If I Did It
If I Did It
by Present Perfect
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, could not enjoy the coolness of autumn sinking into the air around her. She was too busy studying the declination of the sun -- her sun -- and pondering whether she would need to adjust the perigee equations for tomorrow's sunrise.
That she was doing this in the gardens and not in the palace tower filled with all her notes, charts and instruments was, to hear the opinion of her advisors and friends, a major positive sign that she had adjusted to her new reign. Getting out into the fresh air was, as she had heard time and again, very important for one's health. She just couldn't enjoy it. There were too many variables left to compute to their final decimal places.
Which wasn't to say she was unaware of her surroundings. The whole reason she had come out to the gardens in the first place was so she could look at the new 'statue' that had been installed there shortly before she had taken the throne. Though she was not currently looking at it.
She couldn't look at it.
The anger in the changeling queen's eyes was still too fresh in her memory. Those eyes had been alive such a short while ago, she had a hard time believing they wouldn't blink again. That was to say nothing of the pain on the centaur's face, or the fear in the eyes of the pony. The...
Twilight had been practicing self-control recently. Now that she was the princess -- The Princess -- she couldn't let small things get to her the way they used to. Not needling from her friends, not rumors and speculation, not problems that were only as far from becoming disaster as the sun was from casting Equestria back into summer. She had to focus on the big picture, the world before her, the future and not the past, and she had to do so without panicking, catastrophizing, or letting her princessly demeanor slip.
But if there was one part of that statue she really couldn't look at, it was the pony. The little filly. The reminder that there was one person in this whole wide world, whom she had failed in the worst way possible.
Sure, it was likely that Cozy Glow had been incorrigible prior to attending the School of Friendship, that she had attended not out of a wish to learn but a desire to turn knowledge into power. It was possible that she had always been rotten to the core, irredeemable despite the best efforts of all those around her. None of it changed the fact that Twilight had never felt anything like she did now while viewing Discord's statue.
But then, Discord had never been in her care before his second defeat. The thought returned: maybe, just maybe, there had been some tiny detail, some minor sign of a pony reaching out despite herself, that Twilight could have seen but missed. And then they wouldn't be here.
"Speak of Hades, and he shall arrive!"
Once upon a time, a sudden visit from the Lord of Chaos would have startled Twilight out of her thoughts, made her yelp and leap into the air. That was the kind of reaction he enjoyed getting out of ponies, after all. But those times had passed. She had been practicing self-control, after all, and these were the moments when that practice came in most handy.
"I didn't say anything, Discord." She kept her eyes fixed on the horizon, her demeanor princessly and smooth as polished stone. He came up beside her, displacing the air with his serpentine movements.
"Well, if the adage fits," he huffed. "Let's say you were... exuding. It still counts."
"Hm."
His upper body, shrunk to the size of a ferret, entered her field of vision. "Enjoying the weather, are we?"
"Not as such." She paused, making him wait for her attention. The trick to dealing with Discord, whether or not you considered him a friend, was to not rise to any of his bait. "How about you?"
"Oh, you know, just visiting my old standing grounds." He moved alongside the Muse of Victory, mimicking the statue's outstretched hooves. "Making sure my good friend, the Princess of Equestria, is getting her monthly airing out. Standard Lord of Chaos things."
She allowed herself a small smile. He of course was not the sort of person to admit openly to caring about anypony, but he did it now and then, just the same.
A yellow paper crown settled around her horn, atop her real crown, and a brown arm ending in a large paw snaked around her shoulders.
"So, Princess," he said, heedless of her stoicism, "might there be any quandaries, qualms or questions floating about in your royal headness that I, as a good compadre, chum and bosomest of buddies, could assist you in unraveling?"
He conjured an ugly Hearth's Warming sweater, which quickly turned itself into a single length of extremely unsightly yarn. Rarity would have been appalled. Twilight merely raised an eyebrow and gave him a sidelong glance.
"I could ask you the same thing. You rarely pop up unannounced just to check in on friends. Not when there's something burning in your mind that you're wishing somepony would ask you about."
Discord snorted. "Oh, you're no fun anymore, you know that?"
He snapped his talon, and a series of loud neon arrow-shaped signs appeared around the statue of the three villains. Twilight cast him a sardonic look.
"All right, Discord, I'll bite. What's bothering you about the statue? Wasn't their punishment your idea?"
"I will admit to putting the bug into Celestia and Luna's ears." He snapped again and all the signs vanished save the one pointed at Cozy Glow. "But the fact is, I've been waiting months for somepony to ask about the contradiction. Just waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and nothing! It's like nopony's even noticed!"
