Curious of a game she finds, Twilight Sparkle enlists her friends into playing the long forgotten game Lairs & Lycanthropy. Instead of playing the simple game they find themselves pushed into an alternate world where things are far more dangerous and chaotic. Together the group of friends must overcome the challenges this new world presents them to get to the root of why they were pulled there, and how they might return home.
(Cover art was made on commission by Lightningtumble. http://lightningtumble.deviantart.com/)
Chapters (26)
The pacing is sketchy. The grammar is a bit... iffy, as well, and the dialogue is a bit stilted.
There seems to be a good framework for a story here, and your characterization of Twilight seems mostly good.
There's potential but you could use an editor or pre-reader, really.
Hmmm very interesting ...... I wanna see were this is going
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Hey Foxface, thank you for your comment.
After I saw your comment I looked over the story and rewrote the entire chapter. I don't know exactly what the grammar issue was but I tried to fix that up. I did some research on stilted dialogue and I think it flows a good deal better now. Finally I added some extraneous details to try to correct the pacing issue, unfortunately it pushed the content up 2 pages. I hope this corrected the problems you noticed and I'll work on those issues moving forward. Again, thank you for your input.
Edit September 04: I just realized something after writing five full chapters and doing work on a sixth. I misspelled the title of my story. I feel like a complete idiot. Thankfully I fixed it now, so people in the future won't have proof of this fact.
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The dialogue is much better, as is the pacing. There's still a few grammar and spelling issues but those aren't major. You made some good improvements, and I'll be reading.
Just gave it all a big read through. I"m enjoying your story a lot, the setting is neat (heh, they're going to be all set for a darker world once they escape). I quite enjoy that Pinky has been going about it as a game from the start. I also hope her ship was a chekov's gun that we're going to see again in the future.
Here's some off-the-cuff criticisms, since you're begging for feedback (I'm no editor, but I read a LOT, heh)
Everyone's been pretty in-character so far, taking the conflicting memories into account; I hope you touch on Fluttershy's 'nature is cruel' dilemma again.
It's a little disconcerting how the POV shifts from chapter to chapter and sometimes in the chapters (like the start of 5). You're bouncing around from third-person limited to third-person omniscient and limited omnisent (I think). Personally, I prefered the writing in chapters 2 and 6 where you followed the actions and thoughts of just one pony and followed their POV exclusively throughout the chapter. I think it slipped once or twice in chapter 6, but I"ll have to go digging to check. Bouncing back and forth from the limited view to the omniscient view, between chapters, o me, really hurts the flow of your story. I think you should pick one POV style and stuck with it exclusively.
Otherwise, I'd suggest taking a look at some of your conversations. You don't need a 'she muttered' or 'she said' equvulent after each sentence.... some of the conversations are quite clunky, with your interjections of every ponies thoughts between each line. This kinda ties back into the POV thing, since if we cant hear everyone's thoughts, you'll have to convey moods through describing thier observed body language, instead of just telling us. And that leads into the whole 'show don't tell' thing that gets thrown around a lot, which is easy to say, hard to do.
Huh, that all ended up longer than I thought it would. Sorry if any of it sounds harsh, I'm enjoying the story and premise. I hope you're keeping track of thier character sheets (and which system are you using? Pathfinder, 4e?), especially with Pinky Pie knowing all the mechanics. The statuette was a nice plot point, and the Granny Smith the werewolf as at least a mid-level big bad, is genius.
Keep up the good work!
P.S. When are they going to level up?
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Praise Bahamut, the silence was driving me mad, thank you.
(I also hope her ship was a chekov's gun that we're going to see again in the future.) .....well after you said that it is.
(I hope you touch on Fluttershy's 'nature is cruel' dilemma again.) When I was deciding on the story I went through several story arcs each relating on one pony. The second strongest was Fluttershy coming to terms with the clash between what nature is and how it's presented in the show. I felt that I had a stronger story elsewhere though, I think Fluttershy will be running away from the problem, not dealing with it head on. I want to try to address the issue where I can, but ultimately there's only so much room in each act and I need to set up the main plot of the story, sorry.
(t's a little disconcerting how the POV shifts from chapter) Granted, but I didn't want to make any one pony the star of the story, I wanted them to all have their moments. You know, like the movie Alien, you don't know who the star is till the end. (and sometimes in the chapters) What? No I don't, my....*looks* Crap, you're right...I'd better fix that.
(Otherwise, I'd suggest taking a look at some of your conversations. You don't need a 'she muttered' or 'she said' equivalent after each sentence) I...I don't know any other way, but I'll work on it.
(I hope you're keeping track of their character sheets)....ummm...Well now I am.
