"Honestly," Spinel said as she looked at the small tree house while nodding. "I wasn't expecting a treehouse, don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't a treehouse," Applebloom blushed slightly before making her way up the ramp.
"This is the Cutie Mark Crusaders base of operations, the CMC Clubhouse, it's where we hold our meetings, and it houses in it a lot of Cutie mark finding activities, though fair warning you might end up covered in tree sap during-" Applebloom cut herself off with a cough "Sorry, typical opening speech, kind of a habit at this point." Applebloom shook her head as She headed up the ramp, "Sweetie can show you around the area while me and Scootaloo work out some...crusader stuff," Applebloom made her way to the house with Scootaloo following behind her, Spinel looked down at Sweetie and was unable to tell is she was worried about the task or about being left alone to deal with her, Spinel made her way up the ramp with Sweetie right behind her,
"We don't really have much going on around the tree house, we do have a stump but that's about it," Spinel looked at the baloney area around the house before turning to the door
"Well this is smaller then I expected." Spinel said as she squeezed her way inside the tree house.
"In our defense it really wasn't made with some creature of your proportions in mind." Sweetie Belle replied as she moved past her to get to her other friends.
"I wonder though you seem pretty squashy and stretchy, couldn't you turn into a pony or something?" Scootaloo asked. Spinels response was to glow, the three watched as she shrunk down and, once the glowing was gone, found she was now a Pink Applebloom. "Oh what the!?" Scootaloo fell back, her friends having similar reactions. "I was joking!" Spinel looked at her hooves and tried prancing in place.
"Well I hate this," She decided before shape shifting back into her normal self "I'll just settle for being cramped over not having hands," Spinel looked at the trio and noticed their shocked faces "what?"
"You can just do that?" Applebloom demanded "You just turned into me, not to mention that you turned into light!" Scootaloo looked like she was about to say something before recomposing herself and saying.
"Yeah, that was kind of cool," she said coldly "But not nearly as cool as Rainbow Dashes sonic Rain-boom," Spinel looked over at Scootaloo in silence but before she could say anything Sweetie cut in.
"Why do you always do this?" She asked "no, oh wow you changed the shape of your entire body, no all you have to say is, oh but Rainbow Dash did this," Sweetie rubbed her temple "I don't remember you being this obsessed with Rainbow Dash!"
"I'm not obsessed with Rainbow dash, I just have a great appreciation for how amazing she is and I have just accepted the simple fact that she is the coolest pony in the world,"
"I am not a pony," Spinel said irritably "I have said this in your presence at least twice,"
"This is ponyville, and here we use the term everypony," Scootaloo replied "It's just a figure of speech,"
"Well. Twilight has been pushing that we switch to using everycreature,"
"Well I haven't heard Rainbow Dash-" Scootaloo was cut off when Spinel extended her neck and looked Scootaloo in the eyes.
"Stop talking about Rainbow Dash," She said angrily "I dunno who she is and frankly your constant blathering of how everything I do isn't as good as what she does is starting to tick me off just a little,"
"Alright Sweetie," Applebloom jumped it, sweating a little "Why don't you show Spinel around the room," Applebloom turned to Scootaloo "While I have a quick chat with Scootaloo," Scootaloo scoffed and made her way to their meeting area with Applebloom in tow. "Alright what's up?"
"I dunno what your talking about," Scootaloo replied stubbornly "I'm just being honest,"
"Well your honesty is starting to sound a little berating," Applebloom shot back "Just in case you forgot what I told you this morning before we went to get Spinel, while I don't know the details I do know that she defiantly has some issues to work out and all you seem to be doing is trying to push all her buttons, It's like you want to set her off,"
"Well if she did go off-" Scootaloo muttered something and Applebloom stared at her friend in confusion.
"What?" She asked, Scootaloo gave no reply "Scootaloo I don't know what you think will happen if you push Spinel over the edge, but I can assure you that if you do, you will not enjoy the end results," Scootaloo rolled her eyes before looking over at Sweetie and Spinel, who was banging the gavel on the stand.
"I can see why you enjoy this," Spinel said as she began hitting it faster.
"Alright easy down on it, don't wanna break it," Spinel slowed to a stop before setting it down.
"Alright so what else do you guys do here?"
"Oh well sometimes..." Sweetie was cut off when a little coo-coo clock went off "...oh no I'm late!" Sweetie began rapidly tapping in place "Spinel I'm sorry but my parents are coming over for lunch today!" Sweetie ran towards the door "Sorry!" She called back as she rushed out the door, Spinel stood in silence for a moment.
"So do I leave now?" She asked,
"Oh no, no it's fine," Applebloom said quickly "I'll be right back, I'll ask Granny if she can make us a few snacks and then we can play a few board games," Applebloom ran out of the door, she was almost home when she realized what she had done and slid to an immediate stop. "Did I just leave those two alone!?"
Scootaloo sat in silence as she watched Spinel once again bang the gavel at nothing.
