know it isn't good storytelling to have a McGuffin make a character act outside their development. Even though you disliked it, and even though I'm an amateur biting off more than I can chew with this story, I thank you for reading it towards the end and for not giving up on it.

It’s honestly the most depressing part about this, up until the midway point the Story was really good but it fell flat at the Middle and End, the Grammar may not be the best but it’s not the worst out there ether that wasn’t what bother me, it was the drop in Story Quality that did. I’m not saying any of these things to make you feel bad incase that’s what you think I rather you take these observations and improve on them then give up all together.
It may sound like I had only negative experience with this story but there were some really good moments in it, One moment I can think of that I both loved and hated was that part where Glass and Concrete talked. It killed me, it was the most heart wrenching moment for me since the Girl is a fuking bastion of Moral Idealism, she was basically Kiritsugu slowly losing her ideals making me die a little inside. My heart died and I cried for her I wanted to give her a hug, this is me expressing how good a job you did with Concrete’s character. I didn’t really like Glass at all, like I hated him as a person but liked him as a character because while he was a Hero he was the Arrogant self righteous type. He thought he could take the world on by himself and got fucked for it leaving everyone else to clean up the mess, he didn’t listen to Concrete despite reading the report or the fact he had personal experience with her and didn’t even try to negotiate with Trixie after she offered it. What was worse is that he decided to go “Why you Suck” on Concrete after a squad decided to do their own thing basically fucking up the whole mission while acting like he knew better. What kinda of Officer decides to pit the Blame on a commanding officer after his Squad went AWOL even though that commanding officer does his best to keep people alive you ask? A self righteous prick who isn’t used to losing. His character was amazing.
You made some amazing Antagonist for Trixie that were well fleshed out until Tartarus, which is why I’m sad I couldn’t give this story a like, I really do hope you improve upon these points so you don’t fall into those pitfalls again.

I appreciate it because it did feel like I was being trampled on. Though most of it was myself after realizing I was dropping the ball right towards the encounter with Arkon, and the rest of the story was me running after it and only kicking it further away from me until I punted it off a cliff and into an ocean below. The only hope is really to hope that the ball floats to land. It hurt to read what you thought about this story, but it hurt more when I felt the same way in reflection. And it hurt more than that to realize that I'm in over my head and that the sequel to this requires people to read this crummy prequel, and that isn't even guaranteeing that War Against The Sun will be any better. I don't mean to throw a pity party, and I don't mean to make you feel bad, it's just that the image of the story in my head is better than the reality I made of it.

Nah, It’s ok pity parties usually make people feel better me included, I know it’s always nice when me and my friends get together and talk about how lifes kicking our collective asses or how Fucked we are since we have a 10 page college paper we procrastinated on. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it wasn’t my intention it’s just that I needed to be honest with you. I didn’t want to lie to you about my experience with the story but I didn’t want to tear you down ether, wording everything so it didn’t sound like I was cutting you was hard and I’m pretty sure I failed that too. I’m also sorry that I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, despite my disappointment I really did enjoy this story until that point, I just wanted to let you know what I thought went wrong. It’s why I spent an hour going over everything I would say and like 30-40 minutes trying to get my intentions through. Criticism is supposed to be used to help authors be more aware of their flaws so they can improve, while everything I said was true it also had no Tact, which is why I think it turned destructive at some point. Everything I said about you characterization skills was true, I still really do love Concrete and I’m looking forward to seeing more of her. I really do hope you feel better later man, it’s ok to be honest I’m sure no one here would begrudge you for letting your feelings out. Try not to stress on the Sequal, I’ll probably comment on it when it’s finished and I have the time since I try to avoid stories that are unfinished due to cliffhangers. But ether way I’m sure you’ll do fine as long as you take your time, we’re a patient community that wants to see your best work, everyone here is ready to support your story and give you honest criticism so you can improve, mistakes aren’t anything to be ashamed. Try not to let this get you too down.

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