• Published 3rd Oct 2019
  • 1,745 Views, 58 Comments

Earth Ponies Are Blessed with Suck - Maran



As Twilight works to improve her life infusion treatment, Maud stops by to offer her expertise. There's just one problem: Maud isn't as thrilled as Twilight and her friends about using earth pony magic to make everyone immortal.

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It's Got To Be Her Destiny

Castle of Friendship – The next day

It wasn't easy being Maud. Any time she came into contact with stone, it projected images into her head that were often difficult to interpret. But Maud had been communicating with rocks for as long as she had been speaking with other ponies, and over the years, they had gradually learned to use vocabulary that they could both understand.

Most minerals had a tenuous grasp on the things organisms did and said, but the castle was an exception. It was highly attentive to the actions of the creatures not just within its structure, but far beyond its walls, outside even the borders of Equestria. When Rarity had brought up the subject of the Cutie Map, the castle had sent Maud a picture of Twilight standing next to a lilac unicorn with a cutie mark of a purple star with an aqua wave over it. The two ponies' horns sent forth intertwined magic that aggregated into a sphere, which in turn shot thauma into the six largest thrones, which then jumped into the Map.

Maud had started to ask the castle about this vision, but then Twilight had mentioned Starlight Glimmer, and then Maud had attempted to make Twilight and her companions understand how serious life infusion was, and how ponies shouldn't drain too much life force too quickly. Unfortunately, none of the others seemed to comprehend, and so Maud simply gave up trying to convince them, at least for the day. She considered bolstering her arguments by herself, with time to gather her thoughts. Perhaps she would even resort to writing to the arrogant professors at the College of Earth Studies.

Standing alone in a hallway, Maud's mind swirled with anxiety, and she remembered why she preferred the company of silicates to other ponies. She focused her attention on the gleaming crystal floor that supported her hooves.

Let's talk about what you said earlier. Did you mean that your six chairs are also a source of power? Maud inquired.

The castle showed the Map glowing and floating in mid-air. It appeared that the Map could operate independently of the thrones, and the entire castle as well, although Maud figured that its ability to detect the organisms around Equus would be severely limited while detached from the ground.

The thrones, as it turned out, merely activated the Map when it was deactivated.

Is there anything I can do to help? queried Maud.

In her mind's eye, Maud viewed herself talking with Twilight about how to fix the Map.

I will tell her what you showed me. But now I need your help. You must know by now that Twilight and my sister's friends are planning on using life infusion to make everyone live for hundreds of years.

The castle sent an image of Twilight taking Rainbow Dash's longevity reading and going inside the first Thauma House with her.

Then tell me, will it harm Equus if life infusion becomes mainstream? I need to know if we earth ponies can transfer life force to all the other creatures without harming the core.

In reply, Maud received a symbol that she understood to mean that the castle was thinking and that she should wait a moment for a response – the hourglass. Maud idly patted Boulder in her pocket, feeling his spiky crystals. Just as she was contemplating moving him to her saddlebag, the hourglass went away and castle projected a picture of the Map, with luminous landmarks rising from its surface. She watched herself walk around the Map and draw a circle with chalk, and then write runes around the edge of the circle.

I don't understand the purpose of this ritual.

The castle showed her climbing onto the Map and straddling Canterlot and Apple-oosa. Her mane and tail began to billow with excess energy.

You want me to use your life force? But you can't have more life force than the core.

As Maud watched the sequence of images, she understood. The castle was only a network that connected to all sapient life on Equus. The castle didn't want her to use much of its own life force, only enough to allow her to do what she needed to do.

What she saw next troubled her.

I don't know if I can do that. I can't make that kind of choice.

There was a bombardment of moving pictures. Twilight using life infusion. Twilight and Applejack growing to the size of Princess Celestia in mere minutes. Pinkie and her other friends becoming alicorns and reaching the same height. The sun scorching the land during the day. Plants dying, ponies becoming sick and gaunt.

Maud's mouth went dry, and a heavy weight settled in her stomach. She knew what she had to do.

Castle of Friendship – Twilight's study

Dear Princess Celestia,

You'll be happy to know that our life infusion treatments have produced consistent results. We installed safety release levers inside all of our Thauma House models, and thanks to the instruments Maud borrowed from her school, we are recording accurate readings of the amount of life force going into each pony, and the number of years added and subtracted for each transfer.

