In the castle of Canterlot, the princess and her personal ranger discuss what happened on his recent mission. The brave stallion goes on to tell her a story of tragedy, heroism, and overcoming prejudice. Will Equestria benefit or suffer because of his actions? Only time will truly tell.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This sudden perspective shift is jarring. Maybe try writing the flashback in italics or perfect tense, and separate these two sentences from the rest of the chapter with horizontal rules.
The way this story is going is interesting, but I'd recommend adding more flourish to the writing itself - the chapters so far seem very rushed, like a report or exposition. If you can, try adding more description to what's going on, even if it's not vital to the plot progression.