Proximity

by paperhearts

What You Wish You Could Say

"You're being distant."

Ocellus didn't mean for the words to spill out like a challenge, but the growing pressure from carrying them around in her head all day had made anything more polite a luxury. She became a rigid line, afraid of showing the slightest trace of anxiety. Anxiety in others reassured Smolder, and Ocellus didn't want her girlfriend feeling reassured at a moment like this.

"I'm not being 'distant'." Smolder didn't look up, choosing instead to frown at the pot bubbling in front of her. Echoes of the campfire danced across her scales as she stirred, fighting with the afternoon light for dominion. The contest made Smolder into something ethereal, a creature without a permanent form, and after a moment of battling with her feelings Ocellus was forced to look away.

"This field trip is hard work, that's all," Smolder continued, taking out the ladle and setting it aside. "I'm beat, 'Cel, and it's hoarding season. I should have had at least two naps today already."

Ocellus tried to sigh, but it escaped as a whimpered hiss. She looked around the clearing where they had set up camp, watching the amber hues soak the world around her. The others would be back from their own duties soon, but until then it was just her and Smolder, and she needed to make the time count. The tents shifted in the breeze, puffing and relaxing within its grasp. They had it easy, she decided. By contrast it felt as though her insides were being ripped out and tossed about.

She held her position for as long as she could bear, her eyes fixed on the mossy ground, her entire being willing Smolder to bridge the silence with something reassuring. But that effort created a void inside of her that needed filling, and in the absence of reassurance doubt and fear crept in.

"You're not being honest with me," she murmured. "There's something's wrong, isn't there?"

There must have been something telling in her tone, because Smolder flinched as though she had been bitten. She looked up at Ocellus with eyes like cracked ice. Her mouth opened, and then closed again.

Ocellus stared at her, numb, trying to find some weakness in her girlfriend's posture she could latch onto. The words had felt like poison on her tongue, and a dizzy despair settled under her chitin as she waited for Smolder to respond.

Without warning, Smolder lashed her tail against the ground. "Nothing's wrong," she replied. Her eyes courted the flickering shadows as she hugged her knees close. "And we're great, if that's what you're worried about. I'm just... I need to..." She shook her head.

Ocellus felt something flutter within her chest. She yearned to close the distance between them, to take Smolder in her forelegs and let that contact make everything okay again, but fear held her back. "Just what? Need what? You've been acting strange with me all day, Smolder. You vanished before breakfast and you've barely said two words to me since. I had to switch duties with Yona just so I could cook camp dinner with you."

"Believe me, you did everyone a favour there."

"Smolder!"

Smolder's eyes narrowed, a sharp veneer draping itself across her frame. "'Cel, I've been a little bit quiet for, like, one day. You don't need to... You don't have to be so worried about us all the time."

"Well one of us has to be!" Ocellus swallowed, listening to the shrill echo of her voice fleeing the clearing. She took a breath, reaching a foreleg towards her girlfriend. "Sorry. I care about you, about us. And I know it's just one day, and I know what I'm like, but it's weird you being like this. I told you before that I didn't want us to go through problems alone. It feels like you're trying to."

Smolder held her gaze for a moment, her eyes hardening and softening in rapid sequence. Then her shoulders sagged. Thin wisps of smoke trailed from her mouth, a fleeting white flag that was quickly lost to the sky.

"Look, it's just... It's just something I have to do alone, okay?" She placed a hand on Ocellus' leg. "There's stuff in me I have to deal with. I'm not trying to make you feel bad."

Ocellus stared at the orange scales against the faded blue of her chitin, wishing that the contact would become something more. "Dragon stuff, or us stuff?"

"Eh? Oh." Smolder chewed her lip for a moment, then sat up straight. "Kinda both, I guess."

Ocellus felt her stomach twist itself into a knot. Something began to fill her—a warmth that was determined, but which masked a sickly afterglow. "Both? Um... Should I be—?"

"No." Smolder squeezed her foreleg. "Don't be stupid. Don't ever be that stupid." She looked at Ocellus, the irritation on her face fading away to be replaced by something else, something vulnerable and brittle.

Ocellus blinked as the warmth within her began to suddenly blossom, pushing itself into every nook and chink within her chitin. She inclined her head, her tongue probing the edges of her lips. It was like a dream had been made real inside of her, nourishing her body with its immense vitality despite being frightened of its own existence.