(and which system are you using? Pathfinder, 4e?) Pathfinder, although homebrew to account for ponies.
(P.S. When are they going to level up?) Around the end of the chapter after the one I just posted.
Yay for an update!
First, my impressions/critique:
I re-read chapter 8, and it looks like you made several edits to help with the 'show not tell' thing, and it flows a lot nicer now. , this chapter also flows really well, with your chosen POV. I liked that you skipped the travel part and tossed us straight into Ponyville, though a reminder at the end of the last chapter that they weren't in Ponyville still would have been nice, mostly due to the serial nature of the fic - I'd forgotten over the past week that the Apple clan wasn't just outside Ponyville in the game world.
My biggest critique with this chapter is the use of fuck by all the characters - it's jarring, and broke my suspenders of disbelief for a moment. I know not everyone is a fan of swapping our buck for fuck, which I can respect, since they've all just re-grown up in a grimdarkish world. Even if you decide to still use it, it was repetitive. The profanity I usually read more along the lines of 'ponyfeathers' 'horseapples' or 'bloody hells' or 'by Celestia/Luna's beard/mane/flaming orgasms/whatever' (Kkat's Fallout : Equestria is a prime example of wonderfully done pony profanity; I'll see you in a couple of weeks if you start reading it). Fuck is a crude, jolting word, and casual use, really diminishes it's impact. If you use it regularily, what are you going to gave the characters say later when you get to a classic "Oh. Fuck." moment when the bone-dragon lich - that's a level 30 uber-monster - rears up from its undead slumber before the girls could stop the summoning ritual?
Back on topic, in my opinion, the use here: "This wasn’t the rampant chaotic destruction she had first suspected, but a deliberate well orchestrated plan to fuck everything up one step at a time", is especially unwarranted, and kinda lazy, and if it was Twilight thinking it, I don't think we've seen here swear yet - so it's jarring. "This wasn’t the chaotic rampage she had first suspected, but a deliberatly orchestrated plan to methodically tear the town to pieces." is my suggested alternative.
OKay, comment the second: where I actually talk about plot points!
First off, poor, angry angry Derpy. I have to wonder if it's her father's shade that's running the GM cube, or if it's another big bad, a la the Nightmare. Having her start of where her campaign with her father left off instead of re-living her life is what I assumed happened, and I hope someone asks about her past next chapter to confirm whether she re-grew up here of if she appeared at the moment the actual game started. And I'm also going to call out her father's death as a chekov's gun, that's going to go off a few chapters down. I hope so, at least. "cause if all the character sheets got pulled in, presumably here Father's did as well...
I quite like the moral dichotomy you have going on between Pinkie (don't be silly, it's all just a game! Looting the bodies is no problem!) who's acting your average joe at the table rolling dice, and the rest of the Mane 6, who are all struggling to match up this world's required actions and morals to the ethics the originally grew up with - players who have to take a long look at their choices and truly role-play, heh. I hope you touch more on that for each of them in the future. Twilight especially seems to be struggling with this, though Rainbow Dash and Applejack seem to have a solid handle on it and will do whatever's required. Rarity seems conflicted as well, though will also do what's required. Fluttershy... you havn't really touched on her thoughts much since the were-pony execution scene, and I'm not quite sure just how much grimdark she's soaked up, if any at all.
Thanks for the update, hope to seem more soon!
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Heh, thanks! You were right about some of the cussing in the last chapter and it was toned down a bit. Thanks for getting the point I was making by showing Pinkie in contrast to the rest of the party. Whenever I'm playing it's easy to forget that what the players experience and ignore can easily become traumatic for a character. On the same note a decision, even when sound, can become heartless when moving from player to character so I wanted to illustrate that.
I was avoiding touching on Fluttershy because quite frankly, I like her. However, as it's planned out she does need to be in a few chapters. Honestly, I didn't think of discussing Derpy's background until you mentioned it. Her being in the town grieving was just a bullet point I wanted to hit to make a point later on. Naturally it makes sense to let everyone know, so idea stolen, idea used. :)
Late commenting here, my apologies, but lets take a go at it:
Okay, Fluttershy has been bit or something. She's going to turn into a werepony isn't she? She's angsting hard...and now she's going to become a monster like she doesn't want to be.
Something is affecting Shy, she's having a lot of doubting, nasty thoughts about her friends here... Is that all Fluttershy, or is the Lycanthropy changing her attitudes? Calling Pinky insane, then a coward, even if it's in her own head: New Fluttershy seems to be making a small re-appearance.
