She Drives Me Batty

by I Thought I Was Toast

Blind As A Bat Part 1

No longer an Ursa Minor, but an Ursa Major, it had gotten so very difficult over the years to scrounge the books together to make a proper cave whenever I wanted to fully devote myself to a study session. Luckily, the Princess of Friendship was the official unofficial Princess of Books, and Mom had agreed to let me have a day in the library to study for several upcoming tests my teachers had given her for me.

While she spent the day making all the Dawn Guard sweat just by walking around, I grabbed enough books to carve out a mountain for myself. Huddling in the shade of my cozy cave, I flipped through the pages, eyes closed. Times like these always made for good practice, so I clicked first, and only read second if I couldn’t interpret the text very well.

Math, science, equish, magical theory, I had books for just about every class in school as well as a few for the extra tests Mom was gonna give me on other stuff. More than just battle manuals and tactics, she’d given me a list of philosophy and ethics books with a few psychology texts mixed in.

Those were the bedrock of my mountain, though. They had to be read last. Mom had invoked the Blue-Eyed Demon, and she had made me Pinkie Promise to put all my real schoolwork first.

So as much as I was curious to find out what kind of alicorn The Prince was about, it was buried under a ton of other guano as I curled up with my Equish homework before me, trying not to hurl at the abomination that was Lord of the Flies. The author had to be a changeling. He just had to. There was no way a real pony could have that twisted a sense of reality.

In a world where friendship was literally magic, I could not imagine foals ever devolving into feral little beasts like that.

No…. Just, no.

I had already put the book down like three times to take a break with other subjects. Buck it being a ‘classic.’ It was neither classic nor cliché; clichés could still be enjoyable. It was a cli-shit, and I was almost ready to just take my lumps and fail that test just to make sure I didn’t lose the will to work altogether.

Math was sounding so much better right now, what with its rules and cold hard logic. Math had yet to ever betray me, and I would rather die than think it could be so cruel as to—

Opening up my Calculus book, I paused as the title of the next chapter echoed up to me.

‘Limits and You Part 3: How Everything You Previously Knew Was A Lie’

“Eeenope.” Promptly shutting the book, I instead resolved to avoid that monster by opening my physics book.

“Night? Are you still there?” Mom’s voice drifted through my wall of paper and ink.

“Yeah!” I called back as I looked halfway between her and the book. One ear swiveled down while the other perked towards Mom, allowing me to both read as I listened, or so I hoped. “Is it time to go already?”

“No, dear, you still have a few hours. You wanted a whole day and night, and you’re getting it. No, I’m here because you apparently have a guest.”

“I have a what?” I blinked and opened my eyes, pausing in my clicks to give Mom my full attention.

“Yeah, that’s what I said when this gangly unicorn showed up to ask your Dad where he could find you. In his own words, he has ‘finished raising you yet more soldiers for your army of darkness.’”

“Euuuurgh… Calculated Plans? Really? What the buck is he doing out here rather than at games club?” With a groan, I buried my head in my hooves. “I didn’t even ask for any more minis!”

“According to him? He asked Button where our house was and upon finding we were out, he trudged up here to ask your father where you might be. I listened to them for a good five minutes before coming to find you. I can’t figure out if he’s being doggedly persistent or unable to take hints, but I give him… another ten minutes before he fries your father’s brain?”

“Don’t mind him. He does that.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “You get used to it. He is… beyond incredibly smart, but that makes him a little dense. He’s real good with numbers and logistics, but really bad with ponies. Despite all the love and care he puts into painting those freaking minis, every Discord damned one is just another body he’s happy to lose. I still haven’t managed to beat him at that war game Button got me into, no matter how hard I try! Every time, it ends with him saying I should have sacked this or I should have killed that! Bucking civvy…”

Mom’s brow furrowed at my words, her head poking into the cave to check on me. “Night, dear, until you’re through boot, you're a civvy just as much as him.”

“No.” I puffed out my chest. “I am a military brat. I should be way better at tactics than him!”

“But you aren’t?”

“No, not even close….” I sighed. “So I really just don’t want to see him right now, okay? I'm already dwelling on enough mistakes with that whole Crusty buck-up….”

