• Published 30th Sep 2019
  • 9,499 Views, 197 Comments

Twilight the Useless - PresentPerfect



Twilight Sparkle moves to Ponyville and meets five special mares. Who are all really hot.

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Twilight the Useless

Twilight the Useless
by Present Perfect

The moment I shake Applejack's hoof, her grip confirms what my damnably thirsty eyes suspected: she is the living embodiment of the land in pony form.

Celestia, is she hot.

I mean, she literally just said 'sure as sugar'. Sure as sugar! Who says that? That's so adorable, it should be illegal. To say nothing of those freckles. I could spend all day pressed nose to nose with her just so I could count them, draw little shapes in between them... Just standing near her makes me want to give up scholarship so I can spend all day out in the sun doing... Whatever it is farm ponies do all day.

Whatever it is, it certainly tones the body. Mm, just look at those muscles. Every step she takes, every move she makes, I'll be watching those taut cords ripple and shift, right there under her skin. I can only imagine what she can do with her thighs, but boy howdy, can I imagine it!

I just said 'boy howdy'. Country living is infectious. I guess that means I could get used to living on a farm. Waking up early every morning to tend the trees, working up a big sweat, washing it off together in the rain barrel, then going to bed early but maybe falling asleep a little late...

I end up being stuffed with way too much food, and it's because I spend the whole Apple Family Reunion wishing she would stuff me with other things. I've drowned in her accent. Leave me be, Spike, can't you see your sister has died and gone to the Green Fields of Forever? Turns out they're full of apple trees.

Just buck me in the head and drag me off to bed, you divine goddess of fertility.


The moment I meet Rainbow Dash, I am in too much of a food coma to really appraise her. The moment after, I am too huffy at her gross incompetence to really appraise her. And then I am too covered in mud. And then I am too spinning around. And then I am too oh no, she's hot.

My name is Twilight "A Laugh" Sparkle, and I'm pretty sure I've just been deflowered by the fastest pony in Equestria. I have no idea what just happened, honestly, but it was fast and beautiful and I want more of her lightning presence. Would more be too much? There's already so much her, she's impossible to keep track of!

It's those colors. You look at the first one, and then your eyes are drawn to the second one, and before you know it, your mind is full of colors and you have no idea where you are because everything is just her.

She's not a mare you can pin down. She's freedom in a pony-shaped package, just bursting at the seams to be let out. She bursts out of herself and surrounds you and leaves you breathless and tired and thirsting for more.

She's so full of youth and energy! Ponies make jokes about being too fast, but I guarantee she goes hard and keeps going back, again and again and again. That's the point of being fast, right? Less time spent on the unimportant things.

Yeah, I can't wait to hang out again. Maybe next time, I'll be able to keep this avenging valkyrie of speed in one place for more than a few seconds.


Oh no, this one's even hotter.

(Back off, Spike, I saw her first!)

Radiant. Gorgeous. Pulchritudinous. Every attempt to capture this mare in a single word falls devastatingly short. The Equestrian language is simply unequipped to deal with such pure beauty.

Her mane, her coat, her eyelashes: every facet is styled, coiffed, manicured and primped to utter splendiferous perfection! I could gouge my eyes out right now and die happy, because no pony I have seen before or since will ever match her pure dazzle.

Wow, I've been staring open-mouthed for like ten minutes now, haven't I? Judging by the fact that the scenery has suddenly changed to her place of business, I'd say ten minutes is a pretty fair estimate. Celestia's mane, and I thought Rainbow Dash was fast!

You glance just once into those big sapphire eyes, and you know there's so much more to her than looks. Her beauty isn't veneer, her style isn't shallowness: she's an artist. She's creating, and I am her canvas. I hardly feel worthy, but the warmth of her touch and the fire in her mien tell me in tiny ways that I am. She's a mare who knows how to bring beauty out of anything; how could I have never noticed before? She's even working fashion miracles on a pony as boring as me!

She's poking and prodding and touching, oh, and her scent up close is heavenly. I could stand still for a hundred moons, just letting her work, if it only meant I would be near her.

I'll be a good girl, just paint me, mommy.

I sure hope I'm not forgetting anything important right now.


Fluttersmurf?

Fluttersnork?

You poor, sweet waif, you are so delicate, you can't even say your name right. Come into my loving hooves, I will hold you and whisper to you softly and protect you from the world until the end of time.

