So why does she keep acting like one?
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- Member Since 30th Oct, 2011
- offline last seen Jul 25th, 2022
Bomber
"Anything worth dying for... is certainly worth living for."
Bomber
Joined 30th Oct, 2011 ·
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loved the story keep it up
What is this, I don't even...actually, it was quite funny. Maybe next you should have Sweetish Bell acting like a cat.
Wow, that's hilarious. First she's a chicken, now she's a dog. Lol.
*cough* Only male dogs have to lift their hind leg up when they need to water the lillies.
...
Don't mind me.
Love it!
That was impressive on Scootaloo's part.
Poor book dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Mr_Cake.png
The chicken joke? Really?
Oh how original. It's only been done THIS many times.
It was funny the very, very, VERY first time it was ever mentioned. But now, I can't stand it. It's basically got "arrow in the knee" status, as in it got really old, really fast.
Well played.
WELL PLAYED INDEED.
some how i knew this was all some kind of joke from scootaloo, dont know why i saw it coming xD.
btw i am with
1086490
only male dogs raise his leg to pee
Hello! I'm here to help. I like this story, and want to make it even better.
I am currently trapped in a tiny room with an orangutan that is threatening to slap me if I try to leave through the only door. There is nothing else in this room except a laptop with the internet browser locked on this one, single webpage. Therefore I have absolutely nothing better to do than carefully look through your story, trying to pick out as many mistakes as I possibly can because I am so ridiculously bored.
I don't mean any offense by pointing out your errors. I am only trying to help, so I apologize in advance if you find this insulting or demeaning in any way. I also would not mind at all if you choose to completely ignore this comment, so feel free to not change anything.
Now, here I go with the list.
"It’s the only
wewe’re gonna stop her"I believe that should be "It's the only way we're gonna stop her"
Sweetie Bell says, "You know I’m not old enough to do magic," and this, in my opinion, makes it seem like she is completely incapable of performing magic.
Then, a couple paragraphs later it is explained that "She knew a few spells, but was far from even getting a single one close to perfection," which seems to contradict what Sweetie said.
"to let them know what you’ve three done."
That means, "to let them know what you have three done," which doesn't make any sense.
I think it's supposed to be "to let them know what you three have done."
"We’re real sorry ‘bout yer taxi!"
The apostrophe in to indicate the missing "a" in "about" is facing the wrong way.
"though crusaders didn’t mind"
should be, "though the crusaders didn't mind"
"They’ve caused so many incidents around Ponyville"
The tense indicated by "They've" or "They have" doesn't match with the rest of the story.
It probably should be "They'd" or "They had"
"glaring her pearly-white teeth at Opal in attempt to scare her"
I think it should be "glaring her pearly-white teeth at Opal in an attempt to scare her"
"The battle was over before it even had begun"
IMO, sounds better as "The battle was over before it had even begun"
"but she didn’t cry or didn’t even shout 'ouch'"
There are two different options here.
You could go with "but she didn't cry and didn't even shout 'ouch'"
or "but she didn't even cry or shout 'ouch'"
there are also a few more variations, but using "or" indicates two different actions, and when you use "didn't" on both actions it makes them, grammatically, kind of the same action.
"This was oddly unlike her sister, as she was always the one to make sure her she looked at her absolute best at all times, even when she was alone."
The way you say "she was THE ONE to make she looked at her absolute best" seems to me like it implies that she is the only pony in all of existence who does such a thing.
I think it's better if you drop the "the"
"She quietly cantered over to her sister, making sure that her hooves barely made any noise as they touched the ground."
A canter is a relatively fast movement, between trotting and galloping. It you're going to emphasize the fact that she was trying to be very, very quiet, you should probably have Sweetie Bell move with a more careful pace. You could just say "walked" because that is the technical term used to describe a pony's normal, slow rate of movement.
"'Sweetie Belle!' Applebloom said, breaking Sweetie’s train of thought. 'Yer sister’s still asleep.'"
'She’s not?'
I'm having trouble understanding why Sweetie Bell would reply this way. Did you mean to have her ask, "She's not awake?" or something like that?
“'And how do ya plan goin’ on about that?'”
"goin' on" about something usually means that you won't stop talking about it. Since they're trying to perform a certain action, it would work better as "And how do ya plan on goin' about doing that?" or something like that.