“Well, then…" Mom's pause was long as she hummed in thought. "That’s too bad, Night, because as of right now, I’ve decided that that’s exactly what you’re going to do. I’ll be right back with him. Trust me. It’ll be good for you!” Mom’s head was gone in a flash.

“Errr… What? Wait! No!” As I stood to give chase and explain a million reasons why that was a bad idea, my elephant-sized flank hit the walls of my cozy enclosure to bring the whole mountain avalanching down. By the time I dug myself out, Mom was almost certainly too far gone, so I sighed and started cleaning up as I awaited my doom.

“Hello, Nightingale. Button told me you were suspended.” And there he was, my accursed nemesis. His emotionless voice was only matched by his dead, soulless eyes—the eyes of a killing machine.

"Aye." Eyeing him warily, I licked my lips. "Games club is today, yeah? Shouldn't you be there?"

Giving a slow, ponderous blink, he tilted his head. "Yes? But Button said you were suspended."

Great, that answered everything and nothing.

"What does that have to do with anything? Mom said you had minis, but I didn't ask you to paint any." Heaving a heavy sigh, I gestured to the books behind me. "I'm kind of in the middle of studying, so…"

"You're about due for a break from schoolwork." Stepping up from behind him, Mom smiled. "And I figured this would be more fun than what I originally had planned. It'll also be educational, with any luck, so it's two lightning bolts with a single strike."

"Plus it's games club today." Putting his bag down, he started rifling through it. "It would be a crime not to play something." Each of his saddlebags were stuffed with storage boxes for minis, and while I recognized the ones for his preferred troops, there was a whole bag stuffed full of new minis for me.

"Dude, what the buck?" Picking up one of the boxes, I blinked on seeing the dark ebony wood inlaid with silver filigree and sealed with a clasp bearing my cutie mark. "Custom storage? This must have cost a fortune! I can't pay you for this!"

Pausing in his unpacking, Calculated blinked. "Pay? These are all a gift. Wasn't that obvious?"

A… gift?

"No, it wasn't." The urge to rub the bridge of my nose was strong as I exhaled. "A gift for what? When did you even find the time or resources to make these?!" Looking over the entire set of boxes, I estimated it to be an entire army which was way, way too much.

"It's a lot cheaper if you carve the minis yourself." He shrugged. "And once you can carve a mini, carving a box is easy. There's also special illusionary paint you can mix if you've got the aptitude for it—which I do—so I can hide the wood grain and do a couple other little things like fake metal sheets or add some extra gloss to the finish. If you poke the filigree there, you'll be able to feel the wood and paint."

Damn, he was right. Pretty crafty for displays, but it wasn't as much a flawless masterpiece as it looked as I took a few seconds to feel them over.

"As to what it's for?" He gave another shrug. "Well… I don't want to ruin the surprise. Open them up, and you'll see. I hope… I'm not really good at this gift stuff, but I spent basically all of the last two weeks painting them. I didn't go to the games club, and I didn't do homework; I didn't even know the school had suspended you until today when I showed up to give them to you at the club."

Ahhhh, buck… now I really couldn't refuse them. Why the hay would he spend so much time and effort—

As I opened the box and stared down, my brain slowly ground to a halt, smoking as the gears tried and failed to turn. "It's me."

"Ah, so you opened the first commander, then?" Calculated nodded and moved over to look down. "Some of my better work. I know your last army was full of Succubi, Wyches, and Hellions, but you struck me as an Incubus, even if they're supposed to all be male in the lore. If you lift that layer up and look underneath, there's a set of bodyguards for her to personally lead."

I was a little faster than I should have been shifting through the packing. Sure enough, he was right, though. Little me had a personal army of shadow clones just as big and bulky and armored as her. His painting made me burn with envy at just how realistic the burning shadows filling the armor looked. I could pull my own shadow out of the ground right now and it would look faker.

Each was posed in a form I knew well. Whether they were fighting or biting, whether they snarled or growled, every single one was posed exactly like I would be during a scuffle. "I… take it you were at the fight with Crusty?" Biting my lip, my voice was quiet as I spoke.

