A Mlp fan whos new to fanfiction!
The CMC are trying to escape the romance of hearts and hooves day. Unaware a certain princess is looking to do the same. After a night in the old castle, Princess Luna is found by the CMC crying. She then reveals to the fillies a stallion of her past, from before her transformation into nightmare moon and what led to his untimely death.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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To the author - Hi and welcome to fimfiction:)
i'd like to point out a few errors with chapter one sweetie belle's name should be spaced out. in chapter two it's '' 'Where' celestia lays '' not their.
also put an AU tag.
p.s: I don't know if your story's gonna be a short or long drawn out one?
luna does talk to the cmc about her long lost love please don't fall into the trap of making him being OP (over powered) or a gary stu. so ya don't get any dislikes from readers who tear you or fic apart!
this story has intrigue me & can't wait for more.
9875408
Thank you for the advice and this will be a long drawn out story! As for being overpowered he will be strong but not stronger than everyone. Also a big part of his character will be flaws because in my opinion a perfect pony is boring lol. I'm glad to have intrigued you and i looked forward to more of your feedback.
-Light Shield
9875426
thanks for the info about your story being ''a long drawn out'' tale!
on your male oc - okay that's good to hear:)
p.s: oh i wouldn't mind a dream sequence then jump back with that last bit in chapter one with cmc finding luna in the castle of the two sisters (i'm doing that for my own stories) but they're gonna take a long while cause my laptop having issues. so if i don't read your fic while it's getting updated or respond for long periods of time...that's why. just thought you should know in advance;)
one last thing check your spelling when writing in replies too it's ''look'' not looked! i hate to be the grammar police.
9878999
Okay, cool and i feel your pain with laptop problems. Also no worries about grammar policing lol. Sometimes i type to fast and make mistakes that i don't notice until later on.
To the author - very good chapter. only three errors in this one…
1. when says luna says to the cmc '' there's no need to 'fret' '' not threat.
2. scootaloo should have said '' you could've gone anywhere"
3. sweetie belle should've said to luna ''you're super pretty" over your pretty.
Please don't delete this comment! unlike the previous one, LOL
9884938
Thanks and my apologies i tried to respond to the previous comment, but deleted it by mistake lol. Also sure we can talk more
To be honest, I think that showing Luna struggling with Hearts and Hooves Day and then finding romance is a really nice idea. However, I’ll be brutally honest with you, the story needs serious work. There’s a lot of typos and grammar errors, as well as missing punctuation and some odd formatting, plus the story’s pace is a bit too fast. The pacing can be fixed by you slowing down and describing a bit more, the rest relies mostly on you, your editor or some program such as Grammarly.
A lot of the issues present in this chapter rely on a few simple rules that you can learn and apply yourself to instantly make your writing much better. For example, always make sure that all names, titles, and other proper nouns are capitalised—in other words, it’s Sweetie Belle, Sweet Apple Acres, Scoots, Everfree Forest, and so on. Furthermore, given you use simple unbroken dialogue lines, keep in mind that the line should always start with a capital letter and has to end with some punctuation mark, and so does the sentence preceding it. So, for example, this part
should look like this:
Also, keep in mind that whenever a different character starts speaking, you have to start a new paragraph—in other words, you cannot have Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo talking within the same paragraph, you have to split that. Lastly, always make sure that there’s a space between your paragraphs so that they are not bunched up like at the beginning and end of this chapter.
And that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. I know that it was a lot of information in quick succession, so let me know if anything was unclear or if you have some additional questions
PS:
This made me laugh.
10532732
Thanks for the advice I'll take it into a count next time I write. Plus your Guides are helpful.
Also I'm really glad I made you laugh
10532813
You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help