Celestia's flanks, I didn't think it was possible to outdo Rarity in the looks department, yet here. We. Are!

You have to be really close to Fluttershy to appreciate her. I'm talking all but flank-to-flank here, but once you're there, appreciate is all you can do. What poise! Such grace! So ephemeral, she could pass through a stone like it was smoke. I'm afraid if I touch her, she'll pop like a soap bubble, but if I don't gather her up right now, she might just float away on the breeze.

I never knew what a heartache felt like until I laid eyes on her. So small and tender that I cannot get over the feeling that I must take all of her into me lest she vanish and leave me forever bereft of her sweet company.

Is this feeling what moved the poets of old to write? I never put much stock in poetry, so I can't be sure. When Shaken Spear looked at the night sky, or Wordworthy a sunset, or Courser a field of flowers, were they driven to compose half the words that are pounding away my chest at this very moment?

She is a song on the wind. She is the light kiss of dew drops on the petals of a newly opened flower. I want to beat my chest until I die, because I know heaven will be the soft curl of her mane, and there shall I rest forevermore. Nymph in thy orisons, something something, I forget the rest because nothing matters anymore save this absolute vision.

Fluttershy is just so stinkin' cute, and it is not fair.

She's a myth! A faerie! No pony this wonderful should be able to exist! The earth should have swallowed her up as a foal, encased her in crystal or something to preserve her angelic fragility for all time! Please, kind maiden, let me be your knight, and you shall know the succor of true peace until the stars burn out.

Or you could talk about Spike, I guess. That's fine. I mean, I'm here too, but whatever's cool with you.

I'm cool. We're all cool here.

I bet she's wild in the sack.


Oh.

Ohhhhh.

I get it now.

See, I met Pinkie Pie once already. Except, I didn't know who she was. She didn't exactly stop to introduce herself. Nor did I get what she was doing. Just that big gasp and zoom! I thought she was just being weird, you know?

Nuh-uh. She's special, all right, certainly something, but she's perky. She's energetic. She's bouncy.

I mean, she doesn't walk when she can prance, and she doesn't prance when she can hop. And she's all over the place like Rainbow Dash, but all I can think about is her bouncing all over my bed. With me on it.

I've got a bed here, you know? Right up there in the loft. Saw it for the first time literally ten minutes ago. I can't wait to break it in.

So, Pinkie made these cupcakes. And she's eating these cupcakes. And these cupcakes and probably thousands more have gone straight to her hips, but she is not fat. She is bouncy. She is curvy. She is, dare I say it, plush, and 'plush' makes me think of 'push' makes me think of just what I could be pushing where with her if only we could get away from this stupid party and its bevy of stupidly hot mares.

Sweet Celestia, is it just me or is everypony in this room really hot right now?

Pinkie's a mare you can't get away from, no matter how hard you try. She's sticking to me like glue. I'd sure like to make her stickier, if you catch my drift. Just smear that frosting all up and down.

Okay, slow down, Twilight, that's a little gross. What's gotten into me? I never had to deal with stuff like this back in Canterlot. I must apologize to myself. I would still make the old eight-legged pony with her.

Or any of them, really.

So now I have lots of friends, eh? Sounds like a good place to start.


So then there was eternal night, and we ran through the woods, and I tried really hard not to think about sex while giving my heroic speech lest I end up as the Element of Mare Head or something, and we rainbow lasered the face of some big, loud bitch, and then...

I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.
I will not think about how hot our new princess is.

Dear Princess Celestia, your little sister is super fucking cute. She may not be evil anymore, but she is still going to cute pony jail for the rest of her life, where I will make conjugal visits every night for cute pony snuggles. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S., You could have warned me she'd be hot.


The parade has died down. The new princess has followed her sister back to Canterlot. The crowds are dispersing, and I am finding out that saving the world feels good.

Really good.

Like, I could lift Canterlot Mountain with my bare hooves good.

I've got five new best friends, and they're all the hot mares I met here in Ponyville. Go me.

So as my five new best friends and I linger our goodbyes through the middle of town, not quite wanting to leave each other but also not knowing each other well enough to suggest a reason to stay together, I can think of only one thing that would make this crazy, perfect day even crazier and perfecter.

"So, any of you girls fuck?"