"Fights aren't my thing, but when else was I going to get a chance to see a traditional thestral duel? There was no way in Tartarus I was missing that." He nodded again. "It was very awe-inspiring—very humbling. I just had to make you these, especially since it was all to put those bullies in their place. Did you know there are ponies that have the gall to say you were the one to take things too far? I don't know what they expected. You were stuck facing twenty-to-one odds. Of course you were going to use all your special rules and attacks."

"Errr… yeah, crazy, isn't it?" Instead of opening that particular can of rotten worms, I started going through all the boxes, and sure enough, they were all like me, even when they weren't completely modeled to be me. The way they stood, the way they bared their fangs, even the stoney scowls and big, elephant wings. Even the stallions looked like shadows of me with how terrifyingly accurate the poses were.

The only models that weren't scarily like me were the homunculus monstrosities. I didn't know if it was apt or insulting that he'd modeled those after Dad. They were still a horrible mishmash of flesh and limbs, but the head captured Dad’s snarl from that night so perfectly as to make my hackles raise. Images of crying into his shoulder as he glared down at the broken Crusty with absolute hate and revilement flashed before my eyes as I looked at the figures, and it was so…

…undadly.

That more than all the rest of the models sent my stomach churning with a mix of emotions.

Terror and fear, hate and disgust, pride and joy.

How was I supposed to feel about this?

“Do you like them?” As unable to read faces as he was, it was times like this where Calculated was most trying.

“I… yeah, I love them.” Carefully putting them away, I set the last box down and exhaled slowly.

And I did love them. They represented an amazing amount of work. I just had to focus on that rather than where he’d gotten inspiration for all the models.

“There isn’t really a good place to use them in the castle, though. At least, there isn’t one open to the public. We could have maybe used one of these tables here, but it doesn’t look like you brought terrain, so—”

“There was a perfectly serviceable table three halls back behind some giant crystal doors.” The fact that Calculated’s tail wagged should have been a warning. “It was absolutely huge, and had the perfect map of Equestria, complete with zoom and day and night cycles! It’s exactly the sort of map they use in tourneys!”

Hoof met face. Hard. “Calculated… you’re talking about the council room and Princess Twilight Sparkle’s map. No.”

“But it…”

“No.”

“But—”

“You know, I hate to interject, but I really don’t mind if you use it.”

I nearly leapt out of my skin as Twilight rounded another aisle while levitating a swarm of books.

“I actually play Ogres and Oubliettes as well as other tabletop stuff on it whenever Shining comes over. Spike, Discord, and Big Mac use it for their games, too. Just make sure one of you always keeps an eye on it. The castle loves switching pieces and cheating to help its favorite players.”

“P-P-Princess?!” I immediately bowed with Mom more casually following suit instead of ending up a tangled mass of limbs like me. “How long have you been there?!”

“Long enough. It is my library, after all.” She giggled like absolutely nothing was wrong.

“Hrmmm…” As Calculated stood there and stared up and off into the distance, it took dedicated effort to not growl at him to bow. “Your castle… cheats? How?”

“It’s a genius loci powered by friendship and capable of rearranging all the rooms and furniture within itself provided no pony is actively watching.” Princess Twilight shrugged. “Spike likes to joke that the Tree of Harmony thought I needed more reminders to eat since one baby dragon just isn’t enough.”

“It’s never been the number of reminders, Princess.” Mom chuckled as she rose back to her hooves and looked up at the Princess. “It’s about grabbing your attention in the first place. Once you start something, it’s impossible to drag you away.”

“I-I’ve gotten better about that!” Princess Twilight stammered and rustled her wings like a filly being scolded. I blanched at the sight, looking to Mom who just shrugged at me and grinned.

“Don’t give me that look, Night. I’m off duty while homeschooling you.”

“But you can’t just…” I flailed a hoof about. “…not to the Princess!”

Mom snorted. “Oh, I can, and I will. Besides, she’s the one who wants her guards fast and loose with their mouths.”