His voice and mannerisms grew more animated as he spoke, until he grabbed both his ears and pulled. His upper body unzipped into a swarm of bats, which flew a spiral around Twilight and reformed into him on the other side of her.
"It's been driving me positively batty!"
There it was. Discord at last had her at a disadvantage. Not that she was going to let it show. That was old Princess Twilight's wheelhouse.
"What contradiction might that be?"
"Oh, for goodness--!" He drew a hand down his face, then snapped his fingers.
The garden was suddenly replaced by a heavenly realm filled with puffy clouds. Little cherubic Discords with harps and halos floated past, showering them with flower petals. A kazoo band off to their left played an ear-splitting rendition of a song Twilight had last heard sung by Celestia. Before them hung a large black rectangle, like a doorway into a realm of void.
After a moment, an image appeared on it. It was of Twilight and her friends, years ago, standing in Canterlot Castle while the image of Discord crossed through the stained glass surrounding them. The real Discord tapped his foot and motioned impatiently from Twilight to the image of himself, which let out a low, sinister chuckle.
"Did you miss me, Celestia? I missed you. It's quite lonely being encased in stone. But you wouldn't know that, would you? Because I don't turn ponies into stone."
The image of Princess Celestia made an angry retort, but the words were masked by the sound of a flock of geese honking.
"Did you get all that?" asked Discord, rolling the image up like a window shade. The clouds and cherubs dissipated, leaving them once again in the palace garden.
"I will admit," Twilight said slowly, "that memory hadn't occurred to me before now. But it does demand the question..."
Discord grinned, tapping his fingertips together excitedly.
"Given said pronouncement, why would you advocate turning a pony to stone?"
The garden went completely still.
The sky darkened, and it dawned slowly on Twilight that Discord was growing in size. Their surroundings faded to blackness, all except the statue, while his face twisted and contorted until it was filled with a rage she had only ever seen in him when Fluttershy was being threatened. A bolt of lightning struck nearby, loosing a peal of thunder as he pointed to the terrified, petrified visage of Cozy Glow.
"THAT," he boomed.
"IS NOT.
"A PONY!"
All at once, the illusions vanished, and Discord dematerialized with a rush of decompressing air. Twilight gasped, taking a step back. She brushed her hoof across her cheek, surprised first to think that there might be tears there, and once more when she found there were none. It was just the cool autumn breeze, caressing her coat as she looked to the unmoving stone statue.
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This is the third time that particular image has been used as cover art :/
I don't get it. The end at least. Discord blowing his top at least.
Nice twist, though it does beg the question of what exactly Cozy Glow is.
Huh
9891985
Go figure. I wasn't going for originality, just focus on the subject. :B
9891989
It sure does!
This feels like it needs to be resolved. It's a rather unsatisfying ending to an otherwise well-written fic.
"If Cozy Glow is not a pony, despite her appearance, then what is she?"
What's with the title? Is Cozy Glow secretly OJ Simpson or something?
9891998
I second this, I was expecting some philosophy from Discord. This read like the first half of a good story.
Whenever I hear that title, I think of OJ Simpson's book about how he totally didn't murder his wife, but if he did, here's how he would do it.
I've read it. It's chilling.
9892002
No, Discord is. :B
9892009
Intentional!
9892003
Agreed. You wouldn't even need to say what she was, but at least go down the line of thought presented.
9892017
I am following Big Jim's example, and leaving it for the fans to decide. :V
So there's this Japanese ghost story that comes to mind. A samurai is walking through the streets of town at night when all of a sudden he is accosted by a naked man with long hair that completely covers his face. The naked man does this jig in front of the samurai, and the samurai is offended. He places his hand on his sword's hilt and demands that the naked man get out of his sight and show proper respect for the samurai. In response, the naked man turns around, bends over, and there's an eye where his asshole should be.
...that's it. The story ends there.
Okay, so Cozy isn't a pony. Then...what is she? Because there is literally nothing in the show to suggest that she isn't a pony.
... still can't get over how Cozy Glow is just... floating...
9892019
On, satire! Oh hell yes I can get behind satire. Sorry, given the past week I didn’t recognize it. That’s on me.
What the fuck is this comment section.
I feel like you, or someone, needs to take this fic and use it as the basis to a fullfledge story.
9892046
I think the end of her tail might be touching Tirek's shoulder, but...
Yeah, that really bothers me, too. D:
9892064
Nah, I'm just being a lazy jerk. :B
9892097
I am very okay with someone other than me doing this. XD
9892107
Extremely tempted. I actually do have a few ideas that would fit this. And it does say months, so.....I'll get back to you on this.
So Cozy Glow is Pony Young Hannibal Lecter? Or Michael Myers?
9892028
Sounds like a Justice3442 story.