How long will Shy's be able to stay in denial? Is this foreshadiwing of her betraying her going to the dark side because she thinks her friends think she's worthless? Maybe that then a Triple cross? And did Pinkie notice Fluttershy acting strange before the cannon went off?! *Gasp*
Good to know how Derpy ended up in the world. I'd think I was going mad too if I suddenly had x many years of memory stuffed into my head.
I'll have to go digging for Dash calling Derpy a monster, I don't recall that. (Oh wait - she overheard Dash describing the scene to Twilight when they first came into town! Ouch.)
The troll was a nasty surprise, and that was a pretty intense battle.
How does Derpy know the writer who made the module? A friend of her Father's perhaps? Considering the game has been hidden for so many years, I imagine this wasn't a well published author, nor a 'official' module.
The meta-humor in having an over the top red and black alicorn as the the in-story big bad is classic. I hope you get the girls to call him out for how cliche he is in the middle of a monologue.
I hope Pinkie gets to say "So, 'Sorry Starsoul Knights, the Princess is in another castle' about sums is up?" when she wakes back up.
Critique time!
The POV was steady and great in this chapter, it flowed really well.
There were a couple points in the battle scenes that might have been paced a bit faster - shorter sentences, maybe, to speed up how fast the reader reads?
A few individial points below:
" Her head hung in shame once more, they were formulating a plan to help Celestia." - Something is off about the grammar here. I think you were trying to say something along the lines of '[Rejoining her friends,] Her head hung in shame once more [-] they were formulating a plan to help Celestia."
"The three moved into the goblins much the same way a cart would run over wildlife, but instead of crushed grass and flowers there was only a slaughtered trail of blood and bone in their wake" When you say wildlife here, I think of rabbits or deer, which makes the last half of the analogy not really effective.
"A horrific scream erupted from her maw" - Hard to tell who's screaming here, Rarity or Dash. Having to stop and think about that hurts the flow of the battle scene.
"The heavy steel shield and mystical long blade left Derpy's" Second time this chapter you called Derpy's sword mystical. 'shimmering blue blade' or even 'magical longsword' would work just as well without the repeat of the phrasing.
On a random note, ponies in the show don't say 'everyone' they always say 'everypony' even when non-ponies are included, like Spike.
Overall it was a great chapter! There's been a clear improvement in your writing as the story goes on here, I'm looking forward to the next one!
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Good to hear from you, and I wouldn't consider it a late comment, after all it's a free story on the internet :) I'm just happy for the help improving. On a similar note though I'm sorry on taking so long to get to the next chapter. There was kind of a flood and things got hectic for a while, caught up on four fantasy books though. Those authors are goddamn geniuses, I can see why they get paid to weave stories.
Thanks on the Derpy thing. I was trying to get across that despite horrific actions she wasn't a monster, she just kind of snapped. As for Fluttershy, I've got a few plans. I'm finding it surprisingly difficult to juggle six/seven different character developments at the same time, guess it just takes practice.
The Pinkie thing...I feel like adding pop-culture references kind of pulls the reader out of the story. Brandon Sanderson and Brent Weeks don't do it, and I'd like to write like them...you know, except not as good because those guys are brilliant. I think the line would have been hilarious though.
The POV was steady and great in this chapter, it flowed really well. (Progress, yay!)
There were a couple points in the battle scenes that might have been paced a bit faster - shorter sentences, maybe, to speed up how fast the reader reads? (This one isn't my fault. I originally wrote it the way you suggested. My editor likes long sentences and every time I make short ones she changes it to longer ones. She's smarter than me you see, so I usually listen to her. I'll stand up on her on this one next time.)
(This one isn't my fault either, that's not the line I wrote. I checked with my editor and she's pretty sure wildlife means grass and bushes. I told her she was wrong and I'll correct it. She won't admit she's wrong mind you, but considering I love her there's **** all I can do about it.)
The others were mistakes I made myself and I'll make corrections to fix it, I simply missed the error.
(On a random note, ponies in the show don't say 'everyone' they always say 'everypony' even when non-ponies are included, like Spike.) This one I will fight you on. In "The Last Roundup" and "The Return of Harmony Part 1" they say anyone and everyone respectively. I'm counting it.
Anyway. The next chapter is pretty much ready to go, I'll be doing a final read for errors, then posting tonight. Then I'll fix up those mistakes from last chapter.
I like that captain. He gets an
order and just rolls with it.
My comments won't be quite as in-depth this time, a bit rushed in RL.
I really like the identity conflict Rariity is going through. Heh, she's completely confused Derpy with her conduct. The dialogue between those two flows really well.
The scene transition was was nice and smooth. And we get to see the Wave Crester again! Huzzah for chekov's guns going off, and Pinkie gets her ship back!
