• Member Since 8th Sep, 2019
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Lil Bear Sinclair


Take a deep breathe, it's a bad day not a bad life

T

It's been a year since the building of the bat sanctuary, the whole Flutterbat situation was defused, everything was all well and dandy, well that's what they thought.

WARNING: (Thought I'd mention these)
Mention of drugs
Characters inflict pain on themselves

Cover Picture: https://www.deviantart.com/gsphere/art/Reflection-425068088

(UNDER MAINTENANCE 25/11/19 )
(UNDER NEW MAINTENANCE 13/06/20)

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 27 )

That was a great story

I might recommend breaking up the paragraphs a bit more, as a lot of the story seems to be in large walls of text. There's also some inconsistencies here and there with past and present tenses and some formatting errors. I do like the amount of detail, though.

9843383
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! Much appreciated!

9846867
Thank you for the comment! I do have issues with my past and present tense that is the one thing I seem to struggle with! I'll take note to break up my paragraphs in chapter two and return to break up the ones in chapter one! Much appreciated that you took time in reading my story!

I'm looking forward to more my dear friend !

9847018
It's good to hear from you friend! I'm working on chapter two now! Should be finished in a few days!

This was just as good as the last chapter

This is getting real spicy!

9847735
Thank you for returning back! I hope I can keep you hooked! Much appreciated!

9848474
Thank you for the comment! I'm on the works of Chapter Three! (Which might take longer since I'm trying to have it run smoothly) I appreciate you taking the time to read my story!

The topic of the story interests me but I find the writing rather bumpy which kept me - for now at least - from reading further. It really needs some fixes and editing.

I tried with the first two of your paragraphs to give you suggestions. Sorry if it's quite heavily edited and I might offend you with it. Please try to consider it constructive criticism and examples for improvement instead of a more negative interpretation :)

It was a particularly cold breezy winter night. All of Ponyville had settled down with the evening and the streets were silent. It wasn’t a very quiet night at the cottage of a particular yellow and pink pegasus animal caretaker, however.

Her cottage currently served as a hospital for a number of animals as it was the middle of the flu season. Fluttershy was currently flying around her cottage, frantically to make sure that each and every animal got cared and catered for. She had been on her hooves all day and even now continued to fly back and forth between all the critters, making sure they were all satisfied - especially a very grumpy manticore who had a toothache.

All the frantic flying finally was enough for her bunny, Angel. He jumped behind Fluttershy, tugging on her tail as she tried attending the manticore outside of the building due to his large size.

“I’m sorry Angel Bunny. I will be with you as soon as I’m finished.”
She told him as she flew back inside towards the sofa, where a large bear laid.

Angel yet again followed her, still trying to get her attention. She landed next to the ursine and began doing the simple check-up.

Just as she was about to tug a blanket over him, Angel yet again pulled on her tail to communicate with her.
“I know I’ve been on my hooves all day, but I can’t stop. Definitely not during flu season.”
She smiled softly at Harry the bear and pulled up the blanket to keep him warm.
“Now you rest Harry… You’ll be back in tip-top shape in no time.”
Harry let her know she was appreciated with a smile.

Just one last animal to check up on, Fluttershy thought. This one was Rainbow Dash’s pet, Tank the Tortoise. She turned around and quickly zoomed towards the kitchen.

Just as she set off flying again, she felt a stabbing pain in her back, right where her wings connected to her body. This caused Fluttershy to let out a pained grunt, suddenly letting her crash into a nearby wall.

BANG!

It felt like a tree had just crashed into the house, knocking down pictures handing on the wall. One of them smashed onto Shy’s head, causing the protecting front glass to shatter. Many of the shards just covered the Pegasus, but some were embedded in her mane.
Angel rushed over towards his owner.

I do want to say that from what I read so far - the story itself - appears quite interesting and worth reading :)

9856014
Hiya! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! And Wowza! I fully appreciate going through some of the chapter one, I haven't had much time to try find an editor cause I've had some of my friends read it to try help me improve but I think they are afraid to point anything out (Even though I tell them that I want some help to improve !)

9856825
Thanks for the response.
It was actually kind of fun - even though a bit tedious, but good editing is like that - to edit it.

I know what you mean when it comes to finding an editor that does more than just some basic fixing. I had that happen to me, too. Wishing for someone to give suggestions to the story itself is even a step further (I could have used that, too).

What do you think of what I did to those two paragraphs? Do you like the changes? I'm certain there is quite some bleed-through and my own style of writing is in it, so I'm not sure if this is something you want.
I considered being an editor for you, but that depends on a few factors: I need to read all of what you published so far to see if I want to invest the time and effort. Then if that were the case we'd need to discuss how we want to go forward. I haven't been an editor to anyone but myself so I don't have much experience when it comes to working together. I don't know how others do it, which good ways there are and which would fit for us.

Getting real criticism can be hard at times. I've had it happen to me and while I've learned from it, it was at times quite a dampener on my spirit and drive to write. Not sure if you'd be ready for that.

9857441
While I do appreciate it, I'm gonna pass on the offer (If you were offering :) ) All I ask for is constructive criticism on my work and ways to improve on my writing! So I can improve on my own! :scootangel:

Im Enjoy this story a lot so far, it seems that things are about to get very interesting. Though, i'd like to point out that in chapter 4, the paragraph repeats when Shy bites into Fleets larynx. I have also spotted quite a few spelling errors, I gather them up as soon as I can. Keep up the good work.😊

9980018
Hey! Thank you so much for taking the time in reading my story! I did notice that I repeated that paragraph thanks for pointing that out! I'm sorry about the spelling errors I struggle with dyslexia so I'm so very sorry. I appreciate the comment! 😇

9980099
Oh, im sorry that I was inconsiderate about the fact that you may possibly struggle with dyslexia, but I understand why you made the errors. Though, if you'd like, I can still point them out.(Sorry if this seems wierd)

9983315
Hey! Don't worry about it, and you can do if you want, I was thinking that some of the mistakes might be because I spell them differently. Considering I'm from Europe but I don't know 😁

Treehugger is gonna die soon.

How are you enjoying it so far?!

Quite well. Going on my favorites, still a thumbs down. Can't remember why. Maybe I'll remember on a second read through.

Fluttershy shot up and turned to face Rarity, blood dripping as parts of his skin hung from his mouth, ” I can explain,”

Mmm!

I think the bits of skin are hanging from the wrong mouth

9995070
Thank you for that! I couldnt find it for the life of me

9995391
Oh that sucks that it's a thumbs down 😣 cant please everyone and thank you for giving it a read! I shall change the mistake now

I'm really enjoying this story so far. I love the escalating tension of the overall narrative as well as between Fluttershy and Rarity. I hope to see more of this, especially the latter, in upcoming chapters. Definitely in my favorites and waiting for the next one!

9995555
Thank you for taking the time to sit down and read my story! I really appreciate your decision to stick around for more, I hope I don't disappoint you! :raritystarry:

Comment posted by treegrowth deleted January 24th

I'm liking this so far! :pinkiesmile:

Ending of this chapter was dark... :twilightoops:

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