• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen January 14th

Problemsin


There's a light shining on us at the end of the sky. Shameless Plug

T
Source

Two pegasi kids, Clear Firmament and Haze Kicker, are the targets of a conspiracy to bring magic back into the world.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 4 )

A pretty solid read overall!

This is a very quick fic, but I feel like that pacing works wonders here; everything built up nicely. Especially good was the world building at the start, though that did falter off a little, and that's fine.

Characterization holds particularly well here, but likely because of the short length of the story in its timeline and word count, some of the characters just didn't sit well and came off quite stiff; Gale's personality in particular seemed off at times.

Narrative-wise, I can really see where you struggled with pacing; you definitely got the story you wanted to tell out, but it is very small and compact, and just oozes at the corners with hints at a greater world. My main gripe with the story was this lack of time to build up the world, but I don't blame you at all for it.

This is a nice little adventure that deserves expansion.

10204285
Thanks a ton, this is exactly the feedback I wanted. Regarding the worldbuilding, there were some ideas that were important early on as well as two big scenes that were removed for various reasons. Originally Gale kidnapping Haze when he was alone was included, but I cut it out because the perspective switching was a bit jarring. Maybe that is why she came across weird. Also Clear was supposed to find out in much more detail what the ponies were planning by sneaking around the castle, but tbh I got bored writing it.

Is there anything special about the „“ quotes? I can't guess why they begin and end.

10221428
No, I just used a multilingual keyboard and that happens sometimes. I will make sure future stories don't switch.

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