Overall a very well put together chapter - it reads smooth, and is paced well. A bit shorter than some of your other ones, but ending it here makes sense.
Nitpick of the chapter:
This sentence may be technically grammatically correct (I"m iffy there) but it really runs on. Things even seemed to be going their way/sometimes luck just goes in your favor is repeating yourself in my eyes, and I say it would read better with just one or the other in that sentence. And the bit after 'cannon' just calls to me for a - or a ; .
Right off, we can read Twilight's stream of thoughts in the narrative this chapter, which is nice, but not quite the same as was happening when we followed Rarity in Ch. 11. I like this form more, to be honest. That said, you switch between that and the narrator telling us what twilight is imagining, and the stream of consciousnesses straight from Twilight. Just a bit odd.
The above said, this chapter is awesome! The naval fight brewing reads and feels like an naval battle should; slow and ponderous, and the menace bearing down on the ship. The pacing is spot on, perfect for this (while the troll battle dragged in spots).
Great thinking on the use of the portable cannon. Derpy is showing how Lawful Good she is, compared to Pinkie's clear Chaotic Neutral. I'd probably have clocked Pinkie too. Fireworks and smokescreen is an excellent tactic, and Rarity almost fainting at the wasted bits is gold. I wonder if Derpy is going to catch flak from the the Mane 6 and the crew for decking PInkie out.
And now that they've outrun Vorpal, I'm curious as to whether we'll see them run the rest of the blockade or transition to the next port or the battle of the aftermath. Though as much as I'd love to see more naval shenanigans, for the sake of the story I imagine the rest of the blockade run will be a recollection.
Nitpick:
mere -> mare, please
Stallions, not sailors? Is the Entire crew besides Pinkie male?
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Point to you, I'll leave off on this from now on
Just reread chapter 2 and noticed:
The big bad gamemaster is someone who knows Twilight already. Given that King Somber can't say more than 5 words and growl, the Nightmare didn't have claws, and this deep voice hates rules, that narrows down the playing field a lot
cdn.derpiboo.ru/thumbs/800/600/2012/11/11/09_36_27_296_148544__UNOPT__safe_princess_luna_princess_celestia_discord_statue_artist_scyphi
View on Derpibooru - Original source
Any and all comments are appreciated since I'm learning. In depth or not :) . I'm glad my dialogue's getting better. I noticed that some books I've read have a fair amount of dialogue in a chapter and that's something I was avoiding. I know the chapters are short, in my notes the sea battle and time in town were one chapter, but I wanted to give Rarity more time to develop. The chapter I just posted should help bring things up to a pleasant standard though.
( Things even seemed to be going their way, Twilight had even found a captain that was willing to take them in exchange for their cannon, apparently he had lost one recently, sometimes luck just goes in your favor) Yeah...that's a grammatical error I make sometimes. I fixed that up now, but damn you're thorough.
(while the troll battle dragged in spots). Again with the troll battle! Allright! Allright! I just cut the pauses out of the troll battle. It feels correct now I think. I'll go over it again in a day and see if I can cut down on some compound sentences.
(I'd probably have clocked Pinkie too.) I probably would have too. There's always an emotional disregard for the well being of NPC's from the players at my table. I could completely see one of my players going "I fire the cannon into the crowd. No, I tell everyone I feel terrible about the innocents, really."
(Stallions, not sailors? Is the Entire crew besides Pinkie male?) No. Captain Anjin is just sexist, most sailors or soldiers are stallions. Since he grew up in that environment he just got used to it, and most of the mares who join the crew sort of adapt. It's one of the main reasons Pinkie needs a surrogate to take command of the ship instead of doing it herself...I suppose I should probably have written that down somewhere?
(Just reread chapter 2 and noticed:) Crud, you got me. I needed someone with a lot of power to make the story work, but if I made an OC that powerful everyone would roll their eyes at my mary sue. Unfortunately the MLP rogue's gallery is fairly limited. I know it's kind of a cliche at this point, but I think I can make it work.
So, it wasn't just FLuttershy going wolf on us at the troll. Interesting... . She's defiantley a Lycan now though. And Pinkie has defiantly had run ins with them before if she keeps wolfsbane on her at all times. I don't think that Pinkie knows that Fluttershy is one though, despite that Shy thinks Pinkie does.
Unless I'm reading into it too much, and Fluttershy's 'condition' that Pinkie refers to isn't her anger managment issues, but the whole lycan thing. Whoops. Occam's Razor says disregard the last few sentences, heh.
Derpy has a lot of tough decisions to make. Being a leader is hard, especially when it's thrust on you. I hope she's up to the challenge. Also, teleporting enemy Knights? Not cool. Next chapter: jailbreak scenario!
