• Published 26th Jan 2020
  • 827 Views, 52 Comments

The Apples On The Hill - redandready45

Arlen's top propane salesman ends up in Equestria. He does not approve.

  • ...

That Boy Ain't Right

Author's Note:

This fic was inspired by a line from the (official) series finale of King of the Hill, in which Hank admonishes Bobby for calling others "weird" when Bobby thinks its acceptable playing with a bunch of unicorn dolls or "rancho unicorno," as he calls it.

"C'mon Hank!" Cotton Hill drawled, sitting in the shopping cart seat as Hank pushed it through aisle A8. "I needs mah leg goo. Ah've been needing it since my shins got blown off by a Japanman's gun!" Hank and Cotton were in the Megalo Mart shopping for household medications.

"Dad, we're also here for Peggy's medications," Hank said.

"Why are wasting our time on Hank's wife?!" Cotton bellowed. "She can't even cook wrong." Hank sighed. After obtaining the medications he needed, he walked by a toy rack.

"Look at that," Hank said happily. "They've got mitts and balls at half price. I think Bobby would love to play catch."

"You can't teach Bobby to catch," Cotton said with contempt. "You couldn't even catch a cold when you were a boy!"

"Dad, you threw them at my head," Hank said with a frown.

"Ah faced the Tojos, and you's afraid of a little ball," Cotton said with contempt. "The only thing you did decent was get Bobby through your narrow uretha!"

"Dad," Hank said in frustration. "Don't say that out-,"

"Everybody," Cotton said out loud, attracting the unwanted attention of everyone in the store. "Mah boy's got a narrow urethra! He can't get his tube moving! He can't-" Hank moved quickly through the store toward the checkout, wincing in embarrassment from the concerned looks everyone was giving him.

As Hank pulled into his house, he saw Bobby lying on the lawn.

"Hey Bobby," Hank said, getting out of the car and holding up a new mitt. "Guess what I-," Hank dropped his mitt when he saw what Bobby was doing.

"Sugar Plum", Bobby said while holding some pony toy with a yellow mane. "Don't face the Zangor the Nasty!"

"Zangor isn't a villain. He's really a good guy," Bobby said in a high-pitched voice while holding another doll with a purple mane and body. "All he needs is some love." He took the unicorn doll and put it up against a doll that looked like some scruffy looking wizard, while making a weird kissing noise.

"Bobby," Hank said in an exasperated tone. "What are you doing?!"

"The Unicorn Ranch needs to be rescued from the machinations of Zangor the Nasty," Bobby said. Hank cocked his head in frustration.

"Unicorn what?" Hank said with disbelief.

"Unicorn. Ranch," Bobby said slowly, as if Hank were some small child. "It's this new show about unicorns defending the Love Kingdom-,"

"Room. Now!", Hank uttered in frustration.

"But dad-,"

"Now!" Hank repeated with a glower. Bobby got up from the ground and stomped into the house, muttering angrily.

"I failed as a father," Cotton said angrily as he got out of the car. "I raised a sissy boy, and now he's raising a sissy grandson!" Cotton Hill began waddling away.

"Dad, where are you going?" Hank asked warily.

"To Gribble's house!" Cotton yelled. "I don't want to catch any of your sissy! This wouldn't have happened if Hank's wife just cooked and cleaned like a real woman!"

Hank frowned over Cotton's remarks. With frustration, Hank began taking those toys and putting them in the trash. Bobby watch the scene from his room with tears in his eyes. He placed a sole hand against the window.

"Goodbye sugar plum," Bobby said with a mournful, longing voice, "you were my favorite."




"I don't get Bobby," Hank said. He and his friends were at their usual drinking spot in front of the fence. "When I was his age, I always wanted to play baseball or basketball. I didn't play around with dolls." Hank said while watching Bobby and Joseph were in a mock sword battle on the other side of Rainey Street. To his chagrin, Bobby was losing.

"I didn't have toys. My daddy broke my toys in front of me," Bill said in a wistful tone. "He was a beautiful loving man, yes he was."

"Dangolkidsplayingwithdolls," Boomhauer muttered, "worldgoingcrazyIlltellyouwhat."

"If you want to blame someone Hank, blame the Chinese," Dale said with a cigarette in his mouth. "Their sweatshop made toys are part of a plot to replace our barbecue with their woks, ensuring a steady cash flow to the Communist Party and Mao Say-tung." The group rolled their eyes at Dale, long used to him spouting nonsense. To their frustration, they saw Kahn approaching.

"Hello Hank Hill and my hillbilly neighbors," Kahn said, looking directly at Hank with a nasty grin.

"Kahn," Hank said with a frown. "If this is a joke about Bobby playing with dolls, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"You think I wanted to make fun of you," Kahn said in a wounded tone. "I wanted to say hi to my good friend, Hank Hill. How is your cousin-I mean wife?"

