• Published 30th Sep 2019
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She Drives Me Batty - I Thought I Was Toast



For five long years, Nightingale Mooncrest has suffered from a terminal infection of Diamond-studded cooties; she is perfectly alright with this.

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From the Shadows, They Strike Part 2

The war council was held in the Hard Rock Cafe, by which, of course, I mean Diamond’s dining room.

Mr. Rich had the best room for it, even if it was a little over the top. The ornate, wooden table was nice and wide with plenty of spots to sit; it was perfect for banging a hoof on, and large enough to set up models of the battlefield as we planned. If only the rest of the meeting room was dignified and spartan, rather than rich and garish, it would have been perfect.

A slightly too lush carpet went from wall to wall with elegant patterns, and there were shelves lining the walls all filled with souvenirs and knick-knacks—mementos of Mr. Rich’s favorite deals or partners. I had heard many of the stories involved with them over dinner, and not all were happy and good.

Business ponies were far more vicious and ruthless than soldiers as it turned out. The worst of them could bleed countless ponies dry with the whip crack of a tail; they ruined lives, bartered souls, and the worst of them laughed at the most heinous of crimes, littering! Mr. Rich wasn’t quite that bad, but he was the vindictive type to kick his foes when they were down and collect trophies of the swindling swine who dared challenge him. So much power and wealth was shoved in this room, just looking around was enough to give me shivers.

So instead I focused on our impromptu map of the school, occasionally glowering around at the other girls.

“So? Who wants to go first?” Diamond tsked and tapped her hoof as the silence turned oppressive. “Any ideas besides drawing and quartering?”

The dye—true to her fears—had not washed out. Jury was still out on whether she’d need to shave; she was importing a heavy-duty, magical zebrew that was supposed to be powerful enough to purge even the everlasting death turds from the poor schmucks stuck cleaning up after Cerberus.

Would it work? Ehhhhhh… Whether it did or didn’t, she’d still be out for blood.

“I still vote for letting the authorities handle it.” My frown deepened. “All we need is proof of who’s involved.”

“Proof? Proof?!” Banging her hoof on the table, Diamond gave a most unlady-like leer. “You wanna just settle for proof?! Where’s your sense of justice?! We leave it to the school and they’ll all get slaps on the wrist just like Silver and I did!”

Silver nodded, her glasses hiding her dead fish eyes as she reached up to adjust them. “Finch might be tough, but detention is hardly a fitting punishment here.”

“And who are we to decide that?” Fangs bared and gleaming, my coat bristled and my wings rustled. “It’s getting a bit too personal to do whatever we want.”

“We’re the top dogs in town, that’s who.” Scoots gave a cheeky grin and elbowed Rumble. “We should totally just do whatever we want, right?”

Rumble, even insubordinate as he was, was wise enough to not comment.

“Eh!” Scoots was having none of it, though, and nudged harder. “Right?”

“I… wouldn’t mind knocking a few heads together if it came down to it.”

Gee… thanks, Rumble.

“Guys, guys, guys!” As we all glowered at each other, Apple Bloom stepped up to wave us down. “You’re all missin’ somethin’ mighty important. We don’t know who dun it yet. Can we wait on playin’ judge, jury, and executioner until we all got the varmints?”

“Agreed.” Sweetie shook her head from where she was cuddled up with Button. “Ponies are talking enough as it is without you all going on a rampage. Let’s at least wait until we know who’s involved.” She looked to me. “You asked First Down to come, right?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t wanna make him a target. It could be the whole hoofball team involved for all we know, so I settled for slipping a letter in his locker. Told him we were meeting during their scheduled practice and asked if he’d fake being sick. It was better he come see us when nobody else on the team could suspect or follow. If he’s coming, he’ll be here soon.”

“Might as well wait, then.” Apple Bloom looked between us all, eyes squinted. “That is, if y’all can behave yourselves?”

“Hey! I was behaving!” I pouted.

“Growlin’ when the rest of us disagree with you ain’t behavin’, Night.” With a snort, her gaze settled on me and she frowned. “Truth be told, I’m with the others, too. So is Sweetie.”