Nitpicking time:
Double capitilization there.
If the Starsoul order of knights is capilized, shouldn't the Zephyr Knights be as well?
I liked the tone of the chapter, and the Shy's internal fighting with herself worked really well. Looking forward to the next one!
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No complaints on the smaller chapter sizes, they work quite well, especially to bounce around viewpoints. You pick good moments to end chapters on, without everyone being a cliffhanger.
I wasn't blasting the troll battle, just referring to my earlier post, there was no need to go and edit it again!
I'm glad you spent some more time on this issue, and on how Pinkie views her friends as more important than anyone else.
And yeah, Discord may be a bit cliche, but like you say, not a lot to choose from. I hope you manage to get some of his more fun-loving aspects to come through at some point (having the viceroy cornering the market on chocolate milk and cotton candy, perhaps?). The sudden arrival of the blockade and targeting of Derpy and her new companions is a good indicator that the GM is taking an active role in going after our intrepid band of
cuthroatsponies.I just opened chapter 14 and, oh my, I am forced to wonder why this isn't getting more love. Granted I only stumbled onto it because the cover art showed up on EqD, so I decided to give the fic it was made for a read through. I'll be brief in my critique, I like it and wish to see it continued. Depending on when I finish chapter 14, since I have three things to read before it ( too much reading), I might have a more elaborate critique and such. But, suffice to say, I like it.
Well, I guess I get to write more. Something I noticed in the last chapter and this one, the voice in Fluttershy's head. While I can tell when it's the voice, since it's quite a departure from the normal narrative, convention for that sort of thing would be to make it italics to differentiate it as an alien thought. Although, not doing that could be justified if it's not an alien thought. The issue is, however, that because of how those thoughts are worded, as a line of dialogue, they lend themselves to italicization, and allows for a slow roll back of said italicization as those thoughts slowly become the normal thoughts for Flutters.
As for the last line, I hope you intended it as over the top comic hilarity, because that's how I read it. It's just ridiculous, but I have to nitpick something. I know what you we doing with the hyphens, using them to put emphasis on what they flank, but you need to uses either a double hyphen --like that--, or an actual dash. Still, I enjoyed the chapter, and for Pinkie's end of the chapter action to be fantastic. I get the feeling that she shouldn't have done that though.
1690143 First and foremost, HOLY **** my ******* cover are made it onto EqD? I know it's lightningtumble's work, but I did commission it so I'm going to leech some minimal contact pride. That's freaking awesome!
Secondly I'm a new writer and it's my first book, each chapter I lay down people have been nice enough to critique me so I can learn from my mistakes and improve. When this came out it didn't have cover art and I needed a good slap in the face from Foxface, even ch 1 has undergone four revisions as everyone helped me become a better writer. So I'm feeling the love.
Okay, I looked up how to emphasize words. I learned from my editor and as it turns out she didn't know the difference between a dash and a hyphen. I'll stop being a wuss and go change them to italics when I have time, the lycan urges as well.
The last line. When I started this book I wanted it to be fun and upbeat, however I'm basically making this up as I go along and revising it depending on where the story goes. So it seems I'm not so good with fun or upbeat and I want my characters to suffer. This scene was one I was looking forward too because I found it a lot of fun when I thought it up, I hope it comes across as comic relief and not a jarring tonal shift.
Thank you for helping me :) !
1651271 Hey Norwest! (Next Chapter: Jailbreak Scenario!) ...heh...If it's that obvious I'm not going to try and hide it from you guys.
(If the Starsoul order of knights is capilized, shouldn't the Zephyr Knights be as well?) I've honestly got no goddamn idea....google, get over here!...As it turns out orders of knights are to be capitalized because it's technically the name of an organization...I'll fix. I promise.
The troll battle needed editing, I was just pissy that I lost 400 words or so in the cut. For some reason I confuse length with quality.
As for Discord...as part of the story his actions are going to be a bit more muted. It's a major focus of the story. I'll finish the story first, then with a look back I can determine if he's fun loving enough to be recognizable as Discord. If not I'll review my options at that time.
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Oh it was comic and up beat, and over the top silly. It was a nice change.
Everyone else:
She got him mid-monologue too. Pinkie is done with this game. Damn. Either that or was trying to do something else and rolled a critical fail.
Hehe, I hope Celestia's face is as shocked as the rest by the assassination and Dash's reference to her 'wrinkled ballsack'. I like the swear there, I really do. A totally appropriate place to drop the f-bomb.
Backing up some, I really enjoy how you sped past the possibly boring parts of the planning and stuff by having Fluttershy just not care, while she concentrates on not ripping all the ponies apart.
