A Moon's secret

by LightShieldtheunicorn

Chapter 1 hearts and hooves day escape

Apple Bloom is walking around sweet apple acers looking up at the sky. The sky is baby blue with only a few clouds perfect weather for Hearts and Hooves day. Apple bloom decide to stay home while Applejack, Granny smith, and Big Macintosh went into town. Sweetie belle and Scootaloo were supposed to be there already but apple bloom figured they’d be late considering the whole town was out and about with ponies going on dates and buying gifts. Apple bloom was correct in her assumption considering the two were almost to sweet apple acers but had to stop and wait for sever ponies to get out of the way. Scootaloo looks at all the ponies in front of her and sweetie belle. “this sucks we are barely getting any were” she sinks down on the floor upset.
Sweet belle looks at her “awe its not that bad, and besides my sister says its worth it if loves involved. Scootaloo stands up gagging at what sweetie belle had just said.
“yuck” scootaloo said without noticing the ponies finally moving out of the way.

Sweetie belle chuckles and run forward “last on there is a rotten egg” Scootaloo looks at the filly running ahead “hey that’s not fair for you “she takes off chasing sweetie bell. As the two race they run pass twilight knocking her into flash sentry who is standing right beside her the two blushes as they pull apart. Sweetie belle takes the lead as scoots follows her. But as they pass under sweet apple acres sign Scootaloo pulls ahead winning. Scootaloo jumps happily as sweetie belle almost collapses on the ground from exhaustion. Apple bloom runs up to them “hey, girls”

The two responded “hi applebloom” though sweetie belles response is almost completely covered by scootaloo’s voice.

Appleblooms helps Sweetie belle up “I’m glad you girls could make it. Applejack, Grannie Smith, and big Mac are always so busy today”

Sweetie belle gets up with the help of applebloom “yeah, rarity is to when she’s not completing last minute orders, she is spending the day with spike.”

Scootaloo sighs “yeah Rainbow dash has no time today, she went with Soarin to clouds dale and she won’t be back until tomorrow.” She pauses and looks down. “why do we have this stupid holiday anyways it’s just an excuse for ponies to make out in public.”

Applebloom and Sweetie belle nods in agreement. Applebloom gets an idea and jumps forward “Girls lets go on an adventure to the castle of the two pony sisters”

Scootaloo looks at her confused “why should we go there?”

Sweetie belle nods “yeah its all dusty and worn down”

Applebloom sighs “its so we can get away from all the kissing and romance of this holiday”

Scootaloo smile “sound good to me”

Sweetie belle reluctantly agrees with her.

The three set off towards the everfree forest, where the castle of the two ponies sister sets. The three fillies run happily with each other playing tag along the ways as they approach the castle, they hear something. “Crying?” Scootaloo asked the other two
Sweetie belle nods “yeah, I hear it to”

Applebloom nods in agreement as the three walks across the bridge they see the source of the crying. Applebloom and Sweetie belle stay quiet staring with there mouths drooping open from shock.
Scootaloo breaks the slience “Princess Luna?”

Author's Note:

My first attempt at a story I'll be posting the second chapter really soon. Please don't dislike if you only hate the Luna shipping.

Comments

[EverfreePony]

To be honest, I think that showing Luna struggling with Hearts and Hooves Day and then finding romance is a really nice idea. However, I’ll be brutally honest with you, the story needs serious work. There’s a lot of typos and grammar errors, as well as missing punctuation and some odd formatting, plus the story’s pace is a bit too fast. The pacing can be fixed by you slowing down and describing a bit more, the rest relies mostly on you, your editor or some program such as Grammarly.

A lot of the issues present in this chapter rely on a few simple rules that you can learn and apply yourself to instantly make your writing much better. For example, always make sure that all names, titles, and other proper nouns are capitalised—in other words, it’s Sweetie Belle, Sweet Apple Acres, Scoots, Everfree Forest, and so on. Furthermore, given you use simple unbroken dialogue lines, keep in mind that the line should always start with a capital letter and has to end with some punctuation mark, and so does the sentence preceding it. So, for example, this part

Sweetie belle nods “yeah its all dusty and worn down”

should look like this:

Sweetie Belle nods. “Yeah, it’s all dusty and worn down.”

Also, keep in mind that whenever a different character starts speaking, you have to start a new paragraph—in other words, you cannot have Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo talking within the same paragraph, you have to split that. Lastly, always make sure that there’s a space between your paragraphs so that they are not bunched up like at the beginning and end of this chapter.

And that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. I know that it was a lot of information in quick succession, so let me know if anything was unclear or if you have some additional questions

PS:

“why do we have this stupid holiday anyways it’s just an excuse for ponies to make out in public.”

This made me laugh.