• Published 26th Jan 2020
  • 827 Views, 52 Comments

The Apples On The Hill - redandready45



Arlen's top propane salesman ends up in Equestria. He does not approve.

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That Patient Ain't Right

"Sir," the nurse said to a stammering Hank while holding up her hooves. "Panicking isn't gonna help-,"

"You're just a hallucination," Hank bellowed at the nurse as he backed away.

"What?", the nurse said in confusion.

"A dream. A hallucination. An acid trip from all them drugs you've probably shoved into my rectum when I wasn't looking!"

"Sir, you've clearly suffered a worse concussion than I thought," the nurse said with concerned eyes. "I am pleading with you to return to your bed."

"Alright," Hank said, nervous, but no longer panicking. "All I have to do is wake myself up. If I just knock myself out, I'll wake up from this crazy dream."

"Sir," the nurse said in a warning tone."I strongly recommend you get back in bed and refrain from making your concussion worse." Hank stopped panicking and looked at the nurse with an odd smile.

"Yes, of course ma'am," Hank said happily,"I will do just that," he said, climbing back into the bed.

"Good," the nurse said with a smile, happy that her advice was being heeded. "I'll just get you your lunch," she said trotting away from the tan stallion. The nurse went to the galley and was preparing a small salad for her patient when she heard a thump.

She trotted back to the ER room and saw Hank lying on the ground, rubbing his head and moaning.

"What happened now?" the nurse muttered with frustration.

"Uh," Hank said in a small daze. "I tried to wake myself by throwing myself off the bed, head first into the ground." The nurse's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "But uh..." Hank trailed off in frustration, "it didn't happen," Hank said, his face becoming miserable.

"Are we finished?" the nurse said with strained patience. "Have you gotten....whatever that was...out of your system?"

"Sure," Hank drawled in an expression of guarded panic.


Hank lied down in a fetal position, brooding over his circumstances for what felt like several hours. His salad, which was full of lettuce and flowers, laid uneaten on his nightstand.

"I didn't wake up, despite feeling pain," Hank mused in a quiet, scared expression. "Either I'm on something really strong, or I really did become some...horse thing and end up in some....horse place." Hank realized he was naked, and closed his rear legs with a blush. "Was it too much to ask for me to wake up with some dang clothes?" He looked up at the ceiling. "Lord, is this my punishment for not letting Bobby play with dolls? If I buy him some new toys, can I be let out of this madness?"

"Excuse me," the nurse said. Hank raised his head and saw the white-coated nurse approaching him. "You have visitors Mr.-I'm sorry, I haven't caught your name yet."

"Uh, Hill," the propane salesman said. "Hank Hill."

"Well Mr. Hill here are your visitors," Hank looked up and saw two more of these horse creatures approaching him with concerned smiles. One of them had an orange coat, a blond mane and tail tied up with a scrunchie, green eyes, a Stetson on its head, and some apple tattoos on its flank. The other one was much smaller, with a yellow coat, a red mane tied up with a red bow, and amber eyes. "These are the ponies that found you lying on the ground and brought you to the hospital. They stopped because they wanted to check up on you."

"Really," Hank said. He broke out of his self-pity, aware he ought to be grateful. "Well thanks for finding me and bringing me here ma'am," he said respectfully the orange pony.

"I wish I could take the credit," the orange pony said bashfully in a female country accent, "but it was my little sister Apple Bloom here who found ya'," the pony said, gesturing with her legs to the little yellow foal. "Name's Jacqueline Appleseed Smith, by the way. But you can call me Applejack if you want."

"Hank Hill," Hank replied, "but you can call me Hank." He turned to the shy little foal. "So, how did you find me, little one?"

"Well," the foal said, in a voice that made her sound like a 6 to 10 year old girl,"me and my friends were trying to get our cutie marks in finding mythical beasts." The orange pony rolled her eyes. "We were looking in the mud pits, when Scootaloo-my friend-heard a grunt." She let out a cute smile that warmed Hank's heart. "We thought we found a monster. My other friend, Sweetie Belle, jumped up and down because she was so excited. That's when we heard another grunt." She let out an embarrassed smile form on her face. "So we kept walking in circles for about...ten minutes trying find the strange noise, only to look down. We realized you were the creature, and we were walking all over you," the little filly said, turning to look at the floor in shame. Hank would normally feel annoyed, but this Apple Bloom was just too adorable to hate.