The elegant mare nodded from her spot beside Button. He was limp and despondent as she rubbed his shoulder—still completely in despair as he stared at the head of his action figure.

What? Such betrayal…

I pouted further but said nothing, settling down to wait and glowering at the table as silence fell once again. Thank the Nightmother that it was only a few minutes before the doorbell rang and a sheepish First Down crept up the stairs to join us. His normally heavy hoofsteps were soft and faltered as he approached the door, peeking his head in and wincing as he saw Diamond.

“Hey, guys…. I, uh, heard about the incident.”

Diamond and I both snorted, but she beat me to the actual punch. “Incident? Incident?! The whole bucking school knows about the damn incident!”

Stepping between Diamond and First Down, I made sure the tongue lashing didn’t turn into a brawl. “Easy, Princess. He’s here to help us, remember?”

“If he could control his own bloody tea—”

“We won’t know it was the hoofball team until he confirms it, so cool down, now.” I glowered and drew myself up even as Diamond snorted steam in her anger. We glared for a bit, neither willing to back down first, and then on an unspoken agreement we backed away simultaneously, returning to our spots at the table as First Down’s head whipped between us.

“So.” Grumbling as I looked at him, I crossed my hooves and rustled my wings. “You know who has it out for us?”

“Uh… well, thanks, Night, but she is kinda right to be mad.” First’s ears splayed back. “Things seemed fine at first. The guys were mad but not mad enough to do anything, then that hot shot transfer student joined the team, and everything went south from there. Don’t know what you did to him, but he heard a few of the others trash talking you, and, well… they all got to talking.” Shaking his head, First snorted and looked down with a frown. “A better question would be who doesn’t have it out for you on the team.”

“Great, just what we need.” Looking over the table, I started picking out little tokens until I had enough to represent the hoofball team. “A whole slew of angry jocks. At least it’s me they’re angry at. Things coulda gone real south real fast. Who’s the jackass behind it?”

First snickered a bit only to drop his smile as I turned to look at him. “Sorry. It’s just… the guy’s name is Crusty Catcher.” He snerked again, as did Scoots and Rumble.

“Wait, it’s Catcher? Really?” I looked between the table and First Down. “Didn’t peg him as being that smart or charismatic.”

“Actually, he’s crass as a sack of shit. He doesn’t need to be charIsmatic, though.” First grimaced and shook his head. “Dude may be a first year, but he’s already one of our best players. The rest of the team basically worships him as the next you.”

“Gee, how nice of them to remember just what Night was all about.” Silver rolled her eyes and tsked.

“Night is nothing like that piece of trash.” Something cracked as Diamond tensed every muscle in her body. I wasn’t sure what; I probably didn’t want to know.

“Hey, hey! Don’t look at me! I’m with you guys here!” First took a step back at the sheer livid fury blazing in my marefriends eyes.

“I’m not blaming you, First. You just happen to be between me and the door.”

Wuh-oh…

“Diamond, dear. You oughta wait until we have a plan.” I moved to rest a hoof on her shoulder. “I know you wanna beat the horse apples out of somepony, but if you go do that now, you’ll be the one in trouble.”

“Look at my mane and coat right now and tell me that piece of crust-catching filth doesn’t deserve swallowing my hoof.” Diamond’s gaze made even me flinch as her head turned to look me in the eye. “No! Even worse, tell me he doesn’t deserve it after dragging all your hard work through the mud. Have you heard the rumors going around? It’s only been a few days!”

My ears splayed as I retreated back a step. I had heard the rumors, and none of them were good, but beating up Crusty would only—

“See! He’s getting in your head! You’re letting him win!”

I didn’t quite flinch as she slugged my shoulder, but I did rear my head back in surprise. I tried looking to the others for help, though they were all silent, none meeting my gaze.

“He’s challenging you—making you look weak! And you’re just sitting there and taking it ‘cause the rules are the rules!” Snorting and stamping the ground, Diamond’s tail lashed hard enough to whip crack. “So if my knight isn’t gonna do anything about it, I am; I can only hope next time you’ll have the balls to do the same for me!”

