• Published 26th Jan 2020
  • 828 Views, 52 Comments

The Apples On The Hill - redandready45



Arlen's top propane salesman ends up in Equestria. He does not approve.

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These Ponies Ain't Right

"Uh," Hank said, confused and perplexed by the creature staring down at him, "Who are you?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie!", the pink horse said, in a voice that sounded like a cheerful squeaky toy.

"Uh, Hank," the human-turned-horse said.

"Well Hank, welcome to Ponyville," Pinkie Pie said. Somehow, confetti burst from behind her. "The bestest, coolest, and most super-duper town in all of Equestria!" Hank was pulled out of his concern when he heard the name of the town.

"Ponyville," Hank mused. "What kind of name is that?"

"When Applejack found you I was all sad," Pinkie Pie said. "Because you were hurt. Because when ponies are hurt, they can't have fun or go to parties, and if they can't go to parties that makes me sad. But then I was all happy again. You know why? Because it means once you got better, I could throw you a got-better party." She paused, putting her hoof under her chin. "But then how could I throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party? I guess I'll have to throw you two parties. And it means I'll have to bake two cakes. But what if you prefer pie? I love pie after all. My name is 'Pinkie Pie'. Maybe-"

"Oh god," Hank thought miserably,"she's got Boomhauer's mouth, but Luanne's brain." He stuck his hooves into his ears and turned away from the pink creature, trying to block out the noise. After a few moments of silence, Hank pulled his hooves out of his ears, only to hear Pinkie was still rambling.

"-blueberry was always my favorite. But chocolate was also my favorite. But then I said 'oatmeal, are you crazy'?"

"Pinkie," Hank muttered. Pinkie's rambling ceased, but her smile never wavered. "Look, you seem like a...passionate young lady. But I need to rest. Doctor's orders," Hank said, his eyes darting back and forth. "Can you please come back tomorrow?"

"Why would you need to rest?" Pinkie Pie said. She then crawled into the bed, to Hank's discomfort. "We can have a party together right now. Just the two of us."

"What do you mean..." Hank said, feeling his heart beat, and a blush forming on his cheeks.

"We can be really special friends you and I," Pinkie said cheerfully, before pulling Hank into a hug. Hank's panic rose. "Me and you, sitting-,"

"BWAAH," Hank said, pulling away from Pinkie's hug. "Let go of me. I'm married!"

"I thought you were Hank," Pinkie Pie said, tilting her head in confusion.

"Get away from me!" Hank almost bellowed. "I don't go for those....kinds of relationships."

"You don't want to be bestest, estest, friends? But I really want a two-pony party," Pinkie Pie complained. "With balloons, and cake, and-," In frustration, Hank kicked Pinkie Pie out of the bed. To his shock, Pinkie Pie went flying through the air and crash into a wall, living a Pinkie-sized indent in the wall.

"Pinkie," Hank said with concern. He looked at his hooves and at the wall with utter shock.

"Either I gained the strength of an ox, or those vitamins are working better than advertised," Hank said nervously. "Pinkie," he repeated. Suddenly, the same pink horse jumped back into the building, looking no worse for the wear.

"Pinkie Pie, you're OK?" Hank asked cautiously.

"Why wouldn't I be OK?" Pinkie Pie asked happily.

"I launched you through a wall," Hank said in confusion.

"Don't worry Hank," Pinkie Pie said, as if completely unaware that she was shoved through a wall. "I was able to get you your party cake." It was at that point Hank noticed that Pinkie was carrying a cake in her hooves. It was a vanilla cake coated in white frosting with "Welcome Hank" written in brown icing.

"Wait, you baked me a cake?" Hank asked.

"Ever since my ear twitched, I knew there was going to be somepony who needed a party," Pinkie Pie said. Hank felt his headache returning.

"Getting answers from this nut just leads to new questions," Hank thought tiredly. "But why did you bake me a cake? You've only known me for one day."

"Cause everybody deserves to be happy and have friends," Pinkie Pie said. Hank was stunned by the words. They were said in that same happy-go-lucky tone. But underneath was a firmness and sincerity that showed she meant every word of it. Despite Pinkie's oddness, Hank felt touched.

"Well, thank you Pinkie," Hank said with honest sincerity. "But as I said, I am very tired right now. I'd be happy to have cake and party with you tomorrow."

"OK-dokie Hank," Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, taking the cake back. "I will see you tomorrow." She opened the door, and starting skipping out of the hospital. Hank shook his head with both annoyance and amusement.

"I wonder how many more characters I'm gonna meet tomorrow," Hank muttered as he rested.


The next morning, Hank saw Applejack coming toward him, along with Apple Bloom.

"First we're headed to school to drop off little Apple Bloom," Applejack said. Apple Bloom's hidden frown showed she wasn't really a fan of education, to Hank's amusement. "Then we'll go see mah friend Twilight. Then we'll head back to the farm, where we'll get you settled."

"Sounds fair," Hank said. The group of three began marching around town.

Hank was astonished at what he saw: a town of full of these colorful ponies. Some were walking, or trotting, around town. Some were running stands, hawking all kinds of produce. Hank looked up toward and sky and saw something that made his jaw drop.

Some blue pony thing with wings was pushing some of the clouds. He noticed its mane was all the colors of the rainbow.

"How is she doing that?" Hank asked Applejack as they trotted side by side.

"Doing what?" Applejack said.

"Pushing those clouds together," Hank said with amazement.

"Well she is a Pegasus," Applejack said, in an amused tone that sounded like she was stating an obvious scientific fact. "You're acting like you've never seen a Pegasus before."

"Uh well," Hank said, his darting back and forth as Applejack gave him an odd look, "I've never seen the job done so...well."