9892028
Not going to start something, but I always felt there was something off the way Cozy said "You ponies" in School Raze. I know ponies is used in place of people, but even taken that into account, either way, it sounds kind of like she doesn't consider herself a pony in some fashion.
Or it was simply never about morals on his part; statues aren't fun, they're not chaotic, and he was bitter at the time, on account of it happening to him. Similar reason as to why I think death never was his first resort.
And if at that point one thinks he'd give the slightest fuck about them being fun, chaotic by that point, those three? They'd be wrong.
This does raise an intriguing question though...
9892019
We already knew this was a cop-out before Mr. Miller was a twinkle in his papa's eye.
9892019
Yeah, I get that, but you could add more. Give us a little more to fill like some of the mystery without giving us too much. Maybe have Discord give some vague hints about what she might be, and Twilight's reaction to that as she tries to figure it out, too. As sit is, Discord just shows up for no reason, says Cozy isn't a pony, then leaves. It isn't particularly interesting.
9892197
She could be a demon filly. Her mama's gonna come for her, but wants her to learn a lesson so she'll wait a week.
Discord isn't a pony, either. In context, it is obvious that the pony-ness of the individual is less important that the not turning into stone part.
The closest thing to a character-based explanation there can be is that Discord wanted to keep them on ice for much later shenanigans, since Cozy would, presumably, grow old and die in Tartarus while this way she can be broken out centuries or millennia later and be no worse for ware.
9891986
I thought it was just me; I still don't quite get the ending and I've gone back and reread it a bunch of times. I must be stupid because I don't understand why is Discord pointed at Cozy Glow and telling Twilight that the statue of said filly isn't really Cozy. Little help?
The idea that Cozy Glow isn't a pony is something that was always in the back of my head. There's this one line in School Raze, Part 1 where she says, "You ponies got it all wrong. Friendship is power!" or something to that effect. The fact that she went out of her way to refer to "ponies" as something other than herself made me feel like she'd eventually be revealed to be some non-pony thing disguised as a pony. But that never happened, despite some very minor evidence pointing to that possibility—admittedly much more evidence pointing to her actually just being a pony, though. Still an interesting idea to play around with!
Now I'm trying to figure out if Discord was being litteral, or more along the lines of: Cozy Glow went against everything it means to be a pony!
9892253
I actually made a oneshot about Cozy Glow being a pony-homunculus. Going to expanded that into a broader universe one day.
9892046
I always figured that her tail was attached to Tirek's shoulder.
9892046
I feel like Chrysalis should't be standing either, she only has one hoof connecting her to the ground
9892217
I literally have none. I kind of wish I did, it's just not a rabbit hole I've ever gone down. This was just an attempt to connect dots in a way that made sense. :B
Well... This was interesting, but ultimately unsatisfying.
Actually a nice turnabout on the current bombardment of "Why weren't you nicer to Cozy Glow
" fics. This could make an effective horror concept as Twilight realizes exactly what beast is contained within... then remembers Discord escaped, and wonders how safe Equestria really is.
Maybe she's someone that figured out or stumbled through the mirror portal. So he's technically right, she wasn't a pony to begin with.
9892009
I've seen it suggested that he was "merely" an accomplice to the actual murderer, in ways other than taking all the blame without any legal consequences which is already plenty as far as said murderer is concerned. So he'd still know everything he needed to know to write that book, while also not technically lying.
I guess in case of really grave offences they'd revoke your pony citizenship?
It's hard to incorporate Discord's visual antics into a story, but you did a great job here!
And, hey... who left this stuff next to that "statue?" A pile of sledgehammers and a sign reading "FREE: TAKE ONE" is just mean-spirited.
9892299
Maybe she rejected her equinity.
9892346
I'd have to look at that scene again, but it sounds like it could be a case of pony pronoun use. The only reason Cozy Glow is a villain is because they were tired of evil unicorns. Speaking to her non-poniness it does strike me that she fits the idea of traditional changelings in myth; a fairy creature that replaces a baby and takes its place. She could be a changelings from Earth?
That sounds racist, you know. Like, turning ponies into stone is bad, but it's ok with non-ponies.
9892756
That’s what she said.
9893338
Two outta three ain't bad? :B
9893415
I mean Discord's reply.
Though he can say whatever he wants anyway, because he's Discord.
9891989
9891999
...I figure it's the obvious. She's a monster. How many fillies have you seen try to steal the magic from all of Equestria? And as much as I like wings and Heel-Face Turns, unrepentant and irredeemable is unrepentant and irredeemable.
9892019
C A R T O O N
L O G I C
9891989
No one has any idea. Per Big Jim, neither did the show staff. They never developed her backstory or any idea what's really up with her powers. She is literally the Designated Evil Child.