Pausing, I chewed on the end of my quill. It was a bit of a lie to say that Maud had borrowed the meters, since we had no intention of giving them back any time soon.

By the way, if you happen to know where we could purchase a longevity gauge and a vitameter, it would be most helpful.

I've been speaking with Maud about the life infusion project, and she shared some concerns about the long term effects on the planet's core that I thought I should bring to your attention. She told me that if there is a sharp increase in the life force taken from the earth over a long period of time, it could destabilize the molten iron core, which could then collapse the magnetic field around the planet. This was not a subject that I had heard much about until recently, but I found a book on the internal structure of Equus, and most of the information she told me checks out. I say most because I still can't find any written information about life infusion at all, much less how it impacts the core. Should I be more cautious about proceeding with the life infusion project? Is there a way to monitor the core to see if it's being harmed in any way? Is there another source of life force that could be used as a substitute for the planet? What about the moon, or asteroids? Please advise.

I started signing the letter as “Your faithful student” before catching myself. Celestia had made it clear that I had graduated from being her student, but I remained in an awkward stage where I wasn't sure exactly where I stood with her. I bit my lip before writing,

Kind regards,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Well, it would have to do. Anyway, I had more important things to worry about than signing off on a letter to Celestia.

“Spike?” I asked.

“Are you done?” He waddled over to me. Nodding, I rolled up the letter and held it toward him in my aura, and he blew on it with his message fire.

I must have looked uneasy, because Spike said, “Don't worry, Twilight. I'm sure Princess Celestia will know what to do. Maud's probably worried over nothing.”

I breathed deeply the way Cadence had taught me. “I'm sure you're right. Princess Celestia will know what to do. I'll just wait for her reply.”

“I'm sure she's still reading the letter.” Spike walked back to the graph he had been making, and then glanced at me over his shoulder. “Hey, do you think that if she did go to one of those other worlds she talked about, my message fire would send your letter to her?”

“I don't know,” I said, furrowing my brow. “I've never thought about it before. I guess we'll find out.” I stepped closer to Spike's bar graph. He'd written each name and meticulously drawn three bars for each individual – one for the years added to the receiver's lifespan, one for the years subtracted from the giver's lifespan, and one for the amount of energy used.

“Dad would be proud of this graph,” I told him.

Spike blushed. “Thanks. I don't know how much this will help you, but I noticed that with some ponies it takes a lot more vitas to add the same number of years to a pony's lifespan. And a lot of times when that happens, the giver loses more years than the receiver gains.”

“I'm not surprised,” I said with a nod. “There's loss with any energy conversion, and there are multiple variables involved with life infusion. We just have to figure out how to make it more efficient.” Tapping my hoof to my chin, I added, “Now, let's look at all the ponies who had the greatest energy loss.” I lifted a marker in my magic and pointed to each name. “What do they have in common?”

Spike angled himself closer to the graph. “It looks to me like they're all older ponies.”

“That's right,” I said with a smile. “Haymaker, Foggy Fleece, Inkwell . . . They're all over the age of seventy, but look at their life expectancy numbers before the infusion – they're among the lowest.” I lightly rapped my marker against the giant pad of paper.

“It makes sense that it would be better to start with younger ponies,” said Spike. “But how can we help the ponies who are older? Do you just want to eat the extra energy?”

I hummed in thought. “Well, there's still so little written about life infusion that we have to rely on trial and error. But I did notice that infusing life into other ponies seemed to go more easily after I gained life force from the castle. Then again, maybe it just gets easier with practice and drawing life force from the castle had nothing to do with it.”

“So maybe it will get more efficient the more you do it.” Spike grinned.

“I hope so.” I rubbed my jaw. “But if it doesn't get more efficient over time, I could try drawing life force from the castle right before I infuse life force into the older ponies.”

“Are these all the ponies you've used life infusion on?” Maud was suddenly right behind me, without any warning.

I jerked in surprise, my wings flaring instinctively.

Spike jumped as well. “How do you keep sneaking up on ponies?”

“It's a gift,” she deadpanned.

Drawing in a deep breath, I steadied my nerves. “To answer your question, Maud, these are all of the ponies who have received life force since yesterday.”

“We had ten yesterday afternoon, and twelve today so far!” Spike beamed. “We think we can get more in if the ponies can get clean more quickly before they go inside the Thauma House.”