“Diamond, please…. It’s just some rumors and hair dye. We need to be the bigger ponies here.” I reached out, biting my lip hard. My wings rustled as I debated restraining her, but any chance of that was lost when her tears hit me like a spear to the chest.

“Stop shrugging it off like it’s nothing! You were all gung ho about stopping him before when it was just random students in the crossfire! Where the fuck did that go?! I’d think getting stuck in a locker would only make you more angry!”

“I’m trying not to take it too personally.” I couldn’t help growling as I said it. “Getting too vindictive will make us no better than them. We’re stronger than them, tougher. We don’t need to stoop that low.”

“Oh, so that’s what you think, huh?” The yelling had trailed off into a raspy whisper as Diamond sniffed. “Night, I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life. Do you get just how awful it’ll be if I need to shave? I’ve been having bucking nightmares about what ponies will say. I’ve barely been able to get out of bed and out to school the last few days, because I can’t stand other ponies seeing me like this. And you’re just telling me to stand and take that?”

I stood there, squirming, silent, not knowing what to say.

“I’m going to bed. Night, get your priorities in order… please.” With a huff, Diamond brushed past me; I didn’t stop her—didn’t resist. There were too many whirling thoughts and feelings surging like a storm within me.

“Well, then.” Apple Bloom coughed into her hoof. “Maybe we oughta call it for the day? I’m sure if we give Diamond some time, she’ll be—”

There was a loud slam as Diamond reached her room, and with it, everything clicked.

“Don’t. Bother.” The room got a bit darker as I hissed the words out. “I know what needs to be done now.”

“Errr… you do?” Looking between the door and me, Apple Bloom gave a nervous chuckle.

“Mhmm.” I nodded slowly as a fang-filled grin cracked its way across my face. “Idiot that I am, I forgot the golden rule; the mare is always right.”

The fools better pray for the Nightmare to take them, ’cause the streets were gonna run dark with blood if I got them first.

“Awww, yeah, Night’s onboard the pain train!” Scoots grinned and pumped her hoof. “Those punks are gonna wish they were never born~ What’s the plan?” Rubbing her hooves together, she buzzed her wings and leaned in. “Whatever you want, I’m in.”

“Oh, no…. You misunderstand, Scoots. You guys don’t need to do anything but sit, watch, and bear witness.” Half-purr, half-growl, something in my voice caused her to pause.

“Uh… Night, you aren’t about to ignore your own advice and do something hot-headed, are you?” Rumble squirmed back a step.

“Hah, hot-headed? I’ve never felt so cool and calm in my life.” My grin cracked wider. “It’s all so very clear what I need to do. I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier.”

“And that is?” Silver’s half-smirk and arched brow were so emotive for her normally deadpan expression, it was as if she sensed Hearth’s Warming coming early.

And knowing her, it was.

“You’ll find out tomorrow. I need to make it all official—get the paperwork together.”

Silver snorted and rolled her eyes, muttering something about a ‘loon under moon.’ I had no idea what she was talking about, though. Me? Crazy? Never. I was a completely rational pony.

A calm, cold, seethingly sane individual.

Dad and I walked to school with a certain swagger in every step. There was something about the armor that just filled a pony with confidence.

Even still, he glanced at me with an almost imperceptible frown as we turned to take the final stretch. “You’re sure about this?”

“Sure as I can be.” My own face was still as stone.

“You don’t need to do this.”

“Did that ever stop Mom her first time?” My brow arched a few millimeters in proper guard fashion.

“Well…” Dad hummed and hawwed, looking for an excuse that wasn’t there. “…no, but that’s different. You aren’t gonna lose Diamond if you decide not to go through with it.”

“Dad… you didn’t hear her yesterday—didn’t see her. These buggers are a blight on both my honor and hers, and Nightmare take me if I’m gonna let them get away with it.” Deep breaths. Steady. “This is exactly what Schattenkrieg is for.”

“Mmmm… it’s that bad, huh?”

“Eeyup.”

Dad rumbled out a low chuckle, smiling wistfully and shaking his head. “I told your mother it was pointless to try. She should’ve known better.”

