A Rare Gift

This story should be seen as an event that happened before Big Mac met with Sugar Belle.

This is my first contribution to the fandom.

I mostly write for fun. So thank you for reading. Let me know if you spot some errors

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Quinch

Quinch #1 · Oct 18th, 2019 · 1 · ·

A nice story. Indie feel like it de0ragged on just a little bit in the parts leading up to the second visit to the orchard, but a nice reminder that sometimes we just need a little peace and quiet.

Waterwindearthfire

Waterwindearthfire #2 · Oct 19th, 2019 · · ·

9891741
thanks for the feedback and the read as well.

I'll try to keep that in mind in the next one.

be safe :)

karnazom

karnazom #3 · Mar 26th, 2020 · 1 · ·

Y'know, I was expecting some rookie writing skills. But Holy Shit! it wasn't and it has an indie feeling to it, as well peace and plain ol' shipping.
In fact. Have a fave!

Waterwindearthfire

Waterwindearthfire #4 · Mar 26th, 2020 · · ·

10148933
Thank you so much for taking time to write a feedback. It means a lot when I someone tell ke they enjoyed my story.

Have a great day :)

AzuraKeres

AzuraKeres #5 · Apr 13th, 2020 · 1 · ·

The unicorn's thoughts were constantly jostled and each one of them brought her back to a place; Sweet Apple Acres. Something she didn't know the origin of, there, had left a permanent mark, an impression of emptiness, in the heart of the fashionnista. And that was slowly taking away all the sanity she had left.

"...in the heart of the fashionista."

Semicolons are used to combine two independent clauses that are closely related to each other. The second clause you have, "Sweet Apple Acres", is not independent because it cannot be a standalone sentence like the other clause. Therefore, it is a dependent clause. I would recommend replacing ";" with ",".

For the umpteenth time, she recalled the events of her courtesy visit to her charming friend's farm.

"... courteous visit..."

- “That's mighty generous of ya” Applejack told her. “Ya up for a little break under the trees?”

On an affirmative nod of the unicorn's head they went to lie in the cool shade of the apple trees in the orchard. They took the opportunity to discuss, joke and laugh at the anecdotal episodes that sometimes punctuated their daily lives and added spice to their sometimes boring little routine.

Is "on" the best preposition for this sentence? I would recommend "after", but I think my argument is more aligned to style and perhaps not to grammar?

The apple trees' shadows had largely shifted before Rarity decreed it was time to take care of Big Mac's increasingly long rebellious strands. Applejack and Rarity separated and, while the orange pony set off to the apple baskets scattered among the orchard, the unicorn went in search of her client, whom she found, without any surprises, in the family barn.

However, there came some unpleasant moments when Rarity, short of a topic of conversation, was forced to interrupt the discussion, which then fell into a heavy silence, which the unicorn quickly punctuated with comments intended to lighten the heavy atmosphere. An experience she found mentally exhausting, although she did a very good job.

I don't think I understand. Did Rarity interrupt her own discussion? In what way?

"As soon as possible," she thought before she was noisily distracted by the overexcited voice of a customer in ecstasy, in front of one of her dresses, who called her with loud screams to get some information about a now coveted product.

Although this kind of music was usually on the unicorn's melodic chart and she would normally have liked to take a break to greet some of the ponies present, Rarity, sensitive to the haunting pain in her skull, preferred to hurried along the path in order to cross the busy district of the village as quickly as possible.

"...preferred to hurry along the path..."

- “Hi Pinkie Pie” she greeted her as soon as her friend had stopped her cavalcade. “What a lovely surprise to see you. Tell me dear, how can I be of assistance?”

Fortunately AppleBloom and her two friends quickly disappeared and went up to the upper floor, probably to start the first activity of a very long list. So there was only AppleJack, Big Mac, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Granny Smith left in the room, the latter being busy filling jars with applesauce for the coming winter months.

"Applebloom and her two friends..."