'It's been a lifetime since I've been to a Pinkie Party' - that's a great line.
Poor Windjammer, pining away for Pinkie... I didn't clue in that she was the one that wanted to hop into bed with Pinkie until Pinkie mentioned it, but it makes a lot of sense. And Rarity has gotten good at backstabbing without hesitation now, awesome.
I like how Shadowflame's throne room closely mirrors the one in the show. I bet that his monologue was going to drop an important plot point about the glowing red collar around the Princess's neck, though, hehe.
Keep up the awesome work Neo. This was a great chapter!
Nitpicking time:
I agree with Scurvy - italisizing the Fluttershy's Lycan thoughts would help keep them separate. A bit of a pain, I"m sure, but it's standard BB code, so hopefully not too hard ( [.i] then [./i] without the periods). If you do change it though, keep an eye on the admin blogs, I think I saw one last week talking about swapping the site over from BB code tags to html ones.
This scene is awesome, but... The first sentence doesn't seem to pack enough punch for me, with him just getting shot in the face - for example, we don't really need to know the snap was a sound, and probably not that his speech was interrupted; the word cutting off mid-sentence is a good indicator there. Maybe something like 'His head jerked back as a sudden SNAP echoed out from Fluttershy's left.'
The approximations in this paragraph don't do it justice at all. Perhaps 'stumbled to his side' vs. 'stumbled a step or two to the left' (does it matter if he goes left or right?), or "without warning" vs 'without much more warning' - what was the other little bit of warning that didn't get mentioned?
If it's a judgment call on where the blood is coming from 'Likely from...' then that should probably be pointed out to be Fluttershy's internal note, not the narrator. 'shaft... met his face' Maybe entered his face? The imagery is kinda ambiguous for the sort of wry comment you seem to be trying to do there.
Lastly (I promise!), you told is he fell in a lifeless heap, then in the next sentence told us he was lying still on the floor again. Without anything extra, in that beat sentence, it's redundant. Maybe "Somepony coughed. Viceroy Shadowflame lay unmoving on the polished marble. The only motion came from the slowly expanding red pool on the floor around him."
And I totally just over-analyzed your climatic anti-climax. Sorry.
Uh, keep up the good work and I'll over-critique you again next week? And enjoy another great chapter too, heh.
Hmm... is that Discord the real Discord, or a DMPC of Discord controlled by Discord? Also, it's nice to see that my thought that Derpy's dad had a Jumanji incident was correct. And now for a stereotypical necromancer interlude, before the main questline resumes. Suddenly zombies and skeletons everywhere, with cheesy lines from the villain... or the stereotypical necromancer is Sombra. Now I want a sidequest where they fight Sombra, with Pinkie going on about lute, pun intended.
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(I bet that his monologue was going to drop an important plot point about the glowing red collar around the Princess's neck, though, hehe.) You know it, but when players want their surprise round they usually get it...
As both you and scurvy suggested I've begun changing wolf-Fluttershy's inner thoughts to italics and also emphasized words as well.
(Uh, keep up the good work and I'll over-critique you again next week? And enjoy another great chapter too, heh.) Don't be ridiculous. Your critiques have become the high point of my week. I understand the implications that holds for me as a person *shrug* So I'm vain now. Eh, there's worse things I could be.
Anyway, thanks again. I appreciate all the help, though I'm happy to say that Act 2 is finally done. So it shouldn't be long before I can tie this all up and hit the complete button.
Unrelated note: I finished Fallout: Equestria. Holy bahamut does that go on forever! Still, despite some over the top wordy parts closer to the end it was really well done. I particularly liked the detailed environmental descriptions, I'll have to go back and study how s/he did that so well. Well, onward!
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Heh, not adding sombra. The amount of fiction that suddenly exploded with the character only hours after the episode came out bugged me. It made me feel like they make a story to make a story instead of having a story to tell. I don't know if you're referencing something with the necromancer...but why not? It's D&D I'm sure there's room for a necromancer somewhere. (*begins thinking about how a necromancer can enhance said story*)
You sneaky sneak, I hadn't even noticed Fluttershy's starvation. I will admit, Wolfshy's eating of the raccoon just felt adorable to me. I'm not sure why, but maybe everything Wolfshy does from now on is just going to come off as adorable to me, and I'm fine with this. Nitpick, end of fifth paragraph " (thats a fragment, fix!)done!," and there was one superfluous 'and' and a 'she' instead of 'her.' But, the moral is constantly improving, and everyone likes to better themselves, and you are doing that. Pretty soon I won't even be able to notice anything anymore.