I tilted my head. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“Well, neither your mother nor I back down for stuff like this, do we? Either way you slice or dice it, it’s just not in your blood.” His grin grew and he clapped me on the back. “I can’t say I approve, but what does that matter, eh? You’re a grown mare now, and that means making your own decisions. Nightmother above, I mean, you’ve been able to call for Schattenkrieg for two whole years now. I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t come up yet. One of the first things I did after turning sixteen was get my ass hooved to me. Can’t even remember what I called it for.”

“Uncle Liquid ate the last of your birthday cake.” I smiled. “He loves telling that story.”

“Ah, right.” Dad nodded. “I was saving a slice for your mother, and he was hungover enough to think the note saying ‘For Morning Glory,’ meant it was for his morning glory.”

“Uh-huh. That’s why he loves that story.” Discord, damn it. Why was I giggling? “Even drunk as a skunk and hungover to boot, he beat you without breaking a sweat.”

“Aye, he did!” Throwing his head back, Dad laughed. “And we both got grounded big time for it! Me for being an idiot, and him for going along with it.” He sighed. “Your mother was so mad at me.”

“Good times, hrmmm?” I gave a momentary shadow of a grin before finally resuming a proper stoney scowl. “Still… you approve of that, but not this?”

“Oh, Tartarus, no!” Dad’s laugh grew only louder. “I fully admit I was an idiot there; you have way more reason to do this.”

“I’m sensing a but coming.” I stopped at the edge of the school field, waiting for him to finish.

“But—” Dad nodded in acknowledgement. “—your mother and I can feel the solfire burning through your blood right now, champ. You aren’t usually one to act on emotion; we don’t want you doing something you’ll regret.”

“Well, I’m gonna regret it more if I don’t do this.” Nopony was around; I was free to turn and hug him without breaking the intimidation factor. “But thanks.”

I led us across the yard and up the steps, sauntering into the school like I owned it. Everypony in the hall was right to pause as I entered, and they were even more right to swear under their breath when my Dad entered behind me, rumors going wild as we headed for the office. The third period bell rang as we went, and like a spooked herd our audience bolted for class. I continued on my way, however, and I clanged right up to the office in full battle rattle to calmly push open the door.

The secretaries blinked at me as I walked up to Principal Princeps’ office and barged in. For his part, the principal’s bluster died in his throat as I walked up with a stoney scowl to lay the finalized papers on his desk.

“I am reserving the hoofball field for tomorrow, Mr. Princeps.” Leaving Dad to take the response and run interference for what was coming next, I reached out to take the master microphone for the intercom system.

One last deep breath was all I allowed myself before flicking the intercom on and tapping the mic to get the attention of the entire school. “Oi. Listen up everypony, because I’ve got a few things to say, and I’m only gonna say them once.”

My ears perked at confused mutterings from the secretaries outside, and Dad’s quiet conversation with the principal suddenly turned much more silent and much more intense. Somewhere, I swore I could hear Abacus Finch’s switch snap hard enough to break in two, and I knew I was on the clock.

“Pretty much everypony in school should know the name Nightingale Mooncrest. I’d even like to think most of you remember me for more than a couple crummy sports games. That said, a few of you apparently need a reminder of what I actually stand for, so I’m here to clear up both that and some of the more recent rumors around me.

“You see, contrary to what the grapevine says right now, I was neither overpowered nor shoved into my locker, I was merely tricked. I got a little overconfident; it coulda happened to anypony, and if you don’t believe me, well, I’m about to offer you proof.

“My honor and the honor of my mate has been besmirched, and there is only one proper way to respond to such a crime in thestral culture. I, Nightingale Mooncrest, do hereby declare Schattenkrieg on those who attacked me and my friends.”

I couldn’t help but grin as the main office burst into scrambling at that. “For those who don’t know, Schattenkrieg is a traditional form of thestral ritual combat used to settle our differences. It is an old tradition. Very old. So old that if I wanted, I’d technically be free to ask for a duel to the death and get away with bloody murder.”