And it felt delicious. Ocellus could barely bite back a gasp as the warmth wrapped itself around her heart. She closed her eyes and leaned towards the source, craving more. She felt the anxiety of the sensation, the fragility of it. And as a beautiful sleepiness overcame her, Ocellus felt the love.

Love!?

Her eyes snapped open. "S—Smolder...?"

Smolder had stiffened, her knuckles pale around the shaft of the ladle, her wings appearing as though they had been trapped mid-flap. The only concession to motion her girlfriend was making was the deep blush spreading across her cheeks. Her eyes shone like the setting sun.

"Oh damn, y—you felt that? Oh damn!" She backed away as though Ocellus had turned into an tatzlwurm. "Look, I didn't... I'm not..." She shook her head fiercely, her face turning crimson.

Ocellus felt pinpricks of heat beneath her chitin. "Smolder, I didn't mean to, it just—"

"No, wait... Gimme a minute. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Urgh, what am I even doing?" Smolder shook her head, scrubbing a hand across her eyes. Dew-like beads dribbled down her scales to her clawtips, and for the first time since Ocellus had known her, Smolder looked genuinely terrified.

"You... You weren't supposed to know, not yet." Smolder's chest heaved. "I'm not even... I need..."

A shudder ran the length of her body, and then with an awful look in her eyes Smolder pumped her wings and soared into the sky.

Ocellus didn't know how long she remained staring at the point where her girlfriend had vanished. But when the voices of her friends and the smell of burning stew came into focus, she realised it had been too long, and what that probably meant.

Author's Note:

Happy endings are for fools.

I'm pretty sure that's a joke.

Ugh, this chapter, this bloody chapter. I've had a weekend of being the worst mess, and predictably enough it permeated the creative side of me. There's about twenty discarded versions of this, and I'm not even fond of the execution in the final product. I'm posting it though, because I'm just not able to be critically reflective enough at the moment to be able to tell whether the issue is with the chapter or my head. It's probably both.

Anyway, enjoy, I hope. I've got two more planned chapters, and then, I dunno, I might throw a few idea or request slots out. Or just complete the story. Man, I'm rambling. Just gonna retreat back into my duvet I think.

Comments

[RainbowDoubleDash]

Good times are meaningless without bad ones; pain is the best teacher there is. Other platitudes like that.

So I'm guessing that Ocellus was aware of Smolder's affection and desire for her, but tonight was the first night that she actually tasted love from her. I do feel bad for Smolder about having her moment ruined, but really, I'm not sure how she planned to ever really keep her feelings a secret from a changeling of all things.

Also I'mma consume this deliciousness and use it to fuel my own Smolder/Ocellus story that I've started. I'll feast on the fuel as I feed on the feelings.

Wait did I just paraphrase Pennywise? That's probably not good. Shutting up now.

[semillon]

I think that you're being too hard on yourself! There are a few parts that could be reworked, the set-up felt a little awkward at times, but the idea comes across in the end.

The second half of this chapter is the strongest. Ocellus feeling love from Smolder for the first time was well executed. I viscerally felt that sudden revelation in Ocellus's thoughts.

All in all, I did enjoy, and when you come out of that duvet I hope you feel better enough to write more.

[paperhearts]

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Thank you for the comments, folks, and for continuing to read this thing. Very much appreciated. It was never supposed to be competing much on the quality side of things - all of these chapters have been pretty much written and edited in a couple of hours on the day they post. But this was a particularly sucky chapter and it's left me feeling a bit ambivalent as to whether it's the best way of telling the story of these two - or at least the story I wanted to tell. I'll be wrapping it up over the next couple of chapters and will reflect on how to take things forward from there.

And yes, RDD, Smolder was probably being a bit naïve there in thinking such things would stay hidden for long. Such is life and love, I guess. Enjoy the, uh, deliciousness!

[Kkat]

I know how difficult it can be writing scenes like this -- trying to strike all the right notes, to make it feel genuine and impactful. I've been there with a dozen discarded versions of a conversation littered about as I try to forge the perfect one. Sometimes I feel that I finally do. More often, I don't and just go with the best I manage.

In this case, the best you managed was pretty poignant. This is a good chapter.