“You don't waste any time,” said Maud.

“Well, Applejack used life infusion on some of the ponies,” I said. “It goes faster when one of us can recharge while the other infuses her life force.” Then my eyes widened in realization. “That's it! We just need to look up which of these ponies Applejack treated and compare the amount of energy loss to the ones I treated.” I levitated the participant charts and started skimming them.

“There is always some loss with any transfer,” said Maud. “But Applejack is an alicorn who has experience using life infusion, so that will minimize the loss.”

“That's good to hear,” I told her. “I want to help as many ponies as possible.”

“Speaking of helping,” said Maud, lifting her foreleg, “I spoke with the castle today, and it told me how to fix the Cutie Map.”

I stopped shuffling through my charts to stare at her. “The castle is self-diagnosing?”

“More or less,” said Maud. “But it needs your help to repair it.”

Castle of Friendship – Filing office

“You got yourself a real office set up here, sugar cube,” said Applejack as she helped her pegasus friend unbox the new copying device – for papers, not for clones that may or may not have been sapient individuals.

“Yes, it's starting to feel really professional,” said Fluttershy, while a squirrel climbed up her leg, not noticing the irony. “It's funny, I never would have imagined having an office job, but it's kind of nice, at least for a little while. And Arven likes it, too.” She curled her contour feathers around Arven and used her wing to hold him against her cheek. Applejack leaned toward her, curious. “How do y'all do that feather finger thing?”

“Oh, it's easy once you get the hang of it,” said Fluttershy. “Didn't Rainbow show you yet?”

“Nah, she just wants to teach me how to fly.” Applejack shook her head. “Says I gotta learn that first before I can do any other pegasus stuff.”

“Well, that's usually how it goes, but it's not true for every pegasus. Flight was the last magic I earned to do, besides the Stare,” added Fluttershy, using her wing to lower Arven to the floor.

“Alright, so how do you do it?”

“You already know how to use capillurgy. Feathers are just like more complicated hair.” Fluttershy fluffed the feathers on her wings as if to demonstrate.

AJ laughed.

“It's true!” said Fluttershy with a smile – it did sound funny when she put it that way. “Feathers and hair are both made of keratin, and they both grow out of our skin, and they both, well, shed, although molting is more regular.”

Applejack's face fell a little. “Aw, I didn't even think about moltin'.”

“It's not that bad,” insisted Fluttershy. “It's only every six moons, and not all of our flight feathers fall out at the same time, so we can still fly. You'll need to sweep and vacuum a lot more often for a few weeks, though.”

“Vacuum?” Applejack tilted her head.

Fluttershy stepped closer to her and said in a confidential tone, “Ask Pinkie if you can borrow her vacuum cleaner. Trust me.”

Applejack blinked. “Okay. That doesn't sound so bad. So, you were sayin' about feather fingers?”

“Right, well, the point is that since feathers are so similar to hair, they respond to your magic the same way. All you have to do is channel your magic through your feathers instead of your mane and tail.”

Stretching out one wing, Applejack felt for her magic. It was stored in her hooves, and she tried to send it up through her wings, but it wouldn't go past her shoulders. She frowned. This wasn't right. AJ didn't use “sticky hair” as often as Pinkie did, but she frequently used it to fasten her hat to her hair to keep it from falling off her head.

It was best to start over with what she knew. She swished her mane without moving her head. Fluttershy stared patiently as Applejack directed her magic from her mane out to her feathers. Applejack's eyes widened as the sensation of her wings reached her brain. She sensed every shaft, vein, and barbule in each feather. Surely they would respond to her command. Slowly, she bent down her first flight feather.

“You're doing it!” said Fluttershy with a grin.

Smiling, Applejack curved her primary feathers one by one, until she formed a loose fist with her wing.

“Try grabbing this paper.” Fluttershy picked up a sheet of paper in her wing and held it toward AJ. The new alicorn uncurled her feathers and bent them around the page, but it slipped through her feathers.

Fluttershy kept smiling as her eyebrows angled upward in an expression that was half amused and half sympathetic. “We'll work on that. It takes a lot of practice, but you'll get there eventually.”

“Fluttershy,” said Rarity as she poked her head into the room. “I've been wanting to speak with you about astral projection. Do you have a moment?”

Fluttershy glanced at Applejack, who gave her a slight nod.