"Don't worry about it," Hank said in a reassuring tone. "The important thing is you got me here when you got me." Apple Bloom seemed less embarrassed.

"Say, what's your cutie mark supposed to be?" Apple Bloom asked in a curious tone. Hank's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"What?"

"Your cutie mark," Apple Bloom repeated pointing with her hoof to his rear end. "It looks likes some kind of...weird white bug or something." Hank looked to his rear end and saw he gained some strange tattoo on his flank that looked like a propane tank.

"I'd say it looks like kind of a...weird jug," Applejack said, also staring intently at his flank. "What is your special talent, Hank?"

"Well that there is a propane tank," Hank said proudly. "Mah... special talent is that I sell propane and propane accessories for a living." The two pony sisters looked at him in confusion.

"What's propane?" Applejack asked Hank.


"How long has he been locked in the bathroom for?" Apple Bloom said with concern, looking at the bathroom door and hearing the sound of showering and muttering.

"About 15 minutes," Applejack said tiredly.

In the bathroom, Hank had finished the longest cold shower of his life. He got out of the tub and looked harshly into the mirror, trembling from both the cold and the fear.

"No propane. No propane. No propane," he said with a revolted and terrified tone. "I really am in another world," Hank said into the mirror with deep terror as he took in his reflection, and his transformation, once more. "Peggy, Bobby, Luanne, Dale, Boomhauer, Bill, Nancy, mom, dad. Kahn," he said last one with less angst. "They're all gone." Hank took deep breaths he learned from his yoga courses to steady his nerves. "Come on Hank, relax. You're a salesman. Salesman adapt to any situation. You didn't always have propane in your life. You got through those terrible years. You can get through this." He took another deep breath and dried himself off with a white towel. "Man, these hooves are really flexible," he said, marveling at how his hooves worked almost like fingers as he dried off his coat.

When Hank emerged, he found himself face to face with Applejack.

"Mr. Hill, what's troubling you?" Applejack asked with a concerned voice.

"Nothing," Hank said.

"Mr. Hill, I may be a stranger to you, but don't think you can lie to me," Applejack said, her green eyes looking at him with both severity and understanding. "I can tell when a pony ain't well. If there's something troubling you, please let me know."

"Well," Hank said, looking away for a moment. "Um...I lost my son and wife," Hank said half-truthfully.

"You lost your son," Applejack said with both alarm and sympathy. "What happened?"

"Well, we were climbing this....wall," Hank said uneasily. "And then there was this mishap and I fell down and hit mah head. The next thing ah knew, I woke up in the hospital."

"Well don't you fret," Applejack said with an encouraging tone. "We'll do everything we can to find yer family."

"Oh, can I get my cutie mark in finding missing colts," Apple Bloom said opportunistically.

"Apple Bloom," Applejack said with a warning expression, "this is serious. You can't use a missing colt to find your mark. We need a professional. And I know just who to talk to." Applejack paused as she began thinking about something. "Do you mind staying here overnight?"

"Sure," Hank said. He then began rubbing the back of his head with his hoof. "But...ah I don't really have anywhere to stay."

"Well don't worry about ah thang sugarcube," Applejack said reassuringly. "We've got plenty of room for ya' over at Sweet Apple Acres."

"You're offering me a place to stay?" Hank asked hopefully.

"Yep. At Sweet Apple Acres we extend our hoof to anypony who needs help," Applejack said proudly, "no questions asked."

"Well thank you so much Ms. Applejack," Hank said with deep gratitude.

"Alright," the nurse pony said in a kind but firm expression, "visiting hours are over. Mr. Hill still needs to rest from his fall. He'll be released tomorrow."

"Well Hank, I'll see ya' tomorrow," Applejack said, turning to walk out of the hospital.

"Bae Mr. Hill," Apple Bloom said, joining her sister. Hank watched the two sisters leave, and fell into his bed with a relieved smile. Despite not being out of his predicament by a longshot, he at least had a roof over his head. He decided to relax and take a nap. He suddenly heard the noise of clopping hooves approaching him. When he opened his eyes, he found himself face to face with a smiling pink pony with blue eyes.

"Uh, hello," Hank said, feeling a chill go down his spine.

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