Rainbow Dash has been away from the school of friendship for a while, and Fluttershy is very worried. She decides to go to her friends home to check on her, only to find that something awful has happened.
Chapters (4)
Quillfeather882
Joined 19th Nov, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- GAPDashie · 9.7k words · 106 2 · 4.8k views
- Surprise The Pegasus · 3.8k words · 86 7 · 3.1k views
- Ninjadash · 2.2k words · 163 9 · 5.5k views
- Joyous Apple · 12k words · 54 6 · 2.4k views
- maxxxxxx · 56k words · 156 15 · 3.9k views
- GildaTheGriffon · 13k words · 74 16 · 4.4k views
- kittycake12 · 2.6k words · 20 1 · 1.1k views
- NintendoGal55 · 6.2k words · 132 5 · 4.9k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
1,003 users online
88,536 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
It feels... incomplete for some reason.
9864525
Care to elaborate? Constructive feedback would be very helpful.
9864532
It's honestly hard for me to pin down what I think is missing.
It feels like it’s missing something.
9864560
Well, if you think of something specific, feel free to DM me.
9864561
And if you could name what it's missing, what would you say that is?
It's not like the Wonderbolts treat her well.
Two people have said that it feels incomplete or that it's missing something. Beyond a few capitalisations, Wild Blue Yonder, for instance, I think what it's missing is about an extra 3000 words of story. This feels like chapter two of a three chapter story, where we haven't been given the build up in the first chapter or the recovery in the third, if that makes sense.
The story itself is good, though without build up and payoff, it kinda lacks the emotional weight and connection it ought to have.
Incidentally, and this is no reflection on your story at all, but I do like the idea of pegasi injuries. Rainbow can sonic rainboom into AJ's barn and not suffer a scratch, fly into the old library and not be hurt at all, but then she gets in hospital for an off screen injury. Likewise in this Soarin' can't fly again ever, but in Rainbow Falls he's healed after a broken wing.
This I suppose does go back to my point above about missing build up. Showing us the incident at the Wonderbolt's Academy would have been such a powerful build up. Showing us Rainbow going to therapy would be a good payoff in a recovery chapter.
9864702
Thanks for the feedback. I debated on writing additional chapters, but I'm starting to think I will. It really can be expanded on. I thought I'd be able to capture it in just one chapter. I'll mark it as incomplete, and begin work on the next chapter post haste.
9864567
Conclusion. This feels like the beginning of a longer story about what the others do in response, not a one-off.
That said, it surprised me by being well written, despite not being my thing.
9864722
I appreciate the feedback, friend.
9864968
The next bit is in progress, but I'll get it up as soon as it's ready.
9905690
I'm glad you're enjoying it!
this is awesome
I want more
10535444
I'm glad you like it. Life's been hectic, but don't worry. I haven't abandoned it.