Author's Note:

Apologies to any actual lesbians for how much I find the term "useless lesbian" amusing. :B

If it's not obvious, this was a very old idea that I randomly threw together in a fit of inspiration recently. There's nothing to it beyond what you see on the page, so I hope you enjoyed it. :) Thanks for reading!

Comments ( 197 )

This was hilarious! Although I’m a little sad there wasn’t additionally a “please dominate me and rule me forever more” Nightmare Moon part. Or actually I now can’t get Twilight imagining Nightmare Moon quoting Jareth from The Labyrinth out of my head. “Love me, adore me, do as I command and I will be your slave.”

"So, any of you girls fuck?"

Do we!”
:ajsmug::yay::pinkiehappy::rainbowwild::duck:

:ajbemused: "I've been up fer more'n twenty-four hours bustin' my hump with caterin', trampin' through the Everfree, blastin' the new princess we suddenly got, an' gettin' through two different Pinkie parties."
:twilightsheepish: "So... that's a no?"
:ajsmug: "That's a 'Lemme sleep fer a week an' I'll get back to ya.'"
:pinkiehappy: "And in the meantime..."

Oh, my fucking god. I would genuinely read a full blown MLP retelling of this, altho leaving it be on that note is fine as well :rainbowlaugh:

9858929
Seconded, this is absolutely hilarious and with so much shenanigan material. The banter this this'd allow, oh dear! :rainbowlaugh:

Leave me be, Spike, can't you see your has died and gone to the Green Fields of Forever?

missing a word

Pulchritudinous

I learned a new word today

I could gouge my eyes out right now and die happen

Overwhelming beauty causes mental typos

mien

I learned another new word today


Funny hoers in funny love

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9858939
ghhghgh how did 'sister' get lost? I KNOW IT WAS THERE

thank you :B

A million upvotes for the use of "pulchritudinous." It's been one of my favorite words since the moment I learned it.

I feel like this was just an excuse to get some poetic descriptions of each of the other mane 6 down on paper, but who am I to question it? They were all awesome. And got a couple laughs in there, too.

Every step she takes, every move she makes, I'll be watching those taut cords ripple and shift, right there under her skin.

So I see Applejack got The Police talking (and maybe Linkin Park snuck in there, too).

And I'm not sure, but I think The Corrs saw Rainbow Dash...

Just wait till she gets to the Royal Wedding.

"So, Shiny... can I have her if you're not interested? It's the one-size-fits-all entomology package I never realised I've always wanted!" :twilightblush:

Edit: There's no way you aren't planning bonus chapters for Trixie, Sunset, Starlight and Tempest, right?

Apologies to any actual lesbians for how much I find the term "useless lesbian" amusing. :B

In my experience, lesbians love the term, and use it all the time just for the laughs.
~Signed, a useless lesbian who read this story specifically because she couldn't stop giggling when she realized what "the Useless" meant here.

this... is pure gold! :rainbowlaugh:

thanks so much for this, have a mustache my friend :moustache:

you know what? take all of them!
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Fluttershy is just so stinkin' cute, and it is not fair.

I love the contrast between the stuff like that and the more poetic bits :raritystarry:

Did you post this under the wrong account? :trollestia:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9858958
If there was any purpose to this story beyond just the joke, it's trying to figure out what anyone, not just Twilight, might see in each of her friends.

9859022
It's just so funny and descriptive. :D

9859124
Nooooo...? :O

This is an absolute trainwreck of lust at first sight that's no basis for a healthy and longterm relationship you poor adorkable purple shut in.

And it's beautiful.

This is so hilarious and so stupid and I need more of it right stat now you absolute madman.

9858974
this this this this THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!

9859022
I must be out of the loop, because im I'm not familiar with that term. :rainbowhuh:

Dear Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student,

Enclosed is something we in Canterlot call a 'Restraining Order.'

No, it has nothing to do with the padded hoofcuffs that you and Cadence played with, or the 'Fungeon' in the palace basement where we had our little 'lessons' in magic. It is a legal document, forbidding you from entering the city of Canterlot for any purpose, or approaching within three miles of my sister.

Your loving teacher,
Princess Celestia

P.S. You should know, I saw her first. Hooves off, kid.