“Go ahead, I'll just keep practicin'.” She lowered her wingtip the floor and tried in vain to pinch the sheet of paper between her feathers. Fluttershy realized that flat paper wasn't the best object to practice grabbing.

Thinking quickly, she crumpled a blank sheet of paper in her hooves and tossed it toward Applejack, who reflexively raised her wing to block it. “Here, practice with that.”

Rarity softly cleared her throat. “Fluttershy, since you're the expert on astral projection, I want to show you my idea to make it work.” Using her powder-blue aura, she held up a sketchpad.

Fluttershy faltered. “Oh, um, well, you see, I didn't mean to give the impression that I'm an expert. Everything I know I learned from Treehugger, and neither of us has ever done it before.”

“Have you ever tried?” asked Rarity, undeterred.

“Only once,” answered Fluttershy. “Treehugger showed me how to meditate with incense and crystals around our necks. We tried to become one with the cosmos.” Sitting back on her haunches, Fluttershy adopted the closest equine approximation of a lotus position. “She said that once the cosmos filled our bodies, we are free of our earthly bonds.”

“Can y'all see spirits?” Applejack asked suddenly.

Fluttershy stared at her in surprise for a second. Her friend had stopped trying to grab the paper ball and had settled for balancing it on her wing.

“When your spirit leaves your body, I mean,” clarified Applejack.

“I don't know.” Fluttershy shook her head and twisted out of her cross-legged posture with the grace of a professional dancer. “Nopony has ever had an out of body experience on purpose, as far as Treehugger knows. There are stories of near death experiences, but you can't really have those safely. The idea of astral projection is to give you control over your spirit and send it anywhere in the world – and return to your body.”

“Oh.” AJ let the paper wad drop and watched it land on the floor. “I just thought that if we are gonna live forever, maybe there was a way to see our family that's already gone.” Her ears drooped. “But I guess you can't have everythin' you want.”

“Ah,” said Rarity with a frown. “I'm sorry, darling. I'm not going to give you false hope. But I don't want you to despair, either,” she added, walking over to Applejack and resting her hoof on her friend's back. “Someday we may find a way for you to see your parents again.”

“There's one sure way, but I could never do that,” said Applejack quietly, not meeting Rarity's gaze.

“I certainly hope not!” Rarity wrapped her foreleg around Applejack. “We need you!”

“Aw, shucks, sugar cube, I ain't goin' nowhere.” She returned the half hug. “Don't you worry about me. Now, how about you show us your idea.”

Rarity drew back and positioned herself so that she could easily view both Applejack and Fluttershy. “Well, I've been doing some soul searching, and I believe I've found a way to perform new magic that will fulfill my destiny that began when I was a child!”

Both of her friends raised their eyebrows, and even the squirrels stopped what they were doing and eyed the unicorn.

“You see, when Twilight became an alicorn, it was a culmination of her experience from the moment she earned her cutie mark and entered Celestia's School of Magic. She studied hard and learned to control her magic, and she learned to rely on us for support. And she completed an unfinished spell that was written by her idol. So I think that I need to forge ahead by combining my own talents and life experience.” Rarity's eyes shone as she built her case. “I earned my cutie mark by finding a gem-encrusted rock and incorporating those gems in my costumes. Many of my current designs feature gems as well. And what are gems but a type of crystal?”

“I don't know, you'd have to ask Maud,” said AJ.

“That was a rhetorical question, darling. Anyway, I thought that perhaps my destiny is to make a suit of crystals that would enhance the wearer's magic.” Using her telekinesis, she flipped a page in her sketchpad and turned it to face her friends. “Voila!”

The pegasus and alicorn leaned closer to get a better view of the drawing. It showed a unicorn wearing a body suit spangled with crystals, each about the size of a bit. There was a separate sketch that featured a crystal mask covering even the ears and horn.

“It's beautiful,” said Fluttershy.

“Yes, thank you, darling,” Rarity said dismissively, “but do you think it will work?

Fluttershy pursed her lips. “I think it would depend on the kind of crystals you use. Treehugger uses moonstone and . . . benitoite?” She squinted as she tried to recall. “It's a smoky blue one.”

“How do you spell benitoite?” asked Rarity, levitating a quill.

“I'm not sure.” Fluttershy flapped up to the top of a file cabinet and grabbed a book. “I have a dictionary right here.”

