Oh? You're approaching my userpage? Instead of reading away, you're reading closer to me?
Sunset's nonchalant attitude about all the insane antics she gets up to with her friends has pushed her boyfriend to the breaking point.
Set just after the sing-off during Rainbow Rocks.
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My entry into Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest: Endings.
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Is there a contest going on? This is the second Sunset shipping story uploaded within the space of 15 minutes.
9833642 Yeah, check the link in the description of the story.
Also it's the last day to submit stories for it, so all the
lazy buggerslatecomers like me will be dropping them today.9833654
Cheers.
Get commented on.
This was... okay. It's an interesting idea, to be sure—but it feels underdeveloped here, particularly when going for the more dramatic ending as you are. One thousand words just isn't enough to build the kind of investment you need to pull this off. You also aren't doing yourself any favours with second person on that front. I'd also recommend working on your tell-y-ness in prose.
Still, I chuckled. Good luck in the judging.
9833686
Get replied to.
Thanks for your criticism and such. This story was super rushed, so next time I try doing a contest thing like this, I won't start writing it on the due date.
I laughed at this.
I think this is how a normal person might react to Sunset's crazy existence.
Only problem is that it is too short, and that I wish there had been more...buildup to this moment.
This got a few chuckles outta me :)
I got a smile out of this, but I feel bad for Sunset.
"Joe, there are literally dozens of videos of it on YouTube."
"I thought that was special effects!"
"And the ears and hair growth when the Rainbooms play?"
"Um... Wires?"
"Joe, have you been paying the slightest bit of attention to me when I tell you things, or were you just staring at my weird, engorged chest-teats?"
"... Have you always called them that?"
"Would you have believed a word of it?"
"Don't try to make yourself into the victim here, Sunset."
"You're right. It's not fair to mock someone so far up his own rear end that his spine is a spiral."
Yeah, I don't know what she sees in him. And honestly, if he can't accept you at your most bizarre, he doesn't deserve you when you're normal.
Best of luck in the judging!
The positioning of the dialogue tag here threw me off; I wasn't sure who I was reading.
The premise is silly, but intentionally so; I actually enjoy the idea of Pony Joe as a side-piece to Sunset, just completely oblivious to all the goings-on at CHS. Maybe even to Sunset's persona as Baddest of the Bad Girls.
I don't see how second-person helps the story at all, though. In fact, I think it hurts more than it helps. If this was "Anon in Not-Equestria," then... well, then it would have another set of issues, but at least second-person would be more justifiable. Pony Joe is an established character with a personality, though, so putting the reader in his shoes doesn't help.
I'd recommend changing the perspective to third person, and doing more to solidify Pony Joe as an actual character, rather than a vessel for the reader.
9836710
Yeah, I figured the second person wasn't as good as I thought it would be back when I wrote this. I already submitted, so I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to change it.
I promised a comment, and here I am!
The second person threw me off, I'll say that (this is like the only fandom where I've seen so much second person, and it's never quite worked). The premise is good, and having a straight man interacting with the craziness of EQG has some good laughs.
Even so, it was a bit too over the top for my personal liking, although I think that was the point.
The breakup didn't have any emotional impact, but I'm not sure if it was supposed to. Probably would have been better to go full out and ham it up!
Either way, fun read!
What? It just ends. like that. Why does this even have a romance tag when nothing about it is romantic.
I enjoyed the story but this feels like a prequel to another story.