"She's fine," Hank Hill said nonchalantly, long used to Kahn's stereotypical jokes.

"Good. Anyways, enjoy your day," Kahn said, walking back toward his house.

"Well, if you want to toughen Bobby up, you can try survivalist camp," Dale Gribble mused.

"Survivalist camp?" Hank asked Dale in a skeptical tone.

"Joseph and I go every year," Dale said. "It's how we prepare for the arrival of the Beast and his plan to bring civilization to its knees."

"Dale, Bobby and I don't need your conspiracy nonsense," Hank scolded.

"That nonsense is two weeks of surviving in the wilderness and participating in every kind of outdoor activity imaginable," Dale said with a proud grin. "From rock climbing to truffle hunting."

"Really?" Hank said in a curious tone. Dale handed Hank a brochure. "Wow," Hank said, "it's kind of like a resort, only everybody is wearing camouflage."

"Anyone who walks in there walks out a man. Of course if you don't believe me, I can give you a demonstration," Dale said, pulling an orange soda out of the cooler. "Hey Joseph!" Dale bellowed. Joseph turned to look toward Dale. "Catch," Dale bellowed, before tossing the can into the air. Joseph caught the can as if it was a baseball thrown into the air and took a triumphant sip.

"Exhibit A," Dale said with pride. Hank, feeling challenged, took a grape soda can out of the cooler. "Hey Bobby, catch," Hank said, before lobbing the soda.

"What?" Bobby uttered, only barely noticing the can coming toward him. Bobby put out his hands, but the can bounced of his nose.

"OW!" Bobby said dramatically, clutching his nose and falling to the ground. Joseph looked at Bobby with a mixture of concern and confusion. "I think my nose is a' bleeding". Hank shook his head in disappointment, while his friends looked at Bobby with unimpressed expressions.

A few seconds later, Kahn returned with a wide grin on his face.

"Also, if Bobby wants some of Connie tampons, he can always stop by," Kahn said nastily. Hank lunged toward Kahn angrily, but Kahn dodged him and ran him, cackling wildly.

Hank sighed and looked at the brochure and back at the still-writhing Bobby.

"Hank you can't send Bobby to this crazy camp," Peggy said with some frustration. The two sat at the dinner table debating Hank's idea. "Bobby can barely run laps. He can barely lift weights. Putting him in this camp to get into shape is like putting the cart before the horse."

"I'm not sending Bobby alone," Hank said with a reassuring smile. "Well be going together. It is a father and son thing. We'll be teaching each other how to survive in nature."

"Hank this isn't a camping trip," Peggy said with a frown, looking at the brochure. "It looks like your preparing him to march off to war. Are you trying to teach or son self-reliance, or are you just punishing Bobby for playing with dolls?"

"Um, well," Hank said, his eyes darting back and forth.

"Hank, I'm not thrilled with our son liking unicrons," Peggy said in a scolding tone. "But you can't just march our son onto the battlefield so you can make him into the son you want."

"I'm not trying to do that," Hank said somewhat defensively. "I just want to toughen him up a little." Peggy still didn't look convinced. Hank Hill put on his salesman's smile, the one that made him employee of the year at Strickland Propane 15 years running. "Imagine our son, senior year. He's the top quarterback at Arlen High School. He's got himself a scholarship, a girlfriend, and popularity. You could be the mother of an NFL player. All because we gave him a little bit of tough love." Peggy looked a little bit intrigued. Hank leaned his head in, eager to close the deal.

"Look, the camp gives us a free trial run for one weekend," Hank Hill said. "If we don't like it or if Bobby can't stand it, we can turn around and head back." Before Peggy could respond, they heard the noise of singing. They followed it to the living room and saw Bobby was singing some girly pop song while wearing a purple bandana.

"Baby, baby, here I am," Bobby sang off-key while playing an air guitar ,"Am I the cutest one of all? Yes I am!"

"Wow," Luanne said with a dreamy tone. "Bobby sounds really great. He should drop out of school and become a pop star." She then walked away. Hank shook his head in disappointment, while Peggy let out an annoyed sigh.

"Welcome to Forrester's Wilderness Camp," a man in a booth said to both Bobby and Hank as the father-son pair walked up ,"where we bring man back to nature." The man had a thick brunette beard and was wearing military camouflage.

"Do we get to make smores here?" Bobby asked happily.

"Smores? Smores?!" The man bellowed, scaring Bobby. "In nature there are no smores! There won't be any smores when the grid goes down. The closest thing to a smore you'll find in these parts will be the honey you win from wrestling a bear."

"See that Bobby," Hank said with some pride. "Hear you'll learn the values of self-reliance, hard work, and living according to nature."