The moment I meet Rainbow Dash, I am in too much of a food coma to really appraise her. The moment after, I am too huffy at her gross incompetence to really appraise her. And then I am too covered in mud. And then I am too spinning around. And then I am too oh no, she's hot.

Same energy.

Honestly.. I want this to become a full story :rainbowlaugh: it may seem odd but darn it I'd love a full story of this:pinkiehappy: so if you can PLEASE make a full novel of this! I'd really appreciate it. If you can't I'll understand just recommending it.

"So, any of you girls fuck?"

OH MY!

Shut up you useless lesbian :twilightsmile:

Sweet! :pinkiehappy:

Just buck me in the head and drag me off to bed, you divine goddess of fertility.

Hahahahaahhhh......

this would be amazing for a full story :D

This is stupid, funny, but also surprisingly useful.

...Why the hell do I now headcanon Twilight being this ravenous beast repressing her carnal urges through books and academia and scientific inquiry, with the horniness to match, or quite possibly surpass the Princess of Love herself?

9859799
I've had that headcanon for years. :rainbowlaugh: now this just needs a sequel to where she sleeps her way through the main six followed by one where she runs into chrysalis, starlight, Sunset, and the Dazzlings and has the same issue getting over the fact that they're all sexy too.

I need her reaction to Nightmare and the other mares, like Zecora and the mare villians.

9859136
y'know
the first part of the story may as well be a list of examples as to why various groups within the fandom love their respective ponies as they do
the rest of it's just goddamn hilarious

Coranth #35 · Oct 1st, 2019 · · 1 ·

This... is gold. Just fucking GOLD. We NEED Twily to ogle Chrysalis--who doesn't love sexy bughorse?!

(Back off, Spike, I saw her first!)

I knew this line would have to come up, and I still laughed out loud. I thought Rarity's would be my favorite, but then Fluttershy's happened, and then Luna's.

Hilarious and slightly stupid and a very good job at catching an adorkable, possibly way too horny, Twilight's inner thoughts.

EDIT: I would love to see chapters with Twilight meeting some other prominent mares: Cadance, Chrysalis, Trixie, Starlight, Sunset.

So, can I just say.................this story is actually the best thing ever and I want to know the answer! DO THEY FUCK! SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS!!

This was honestly just very sweet and nice and just... lovely.

Radiant. Gorgeous. Pulchritudinous.

I really must learn that last word. So beautifully sesquipedalian, so delightfully rare.

Pinkie's a mare you can't get away from, no matter how hard you try. She's sticking to me like glue. I'd sure like to make her stickier, if you catch my drift. Just smear that frosting all up and down.

Getting naughty, are we? :raritywink:

Dear Princess Celestia, your little sister is super fucking cute. She may not be evil anymore, but she is still going to cute pony jail for the rest of her life, where I will make conjugal visits every night for cute pony snuggles. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

Can "conjugal visit" and "cute pony snuggles" coexist?

*thinks*

Yes, yes they can.

"So, any of you girls fuck?"

:rainbowlaugh:

Straight to the point with your new "friends," Twilight.

Sure your entire life's sexual energy wasn't repressed until Ponyville and then it burst in the moment you laid eyes on AJ?

Twilight! I entirely agree with your elucidation on Fluttershy's world-class cuteness!

Now, just describe yourself like you did the others, and I'll be perfectly happy to bask in the glorious depictions! :pinkiehappy:

Oh, and I'm saving that art.

*looks through comments*

Wow, the number of likes here are the highest I've ever seen. :rainbowderp:

And I've posted entirely too many comments in my enthusiasm.

9859022
Never knew it that adjective was connected to lesbians.

I thought it was "the Useless" because she was entirely too busy staring and salivating at mares to do anything useful for the Summer Sun Celebration.

Wait... is it a double entendre?

Short, silly, hilarious. Thank you for this one:pinkiehappy:!

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9860550
I mean, what else do ponies do on a conjugal visit? :B

9860703
Oh wait, I got the meaning of conjugal wrong. :twilightsheepish:

Had quite a different image in my mind. :twilightblush:

Offscreen, Twinkleshine, Minuette, Lemon Hearts and especially Moondancer are having an epic attack of jealousy. "Hey! She was our girlfriend first!"

Needs 10% more naughty.

You seen Lyra as Diplomate? Some compliments would have gone a long way.

Twilight, you need to get laid.

9860961
What do you think she's trying to do here?

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