• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2018
  • offline last seen Oct 19th, 2021

Bittercup


Dancing Alone In The Pale Moonlight. 🌒

T
Source

The break-up of Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle.

Told through the eyes of thier fading Inner Demons.

One willing to change and experience the world.

The other seeking the darkness of routine to fade into.

Growing up, never promised staying together.


Submission For Oroboro's Sunset Shipping Contest Endings.

Please Feel Free To Leave A Comment.

I Disable Ratings, Because I Feel A Story Should Be About The Experience, Not Gratification.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

Cool concept with the two inner 'demons' and how it mirrored what was happening between the girls.
The descriptions and general writing were distracting in how repetitive they were, and an editor would help a lot to smooth things out, but the idea is solid.
I also liked the descriptions of Sunset's demon through Midnight's eyes, that was well thought.

9833582
Thank you for the comment, it means allot.

I'm happy you enjoyed the premise.

I'm still relatively new to writing, but will certainly look into an editor.

I had lots of fun coming up with a story told through an abstract manner.

Happy to hear it came off solid.

Again thank you for both your thoughts and criticism, much appreciated.

A wonderful piece. Thank you for sharing.

Tragic and intriguingly symbolic, but stilted in its delivery. The dialogue felt halfway to poetry or song lyrics... but halfway to that sort of thing ends up with a mess of weird cadence, oddly phrased dialogue, and disruptive description. Still, a good effort. Do some more reading to get a better sense of how to make the words flow and you'll be well on your way to greatness. Especially if you try saying your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds natural. (That also gives you some guidance when it comes to comma placement. Protip. :raritywink:)

Definitely agree with 9835919. To that, I wanna add that having the two "demonic" versions of Sunset and Twilight talk in florid prose might be more justifiable if the characters themselves spoke a little more realistically, and if the narration surrounding them was more grounded.

Create a contrast between the fantastical and the mundane.

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