"That's because you never met me," a voice from above said. Hank craned his neck and saw that blue Pegasus hovering above him with a cocky grin. "Rainbow Dash, the fastest, coolest pony in town!" That pony certainly didn't lack confidence. The roll of Applejack and Apple Bloom's eyes showed that Rainbow Dash loved to boast about herself. Hank noticed she also had a tattoo on her flank, which was a Rainbow lightning bolt coming from a cloud.

"Hey Applejack," Rainbow said. "How's it hanging?"

"Good Rainbow," Applejack said.

"Hey Rainbow," Apple Bloom said.

"Hey Apple Bloom," Rainbow said. "So, whose the newbie?"

"His name is Hank Hill," Applejack said.

"Oh you're the pony who lost your family," Rainbow Dash, a touch of sympathy in her rough voice.

"Uh yeah...", Hank said in reluctant tone.

"Well don't worry," Rainbow Dash said. Instead of looking sympathetic, she sounded excited. "Just give me the location, and I'll find your family. Or my name isn't Rainbow Dash!" Before Hank could respond, Rainbow Dash flew away at lightning speed. Hank was too amazed to be annoyed at her arrogance.

"Rainbow Dash is full of hot air ain't she," Applejack said with a sly grin. Hank nodded in affirmative. "But she's a good friend, once you get to know her. She ain't the Element of Loyalty for nothin'." Hank wondered what that meant, but didn't voice it out loud.

"Hey Fluttershy," Applejack said. Hank noticed that they came up to a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane who was throwing some acorns at some squirrels. Hank noticed she had a tattoo of butterflies on her flank.

"Eat up, little ones," she said meekly. The squirrels showed their gratitude with their happy chitters. As soon as Hank approached her, however, the yellow pony flinched and tried to hide behind her mane.

"Uh, is she OK?" Hank said.

"Sorry, Fluttershy is the kind of pony who is afraid of her own shadow," Applejack said, "let alone a stranger." Applejack came up to Fluttershy and pushed her toward Hank. "Fluttershy, this is Hank Hill. Say hello."

"Howdy ma'am," she cheerfully, but to Hank's concern Fluttershy could barely even look him in the eye.

"Hi," Fluttershy said, still shaking.

"So, I saw you feeding the squirrels," Hank's said. "That is a mighty fine thing you did."

"I guess," Fluttershy said with a squeak.

"Fluttershy loves animals and loves taking care of them," Applejack said. "Don't you?" Hank noticed Fluttershy seemed far less meek when talking about animals and decided to play on that.

"Uh," Hank said, rubbing the back of his head, "I have a dog too." Fluttershy stared at him intently.

"Really?" Fluttershy said.

"Uh, maybe you could provide some tips," Hank said uneasily, barely noticing Applejack shaking her head in warning. Fluttershy let out the happiest shriek imaginable. Applejack ran her hoof on her face.

"I would love too," Fluttershy said. "If you want to keep a dog happy, make sure to rub its belly-,"


Fluttershy's advice continued all the way to Apple Bloom's school, where she was dropped off, and all the way to the giant oak tree, where Applejack's friend lived. To Hank, the whole thing was disconcerting.

"She acts quiet as a mouse, but talk about animals, and she acts like that Pinkie character," Hank thought to himself.

"OK Fluttershy," Applejack said politely but forcefully," Hank needs to talk with Twilight right now."

"Buy Hank," Fluttershy said in her meek voice. "And remember. Dog biscuits sprinkled in with her kibbles makes for an excellent meal."

"Sure," Hank said with some tiredness. To his confusion, Fluttershy trotted, unlike the other Pegasi who flew around.

"Anyways," Applejack said, "this way too-,"

"Applejack, Darling," a very haughty voice said. Hank turned around and saw some white unicorn approaching them. She had an elaborately styled purple mane, blue eyes, and diamonds on her flank.

"Hey Rarity," Applejack said.

"I just wanted to tell you the overalls will be finished by Friday," Rarity said. "I just need to put the finishing touches on them to make them as fabulous as can be."

"Rarity," Applejack said with some annoyance. "I'm gonna be wearing those in the mud. Not goin' to a ball."

"Whether at the ball or on the farm Darling," Rarity said proudly ,"one must always strive for perfection." Hank noticed that everything about this mare, from her tone to her appearance, to her love of fashion, screamed sophistication and good grooming.

"Oh I'm sorry good sir," Rarity said to Hank, "forgive me for not introducing myself. I am Rarity Belle."

"Hello ma'am, I'm Hank Hill," Hank said. "It is lovely to make your acquaintance."

"Are you trying to butter me up, good sir," Rarity asked playfully.

"No ma'am, I'm happily married," Hank said with a charming smile. "But I'd say if I wasn't, I would be the second luckiest...uh...stallion in the world if I could take you to a ball."

"Ooh, such a gentlestallion," Rarity said. "I insist you give me the chance to make you a lovely suit." Applejack rolled her eyes again.

"Uh that'd be kind of you ma'am but, I already got enough of those," Hank said.

"Oh please, I must simply do your colors," Rarity said in an almost desperate tone. As if Hank refusing her would be equivalent to murder.

"Well, no offense ma'am," Hank said, "but I'm not really interested in that frou-frou stuff." Rarity's face frowned at that. To Hank's shock, she looked ready to explode, but then composed herself with a glare from Applejack.

"Very well Darling, my boutique is always open if you want to change your mind," Rarity said with some forced politeness. "Toodaloo," she said, before trotting away.

"Well, your friends seem...interesting," Hank said in a polite tone. Applejack rolled her eyes, not trying to disagree.

"I know mah friends can seem out there," Applejack said. "But believe me. I wouldn't trade'em for the world. Anyways, lets go see Twilight," gesturing to the tree library with her hoof.

Hank timidly followed her in, wondering what new surprises would be thrown his way.

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