“Eurff!” Tossing my hooves up, I hastily gathered my things and motioned to Calculated who was off in his own little world reading a rulebook and muttering to himself. “Come on. Let’s just go set up.”

Mom and the Princess followed—because, of course, they both wanted to watch—and I was quick to start sweating bullets as they chatted and giggled in ways Mom had never done back in the Solar Guard. I was never gonna get used to her and Dad losing their stoic touch, even after all the years we’d been in Ponyville. And right here, right now? Their chatting gave me all kinds of shivers. My frogs were clammy and white as my nerves tried to get the best of me, all my previous losses to Calculated flashing through my head.

I needed to beat him today.

I just had to.

Blinking at the map as we entered the room, I paused upon seeing an unfamiliar landscape. It was not the projection of Equestria that I had seen a few rare times before. No, it was a range of icy mountains and hills. Dotted with trees and rocks, capped with clouds and blizzards, there was no shortage of cover for either of us to use.

Calculated immediately made his way over to it, circling like a shark until, with a small nod, he hummed in approval. “An adequate battlefield for us. The terrain is too treacherous for my usual setup, but it will be good practice to deploy in unfavorable conditions.”

Setting his boxes down, he quickly located his monstrous sack of dice. “Shall we roll for deployment and initiative?”

“You’re rolling for… what?” Mom was leaning against the wall beside the door as she watched.

“Deployment and initiative.” From her front row seat and throne, Twilight clapped her hooves as she pulled a rulebook from somewhere. I wasn’t sure which idea was worse—her already having it in the swarm of books following her or her pulling it from the aether itself. Both thoughts were as terrifying as the mock general’s cap that screamed of Rarity’s work now sitting in place of the crown on her head. “Since they’re skirmishing and not playing out a campaign, they need a way to figure out who attacked whom and stuff like that.”

“I see.” Mom’s hum made me fidget as I clutched the dice in my hooves and whispered a prayer to the Nightmother.

My luck was a mixed bag today, it seemed. I won the deployment roll, but Calculated was going first. Denying him cover was more important than ever; I’d be needing the heaviest of it to shield me from an immediate salvo from his unicorns and pegasi.

Grimacing at the board, I started by claiming the highest mountain top with a transport holding five of the Incubi Calculated had just given me. It was a fragile ship, but it had cloud cover to protect it now. The mountain was in a good spot to make him think twice of taking some of the other cover on the map, and I could easily rush my choice of targets from the vantage I had taken.

None of that seemed to matter, however, as the instant I placed it both Mom and Calculated hummed and arched their brow.

“Interesting choice.” Calculated peered at the table from several angles before taking a small group of unicorns and placing them atop a different mountain. Far away on his edge of the board, devoid of any clouds or cover, I hadn’t paid it much mind before. “Though, if you think every soldier of mine needs cover, you are in for a surprise.”

What was he… Wait. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

Scrambling around the table, I lowered my head to the level of Calculated’s unicorns and peered toward the top of my mountain. Sure enough, this mountain was just high enough that his troops could see me. No clouds for cover on his end, but he didn’t need to worry about mine. Just how far could those unicorns fire?

I growled at my blunder, and started peering from each and every mountain top to see what angles of approach each had. “I… am keeping my commander in reserve.”

Calculated blinked. “Really? A first time for everything, I suppose.”

Watch and wait…. Just watch and wait…. I needed a better idea of how he was deploying.

Another small group of unicorns was placed atop another mountain on his end. Was it added insurance to take out my forward force? Or just an attempt at hiding his future intentions? Buck, it would be so much easier to think about this if I wasn’t sweating hard enough to flood the table. I could feel Mom’s eyes as they looked over me and the table, and I couldn’t help but feel this was a test of some kind.

Mom said little, however, as deployment continued, and every step I took to outmaneuver Calculated only made it painfully clear how much better he was at planning for every possible outcome. If I denied him one strategic location, he would just find another. With all the cover on the board, he was able to spread his army impossibly wide, and though I could certainly close in on some of his forces, he made sure I would have to tear through plenty of fodder and meatshields to reach anything important.