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Just that evil wizards/necromancers with hordes of undead are an old standard, like goblins, owlbears, lizardmen, bandits. And don't you know their name's going to be something cheesy like Ebony Dark'ness Baron of Ravencrowkill. Honestly, Discord recycling old PCs to serve as throw away villains is a sure sign that he's not that creative, or that he's lazy, possibly both.
1747209 My editor said the same thing about Wolfshy. She said I can't possibly expect anyone to take Fluttershy seriously as a giant fearsome creature. Ah well c'est la vie.
The (That's a fragment) bit was an editor's note, and I'm silly for not getting it out of there sooner, thanks for pointing it out. I don't know if I can get away with making a cliche villain by pointing out how cliche he is twice in one story...but if I can they're totally going to be called Ebony Dark'ness.
Now that the site is not being updated I can post this. Silly Twilight, Bards don't use spellbooks. Next she'll be trying to steal a warlock's invocations or a cleric's prayers.
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Nothing says Wolfshy can't be both, and to me she is. Adorably fearsome. Fearsomely adorable. And I might as well hand over the source for the name, as I go with the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sue's that /tg/ made. And who said anything about a cliche necromancer villain? There are loads of ways to not make the standard "Dark Wizard" feel dull, you just have to get creative. Three fillies in a trenchcoat?
The framing seems to work. And Twilight is being silly again. Silly Twilight Pinkie's not a lycan, and Wolfshy seems to be making Fluttershy more confident... did Iron Will make Fluttershy a werepony?
Y'know, when someone tells me they wrote something as a "necessary evil," I tend to doubt them.
I'm pretty sure there is no such thing, if you can work out how to integrate the "evils" fluidly into a story.
Additionally, the frivolous cursing is frivolous. It conveys nothing special and could even be interpreted as out of character, given the characters.
Good intro. Lot's of emotion, some character motivation, establishes personality and gives the reader preference to the character. The cursing is in a somewhat more acceptable context (Though "They're going to kick the shit out of you" is just the least serious line for something that's supposed to be serious).
When you call Rainbow Dash "blue," the mind calls up a deeper shade than what she normally is. If you don't intend it to be that shade of blue, you need to specify a little.
The bleed-through of the original character slowly achieving self-awareness in pieces is pretty nice.
You describe two pieces of an entire fight and effectively just say "a bar fight happens." Dis be bad idea. It provides a window of opportunity to present Rainbow's legitimacy as a monk warrior and you just "PUSH A TO SKIP CUTSCENE."
You mention Boarstalker's name before she does and the reason this happened is because it was in the same paragraph in which you were intending to introduce the name.
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I stand by assertion that some people just swear more than others and that sometimes it'll be frivolous. That said, the particular swear word you pointed out is unnecessary for a student of that religion, I'll fix it.
I suppose you're right about Rainbow Dash's colour, I'll correct for it when I introduce her but I don't think it'll be necessary every time I refer to her later on.
I cut that fight scene out because I knew the chapter had gone way over what I'd meant to get. I thought I might be adding in combat specifically to add in more "action scenes" I'll try putting it back and looking it over. I'll correct the Boarstalker issue while I'm at it.
Thank you.
Pinkie Pie is Roger Rabbit. Her ability to do the impossible only works when it's funny, not when it's convenient to the plot. But whatever.
Rainbow picking up meditation: Interesting trait. Good.
Rarity doing the "thief pretending to be of another, powerful profession" thing. Classic. Unfortunately, she doesn't get to accomplish anything significant yet. This is counterbalanced by Dash embracing the monk style.
Combat banter between Dash and Truncheon feels a little childish. Y'know, like bad, angsty, self-inserts tend to sound like.
Extra " at the end of the fight.
Feels a little anti-climatic that the crowd is the key element in actually stopping him. It's a good moment for Rarity to disable him with her poison first.
Bare Grills. Feels like I should be cringing. I'll just let that slide...
Good establishment of Fluttershy as a character and dodging the cliche of everyone just finding the interloper.
A fight scene summarized in one paragraph. Well, for a stomping, you could only need to expand on it just a little bit.
Fluttershy's eyes aren't pink, y'know. I mean, they could be if she wanted them to be, given the game.
"Sent him crashing to the ground"? When was he standing? Wat? Did we miss something here?
Little bracket, you have no business being up there! You're supposed to be working backstage!
The Dread Pirate Pinkie Pie. I likes.
Twilight feels like it's an apocalyptic alternate timeline. Pinkie just treats it like a game, which it is supposed to be. Also likes that silly.
