• Published 16th Oct 2019
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Trust Once Lost - Greenhorne



When I agreed to be sent to Equestria I didn't read the fine print. I'm the wrong age, the wrong gender, and lost in the wilderness.

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Mind Over Matter

I stumbled out of the bathroom. I could feel everypony’s gaze pressing down on me, making it hard to breathe. My vision was blurry as tears welled in my eyes.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry you stupid -

It was no use. Everyone could see me crying and they were probably all laughing at me. My chest hurt.

“Go away!” I screamed at the ponies looming over me, “Leave me alone!”

“It’s alright Green,” said Applebloom, “It’s just us.”

“I’m fine!” I sobbed.

“Yer not fine.”

I shivered as a much larger figure blocked out the sun.

“What’s going on here?” Asked Cheerilee.

“Ah think Green is having a panic attack.”

“I’ll be fine.” I grit my teeth. “Just go away.”

“You girls run along now,” said Cheerilee, “I think Green needs some quiet time to calm down.”

I inhaled, and felt the grass beneath my hooves, and the rough, cool, bricks of the wall I was leaning against.

I exhaled. Sweat had soaked into my coat and I shivered; thankfully it didn’t itch.

“I’m okay,” I said.

I want to die.

“Are you sure?” Asked Cheerilee.

“Yes.”

I have to get out of here, everyone is looking at me.

“Okay,” said Cheerilee, “Well I just wanted to see you in my office.”

Oh thank god.

“You’re not in trouble.” She added.


Cheerilee’s office was larger than I expected. It was as wide as the classroom it shared a wall with and almost half as long. One long wall was taken up with pigeon holes and filing cabinets, the opposite wall was covered with children’s art projects; some appeared brand new while others were curling and yellowed with age. At the far end of the room, against the window, was a child-sized cot, partly obscured by a curtain, next to a white locker marked with a red cross. A door next to it led to what I assumed was a bathroom.

“Do you feel like you need to lie down?” Asked Cheerilee.

“No, I’m fine.” I said. “I just don’t want to go back out there.”

“There’s a bathroom here if you still need to go.”

I felt like I did, but I’d just been, so obviously it was just my stupid body being scared.

“I already went.” I said

“So why did you go in the colt’s bathroom?” She asked.

I felt the urge to facehoof. Instead I just groaned in frustration.

“Green?”

“Because I had to pee, alright?”

“What I mean is, why didn’t you use the filly’s bathroom? If you couldn’t find it, it’s just around the other side.”

“Because I didn’t need to pee anymore.” I snarked.

Cheerilee sighed.

“Green, it’s important that-”

A blast of hot air came from my nose and I felt my forehoof scratching at the floor.

“If you think it’s so damn important why don’t you flip me over and check?” I growled.

Cheerilee took a step back.

“You’re not in trouble, Green.” Cheerilee repeated, “But it’s important that I know if there’s a reason you didn’t feel comfortable using the fillies’ restroom. Were the other fillies being mean to you?”

“No.”

Cheerilee waited for me to elaborate.

Fortunately, the bathroom symbols were easy enough to understand. Two pony silhouettes, one with a dress. Unfortunately, I went to the ‘wrong’ bathroom on twenty years of habit.

“I really had to go, so I just ran to the first bathroom that I saw.”

Close enough.

“If you need to use the restroom during class all you have to do is ask.” Cheerilee said.

I cringed.


Cheerilee had been keeping a close eye on the filly during her first class. The fidgety behavior and lack of focus that she had been assessing as a potential behavioral problem, it seemed, had a much simpler explanation.

Thinking back to how painfully shy the filly was, it was easy to see what had happened. Which led Cheerilee to a potential scenario she decided to nip in the bud.

“If it’s too scary to speak in front of everyone, you can just go.” Cheerilee assured.

“It’s fine,” said Green, “I can just hold it until after class.”

“If you need to go, it’s better to just go,” said Cheerilee, “We don’t want you to have an accident.”


I want to fucking die.

She’s treating me like a little kid and- well I guess I can’t blame her when I look like this.

I was stuck like this; and my stupid child emotions had circled back around to crying; and I’d lost any chance of convincing Cheerilee that I was mature enough for self-directed study.

I felt Cheerilee drape a heavy blanket over me. The blanket pressed inwards on my body and helped to ground me in the moment.

If I couldn’t convince Cheerilee that I was mature enough to avoid going to school, maybe I could do the opposite; convince her I was too immature, too ‘damaged’ to attend her class.

“I want to go home.” I pleaded.

“I know you’ve had a rotten day so far,” Said Cheerilee, “But there’s just one more class today and you can go straight home afterwards.”

“I can’t go back to class, everypony will bully me.”

“Nopony is going to bully you Green.”

“You and I both know that isn’t true.” I said. “I was crying in front of everypony and they were laughing at me!”

“Who was laughing at you?”

“I don’t know!” I said, “Everypony! I don’t even know who they are, and they all know who I am, and that I’m a crybaby that they can all bully.”

“You’re far from the only pony to have cried at school.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why isn’t it the same?”

“Because I didn’t have anything to cry about,” I explained, “And now they all know that they can make me cry and everything is ruined.”

“Did you get bullied at your old school?” Asked Cheerilee.

“I-” I suppose it didn’t really matter what school I was talking about. “Yeah.”

“It’s too soon to give up on ponies you’ve just met. This will be different,” Said Cheerilee, “I promise.”

“Don’t make a girl a promise,” I said, “If you know you can’t keep it.”

“Green...”

“Let’s just skip the part where you pretend there aren’t any bullies in your class.” I said, “I’ve already met one of them.”

“If you mean Diamond Tiara, I’ve already spoken to her,” Cheerilee said, “And she’s going to apologize.”

“Great, so now the class bully has a reason to hate me.” I countered, “Thanks so much.”

“What do you want me to do, Green?”

“That’s exactly the point.” I said. “There’s nothing you can do.”

At some point I’d lost track of the fact I was supposed to be pretending.

“There was never anything you could do.” I ranted. “I put up with it before because I didn’t know any better, but I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Tears were streaming down my face.

“I know you’re having a bad day,” consoled Cheerilee, “But I promise, it’s really not that bad. Haven’t you already made some friends?”

“I don’t want friends, I want everyone to leave me alone.”

I slumped.

“But I know you’re going to force me to go back anyway.” I said. “And if I run away and refuse to go to school, Applejack will get in trouble.”

Cheerilee looked up at a clock.

“Well,” She remarked, “Recess is almost over.

“Great.”

Author's Note:

An update on the health problems I talked about in chapter one - my liver test results have declined to the point where my doctor won't give me any more medication for my skin.

I'm not 'dying', but life is going to be getting pretty miserable soon.

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