I had no room to flank him with my commander and her shadows like I had wanted either. He had meticulously placed everything to deny me any good spots to spring them from the shadows. My only hope was going to be to open space and then bring them in, but that was going to cost valuable time and resources.

As I looked over the board, I could literally feel the despair well up in me. So many were going to die if I was to have a hope at victory. It was… inevitable. It was always inevitable with Calculated, and there was nothing I could do.

“Shall we begin, then?” He levitated his lucky cup up to rattle the dice of doom.

I gulped, but nodded as I fought the urge to fidget and rustle my wings. This was not that hard. I had trained all my life to save others. A little war game should be nothing.

The horns of valor were calling; the hymns of the Nightmother rang. As the dice fell and the first shots were taken, I was forced to watch the overpowering might of my enemies’ magic from where I brooded in darkness, waiting to strike.

“Pray that your magic is enough, hühnerblut. Should my forces break your line, I will make you pay for all the suffering you’ve caused.”

Author's Note:

Alright, here we go! Was originally gonna bring Beanstalk in and shed some light on Crusty's motivations as they both transfered from the same school, but I'm thinking I'll go through one more rotation of arcs. Calculated seemed a nice choice for this, as he just wouldn't care about Night going too far. Not 100% sure what I'll do next arc with Mercy, but if I do what I'm thinking for it right now, it'll probably be best to toss in another one shot in Echoes of Family first to give y'all some better context. And then the next Guard/Diamond Arc will be the Nightmare Night episode I've been trying to figure out how to do for ages, and I just realized Night's suspension gives her an excuse to not be able to spend it with friends and instead shadow the Everfree Rangers... at night... on Nightmare Night... in the spooky Everfree Forest. I've got plans for that. Yes, I do.

Comments

[Dan]

I wonder what she'd think of Catcher in the Rye.

[Dorath]

Buck it being a ‘classic.’ It was neither classic nor cliché; clichés could still be enjoyable.

I slogged through Lord of the Flies, and I agree with Night entirely.

Does Calculated have a crush on Night?

[Thyrrnatf]

interesting.... looking forward to what's to come....

[I Thought I Was Toast]

11272471
She’d probably get annoyed at how insubordinate the protagonist is, but I doubt she’d hate the story like she does Lord. Lord of the Flies specifically goes out of its way to assume the worst of equinity/humanity, while Catcher is more… relatable? At the very least, she understands that teenagers are kinda famous for being rebellious little punks. Heck, I imagine whatever antics a teenage Scoots and Rumble get up to would make Catcher very believable to her. As to whether she would like it or just be neutral about it, well… I’m not sure, actually. Its been a while since I read Catcher, so I can’t remember the exact tone well enough, but it is possible she could end up feeling a little jealous towards the MC and his ability to just ignore all responsibility. I think that’s supposed to be the draw of Catcher, really. Even if you realize the MC is just being an idiot, it’s the fact he’s choosing to do so as if he’s an adult that can appeal to young adults.

[Spamotron]

11272643
Semi-related tangent.
Given how easily Night empathizes with things (example: treating the “deaths,” of her Miniatures as real on some level) I wonder what a good immersive game that really forces you too make hard decisions for the sake of your “family,” like Papers Please or This War Of Mine would do to her?

[MathBrony173]

Been meaning to read this and I was finally able to and get caught up over the last few days. I'm really enjoying what I've read so far and looking forward to more when it comes. I find it interesting to hear Calculated's perspective on the fight. Given how much he enjoys battle and strategy games, I take it he viewed Night's actions in a similar light: doing what she needs to do based on the odds she's facing.

I do personally believe she went too far, but only when it comes to Crusty, not the others she fought against. She allowed for him to get in her head and lashed out, which changed her from being a pony fighting for the greater good to the 'villain'. This is something any person who fights to protect needs to be mindful of and be able to avoid, so it's a good lesson for her, though the circumstances are really unfortunate

11272480
I was wondering about if he had a crush on Night, myself. But I'm more leaning towards it being that seeing her in action at the fight inspired him and he got immersed in making those custom minis for her. Plus, he was aware that she was fighting to put some bullies in their place, so I wouldn't be surprised if the gift was also meant as a "thank you".