Pinkie using metaphysical deduction to figure shit out: Much better than "just because." Do watch your step, though. Too much "fourth wall" breaking and it'll just seem like Pinkie Pie can't maintain a character.
An amusing interaction between Pinkie and Rarity, yes.
There you go again with the ill-timed cursing. Pinkie doesn't seem like the type to casually describe something as "shit," especially when she's effectively dancing around this entire concept of existence as a character like nothing. If you put the wrong words in the wrong places, you jar the reader out of immersion. It'd be the same thing as Rainbow Dash seriously reciting Shakespeare as casual dialogue.
Pinkie being stopped from making a poor decision. Good good.
All in all solid. Had nothing particularly special to bitch about.
Also, what he said, I guess.
1913324. Ok, response time.
Bar fight has been put back in. I looked over Ch.1 and Ch.2 for frivolous cursing but I couldn't find any. Maybe some dialogue that might be out of character, but I think the fact that there's drinking and implied sex going on in ch1 got the point across that things are slightly different to start with in this universe.
(Little bracket, you have no business being up there! You're supposed to be working backstage!) Eeep! *blush* Sorry, he's new. *Shoves backstage*
(Do watch your step, though.) I'll try. My goal is to make Pinkie very smart and have the ability to think ahead without having precognition.
(There you go again with the ill-timed cursing.) Honestly since the meaning wasn't with malice I didn't even think of it as a curse word. I've changed it in case it bothers anyone else.
(Bare Grills. Feels like I should be cringing.)...would it help if I told you this was supposed to be a comedy when I started?
(A fight scene summarized in one paragraph.) I glazed over the fight scene because it's not the point. The chapter is about Fluttershy's character growth. Her giving the order to kill is more important than how it was done. I suppose it couldn't hurt to give it a bit of an expansion, just to show the druids as a serious threat. I'll run it by my editor.
(Fluttershy's eyes aren't pink)....corrected, and I'll turn in my brony card at the nearest brony station for that one.
(Combat banter between Dash and Truncheon feels a little childish.) Hmmm...I don't know immediately how to correct this. It'll be difficult as they're both acting, Truncheon for the crowd and Rainbow for Truncheon. I'll have my editor look at it and then I'll do some research on combat banter and see if I can have it done better while still fulfilling the purpose.
(Extra " at the end of the fight.) It has been hunted down and executed. The state thanks you.
(Feels a little anti-climatic that the crowd is the key element in actually stopping him.) Rainbow needed to turn the crowd against him so that they would question their feud with the Apple Clan so I counted that as a victory for her. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have Rarity join in and be the first to go after him and pull Truncheon off with a stranglehold or something. I'll talk to my editor first before changing it though
All in all, thank you for pointing out several things that could be improved, and areas that I succeeded in. I promise I'm trying to learn from my mistakes
A few chapters back, you hit a thematic groove and I have nothing to add.
Don't understand half your chapter titles, though.
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They're chess terms that match the main motions of the chapters they're in. It's to show that even though we have the main characters struggling to overcome obstacles and ultimately becoming the heroes of the story, they are simply pawns in the much larger game between two much more powerful opposing forces.
Ahh duuude. Do not go and end chapters on cliffhangers all the time.
You have no idea how long it's going to take you to finish the next and it'll frustrate the reader if they don't want to wait for you to finish the entire story before they actually read it.
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Cliffhangers are necessary, dramatic, and fairly useful. Last chapter wasn't one, but the one before it was. I'm guessing the next chapter we'll be with Rarity and Twilight again, and we'll have the escape.
Also, Dashie failed her spot checks, but I wouldn't expect her to do well. Her listen checks however... or is wisdom her dump stat?
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Sorry to disappoint, I flipped back and forth between doing the (Rarity/Twilight) thing or this and decided it would be best to resolve this first. Dash's listening skills are superb, she was a monk once so wisdom isn't her dump stat. The threat of the monster is that it is so quiet and fast no one can see it coming. It's not a sleight on Dash's abilities, it's a testament to how dangerous this thing is.
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I'm sorry, I try not to always end chapters on cliffhangers, but sometimes it seems appropriate. I need to write the story the way it should be written when it's done. After all, in a few months when everyone has finished reading this and my story fades into obscurity forever, the only one who will care how it was written will be me.
Twilight being sneaky, I approve. How many points does Pinkie have in UMD?
Celestia's wrinkled teats this is an incredible story, faved and thumbs up.
Well... that's unexpected. I'm having trouble figuring out how to feel about this twist. But, I do know that I want to know just what Discord's plan is. Left field is best field.
th08.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/266/b/a/discord_wallpaper_by_ecmc1093-d4aq3j1.png
hurry save her and end the game, and maybe realy do play the game.