"So there was only Applejack, Big Mac..."

- “Ya're not felling well, Rarity?” inquired the orange filly after handing out two pints of cider to her guests.

"Ya're not feeling well, Rarity?"

- “You have no idea,” Rarity whispered for herself.

"...Rarity whispered to herself."

- “I can't tell you that silly, speaking about it will definitly ruins it. Now go with him and experience it.”

"...speaking about it will definitely ruin it..."

However, since she had ventured into the night, with Big Mac at her side, she had kept quiet, unable to address a simple word to the stallion walking beside her. Rarity could no longer deny the beneficial effect she felt at his side. Her headache had almost completely disappeared as soon as she had spent a few minutes with him.

Lost in thought, the last thirty minutes had passed far too quickly and the silent unicorn realized that her steps had led her to the last place left to visit; the barn.

"...led her to the last place left to visit, the barn."

The time for choice had come and if Rarity was to chose this path, the barn would prove to be suitable for the coming act, it was even a bit romantic the unicorn could not help but think.

"...and if Rarity was to choose this path,..."

After crossing the threshold, however, a very normal aprehension surrounded her heart. Suddenly, she felt ready to endure the pain of a migraine rather than lose part of her being in that barn. She was scared, she wasn’t ready yet. Not under this circumstances, not without love.

"...a very normal apprehension surrounded her heart."

"Not under these circumstances,..."

Rarity let out a melodious laugh filled with sincere joy and relief. Her fears and doubts disappeared along with her migraine. She had just understood Pinkie's mysterious words and now she knew why the stallion had such a soothing effect on her. *Press BACKSPACE*It was so simple and naive that Rarity hadn't even thought about it, but she had to admit that Pinkie was right and that only Big Mac was able to give her the full experience.

Closing her eyes with delight, Rarity felt in tune with a universe whose hidden potential she was barely discovering. *Press BACKSPACE*She let herself be overwhelmed by the emotion of well-being in which she was immersed. She could never have thought that silence would produce such a beautiful and pure sound. For her, who had grown up in the midst of gossip and conversation, the satisfaction of always participating in the many discussions now seemed futile in the face of the relief of a moment of silence of her own, cut off from all the eternal distractions of life.

- “I did,” Rarity replied briefly in the same tone. “I feel better now... And thank you for letting me stay here for the night. I appreciate your kindness.”

- “Goodnight dear,” Rarity whispered back to her, although she wasn't sure Applejack heard it before she fell asleep again.

- “I'm happy you're feeling good now. I really, really wished I could have told you sooner why you had this feeling but I couldn't, you know?”

- “Okay. Goodnight Rarity,” Pinkie whispered, clinging a little more to Rarity in a friendly embrace.

- “Goodnight dear,” whispered the unicorn before hugging her back and falling almost instantly asleep.

Wow, this story was true to the genre of Slice-of-Life. I honestly thought there was some romance coming along. I agree that silence can be a blessing when trying to find peace in mind. Those can really be hard to come by due to the constant call of work and the uproar from family members and/or roommates. Everyone needs it every now and then.

Though I have to ask, why were there "-" before each dialogue? Is that a format you like to have in your dialogues? I'm just curious.

Also, I noticed that this story used a lot of vocabulary (plenty I had to look up myself). I give you props in expanding your knowledge of words, but I would advise being wary of not using too much as it may bother a general audience that may not be as savvy with them. It's not a bad thing to use simple words every now and then.

Waterwindearthfire

Waterwindearthfire #6 · Apr 13th, 2020 · 1 · ·

10178160
Wow. Thank you so much for the read and the tips and correction you provide. I'll make sure everything will be corrected in the next days.

Also, about the vocabulary, I wrote the story in french then put it through a translation website. That's why some of the vocabulary might be a little bit off.

and the ''-'' before each sentence will be removed. It was a mistake from my part. It's going to be like my other story.

Anyway, thank you for your input. I will make the necessary changes soon.

Have a great day

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