"You know we're not suppose to use that unless there's a meeting going on,"
"Sweetie belle let me use it," Spinel shot back as she kept going. "And Applebloom didn't really seem to care,"
"Look you seem like an okay...gem golem thingy," Scootaloo waved her hoof in a small circle "But I don't really get the hoopla about you?"
"Hoopla?" Spinel asked, no longer banging the gavel.
"I get Applebloom want's to make you feel welcome but past that you don't seem all that...special,"
"Not special?" Spinel shape shifted in Scootaloo "You don't think this is special?" Spinel turned back into herself and stretched one of her arms to say the word ,Cool, and the other to say the word ,Gem, "I'm at the very least unique,"
"eh," Scootaloo said with a shrug "Your OK, but Rainbow Dash is cooler than you in like every way," Spinel frowned at Scootaloo, her eyes gaining an extra pupil as she returned her arms to normal.
"I don't like you," Spinel said irritably "And I don't think I like this Rainbow Dash, mostly due to association I might add," Spinel leaned over and looked at Scootaloo in silence "I don't appreciate you shoving your worship of some random pony onto me,"
"Hey Rainbow Dash is not just some Random pony, she is the-" Scootaloo was interrupted when Spinel increased the size of her hand and picked up Scootaloo.
"Stop Talking about Rainbow Dash," before Scootaloo could say anything Applebloom burst threw the door, she look at the two of them and shook her head.
"Oh dang it,"
She should of shut up
9835003
agreed, if i was Spinel i would have started clamping scootaloo's mouth shut every time started to even mention rainbow dash
I'm appreciating the daily chapters
9835019
I'm having fun with it
9835027
It shows
9835017
I don't blame you
9835027
Good. Its impotent to enjoy your work.
Seeing the time line of the show, Pink Diamond has the problem of making plans that usually come back to bite Steven in the butt a few thousand years later. It is no wonder that anyone changed into Spinel would have similar issues.
👌👌👌👌
9835003
She wants to start a fight or something between Spinel and rainbow so she can prove how much grater than Spinel rainbow is. What she doesn't realize is one of spinel's problems is inferiority do to pink diamond abandoning her because she (in Spinael's eye's at least ) wasn't good enough anymore.
9835027
Aye that's awesome!!
Well, this situation is escalating quickly
I LIKE it
9836707
This sounds exactly like what spinel would be like this seems like it shouldn't really be a hie when the character is basically spinel at this point
So I was wondering when I'd get tired of the grammar mistakes in the story
apparently it's right about here
cool story and a cool idea, needs to be better written.
Unfortunately, I don't do proofreading so the most I'll do is point out some spelling mistakes and the like.
Change Berating to aggravating or annoying, or change "Well your honesty is starting to sound a little berating," to "Well your honesty is starting to sound like berating!" which means that the 'honesty' that scoots is rattling off sounds like she's scolding everyone for not being enough like Rainbowdash.
Change Defiantly to Definitely.
Add comma
Delete comma and the word it's
change comma to exclamation mark
When someone talks, it starts on a new line, unless- The bird get's punched in the face. -it's a disruption or something that happens during the action.
Comma after Scootaloo when Applebloom is talking, delete comma after Edge
Delete comma at end of dialogue, new line.
there are things in just these two that I myself have done wrong or could have done better
I'll do more if it gets that bad.
Alright I think this is as far as I'll go. I mainly started reading this out of curiosity, rather than actually wanting to read the story. All in all this story is not exactly bad, but neither is it really good. I'll leave some opinions behind, if you don't mind.
- The characters seem mostly out of character, as in, their personalities seem to be dialed up to 11. At times it almost feels as if the only knowledge about their characters is garnered from over the top stereotypes used in a lot of fimfics.
- It's pretty hard to pinpoint when this story is taking place, the first real clue being Spike having wings. It's okay to reveal things like that over time, but the biggest issue I have, is once again what this implies for the characters. This is obviously set in the tail end of seasons, with the school of friendship already being a thing, otherwise spike wouldn't have wings. All of the characters have gone through a lot of friendship lessons at this point, which makes them act even more out of character than they'd be during most of the earlier seasons.
- Up to this point(this might change later idk) the fact that Spinel was a human before this is 100%, completely irrelevant. Existential crisis lasted for all but two sentences, and aside from some chatter about working, it's never brought up that he/she was a human. Unless this changes in a major way, this story could've just as well been made with the actual Spinel being transported to Equestria before she was reformed at the end of the movie.
- Spinels fear of being eaten by spike feels like a hamfisted story point to further the plot. Again, dialing down the intensity would've gone a long way in making this a better read.
All in all, the whole story is a bit shaky, and doesn't feel all that thought through. But that doesn't make it bad. It's an interesting premise, and I hope you learned, and are still learning about writing as you continue with the story. Have fun, and don't give up!
10736535
Hudda huh hump hudda
[Translation: it's fanfiction]
9835168
Maybe so. But I'm with spinel on wanting to pound her. She is being very rude.