Fast Ponies, Faster Fingers

by TheDriderPony

Who Needs a Map? [Comedy] [Random] [Vinyl] [Octavia]

The pause button nearly cracked under Vinyl’s hoof as she slammed her hoof on it like the Judgmental Hammer of Faust. As the dulcet tones of clashing synths came to a halt, she snapped her flip-phone open with a swift flick of her other hoof.

“Yo, you got the V-Scratch. What up?”

“Vinyl, I thought I said to stop trying to force that nickname. It is neither catchy nor its connotations pleasant.”

“Whatevs, I know you’re just jelly.” She took a swing of her Mt. Canter Ale. “So, you need something Tavi or did you just miss the sweet, sweet sound of my voice?”

“Hilarious. I’m lost and-”

“That’s why I made you a map.”

“This map is worse than useless. Attempting to follow it had assuredly left me more lost than if I’d struck out on my own! And my package isn’t getting any less heavy.”

Vinyl sighed. Her marefriend could be such a drama queen. “Alright, alright. Okay so what’s around you. Gimme a landmark.”

“Well, I’m in an abandoned industrial complex.”

“Chemical or mechanical?”

“How would I possibly know that?”

“Well are you surrounded by vats of funky chemicals or rusty old machine parts?”

“Ah. The former.”

“Great! You’re in the right place then. You see a big old watchtower? Should be… northish?”

“No.”

“Sorry, Eastish.”

“Still nothing.”

“South, then.”

“Vinyl.”

“I got it! It was to the West! You see it? The watchtower?”

A sigh came over the phone. “No. I’m looking North, South, East, and West and I don’t see any sort of watchtower.”

“Cool. You’re probably standing in it then.”

“You couldn’t have said that from the beginning?”

“How? I didn’t know where you were.”

“I- Fine. Where do I go from here?”

“Okay, so you know about how far it is from our place to the Hayburger’s?”

“Yes?”

“Go out the backdoor and walk straightish about that far.”

“What? How does-”

“Keep going till you pass a boulder that looks like Princess Celestia kissing a Bugbear.”

“A who kissing a what?”

“If you hit a big lake of old sludge you’ve gone too far. If you see a sign that says ‘Welcome to Manehattan’ you’ve gone way too far.”

“Vinyl. My back is killing me lugging this around. I’d really appreciate some clear and concise directions.”

“You sure? It’s gonna get complex pretty quick without landmarks.”

“Yes.”

“Alright, you asked for it.” She took a deep breath. “You’re gonna wanna head straight out the back for about three minutes then take a left. Round that building till you come to some flights of stairs. Take the second set up two stories, follow the hallway two lefts and a right, then take the green door not the red one. Take another flight of stairs back down —the metal ones, not the stone. I know they look unstable but they’re fine— till you hit the ground floor. Then you gotta-”

“Okay stop! You’ve made your point! I’ll take the landmarks.”

“You suuuure?”

“Ugh. Yes. Just… keep it simple, please?”

“Gotcha. I’ll take you on the longer path then, it’s got less turns. So you walk till the paved bit turns to gravel. You with me so far?”

“Yes. That much I can do. Wait for me to get there before you continue.”

Vinyl glanced at the clock. “No can do. My set starts soon and my rig isn’t totally online yet. So when you get to that bugbear-stiality rock I mentioned, you wanna shimmy around it and head Weast till you reach some old construction equipment.”

“Wait, what direction was-”

“Ignore anything that moves as you go between the machines. They’re more scared of you than you are of them. Probably. Depends if they’ve eaten recently. Keep going till you get to a brick building that looks like Big Mac if he was a house and also had a broken leg and two antlers.”

“What? I-”

“There’ll be a guard. When he asks for the password, tell him you’re with me. If he doesn’t believe you, stand your ground and use some of that salty foreign swearing I like.”

“Vinyl!” she reared her head back as the voice shot through the phone like the crossbow bolt that took out rock legend Big Booper. “No more riddles! No more crazy twists! Just tell me where to go so I can drop this off and head back to my night off!”

“Okay, okay, fine. Geez, somepony forgot to take their chill pill this morning. Look, turn around and look up.”

“No more weird landmarks Vinyl, I mean it.”

“Calm down and just do it. There. Was that so hard? See me waving?”

“I… you… Vinyl!” The sound cut out suddenly.

Down below, Vinyl watched the tiny figure of her marefriend throwing her phone on the ground. Not a smart move; their plan didn’t cover intentional damage. Still, the money she’d pull from this rave would be more than enough to cover it. Assuming Tavi managed to figure her own way through the facility/rave/festival grounds and find the stage to deliver the backup non-blown-out subwoofer before the whole show started, played out, and ended. She got lost so easily it was hilarious when a gig wasn’t on the line. It took the most convoluted directions to keep her focused and not wandering off.

Honestly, her marefriend was absolutely pants with directions.

Author's Note:

Original Prompt: Pants

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

You've captured the feeling of a guide for a Myst-esque puzzle-adventure game written as an unformatted text file circa 1997. Magnificently done.