"Your papa's a wise man son," the man in the booth said. Hank and Bobby walked past the man, who watched them walk for a few seconds. As soon as the two were gone, the bearded-man pulled out a box of jelly donuts and began scarfing them down.

"Alright worms," a drill sergeant said. He gestured to a climbing wall that was 15ft high. "Today we're going to climb the wall. Only by climbing this wall can you begin to face nature and all its cruelties." Several people began putting on their harnesses and cables, and started climbing up the wall. Hank began his climb, succeeding with only minor discomfort.

"Mah football practice really paid off," Hank said happily as he got to the top. He took off his harness, eager to shed a few extra pounds of weight. He looked down, only to see Bobby failing to climb over the first set. Hank rolled his eyes in disappointment before sighing and putting on a gentle smile.

"Bobby," Hank said in a reassuring tone. "Don't worry. If you fall, the harness will keep you from hitting the ground."

"Sure dad," Bobby said, grunting and muttering as he struggled to make it to the top.

"Come on boy!" The drill sergeant bellowed. "What are you, a person or a sack of lard! You've got to move! Move!" Bobby slowly began forcing himself up the wall. "I've seen my grandma move quicker than you and she's dead!" Slowly, the blond-haired boy pulled himself higher and higher, his body becoming more and more exhausted.

"See Bobby," Hank said proudly. "You're doing it."

"Ah'm so tired," Bobby drawled.

"Taking a nap won't save you from a bear!" The drill sergeant drawled. "Come on, lard butt!" Bobby's hand just grazed the top.

"Come on Bobby," Hank said walking up to where Bobby was. "You're almost there." Hank reached out to help Bobby, but then he fell.

"Dad, help!" Bobby yelled. Hank ran over and saw that Bobby was dangling upside down, his leg was caught up in the rope. Everyone looked on in horror as Bobby screamed for help.

"Don't worry Bobby," Hank drawled, "I'm coming!" He leaned out, trying to reach the rope. He tried to pull the upside down Bobby toward him.

"Ah I got you son," Hank said reassuringly. One of the camp employees approached to help. But before he could reel Bobby back in, Bobby's weight pulled him away from the top. Hank found himself dangling from the edge of the wall with his feet. Before anyone could help him or he could steady his weight, Hank fell off the top of the wall with a yell.

"Dad!" Bobby yelled.

Hank hit the ground, and everything went black.

Hank felt his eyes open, but all he saw was some white blur. He still felt like he was in a daze.

"Oh good," a female voice said. "You're awake. Are you OK?"

Hank moaned, feeling a massive headache on his head.

"Do you need some more rest?" the voice asked.

"Where...where am I," Hank asked in a woozy tone.

"Hospital," the woman-Hank guessed it was a nurse-said kindly. "I found you unconscious on the ground. You look like you had a really bad fall." Hank's eyes widened in horror.

"Bobby!" Hank yelled, raising his head. He realized a blanket had been placed around his body, yanked it off, and began to clamor out of bed.

"Sir," the nurse said, "you can't move."

"My son," Hank said in a panic, "is he here?"

"The ponies who dropped you off here said they found you on the ground," the nurse said sympathetically. "I didn't see any little colt." Hank paused at the use of the world 'colt' but continued to pull himself out of bed.

"I gotta find 'em," Hank said in a panic.

"Sir, you have a concussion, you need to rest," the nurse said. Hank paid her no heed and rose out of the bed. He suddenly collapsed onto the ground. He tried to rise to his feet, he found he couldn't get up from all fours for more than a few seconds.

"It's mah damn spine acting up again," Hank grunted again as he struggled to rise.

"Let me get you your glasses," the nurse said kindly. He felt the glasses being placed into his hand, but they fell out onto the ground, looking very blurry. He tried to pick them up off of the blue-tile floor, but he suddenly realized he was missing his fingers.

"You must be more out of it then I thought," the nurse said kindly. He felt his glasses being placed on head. With his vision cleared, he found himself face to face with...

Some white pony thing with a pink mane and big eyes.

"There," it said, looking at him with a reassuring smile, "feeling bet-,"

"BWAHH!" Hank yelled, moving backwards toward the bed. "What are you?!"

"I'm a nurse," the pony thing said, as if Hank had said the silliest thing in the world. "I'm also a pony like you."

"WHAT?!" Hank bellowed in fear. Jerking his head to his right, he looked at some full body mirror. As he approached the mirror, he saw...

In the mirror there was some weird horse creature walking on all fours. It had a muzzle, a brown-colored mane, a muzzle, a tan coat, big-brown eyes, horse ears, and glasses. To Hank's growing horror, he realized who was in the mirror. He raised a shaky hand-no hoof-to the reflection.

"Sir," the nurse asked. "Would you like some-"


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