The scrabbling intensified, and there was banging on the door, but Dad just casually leaned on it and muffled the noise with his shadow.

“Thankfully, you all don’t need to worry about that yet.” I let that hang over the school for a moment before continuing with a wry chuckle. “So to those who attacked me and my friends, do not test my patience any further, and I promise not to escalate things; to those who wish for proof that I indeed still have the clout to keep the school bully-free, I will be showing up at the hoofball field tomorrow after school. You can watch me in action yourselves. And if nopony shows up to face me? Well, you’ll have proof my assailant is simply a coward and prankster too afraid to even face me in the light of day.”

Clicking the intercom off, I nodded to Dad and he eased his grip on the principal. For his part, Principal Princeps merely gaped at me, and so after another moment or two, Dad rolled his eyes.

“A bit too much edge, don’t you think?” He arched his brow.

“I’m doing what needs to be done,” I growled.

“Oh? Last I checked you didn’t need to—”

“Nightingale Mooncrest, open that door this instant!” Even reinforced by Dad’s shadow, the door buckled as Abacus Finch bucked it right off the hinges. It still stood in the shadow’s grasp, but there was little point in holding it further, so Dad sighed and gently set it and himself to the side so the Head of Discipline could enter.

The temperature dropped more than a few degrees as she entered silently, eyes blazing as they sucked all heat from the room. Half a broken switch was held in her lashing tail, yet she restrained herself with the door no longer shielding me. Her tail didn’t whipcrack; her hooves barely clicked; she simply stared with raw, unfiltered fury, and I glared right back, waiting for her to say something.

“What happened to leaving it to the proper authorities?” She pulled out a little, black book with big, reflective lettering in the title, and I had to exert a monumental amount of will not to wince as she opened it to write my name down on The List.

“Ma’am, say what you want, but I am the authority now.” My face was stone as glacier ground against mountain. “I stayed up all night to fill out the paperwork and send it out to the right ponies; you can give me detention for barging in and stealing the intercom, but you can’t stop the fight. Old as it is, the law is on my side here.”

Her glare swerved to Principal Princeps. “You aren’t seriously going to stand there and say nothing, are you?”

“O-o-oh, r-right…” Pulling at his tie, he gulped. “Well, I regret to inform you that you can’t just take the hoofball field, Night.”

“I have two backup locations—one at Princess Twilight’s castle, and the other in the bucking Everfree at the Castle of the Two Sisters.” I bared my fangs. “Would you prefer either of those?”

“You wouldn’t,” Abacus hissed.

“She did,” Dad sighed. “I’m the named judge and officiator. Trust me… she covered all her bases.”

“And you didn’t stop her?” She tsked. “Just what kind of father are you?”

I growled but stayed my ground upon feeling Dad reach through his shadow to mine to hold me back.

“Oh, trust me, Ms. Finch. Neither Morning nor I approve in the slightest, but she is right that the law is on her side. It’s a little murky since she’s challenging day dwellers—they aren’t obligated to respond or even acknowledge the challenge—but I can’t stop her from issuing it, and she knows that.”

Abacus narrowed her gaze until it was so focused with her ire she could have shot lasers. “She is going to regret this.”

“Oh, I know,” Dad chuckled wryly, looking down. “You think we didn’t try to talk her out of it?”

“I am doing this.” I stomped forward. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Three months detention and a month of suspension, then.” Abacus tutted, tail finally lashing hard enough to whip crack. “See if I ever do you the kindness of leniency again, Miss Nightingale. I always figured you to be cut from a different cloth, but clearly you’re just as bad as the rest of the school’s ruffians.”

Turning, she trotted out of the office, and I felt very small next to Dad as she did so. Looking up at him, I tilted my head, ear flicking, and his smile did little to reassure me.

This was the right path; it had to be.

Author's Note:

This is why you don't piss off a thestral folks. That said, the edge here is beyond real so... bets on how things go?

Also, worth a mention. Some fan made a group for Batty. IDK if it's a hundred percent necessary unless I start chugging out side one shots and get to Estee levels of stories, but it's there if folks wanna join, discuss and the like.

Here's the link.