“'What I was trying to say, is that we might be to—'”
Now this could very well be a mistake since I can't be absolutely sure where she was going with her sentence. But I can guess that she was about to suggest something that they'd be able to do, so it would work better as "What I was trying to say, is that we might be able to--"
"She rolled up one of Rarity’s fashion magazines (that she knew her sister adored) and placed into her mouth"
Should that be "and place it into her mouth"?
“Now why would she wanna see Fancy Pants’ bedroom?”
Should be "Fancy Pants's"
"Sweetie Belle begged; grasping onto Twilight’s left foreleg."
That is not a place for a semicolon. Semicolons separate two independent clauses. "grasping onto Twilight's left foreleg." is not an independent clause, it's a phrase.
That semicolon should be replaced by a comma.
"I’ll just have to find time to plan my costume for Nightmare Night at later date"
I think it should be "at a later date"
"the Princess’ visit to Ponyville next week"
Same problem you had with Fancy Pants. It should be "the Princess's visit"
And that is all! I'm really sorry if you think I'm being mean or insulting your writing ability. Truth be told, there are a lot, and I mean a LOT, of stories out there with grammar worse than yours. In fact, I wouldn't say that your grammar is bad at all, you're probably even above average. Heck, I know you had less mistakes than anything I've ever written.
Anyway, no offense, there's just not much else for me to do in my current situation. I hope I helped.
1086928 Oh God, how did I make that many mistakes? In no way am I offended by you correcting my grammar. Why should I be? I'm actually happy that you took time out of your life to find all these mistakes.
Thanks for the help!
Hmm, not the strongest ending, but most of it was pretty amusing. Scoota-chicken jokes can be funny sometimes, but I'm not sure Scootaloo herself would go along with the idea. I realize, though, that there's also a joke in there about how she seems to think acting is nothing but pretending to be random animals, so that part works at least. I suppose, however, considering her last act as a dog especially, she wasn't all that concerned about her dignity, so maybe she'd be okay with the chicken thing. I was kind of expecting it to end with Twilight telling them they'd better get that mop from Spike and try being CMC janitors before they left, though.
Anyway, that's just the ending; the rest was funny. The end as it is isn't really that bad either, so I don't know why I went on for so long about it. Also, it's interesting that Twilight apparently doesn't care in the slightest that Spike was very obviously reading her diary. She just doesn't want anyone else to know what's in there.
1086411 Thanks! It is marked "complete" however, so there's not going to be anymore added.
1086437 I'm glad you liked it. I might do another story along the same lines, but who knows?
1086463 I'm pretty sure at this point, the Crusaders will try absolutely anything to get their Cutie Marks, even if it is something incredibly stupid or ridiculous.
1086521 People like you make me happy.
1086490 Getting a comment from you, even if it is one correcting my story, is awesome. I loved The Sweetest Gem by the way.
1086524 The book shall be forever mourned by every pony in Equestria.
1086538 I know it's been done over 9000 times, that's exactly why I put it in there regardless of the reaction. I knew some people would think, "Haha, that's funny!" or "Oh my god, are you serious?" That's the whole point of cliche jokes.
1086544
1086794 I don't own a dog and I never have. Everything that Scootaloo did was based from stuff I saw on TV or dogs at friend's/family's houses. So basically that means, that yeah, somethings are going to be off.
1087243 Again, like I said with another comment, I'm sure at this point, they will do anything to get their Cutie Marks. You've already seen them do stupid stuff in the show, and I'm sure it'll be the same in fanfiction. I guess that I could've let Applebloom and Sweetie Belle into it from the start, but I found more comedic value in it if they were completely clueless as to why Scootaloo was acting in this manner.
Weak ending? I couldn't agree with you more. I used a cliche and overused joke to end it, so yeah it's gonna be weak. Why did I write that down in the first place though? Because I found it funny.
1087373
Yes, the rest of the story is definitely funnier with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle not knowing why Scootaloo was acting that way, so all of that was fine. I was just thinking that the chicken joke is largely a fandom thing, and it annoyed her the one time it came up in the show, so I found it unlikely Scootaloo herself would suggest the idea. But eh, that's really just a minor quibble, since the story was pretty entertaining.
A superbly twisted little story - very Scoots!
1087373
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png
I was not expecting a response, none-the-less
Good think it wasn't Twi's favorite one
1087373
Why thank you.
This has been on my read later list for awhile, and I'm glad I finally read it.
LIKE
1122226 I'm glad you liked it. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
this was so Funny