Applejack lifted her foreleg. “Rarity, I think you might be overthinkin' your path to destiny. When I got my wings and horn, it had nothin' to do with the way I got my cutie mark. I just wanted to help Twilight.”

Rarity stared at the ceiling in thought. “When you got your mark, you felt a sense of fulfillment being on your farm, did you not?”

“Yeah,” said AJ, wondering where her friend was going with this.

“And you learned how to use life infusion on your farm, didn't you?”

Applejack nodded.

“Well, there you are, then!” Rarity smiled in triumph. “When you returned to Sweet Apple Acres, it set you on the path toward infusing your life force into Fluttershy!”

“Seems like a bit of a stretch to me,” said Applejack, creasing her brow.

“You're right – it was a stretch. But you can't ascend to alicornhood without pushing your limits.”

“I'm not sure I follow you, sugar cube.” Applejack shook her head.

Rarity's grin broadened as she took the dictionary from Fluttershy's hooves. “You'll see where I'm going soon enough.”

Author's Note:

I'm not satisfied with the way Twilight's scene just stops, but I felt like if it had gone on much longer it would have gotten repetitive as Maud told Twilight what the castle had shown her.

Comments ( 18 )

"I am The Maud,

I speak for the rocks."

Maud is going to accidently an ascension, isn't she?

9936309
>It's got to be her destiny
>"I don't know if I could make that kind of a choice."
>She knew what she had to do
>Ritual involves straddling the map while magic is pumped through it, but we don't see the end
Accidentally nothing.

9936396

"Ritual involves straddling the map while magic is pumped through it..."

Was that an accident?

I am curious yet afraid to see where Rarity's idea is going to take her

9936403
Harmony Jr.: ...I need an adult.

Maud: I am an adult.

Spike jumped as well. “How do you keep sneaking up on ponies?”

“It's a gift,” she deadpanned.

Nah, it's run in the family! :pinkiehappy:

9936309
Ah, that would be telling! :raritywink:


9936534
This story is full of characters having dangerous ideas.


9937100
True, the Pies share many unusual skills.

“That was a rhetorical question, darling. Anyway, I thought that perhaps my destiny is to make a suit of crystals that would enhance the wearer's magic.” Using her telekinesis, she flipped a page in her sketchpad and turned it to face her friends. “Voila!”

Twilight gazed at the drawing with a puzzled expression, "I... can't help but notice you have a central blue crystal in a web surrounding a giant spider..."

Rarity tsk'd, "They prefer to be called 'Eight-legs'!"

Twilight sighed and went into the other room. She knew she'd heard of a similar spell before. "Spike!" she called. "Go get the Book of Magic!" Spike did so and then slided away like a dragon. Then Twilight casted the spell and everything became bigger and eight.

"Oh, I am a spider now."

And so, everything comes "Full Circle."

(Discord reels, "My god... a crossover within a crossover within a reference. SHE CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE, MON CAPITAN!!")

:pinkiecrazy:

Sitting back on her haunches, Fluttershy adopted the closest equine approximation of a lotus position.

"If you are not prepared to dislocate your hips in the name of oneness with the cosmos, you are not prepared for that oneness."
—Somnambula, Pillar of Hope

“You're right – it was a stretch. But you can't ascend to alicornhood without pushing your limits.”

"That was also a stretch."

Rarity's enhancer suit definitely shows promise, though she may want to work her way up. It's not like Twilight was blowing up dragons and turning ponies into cacti from the... beginning...
Er, carry on.

As for what Namepending Castle wants Maud to do... This could go a lot of different ways. I look forward to seeing what happens, but I can't help but feel a little dread.

9978727
Thanks for the input. :twilightsmile:

I sense a Maud-corn coming up. I feel like she's the ONLY one with enough connection to the core to actually distribute the needed life energy in a way that's safe and equal. With alicorn powers, perhaps she could even speak to Equestria itself. That would make her impressively powerful. Not even Celestia can speak to the planet.

"I am the Mauderator. All life injection inquiries must now be approved by the Mauds. Please speak to your local Maud to address any concerns."

Ooh, a sequel to one of my favorite stories!

Dreadnought

will this ever be updated?
and will the alicorn 6 become a thing by its end?
find out next time on ponyball z!

hi? this story is awesome and is there a way for me to know what happens next?

if there is an afterlife in this world, then stones should also fall into it

uis

Well, that was great.

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